Annabel vs the Internet

by Annabel Port

  “Will it go in the magazine, then?” I ask. He says he can’t promise.

  I send him this:

  Dear Mark,

  Lovely to meet you before. I’m back in the office now, so thought I’d put in writing our remarkable discovery, which would be great to feature in your Biologist magazine.

  So here at the RSRS, we realised that regarding the phenomenon of caterpillars turning into butterflies, it’s actually more believable that somebody made it up than that it actually happens. Let’s face it, no other creature does it and it does it hidden from view, like Houdini escaping from padlocked chains when he has actually got the key Sellotaped to the sole of his foot or something. It’s not science, it’s science fiction. And it’s kind of embarrassing that we’ve believed it for so long. We look like jerks.

  But at the Society of Biology you can escape this embarrassment. Please do publish our findings.

  Let me know today what your plans are as I’ve got the New Scientist on my back, but I like you more.

  Many thanks and all best wishes,

  Annabel

  I hear back quickly.

  Dear Annabel

  Many thanks for your email.

  We’ve hugely enjoyed your early/late April Fool’s joke in the office today. Please feel free to accept the New Scientist offer.

  Best wishes

  Mark

  I’m a bit confused as it’s October and I don’t think early or late April Fools are a thing. If you do it outside of 1 April, surely it’s just a joke. And I wasn’t joking. But the good news is, someone at the Society of Biology clearly listens to the radio show. So maybe other great scientific minds are listening too. I can leave all this in their safe, know-it-all hands.

  The End (or why I stopped

  doing all of this)

  This feels like a good place to end. A place where someone has finally exposed me as a radio presenter wasting everyone’s time. I suspect it says a lot about our listening figures that it took so long for this to happen. And these are just thirty-two challenges out of around one hundred and eighty that I did. One hundred and eighty over five years. Did I not mention before that I did this for five years?

  Now you think I’m insane and Geoff is a sadist. What kept me going though, was the loveliness of others. In my life before these challenges, I’d thought about 15% of people were lovely. I now think it’s around 95%. They are far more accepting, tolerant, patient and kind than I ever would’ve imagined. Or perhaps it’s just a politeness that stems from fear: “Yes, I will massage your back in the street but only because, even though you look normal, this is not a normal thing to ask, so I am terrified of you.” Maybe that’s it. Actually, I’m pretty sure that is it.

  Geoff once said to me while setting a challenge, “Things will start going wrong for us at some point. My long-term plan is to become destitute. I see myself as very much going down the tramp route. But I feel somewhat responsible for you. I feel a bit like how Frankenstein must’ve felt about his monster.”

  I suppose there is something a bit monstrous about someone unashamedly getting in a sleeping bag in a bar in the Ritz.

  And there is still time for us to realise his vision of me, shunned by society, and of him collecting cardboard. The radio show where all this happened is now no more, so these challenges really are over. But if you’re ever at work and get a call from reception saying that a Finty Mettledown is here to see you, maybe it’s me, doing it all again for old times’ sake and because I’m bored of watching television.

  About the Author

  Annabel Port is a Sony Gold Award-winning radio presenter, formerly of the Geoff Lloyd with Annabel Port show on Absolute Radio. She is also a podcaster and has written for television. Annabel vs the Internet is her first book.

  Acknowledgements

  This is going to be very much like an Oscar acceptance speech (but without any of the actual winning of an award). I’m going to really gush, safe in the knowledge that I don’t have to have eye contact with anyone while I thank them. Make no mistake about it, I’d never be able to say any of this to their faces.

  Firstly, thank you to everyone at Unbound, especially my editors: DeAndra Lupu for whittling and polishing the manuscript into the book you hold now. And Philip Connor for his help shaping a series of radio challenges into something readable, patiently wading through all my bad writing habits and for gently telling me that it’s “hang-gliding” not “hand-gliding”. Who knew? Not me, as it turns out.

