Savor

by Lexi Buchanan

  As my steps falter and my body forces me to slow, I finally come to a stop because I’ve no strength left. I hear Ryder panting with exertion behind me. I can’t look at him so I keep my back to him.

  “Please come back and let me explain,” he begs.

  I chance a look behind me, and realize he looks just as upset as I am. Why though? I mean how can he be upset when I’m the one he was deceiving?

  “Dahlia, please talk to me, or,” he yanks at his hair in frustration, “just listen. I know I should have told you. I planned on doing that tonight after dinner, but my mom has screwed those plans up.”

  “You were going to take me to dinner and then admit to me that you’re married to another woman? How exactly did you expect me to react to that?”

  I have all these questions, but right now, while I’m trying to take in the fact that he’s married, I can’t quite get there with my anger. I know it’s there, hovering in the background, but I feel shattered. Is there something wrong with me?

  “Look, no one more than me, realizes how screwed up that idea was. I was just being selfish.” His jaw is as tight as his lips and the tick is even more pronounced. It’s clear that he’s angry but I’m not sure if it’s at me, his mom or his . . . his wife. “I wanted to take you to dinner, and show you how you should be treated, and as crazy as it sounds, I was planning on telling you about my past . . . Fuck, Dahlia.”

  He circles around me so he’s no longer talking to my back.

  My temper finally appears as Ryder starts pacing back and forth in front of me.

  I step in front of him, stopping him in his tracks. His eyes widen in surprise as I thump him in the chest with my finger—hard. “Don’t you dare get pissed with me! Correct me if I’m wrong, but did you or did you not, forget to mention to me about your marital status? Because I have a good memory and I’m sure I would have remembered something that impacts our growing relationship.”

  His shoulders slump in surrender as he lifts his hand to me, his fingers hover near my cheek before he lets it drop. I feel a loss of that connection and it brings fresh tears to my eyes.

  “I’m sorry. You’re right, I shouldn’t be angry, at least not at you.” He glances away before meeting my teary eyes again. “You’ve no idea how much you mean to me, Dahlia. It’s killing me inside knowing you’re so upset, and that you won’t let me comfort you because I’m the one who caused this. Please come back with me. I’ll get rid of my mom so I can explain everything. I may be married, but it’s not what you’re imagining. In fact, it’s probably nothing like you’ve heard before. But before you judge me, at least listen to what I have to say.”

  I shake my head in fear. I don’t want to hear what he has to say. What if there’s a reason why he’s still married and not living with her? What if his reasoning makes me feel sorry for him?

  I always considered myself a strong person, especially with all the crap I’ve had to deal with over the years, but with the bombshell that his mom dropped on me, I feel as weak as a kitten. Despite the questions welling up inside me, I know now isn’t the time to ask them. I need to be away from him so I can think, and get myself together before I react to the want I feel coming from Ryder.

  “I’ll listen,” his eyes flare with hope, “but not now. I’ll walk to Mia’s house.” His eyes lose the light that briefly appeared. “I’m sorry, Ryder. But I need to think because no matter what, I can’t be the other woman. I spent the first part of my life with my mother as that, and I’ve no intention of following in her footsteps.”

  “I hear you.”

  He looks so sad as he steps into my space and cups my face in the palms of his hands. Despite the emotions warring inside me, I lean into his touch.

  “Please remember that my feelings for you are real. What I feel for you, I’ve never felt before, and yeah, it scares the crap out of me. My life is a mess, but I want you in it. You brighten my days and give me a reason to get out of bed every morning. Please remember that.”

  He leans forward and gently kisses my forehead before stepping back and releasing me. I glance up and see the tears swimming in his eyes.

  I want to throw myself into his arms and beg him to tell me it’s all a dream, but I do nothing other than stand and watch him walk back toward Kix, and his mom waiting for him on the front steps.

  He looks dejected, with the slump of his shoulders and the drag of his feet. My heart cries out for him. I can’t comfort him—I can’t let him be the one to comfort me. Not yet—maybe not ever.

