Annabel vs the Internet

by Annabel Port

  She tells me to take a seat and I hear her call up.

  What should happen now is that she calls me back over and tells me that no such meeting is scheduled and after me attempting some other equally pathetic ways to get in, I leave.

  This doesn’t happen. She doesn’t say anything to me. And after a short time, a man is walking towards me and saying, “Annabel, hi!” and shaking my hand.

  It is the chief financial officer. This is very unexpected but it’s my big chance and I might not have long, so I get straight to the point and say, “Hello, I’ve got some bad news, I’m afraid: I’ve come to take over your job.”

  He does a nervous, uncomfortable laugh and replies, “Right, where do you want to start?”

  I’m quite confused by this reaction but say, “Well, why don’t you show me your office so I can get started?”

  “Okay,” he agrees and leads me through a door and then down a long corridor. “It’s like a maze in here,” he says.

  It’s not. It’s just a long, L-shaped corridor, but I go, “Isn’t it?”

  We then go through an open-plan office into his own private office.

  I cannot quite believe this is happening. Why is the chief financial officer of Saatchi & Saatchi, a global advertising company, taking me, a complete stranger who has just declared an interest in taking over his job, into his office?

  He closes the door and tells me to take a seat.

  “Shall I sit behind your desk, so I can get used to it?” I ask.

  “Okay,” he says. Then adds, “Actually you’d better not as you’ll see things you’re not supposed to.”

  We sit down at a round table in his room. He seems a little bit flustered.

  “Okay, sorry, I did have this in the diary but I’ve not had a chance to prepare.”

  This is even more confusing. Who has an overthrow in their diary?

  “You had this in the diary?” I ask.

  “Yes, GEP,” he says. “You are from GEP?”

  “No. I’m just here to take over.”

  He is very confused. And maybe slightly scared. “Sorry, who are you?” he asks.

  “I’m an overthrower,” I tell him proudly.

  It transpires I’ve turned up at the exact time that he was due to have a meeting with someone. But, amazingly, he doesn’t demand that I leave immediately. He’s probably still in shock from having the world’s weirdest meeting.

  And I’m not giving up. I ask about his staff. “Will I get on well with them?”

  He doesn’t seem that keen on answering my question so I ask, “Do you not want me to take over your job?”

  He tells me that his family like him earning money. I want to suggest he send his kids up chimneys, but it’s a credit to me that I don’t. Instead I generously tell him that he can work under me for the same wages. I don’t know if this is possible, but I want to get him on side.

  He says it’s not really his decision. He’s still not told me to leave. This is the politest man ever. He’s so nice that I eventually I say, “Shall I go now?”

  He is a little busy, as it turns out. And he’s so nice that he really apologises to me and even suggests another company for me to try and take over. I hope none of this stemmed from fear.

  But I do feel that for a short while this afternoon, I managed to overthrow the financial department of a global company. If you really, really stretch the definition of “overthrow”.

  30

  The Challenge:

  To create a rival to the Tour de France

  The Tour de France is by far the most famous cycling race, in that I can’t even name another one. They’ve got the whole fast-cycling thing pretty sewn up. But there’s no reason why I can’t create another kind of race that is as good. Or better. I look to see how the Tour de France started so I can steal ideas for starting my own.

  It is not at all what I expected. It started solely as a way of trying to increase sales of a French sporting magazine. It was 1903, sales were bad, and their rival was way ahead. So they had a meeting to discuss what to do and at the very last moment the most junior member of staff suggested a bike race across France. The editor welcomed any increase in the popularity of cycling as he also owned a velodrome, and so the Tour de France was born.

  It’s now obvious what I’ve got to do. Find a struggling magazine, invent a race that somehow benefits them, and then I’ve got a big hit on my hands.

  I get to work finding the right magazine, thinking it shouldn’t be too hard as aren’t all magazines struggling? I look down a long list and one catches my eye. It’s called Canal Boat. An idea is starting to form.