  I would also like to thank Danielle Zigner for her input at the very early stages of the book, and Sara Barron for generously giving me unlimited access to her expert opinion and invaluable advice throughout.

  I’m indebted to Geoff Lloyd for giving me the opportunity to work on a radio show and the space to learn how to do it. Most importantly, he devised the radio feature and came up with all the challenges you read here as well as countless others. I’m just a workhorse cowering in the glow of his genius. If this was my Oscar speech, I’d probably be crying now.

  Everything you’ve read was originally heard on Absolute Radio so thank you to all the producers that I worked with there during the course of these challenges – Nelson Kumah, Gareth Evans and Dan Benedictus. I’m also very grateful to John Williams and Kiersten Lucas, without whom I would never have had a job there.

  The orchestra has probably started up to try and cut me off now but I can’t finish without acknowledging the unnamed and much appreciated real-life cast of this book. The security guard at the Ritz, the youth-club worker willing to believe I was seventeen, the man on the street who let me try out metempsychosis, and every other person I approached who was patient and kind, tolerating my ridiculous requests and replying to my stupid emails. You cheered me up every workday and made me like people more than I ever used to. I’m sorry for wasting your time.

  To the crowd that funded this book, without you this would still just be a dream. I want you to feel like a big Daddy Warbucks-style benefactor for the rest of your life.

  And finally, thank you to Tom. For everything else. Even though you still haven’t finished reading the first draft. I haven’t taken it personally.

  VIP Faces

  A huge thank you to the faces of these supporters.

  John Betjeman (and Colin)

  Both Paul and I got the “tilt your head” memo

  Damo’s only got one side

  Ethiopian mask, hard hat, Stephen

  What a lovely face to get stuck to mine

  Rusty’s Mr Wright

  Times Square as it should be

  “Red carpet” Gary

  Threatening Marty

  Ruth (the one on the left)

  Good and evil

  Speilberg or Korzelius?

  Can you see where I got my bandy legs from?

  Supporters

  Unbound is a new kind of publishing house. Our books are funded directly by readers. This was a very popular idea during the late eighteenth and early nineteenth centuries. Now we have revived it for the internet age. It allows authors to write the books they really want to write and readers to support the books they would most like to see published.

  The names listed below are of readers who have pledged their support and made this book happen. If you’d like to join them, visit www.unbound.com.