  Unable to watch him a moment longer, I turn and make my way to Mia’s house. She’s my closest friend and happens to live the closest to Kix.

  Chapter Two

  Ryder

  Walking toward where my mom is waiting, I fight the urge to turn around and go back the way I came. Every part of me is screaming to turn around and grab Dahlia. I should beg her to stay and not run away from me. I heard her loud and clear about the other woman part. The truth is the other woman is what she would be, no matter how it’s sugar coated, and there is nothing I can do about it. The name would have hung over her head, but in truth, she is the only woman in my heart.

  I take another step toward my mom, but before I can face the questions shining in her eyes, I glance back toward the road where Dahlia has disappeared. My heart sinks when it hits me, again, just how screwed up my life is. It’s about time I grab hold of the life I want instead of the life I’ve doomed myself to have. I just wish I knew how the hell to start going about it without the backlash, which is bound to follow, from Brittany’s family.

  With my hands on my hips, I stand in front of my mom, trying to hold my tongue. It isn’t her fault that she reacted the way she did. If I’d known she was going to show up today I could have at least asked her to keep quiet about Brittany. But I hadn’t and now the woman I care about is upset and I’m not even sure if she’ll be back later.

  She has to be back, I reassure myself. All of her belongings are in the spare room in my apartment. The joy I felt at having Dahlia living with me has now evaporated into thin air. My only hope is she’ll have calmed down later so I can explain, and if I have to beg her to stay, then I will. Hell, I wouldn’t even be above tying her down to make her stay.

  I love my family, but sometimes I really wish they’d think first before speaking.

  Finally, meeting my mom’s gaze, I see the worried look in her eyes. Sighing, I offer her my hand and help her up from the step. “C’mon. It’s pointless us sitting around outside.” I usher her through the front door of Kix, when she turns and stops me with a hand on my arm.

  “You really like the girl who left, don’t you?” She frowns.

  I think about lying, but I don’t think it would hold much ground considering she witnessed both our reactions to her words. “Yeah, I do.” I run my hand down my face in exhaustion and hold her gaze. “I more than like her, Mom. She’s the only woman to ever get under my skin.”

  “I’m guessing, by her reaction, she had no idea about Brittany?”

  My heart always drops when I hear her name. We don’t have a marriage other than in name only, and that’s all it’s ever been. I want what the whole institution of marriage entails, and I want it all with Dahlia. I’m a sorry ass.

  “I didn’t tell her because I figured she wouldn’t want to know me. She’s not had an easy life and I want to be there for her. Our first date was supposed to be tonight. I can’t see that happening now. I’d planned on telling her everything after we’d eaten.”

  Unable to hold her gaze anymore when all I see is sadness and sympathy, I pull out a chair and wait for her to slide into it.

  “Do you want a coffee or anything?” I offer.

  “No, son. Come and talk to me, but first let me apologize for what I said out there . . . I was caught off guard and didn’t think. I’m really sorry. Once your girl has calmed down, you need to go and talk to her and tell her that you don’t have a marriage. If she knows everything, then she might forgi
ve you and stay. I don’t condone adultery, but I’m not sure adultery applies with you. I need to think before I speak sometimes.”

  I drop into my seat in shock. My mom knows everything about my past, and for years, when she’s caught my eye wandering, she’s always had a lot to say about staying true to Brittany. So yeah, hearing those words leave her mouth has surprised the hell out of me.

  “Ryder, stop looking at me like that.” She shakes her head and gives me the same look she would give me as a kid when I was being stubborn. “I know I haven’t always had such an open mind. The fact is, now time is getting on and there’s still no sign of Brittany improving any; I don’t like you being alone. You need a good woman to come home to at night. You’re lonely.”

  “Crap.” I tip my head back and stare at the ceiling, hoping for some wisdom or direction because I’ve never felt so lost before. I’ve known drowning . . . I definitely know that feeling because of everything I’ve been through, but I always had some idea of where the shore was. Watching Dahlia walk away from me, I felt lost, not only pulled under but pulled away from that shore. I had no idea if I would ever find my feet again. I take in a deep breath; my next words aren’t going to go down well, despite the reassuring words my mom just gave me. She may have given me the go ahead for a relationship, more or less, but she won’t be happy with what I have to say.