  Their monthly circulation figures are 9,995, which I’d classify as struggling. No offence, Canal Boat.

  Better still, it has a rival, Waterways World magazine, which sells a slightly more impressive 11,559 a month. Making it Britain’s best-selling canal magazine. But not for long. Not after Canal Boat magazine become the official sponsors of my race and get all the exclusive insider news and interviews. Sales will go through the roof. As long as it is a really low roof, like they had in medieval times.

  I’ve just got to invent the race now. The obvious route would be along the canal network of the UK. I don’t waste any time thinking of a non-obvious one. This is perfect, as it has the benefit of going all over the UK, so no one feels left out.

  I draw the line at racing in canal boats, though. They are far too slow and I’m pretty sure there’d not be enough room for all the thousands of competitors to overtake.

  There are loads of other, way better water vehicles. Like the banana boat, rubber ring, punt, jet ski, gondola and dinghy. Each stage could use a different one, which immediately improves upon the Tour de France, with it’s boring bikes-only rule.

  I’m really warming to the idea now, and also decide to add in obstacles to make it more thrilling. There could be an up-ended shopping trolley, hypodermic needles and a dead body. Probably a fake one that looks like Dirty Den, rather than a real one.

  The great thing is that the UK was the first country to have a nationwide canal network, so it’s really celebrating that. And there’s also scope to do sections of the race abroad like the Tour de France does. My race could go to Venice and Panama.

  I just need to call Canal Boat magazine to get confirmation they’re interested. Obviously, they will be. I’m very excited. I feel a lot like that person who rang up a shampoo company and said he could double their profits with just three words: “rinse then repeat”. I’m not 100% sure this is true, but anyway, I’m excited.

  I quickly check how much the sales of the 1900s French sporting magazine went up after the Tour de France. It was 160%. I’m verging on giddy as I dial the number. It connects, it rings and then just keeps on ringing. I keep trying. Nothing. I’m starting to understand why Canal Boat is not the ­number-one canal magazine.

  I’ve got no choice. I don’t like doing it but I’ve got to go to their big rival. The number-one canal magazine, Waterways World. They might be doing pretty well in the canal publication world but there’s always room for improvement. I call them up and get put straight through to the editor. This is why they are number one.

  “Hello,” I say. “I know how I can increase your profits by 160%.”

  He laughs and says he admires my optimism. Then concedes, “Okay, I’m interested. How?”

  I tell him. I give him a brief history of how the Tour de France increased sales of a French sporting magazine by 160% and how I plan to set up my own version of the race along canals to do the same for his magazine. But instead of bikes, it’d be with vehicles like the banana boat, rubber ring, punt, jet ski, gondola, dingy, lilo and bits of floating wood like you get after a shipwreck.

  When I’ve finished, he responds with, “Well, that was an excellent pitch.”

  I know from watching The Apprentice that it’s not easy to do a pitch, so I’m very happy.

  He asks what organisation I’m from. I tell him I’m doing it inde
pendently. To his credit, he doesn’t immediately put the phone down. Instead he asks about my involvement in the waterways world.

  “I went on a canal boat last Thursday evening,” I tell him. Which I really did. That was a stroke of luck. I sound very experienced now.

  I do worry it’s all sounding a little bit weird, so I distract him by saying that I really want him to beat Canal Boat and Towpath Tales magazines by one hundred times. And don’t mention that I’d spent all afternoon trying to get hold of Canal Boat magazine first.

  He asks what happens now. I say, “Well I’m going to be meeting with the Minister for Culture and Sport.” This is not strictly a lie as I do plan to meet with them.

  I think he might be a bit impressed by this. I’ve won him back and he’s now saying it fits in well with the Canal Trust as they’re hoping to attract more young people to the waterways.

  I think there already are a lot of young people on the waterways. They’re mainly taking drugs, but they are still young. I don’t mention this though.