  @RoyalGallon

  Jude Abeki

  Nicole Adams

  Polly Adams

  Spiros Adams-Florou

  Edward Adkins

  Rebecca Alder

  Juliette Aldous

  Alison Alexander

  Cameron Algie

  Jasmine Allodi

  Keeley Ambrose

  Duncan Amey

  Lindsay Anderson

  Sally Anderson

  Colin Anderton

  Ashley Anwiler

  Llia Apostolou

  Carmen Arico

  Roberto Arico

  Britt Arrand

  Sarah Ashraf

  S
arah Astbury

  Miles Atkinson

  Christopher Austin

  Suzanne Azzopardi

  Helen Bacon

  Elspeth Badger

  Stephen Bagwell

  Ruth Baker

  Sarah Baker

  Jeff Bamford

  Bangerturner

  Ross Barber-Smith

  Corinne Barker

  Simon Barker

  Mark Barlow

  Ross Barnard

  Annika Barnett

  Lynn Barron

  Thomas Bassett

  Stephen Bealey

  Naomi Beaumont

  Fernando Becker

  Pete Beckley

  Tristan Beer

  Dominic Beesley

  Joseph Begley

  Adrian Belcher

  Leigh Bellinger

  Daniel Benedictus

  Ed Bennett

  Monika Berberich

  Louise Berry

  Laura Bill

  Gemma Bilton

  Zena Birch

  Carolyn Birkbeck

  Holly Bishop

  Mariana Bit

  Maria Blakemore

  Joe Blakk

  Andy Bleakley

  Chloe Bloomfield

  Graham Blue

  Phil Blyghton

  Rowan Bolton

  Charles Boot

  Patrick Bos

  Karen Bottomley-Wise

  Adam Bowie

  Lynne Bown

  Nick Bradbury

  Graham Brant

  Jeremy Brent

  Guy Brett

  Terry Brett

  Adrian Briggs

  Sean Briscomb

  Viviana Briseño

  James Bristow

  Kevin Brooker

  Jules Brosnan

  Louise Brown

  Mark Brown

  David Bruce

  Louise Bullen

  Neil Bunting

  Andrew Burdett

  Greg Burke

  Andy Bush

  Melissa Butler

  Ed Byrne

  Ben Cadwallader

  Ash Caffery

  Kathy Calmejane

  Anna Cameron

  Ani Cammack

  Cathy Campbell

  Matthew Cand

  Melanie Cantor

  Eloise Carr

  Claire Carter

  Alison Cassidy

  Jonathan Chan

  Sharath Chandra

  Michael Check

  Greg Cheesman

  Laura Church

  Heather Churnside

  Claire Cinnamond

  Dino Ciorra

  Michele Clapham

  Sarah Clarke

  Thomas Clarke

  Tom Clay

  Emily Coates

  Matthew Cocking

  Michelle Pelta Cohen

  Robert Cole

  Katherine Conlon

  Kevin Connolly

  Cheryl Connor

  Aaron Cook

  Laura Cook

  Paul Cooke

  Sandra Copson

  Danny Copues

  Deb Cornish

  Emma Corsham

  Gemma Cowan

  Matthew Cowan

  John Crawford

  James Cridland

  James Croall

  Paul Cronin

  Joe Crook

  Rachel Cross

  Janet Cue

  Elizabeth Cullen

  Anna Culley

  Fiona Cummins

  Katy Cusack

  Marcus Daborn

  Jennifer Dady

  Sally Dady

  Ivana Damant

  Ceri Daniels

  Garrie Darling

  Sandra Davey

  Menna Davies

  Sarah Davis

  Tania Dawson

  James Deacon

  Emily Dean

  Michael Dean

  Robert Dedus

  Jon Deeming

  Philip Dell’Isola

  Claire Denton

  Rebecca Devlin

  Joe Dixon

  Sally Dobbins

  Amanda Docherty

  Pete Donaldson

  Jenny Doyne

  Louise Driver

  Sarah Dudley

  Frances Duffell

  Matthew Duncan

  Nicola Durcan

  Lawrence Dwane

  Pete Dyson

  Laura Echols

  Rob Edwards

  Tim Elkington

  Thomas Elliott

  Daniel Ellis

  Paul Elms

  Abigail Evans

  Gareth Evans

  Sam Evans

  Victoria Evans

  Bob Farley

  Cathy Farrell

  Lucy Farren

  John Farrer

  Sarah Fellows

  Laura Fergus

  Steve Ferguson

  James Fidler

  Helen Fielding

  James Firebrace

  Chris Fishbourne

  Andrew Fishpool

  Martin Fitzgerald

  Kim Fitzpatrick

