Bulky & Beauteous

by Mary E Thompson

  “Ooh, what’s that? Hey, you’re cute. Drew, I presume,” Sam said with a grin and her hand extended. God, I envied her ability to strike up a conversation with strangers. Although in her line of work she pretty much had to all the time.

  “Thanks. You’re a feisty one, aren’t you?” Drew volleyed back.

  “Guilty as charged. I keep things interesting around here.”

  “Good to know.” He turned to me and stage-whispered, “Keep me away from that one.”

  “Hey!” Sam yelled. I rolled my eyes at them and laughed. Maybe Drew wasn’t so bad.

  “High school chemistry, huh? So you’re the one to talk to when I need to blow shit up?”

  I snorted. “Yeah, I guess so. Although I’m seriously hoping our relationship doesn’t progress to that level.”

  Drew smiled. “Duly noted.”

  “Where’s Brandi tonight?” Xander asked, not sounding at all disappointed that Drew was there alone.

  “Be nice, man. She’s out with some friends. He doesn’t like my girlfriend,” Drew confessed to me.

  “I sort of gathered that. What’s wrong with her?”

  He snorted. “You don’t beat around the bush do you?”

  “Not if the bush is talking.”

  “Fair enough. Xander thinks she’s a bitch.”

  “Is she?”

  “Uh, probably. Most of the time. We’ve been together a while though and I’m just used to her. The shitty things she says that bug Xander don’t bother me.”

  “Well, I think she’s a snobby, catty, obnoxious bitch,” Mandy said, joining our conversation. “She’s not good enough for you.”

  “Come on, Mandy. She’s not that bad.”

  Mandy’s eyebrows shot into her hairline, and she leveled Drew with a look that dared him to argue more.

  “Okay, maybe she is. I don’t know. I just think she’s the one, you know. We have what you guys have. Hopefully one day you two will be able to get along.”

  “Oh, I’m sure we’ll get along fine if I drop a hundred pounds and start spending all of Xander’s money.”

  Drew pursed his lips together, clearly not thrilled with the conversation. “I’m sorry about that,” Drew said quietly.

  “What happened?” I asked before my brain could process that they were talking about something I had no business knowing about.

  “Brandi called me a fat cow and told Drew she didn’t know why a guy as hot as Xander would ever be involved with someone like me. At my engagement party.”

  “You’re shitting me, right? How did I not hear about this?” I asked, baffled.

  “Do you remember when Xander and I disappeared during the party? Everyone thought we just couldn’t keep our hands off each other and that we were screwing in the bathroom or something?” I nodded. “He was trying to calm me down. I overheard what she said and nearly ripped her fucking head off. Drew headed me off before I could ruin the whole party and Xander dragged me out of there. I’d have much rather been having sex in the bathroom than throwing shit around the room, wishing it was her face.”

  Drew looked sheepish and I felt sorry for him. Of course I also agreed with Mandy. Brandi sounded like a bitch with a capital B.

  “Why do you put up with her?” I asked.

  He shrugged. “Like I said, she doesn’t say stuff like that to me, usually. She was in a shitty mood because she got it in her head I was going to ask her to marry me and was pissed that they were getting married and she didn’t have a ring yet. She lashed out. It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t nice, but she didn’t really mean it.”

  Mandy and I exchanged a look that told me Mandy believed Brandi meant every word. I was fairly certain, even without meeting her, that she did as well. People didn’t say things like that on accident. Brandi sounded like a first class bitch.

  “”Well, she’s not welcome in our home, so tonight we don’t have to worry about her.”

  “Amen to that,” Xander agreed, pulling Mandy into a warm embrace and an even hotter kiss. He dipped her back and she clung to him like he was her lifeline.

  I wanted that.

  To feel that much desire for someone that I didn’t care who was around or what was happening. To feel like I did the other day with Joey.

  But that was lust. Not love like Mandy and Xander shared. Joey was a temporary distraction. And he’d moved on. I would too.