  As he’s now asking how old I am. I tell him thirty-nine. It’s a bit embarrassing. I think maybe he thought I was a lot younger. But he’s polite and says, “Oh right, yes, well, do email me.”

  I do, and then make preparations for my meeting with the Minister for Culture and Sport. By looking up their name. It’s Sajid Javid, who is fairly new in the job. This is perfect as he might not know all the ropes yet and think it’s perfectly normal to speak to me. I also remember that he recently went with George Osborne to Pinewood Studios to visit the Star Wars set and he said, “The force is clearly strong here.” So I know he loves a little joke. This gives me an idea to make him warm to me. I’ll litter our conversation with puns.

  I spend some time preparing these and then call up the Department for Culture and Sport and ask to speak to Sajid Javid. The receptionist asks what it’s regarding.

  “The rival to the Tour de France,” I tell her.

  “And have you previously been in contact?”

  “Oh yes,” I lie.

  She puts me through and there’s a man’s voice on the line.

  “Hello, Sajid?” I say.

  “No, it’s his office,” the man’s voice replies.

  This is not ideal but at least I’m speaking to someone. I explain to him all about my rival to the Tour de France. He’s very serious and grown-up sounding, but I tell him about the pedalos, lilos and gondolas with confidence.

  As I’m finishing, I’m thinking, maybe to seal the deal I can throw in some of the puns I came up with. Maybe it’s not just Sajid, maybe the whole office loves a little joke. I end my pitch with, “So waterway to celebrate the UK canal network.”

  He ignores this masterful use of language and asks, “Well, what do you want from us?”

  It is an excellent question and not one that I’d considered. Why am I ringing the Department for Culture and Sport?

  “Erm, your authorisation,” I say.

  He says briskly, “What do you mean?”

  “Well . . .” I falter a bit here while my brain scrambles to find an answer to this question. Then I blurt out, “It’s going to be massive, like the Olympics, so obviously we need your support.”

  He tells me to email and when telling me the email address he spells out the word “office”. He thinks I’m the kind of person that can’t spell the word “office”.

  I won’t be deterred though. I email explaining it all again, including Waterways World and the banana boats, etc. Then as I’m really hoping Sajid will see this email, now is my big chance to use all my puns. I continue with:

  Ours was the first country to have a nationwide canal network. “Waterway” to celebrate this. This new race will be a great way “towpath” the time. Don’t put a “lock” on this idea. The future is looking “Rosie, Jim”.

  If only his name was Jim. That last one would’ve worked a lot better. I think it says a lot about me that I used it anyway. Sadly I wasn’t able to use the pun I’d created for if he was waffling on a bit on the phone, which was, “Sorry, can I just ‘barge’ in here and interrupt you?”

  Now, somewhat surprisingly, I don’t hear back immediately or even that day or ever, actually. Maybe they laughed so much at the puns that they forgot to reply. So I’ve left it all in the safe hands of Waterways World, while I work on picking up some speed on a lilo.

  31

  The Challenge:

  To become a self-help guru

  I am very keen on becoming a self-help guru, from the moment I find out it’s a $10 billion industry. An industry where one of the most popular books is about how if you think about something hard enough it will come to you. This book, The Secret, has sold 19 million copies and made $300 million. Not such a secret any more, really. A secret that 19 million know. But it’s no wonder that others have tried to cash in on this industry.

  One that catches my eye is by Larry Winget and called Shut Up, Stop Whining and Get a Life: A Kick-Butt Approach To A Better Life. That’s his most successful one. There are several follow-ups. How he had the material to fill one book is a mystery, but sequels include: Your Kids Are Your Own Fault, You’re Broke Because You Want To Be, Grow A Pair, It’s Called Work For A Reason and No Time for Tact. I’m a little bit ­worried that this man is actually just rude.

  I also really like a book by Hiroyuki Nishigaki called How to Good-Bye Depression. Not “how to say goodbye”, but “how to good-bye depression”. Like good-bye is a verb.