  Inhaling again, I count to five before exhaling. “I need to initiate a . . . divorce.”

  “What? I mean . . . what?”

  “Mom, it’s been six years.” I lean forward and rest my elbows on the table with my head buried in my hands. “I want my life back. It’s not as though I’d be abandoning her. I mean, I only visit her on her birthday, and that isn’t by choice. I just can’t do this anymore. I’m so fuckin’ tired.”

  “You don’t have to be divorced to be in a relationship with another woman. You’re separated.”

  “Dahlia’s mom was the other woman in a relationship. No matter how you phrase it, Dahlia would still be the other woman if she’s with me.”

  “Divorce isn’t right.” She sniffs.

  Oh God. Please don’t start crying.

  “Perhaps if you get on the good side of Brittany’s family for a change, you could, maybe, take over her care, and then you’d be spending a lot more time with her.” She dabs at her tears.

  “Mom, she’s better off with her family, where she’s loved. There isn’t any way I’d want to make a go of it with her. I was prepared to try back then before . . . before I knew the truth and believed her lies. But my eyes are wide open now. Plus, I don’t love her and I never have.”

  “But you’re in love with Dahlia?”

  I pause and tug the short strands of my hair.

  “Yeah, I am.” I don’t even have to think about that answer.

  “What a mess.” She shakes her head. “I’m going to go and talk to your father and see if there’s something we can do to help. But please don’t do anything rash.”

  I drop my head to the table, and hear my mom move around to my side before I feel her rubbing my back. “I’m sorry, Ryder. If I hadn’t opened my mouth, Dahlia would still be here and more open to hearing you out. I’m so mixed up about what you should do. You’re my son and it hurts seeing you like this. And because of that, I think you should try and talk to your girl. Make her listen to you.” She kisses the back of my head. “I love you, son.”

  I don’t look up but I hear her footsteps as she walks through the bar. The creak and then slam of the door closing behind her alerts me to the fact that I’m alone and the tears begin to sting my eyes. I swipe at them as they turn to anger.

  Shooting to my feet, I up end the table and chair. With my fists clenching at my sides, I try to control the anger coursing through my blood at the hopeless situation I’m in. Roaring in anger, I pick one of the chairs up and throw it across the room. The one beside me gets kicked toward the bar. My breath sticks in my throat and I have a hard time drawing in another as my throat tightens with my anger. I feel as though I’m finally losing control of everything around me.

  Bending to grab another chair, I notice someone has slipped into the bar to witness my melt down. Glancing up, I meet the worried frown on Liam’s face.

  “Is it safe to step further into the bar you’re trying to destroy?”

  “Fuck!”

  I drop my ass to the floor and turn my head to look at him. “Is she at your place?”

  Liam sighs and joins me on the floor. “She is. Mia caught the gist of what happened, or rather what Dahlia discovered. She was worried, so Mia kicked me out to come over and check on you.”

  “Mia was worried?”

  “Yes, Mia’s worried. I was referring to Dahlia, though.”

  I raise a brow in surprise. “She was really angry with me when my mom blurted it out.”

  “I know.” He glances at me. “If you need to talk, I’m here.”

  “Thanks, Liam. I’m good.” Glancing at the mess I’ve created, I start to laugh. “I am now, at any rate.” Standing and dusting myself off, I ask, “Will you tell Dahlia that I need to explain everything to her? I don’t want her staying away because of what my mom told her.”

  “Is it true?” Liam asks, as he glances toward the door—probably looking for an escape. If I were him, I’d rather be someplace else as well. “Yeah, it’s true.”

  “Shit. You hid that well.”

  “I was married six years ago. We’ve been separated for just as long, and that’s all I’m saying for now. I need to explain to Dahlia before anyone else.”