  “On that happy note, I’m going to introduce myself to the rest of your friends. Care to join me so these two can make out and make us all uncomfortable?” Drew stood and offered me his arm. A dishtowel hit him in the back of the head, which he tossed over Mandy and Xander’s heads to hide their prolonged kiss.

  I stood and looped my arm through Drew’s and wondered how in the world this random guy made me feel so comfortable.

  “I hate to sound so bad, but I don’t know anything about you. What do you do?”

  “Ah, well, I work in the exciting field of construction. I’m a mechanical engineer. Xander and I are partners at work, him doing all the fun stuff that brightens up the place and me making it look cool.”

  I laughed at his explanation. He was funny, and sweet. Too bad his girlfriend was so horrible. I could almost see him becoming a part of our group. “You’ve known each other for a while?”

  Drew nodded as we approached Lexi and Mike. “Yep, since college. We went to UB together and were paired as roommates our junior year. I was a huge nerd and always studying and it pissed Xander off when I’d get better grades than him. He worked his ass off to kick mine. Of course he never actually succeeded because I’m smarter than he is, but he tried.”

  “I heard that,” Xander yelled from under the towel.

  “It’s the truth,” Drew said, ignoring Xander. “But I’m pretty boring. Who are these two new people?”

  Lexi beamed at Drew and me, obviously misjudging our linked arms for something more than the casual stance it was. I quickly stepped away from Drew, earning a knowing wink from him.

  “This is Lexi and Mike. They both work at EAAC Pigments. I have a feeling you’ll have more in common with them since you’re engineering types of people. They’re both chemical engineers.”

  “Yep,” Lexi agreed. “Nice to meet you. We’ve heard a lot about you from Mandy and Xander.”

  “Uh oh. That might not be a good thing.”

  Lexi laughed. “Nah, it’s okay. Xander thinks very highly of you.”

  “Well, when he’s not trying to prove he’s smarter than me, I think highly of him as well.”

  Mike wrapped his arm around Lexi’s waist and pulled her against him. The jealousy was palpable, but Drew didn’t even seem to notice. Neither did Lexi. She’d only had eyes for Mike since long before I’d met her, and with his rock weighing down her hand I doubted she was going to start looking for anyone else.

  “Mike and Lexi got engaged last week,” I told Drew, before Mike yanked down his pants and started measuring up.

  “Congratulations. That’s awesome. Don’t tell my girlfriend. I’ll be on the shit list. Again.”

  “Uh oh, what did you do?” Sam asked as she joined us.

  “I haven’t proposed yet,” Drew confessed. “Xander and I have been talking about starting our business for so long that I sort of feel like I need to get that settled before I think about marriage. Brandi doesn’t see it that way. She thinks if we’re married before the business gets going it’ll be better. We’ve been talking about buying a place together though, so I’m hoping that’ll satisfy her until Xander and I can get XD Designs up and running.”

  “She’s a piece of work, isn’t she?” Sam asked bluntly.

  “Yeah, you’d like her. Actually, you two might be too similar. My head might explode if the two of you were together for any extended period of time.”

  Sam laughed and sipped her blue concoction. I’d forgotten about mine, but took a sip. Damn, it was good. Xander knew his shit when it came to making cocktails. I didn’t even taste the liquor in it. Which meant
one of two things - there wasn’t much, or I’d be sleeping on the couch before long.

  I was betting on the couch.

  “Who’s up for the hot tub?” Mandy yelled from the kitchen, throwing her hands in the air. She’d clearly not forgotten about her Frozen Tumbler.

  But she did forget about bathing suits.

  Eleven

  “Mandy!” Xander shouted from behind her, desperately trying to cover her up. Mandy threw off her sweater, revealing a red lacy bra that barely contained her oversized breasts.

  I laughed. What could you do? After sharing an apartment in college, there weren’t many parts of Mandy, Claire, or Sam I hadn’t seen. Mandy in her bra was the least of my concerns, even with a little nipple trying to peek out.

  “Oh, you’re such a prude. We should all go skinny-dipping,” Mandy declared, reaching around her back for the hooks on her bra.

  Xander clasped his hand over hers and led her toward the bedrooms. She whined the whole way, telling him he was being a party pooper and that she wanted to have fun with her best friends.