  You’re probably now thinking, Stop going on about grammar, tell us how to goodbye depression, how does the book say to do it?

  The answer is, constrict the anus 100 consecutive times a day and dent the navel 100 times a day. I try it. I manage eight anus constrictions before I start feeling a bit disturbed and no navel dents as I don’t understand how to dent my navel. I do feel slightly happier afterwards. But only because it’s over and I’ve promised myself I’ll never knowingly constrict my anus again.

  All this is giving me a lot of ideas though. Three, in fact. Which is probably two more than any other self-help book by the sounds of things, so I’m pleased with my progress and already mentally spending my $300 million.

  Firstly, I was thinking about what I want to learn from a self-help book. And I realise that what I want is to get all my desires with minimal effort. Preferably no effort at all.

  And it comes to me. What I want is to improve my life while I’m asleep. And I know how. This is the first excerpt from my book:

  Most of us just fall asleep in any old position without thinking of the consequences. About how it will affect our waking lives. Imagine a bit of paper screwed up in a ball overnight. Then it being unscrewed in the morning. It’s going to be really creased, isn’t it? All the pristine bits of paper will be staring at its creases and judging it. This will affect its self-esteem and then how it does its job, interacts with friends and behaves with its love partner. Think of yourself as that bit of paper when you lie in bed at night and don’t curl up in a ball. Stretch out as far as you can all night. Do this and I guarantee the next day you will be more successful in everything you do. This is because science dictates that if your blood can flow through your body all night without any restriction (i.e., a bent limb) your brain power will be increased by 10% and other things like energy, dedication and likeability are increased by 15%.

  I think you’ll agree it’s got everything. Made-up science, the promise of becoming a better person. Everything.

  I move on to the second part now. The reason why things like The Secret are so popular is because we love the idea that you just ask for something and you get it. The second part is heavily based on this.

  Here it is:

  If you really want something, don’t worry about working hard to achieve it. Why waste your time? Think about what you want. For example, I want to win the lottery, or I want a perfect boyfriend or I want straighter legs. Then all you have to do is shout it out as loud as you can in front of as many people as pos
sible, e.g., a packed train carriage or a full cinema. It’s important that as many people as possible hear it, as science dictates that if your desires are registered in multiple brains, the electrical activity creates the energy that allows your desires to be fulfilled.

  I just need to write the third part now, which will be inspirational quotes that I live by. These are:

  1. That lyric from “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” about some guy hiding a girl away from the world but she wants to be the one to walk in the sun.

  2. Keep on keeping on.

  3. It is what it is.

  I feel I’ve got myself a very promising self-help book so far.

  The one thing I feel I’m missing, though, is a big celebrity supporter, and I know exactly who I want. Noel Edmonds. When he returned to television, after a long break, with Deal or No Deal, he attributed it to “Cosmic Ordering”. The idea that you ask the cosmos for something and then get it. So, rather than world peace or the eradication of all diseases, he got himself a teatime game show. No judgement, Noel.

  I’m sure nobody would know about the Cosmic Ordering Service if not for him. He’d be perfect. I find out the email address of his manager and send this:

  Dear John,

  I am an exciting new self-help guru, and my book Make All Your Dreams Come True with Zero Effort Apart from Buying and Then Reading This Book but It’s an Easy Read So Don’t Worry is about to be published.

  I know Noel has been supportive of the Cosmic Ordering Service as he asked the Cosmos for a nice house and teatime quiz show and got both. So I wondered if he’d like to read my book and see if any more of his dreams come true. Maybe he wants another TV show, as to be honest I used to be mad on Deal or No Deal but on the rare occasions I turn it on now he’s wearing a lady’s bonnet or something to liven it up, and that does worry me.

  I’ve been a big fan of Noel going back to the Swap Shop days so it would be a real honour to have him read my book and an even bigger honour if he gave it the thumbs up.