  Nick Folwell

  Ben Foote

  Andrew Forth

  Katie Fosberry

  Alex Foster

  Jo Foster

  Martyn Fox

  Mal & Tiff Franks

  Jamie Freeman

  Timothy Frost

  Jim Galbraith

  Pete Gardiner

  Emma Gardner

  Tracy & Mark Garner

  Eleanor Garth

  Debbie Gasho

  Joseph Gauci

  Eian Gault

  Aimee-Marie Gedge

  Caroline Gerrard

  Mark Gibling

  Jennie Gilpin

  Stefica Krajacic Gimenez

  Ravi Godbole

  Pauline Godfrey

  Sara Gollom

  David Good

  Alex Goodyear

  Dave Gorman

  Deborah Goulding

  Annette Graham-Wood

  James Grant

  Sam George Green

  Michael Greenspan

  Mark Gregersen

  Heather Greig

  Shaun Guppy

  Grant Gushlow

  Chris Hall

  Joe Hall

  Samantha Hall

  Rob Halloway

  Stephen Ham

  Gary Hamilton

  Edward Hancox

  Ben Handy

  Will Hann

  Kate Harbottle-Joyce

  Nicola Harding

  Ben Hardwick

  Kathryn Harker

  Pat Harkin

  James Harris

  Andrew Hart

  Victoria Hartley

  Erica Hartmann

  Graham Hastings

  Folly Haulks

  Kayo Hayakawa

  Lee Hayward

  Alan Hazlie

  Alexandra Heavyside

  Jo Hemmings

  Nicola Henderson

  Siobhan Hennessy

  Michael Henning

  Louise Hepburn

  Frances Herford

  Stuart Heritage

  Robert Hibbert

  Janet Hindle

  Benjamin Hodgson

  Alison Hogg

  Kurt Hohensee

  George Hollingdale

  Michael Holt

  Damien Hopkins

  Thomas Horne

  Philippa Hornsby

  Ian Howard

  Bruce Hughes

  Kevin Hughes

  Becci Hull

  Stephen Humphreys

  Chris Humphris

  Tony Hunt

  John Hutchison

  Sam Ilsley

  Henley Indge

  Fred Inglis

  Laura Ipsum

  Lee Israel

  Mark Izzard

  Deborah Jackson

  Lee Jackson

  Rosie Jamieson

  Brian Jeffers

  Michelle Jenks

  Rebecca Jewell

  Joan
ne - Happy Birthday lovely, Bear xxx

  Kelly Johnson

  Michelle Johnson

  Rosanne Johnston

  Gareth Jones

  Gareth William Edward Jones

  Richard Jones

  Tessa Jones

  xxCathy Jonesxx

  Ellen Jurczak

  Sue Karlstrom

  Kay, Isobel and Tim

  Amanda Keen

  Michael Keen

  Anthony Kelly

  Beth Kelly

  David Kelly

  Adam Kennedy

  Dan Kieran

  Natalie Kinsey

  Ali Kirk

  Becky Kirk

  Charlie Kirk

  Daniel Kirkdorffer

  John Korzelius

  Jan Kozusnik

  Zuzi Kubinska

  Sanda Kurtz

  Anne Lam

  Tom Lamparter

  Maggie Langer

  Christian Le Moignan

  Al Lee

  Amy Lee

  Christine Lee

  Philippa Leguen de Lacroix and her sidekick Wardy

  Ian Leigh

  Mimi Leighton

  Tracey Leitch

  Ivan Levene

  Sophie Lewis

  Verity Lewis

  Tobias Ling

  Stephanie Lister

  Diane Lloyd

  Geoff Lloyd

  Scott Lloyd

  Stuart Lloyd

  Jonathan Lowe

  Kiersten Lucas

  Ola Lundin

  Matthew Lynch

  Miranda Mackelworth

  Sam Mackeown

  Emil Mackey III

  Mark Maclean

  Martyn Maconachie

  Chris Maher

  Rob Maiden

  Klaus Maier

  Eleanor Marshall

  Lea Marshall

  Brian & Alison Martin

  Esther Martin

  Paul Martin

  Sharon Martin

  Marty From New Yawk

  Andy Matthews

  Despina Mavrou

  Andrew May

  Sarah Mayhead

  Debbie McCaffrey

  Alison McCormick

  Gerry McCready

  Jonathan-Action McCullough

  Sam McDonald

  Alan McGeer

  John A C McGowan

  Keith McGregor

  Matt McIlroy

  Melissa McIlsley

  Dawn McKee

  Dan McKenna

  Jack McLellan

  Tony McMahon

  Leanna McPherson

  Jim McSherry

  Sarah Meakes

  Paras Mehta

  Glyn Mercieca

  Marisa Messulam