  “Well, now I know this is the place for me to hang out. Half naked women, engineers, and a teacher who can blow shit up? Not to mention a photographer who can document the whole thing. I think I’ve found paradise,” Drew teased.

  I snorted. He was fun. And I’d been so worried about how to behave around him. “Yes, well, we save the good stuff for our private parties. You’re lucky to be included this time around.”

  “I feel honored,” he joked back.

  “Okay, since my drunk fiancée insists on getting naked, I’m distracting her with presents. How about we start the gift exchange and maybe you can all be spared a naked Mandy for the night? Because honestly, I’d rather keep that to myself,” Xander declared as he came back into the room.

  Mandy was right behind him, smiling like she’d just won the biggest prize of all. She adored him, and she was a lucky woman. But I was definitely with Xander, I didn’t need to see Mandy naked.

  “How are we doing this?” Claire piped up for the first time all night. “It’s a secret Santa thing but we can steal?”

  “Yep,” Sam interjected. The whole thing had been her idea. “Everyone drew a name for the gift exchange, right?” We all nodded. “And no one told anyone else who they got?” Mandy giggled, but the rest of us shook our heads. “Okay, so we’ll put all the presents in a pile. Each gift has someone’s name on it. We’ll hand out the presents and go around the room opening them. When it’s your turn you can either choose to steal someone else’s present, either opened or not, or you can open the one in front of you. When all the presents are opened we’ll get one last chance to steal, but once a present has been passed around three times it stays with whoever has it. Deal?”

  We all nodded again.

  “Who wants to start?”

  “Oooh, I do! Pick me,” Mandy jumped up and down. Thank God she had her shirt back on because all that jostling was sure to free her breasts from that tiny little bra. Judging by the heated look in Xander’s eyes, he was thinking the same thing.

  Sam laughed and said, “Okay, Mandy, sit over there. We’ll hand out the presents.”

  Mandy perched on the edge of the loveseat, and Xander settled next to her. Drew helped Sam and I hand out the gifts to everyone. I’d drawn Charlie for my secret Santa so I was fairly certain I’d done a good job picking something out, but you never knew. I had no idea who picked me.

  When we were all settled with presents in our laps, Mandy dove into hers. She tore through the skiing Santa wrapping paper and tossed it over her head, laughing the entire time. Then her eyebrows knitted together and her head tilted to the side.

  “What is this?” she asked the group.

  Mandy held up a white box with the words ‘Profanity Generator’ on it. I had no idea what it was, but it sounded like something Mandy would love.

  “It’s a book that helps you come up with new swear words. It’s like a little notebook you can flip through to find new ways to say the same old thing. When I saw it, it just reminded me of you,” Aidan explained.

  Mandy bounced on her seat, tearing into the box to get at her new favorite toy. “This is awesome,” she declared as she flipped through the book. “Tit-waffle! Fart-ticket! Crap-eraser! Oh, my God I’m going to have so much fun with this. I have a whole new vocabulary to use now!”

  I snorted. Mandy was promoted to Customer Service Manager about six months ago. She’d worked hard to curb her swearing since she became the boss, but every once in a while she admitted that she slipped up. Thankfully she no longer talked to customers.

  “Who’s next?” Claire asked.

  “Aidan,” Sam said. “Since he was the one who bought for Mandy.”

  All eyes swiveled toward Claire’s husband. Aidan was the quiet one of our group. He and Claire eloped a few months after they started dating. I wasn’t quite sure about him at first, but he adored her from afar for years before she was willing to give him a chance. Once they were together it was like they’d always been together. The two of them were joined at the hip, working together and spending all their time together. It was rare to see one without the other these days.

  Aidan picked up the present on his lap and shook it. Something inside thumped against the box. He flipped it over and carefully peeled the tape from the snowflake paper. Patience was definitely a virtue of his.

  “Just rip it open,” Mike said impatiently.

  Aidan shook his head and winked at Claire, “The best things are worth the wait.”