  “I hear you, but if Reece finds out before you’ve spoken to her, he’s going to be pissed.”

  I’d expect nothing less from Reece. He has every right to be pissed when it involves his sister.

  “I’m going to head back to the house.” Liam looks me over and nods his head, as if he has decided something. He turns and heads toward the door. “I’ll give Dahlia your message.”

  “Thanks.”

  Dahlia

  Why did my day have to go to hell? Before Ryder’s mom burst my bubble, I’d been really excited to finally have my relationship with Ryder moving forward. I’d even been waxed—everywhere—which had hurt like a bitch, and for what?

  I just don’t get why he hasn’t said anything before about having a . . . wife. It’s as though I’ve been stabbed in the heart with a sharp object when I think of the word . . . the person. Someone out there is his wife. He’s lived here for over twelve months now, and there has never been any female visitors, which confuses the hell out of me. If they’re separated then surely it isn’t such a big deal, so why has it been made into one?

  Mia has been wonderful by letting me hole up here. I needed to feel grounded . . . needed to be capable of talking to Ryder without my emotions getting the better of me, like they did out front of Kix.

  I’m not embarrassed about what happened. I reacted and he’d seen it but it was understandable, because finding out he’s married really hurt. My feelings for him go a lot deeper than simple friendship, and I thought he felt the same about me—how wrong can I be?

  Although we’ve known each other for most of the year he’s lived in town, we’ve grown close over the past week while I’ve been living above Kix with him. I have my own room, but we’ve eaten breakfast and dinner together nearly every day. We’ve talked about everything under the sun and although he’s always hinted about there being something in his past, he’s not once brought it up. He’s had plenty of opportunity, especially after I’ve told him all about mine and the way my father treated me. I feel betrayed, as though he’s led me on just to get into my panties, which I was planning to let him into after dinner tonight. That is so not going to be happening now.

  Be honest—you know he isn’t like that.

  Swiping at a stray tear, I turn away from the kitchen as Liam walks through the door and wraps his arms around his pregnant wife. Mia is gorgeous, and pregnant, she is glowing. The love that she has fo
r her husband, radiates across her face and it hurts to watch them. I’m sure if I wasn’t sitting in viewing distance, they’d be naked and doing more than cooking in the kitchen.

  I’m not even sure why I came here. I could have just as easily called Reece to come and get me. But Reece wasn’t really an option. He’d have taken one look at me and gone after Ryder. No doubt, he would have gotten himself in trouble for starting something.

  “God! What a mess.” I sigh.

  “Hey. It’s a mess right now, but all you have to do is go and talk to him.”

  I turn and face Liam, my eyes full of questions.

  “If it’s any consolation, he looks just as bad as you do.” He winces. “I caught him throwing chairs around the bar.” Liam glances at Mia, who offers him a small smile. “He may be married, but it looks to me like he’s separated and has been for a while. Just pull yourself together and then go talk to him. He wants to tell you, and I think you need to listen.”

  Does he know?

  Liam shakes his head as if he’s reading my mind. “Don’t look at me like that. I have no idea what’s going on with him. But the only way you’re going to find out—”

  “Is by asking him,” I finish for Liam.

  He nods.

  My heart aches for Ryder. It shouldn’t, but I’m not the kind of person who turns their feelings on and off like a faucet.

  “Apart from throwing chairs around, is he okay?”

  “Yeah, he’s okay. Upset, but desperate to explain everything to you.”

  “Okay.” I nod, but I’m not sure what I’m agreeing to.

  Standing, I grab my purse from the floor and glance between Liam and Mia, their arms linked as Mia snuggles deeper into Liam’s embrace. They make such a cute couple.

  “I’m going to go for a walk. I need to clear my head before I go back and talk to Ryder.”

  I also need to consider whether or not I need to find alternative accommodations. I always have my father’s tumbling down house, but then he’s not really my father. Even if he were my father, I’d prefer to sleep on the streets than under that roof. The drunken bastard can rot in his own dilapidated house if he ever shows up again.