  Half of us groaned and the other half aww’ed, but Aidan didn’t hurry. When the paper was carefully removed he turned over the plain white box looking for any indication of what was inside. Then he tried to pry the box open. Of course, it was taped shut.

  Drew stood and handed Aidan a pocketknife to cut the last pieces of tape, and we all cheered. Lexi giggled, telling me she was likely the culprit who put Aidan to the test. I loved how we all understood each other’s quirks and used them to our advantage. And to tease.

  With the box open, Aidan’s eyebrows shot into his hair. “What the hell?”

  Claire lifted the metal box and covered her mouth, laughing. Tears streamed down her face as she read, “Emergency underpants. Ready to use in case of emergency. Never get stuck without clean underwear again.”

  We all laughed. Lexi spoke up, “You told us just a few weeks ago about all the emergencies at work lately. How you felt unprepared and I just wanted to help you out. Knowing you always have a clean pair of underwear should make you feel better.”

  Claire snorted and shook with the laughter she was trying to contain. The rest of us didn’t even try to hide it.

  “Gee, thanks, Lex. I have no idea how I survived without these.”

  “Anything to help, Aidan. I’m here for you, buddy,” she teased.

  “Okay, you’re next,” Aidan said ominously, eyeing Lexi. She immediately stopped laughing, which made the rest of us laugh even harder. Lexi’s shoulders dropped and she gently picked up the package resting on her lap.

  “Relax, Lexi, it’s from me,” Charlie said, shaking her head at Aidan.

  Lexi visibly relaxed and started to tear into the silver wrapping paper. We all watched as she unearthed a book, then laughed. “Seriously?” she asked Charlie.

  Charlie shrugged, smiling back at Lexi. “I know how you feel about cooking so I figured I’d help you out a little.”

  Lexi turned the book around so we could all read ‘The Smoke Alarm Is NOT A Timer and other lessons for learning to cook.’ Lexi hated cooking, always had. She was capable but didn’t like it. Thankfully Mike and Lexi combined made enough money that they could afford going out to eat most nights, but both complained regularly about not ever getting a home cooked meal. And about the other not being willing to cook.

  “Did he put you up to this?” Lexi asked, tossing an accusing look between Charlie and Mike.

  Mike held up his hands and shook his head. �
�Uh, uh, don’t put this on me!”

  Charlie laughed, her light tinkling laugh filling the air. “Mike didn’t tell me to get it. I saw it and couldn’t resist. I figured it could be something for both of you, maybe.”

  “Oh, no,” Mike argued instantly. “I’m not going to start cooking. We’ll just have to impose on our friends who love to cook when we’re dying for something home cooked. That, or just suck it up.”

  Drew leaned over to me. “They don’t cook?”

  I shook my head. “They both hate it. Their houses are full of stuff that doesn’t need to be prepared at all. They have freezers full of frozen meals and sandwich stuff, but they don’t cook. It’s a shame too because they both have awesome kitchens.”

  “Well, I guess we know what they won’t be registering for,” he quipped, making me laugh.

  “Yep.”

  Charlie was next. I got nervous watching her open the gift I’d selected for her. It might have been pushing the limit a bit, but I thought it was cute and funny. I only hoped she felt the same way.

  “Hey Mike, you might want to steal this. You’ll have Lexi in the kitchen all the time if she’s wearing one of these,” Charlie teased as she pulled out the lacy apron with the svelte bikini clad figure printed on it. “I might need to get a second one to cover the other side of me.”

  Xander whistled and Mike hooted when Charlie stood up and pulled the apron over her head. The figure on the apron danced with Charlie’s movements, her hips swinging along. I sipped my drink, feeling the happy slightly drunk feeling start to flow through me. I was surrounded by great people and having fun. It was truly a perfect night.

  “Who’s this from?” Charlie asked.

  I raised my hand. “That would be me. You said you needed a new apron. I doubt you’ll actually cook in it, but it was too funny to pass up.”

  “Oh, I’m going to cook in it. Not only the apron because I think that would violate health codes, but I’m definitely using this. It’s like the woman who’s trying to get out, the sexy baker.”