Sacrifice Love: Saints Protection & Investigations

by Maryann Jordan

  Chad closed the space between them, engulfing her in his embrace. Holding her head against his massive chest, he murmured into her hair while stroking her back. She did not sob. Just silent tears that fell wetting his shirt. After a few minutes, she pulled back and looked up at him. Her moist, green eyes glistened brilliantly. Kissing her forehead, he did not ask any more questions, showing her he would listen when she was ready to talk.

  Taking a shuddering breath, she said, “That was one month before you came home. I talked to Adam about getting a divorce since the reason for the marriage was now no longer a necessity. He insisted that he wanted to be with me. Said I made him a better man. Said we could try again for children.” Shaking her head, she looked up at Chad, anguish in her eyes. “I know what we did makes no sense. But he really was good to me…or at least I thought so. We didn’t fight. We enjoyed the same things. Living with him was actually easy. I was worried about when you came home, wondering how you would take the news, but then I’d convinced myself that you only felt friendship for me. I figured I’d blown any chance with you anyway.”

  “And I didn’t take it very well did I? Fuck, Dani, I’m sorry. You’re right, though. The thought of seeing him with you killed me. There was no way we could go back to being the fun trio again…not when I cared for you the way I did. I assumed you two were happily in love and Adam never let on that you weren’t.”

  The two sat, both reflective in the silence.

  “Did you change jobs because of us?” she asked softly, grabbing a tissue from the end table and wiping her face.

  Keeping his arms around her, he said, “Not entirely. It’s true that when I came back, I couldn’t stand the thought of seeing you two together all the time, so I guess that makes me just as selfish as you said you were. But, it wasn’t the only reason. The time back in Afghanistan was…different. I was close to death every time we got near an IED. But it also made me realize that I wanted a change. When one of the Special Forces team members found out I was in Virginia, he told me about a former SF who started his own security business when he got out. I planned on talking to Jack anyway, feeling that my life needed a change. You and Adam being married just made that decision easier.”

  This time the silence was more comfortable, as though they had slipped back into the same easy camaraderie as before. He squeezed her slightly to regain her attention. “That’s my story, Dani, but you’ve got more to tell me.”

  “Yeah, I guess I do.” She shifted out of his arms and stood, blushing. “I…um, I’ll be right back. I need to take a quick break.” She walked down the hall to the bathroom and took care of business. Needing to pee often was something she was getting used to again.

  Coming back into the room, she stopped in the kitchen, grabbing two water bottles. Walking into the living room, she handed one to Chad as she stepped around his long legs and settled back onto the sofa. Twisting off the cap, she took a sip.

  “We stayed married, as I said, because I think we were both too scared to actually admit we’d made a mistake. Adam was good company and I honestly believed that we might make something of our marriage. Friendship, companionship…it didn’t sound like a bad basis for us. We fell into a routine, like most couples, though. Work, household chores, yard work. You know, the mundane things that make up life. The problem was that without the love holding it all together, we fell into boring and you know Adam…he never did well with boring.”

  Shaking her head, she admitted, “I feel like such a fool though. I was the epitome of the wife is always the last to know.”

  “I had no idea Adam was cheating, Dani, until right at the end. He and I never talked anymore and I had moved to Charlestown. It wasn’t until about a couple of months before he was killed. I ran into an old ATF buddy when I was in D.C. interviewing for a case. Adam came up in casual conversation and the guy said Adam was back to his old tricks.”

  She looked away, pain slashing across her face again. It did not matter that it was old news…it still stung.

  “Sorry, babe,” he said, hating his words had caused her pain.

  Giving her head a little shake, she continued, “I told him that I needed him to be faithful. That I couldn’t stand the idea of him being with me after having been with someone else. I told him that he needed to make sure I wouldn’t catch anything.” Jumping off the sofa, she paced in front of the mantle. “Was that too much to ask? Was marriage to me so horrible that he couldn’t keep it in his pants? Jesus, how many people knew and laughed behind my back? Poor little Dani who can’t even keep her fucking husband happy so he has to go out and fuck his bar bimbos?”

  Chad jumped up, stalked over, stilling her pacing with his hands on her shoulders. “Dani, stop. Honey, you’re going to make yourself sick talking this way.”

  She looked up, her eyes filled with anguish. “What was wrong with me?” she whispered.

  “Nothing,” he promised. “Absolutely nothing.” Pulling her into his chest again, he held the back of her head with one hand while the other wrapped around her back. “The fault was entirely on Adam. I don’t know why…maybe it was his lack of a father figure. Maybe it was his lack of maturity. But baby, you were the best thing that ever happened to him.” He felt her shoulders droop and he continued. “Whatever it was that made him have a need to be sexually promiscuous, baby it had nothing to do with you.”

  “He hid it well,” she admitted. “I had no idea. Or maybe I just didn’t want to see it.”

  “Come on, let’s sit back down.” He led her over to the sofa, making sure she was settled before he sat right next to her. He glanced down to her still flat stomach and when he lifted his eyes, he saw her staring at him.

  “Yeah, life can be crazy, right?” she smirked. “I get the visit by the ATF Chaplain to tell me that Adam was killed. It didn’t matter if we didn’t have the greatest love story in the world…we were husband and wife. We cared for each other.” Squeezing her eyes tightly together as though to ward off the agonizing memories, she sat still, the only movement the quivering of her chin. Finally, taking another deep breath, she opened her eyes to see Chad’s gaze holding hers tenderly.

  “And then the funeral…” he prompted.

  “Oh yeah, let’s not forget my brilliant performance at the wake.” Shaking her head again, she blushed as she admitted, “I just lost it. I was grieving my husband and friend and then to have that blonde fuck come in and…and…I just totally lost it. The realization that Adam had been fucking around behind my back and everyone seemed to know it…” She pushed herself away from Chad, piercing him with her gaze. “I was livid at everything and everybody at that moment. I got out of there, drove back to our house and knew I had to get out. I called my neighbor and well, you know the rest.”

  “Not all of it, honey,” he said, dropping his eyes to her stomach again.

  “How can you tell?”

  “One of my friend’s wives noticed you were only drinking water and your hand kept drifting down to your stomach. She’s pregnant and just got a feeling.”

  Dani’s hand slipped down to her flat stomach again in the unconscious, but timeless, movement of mothers-to-be. “I missed my period that was supposed to be right after he died. I figured it was stress. With moving and getting a new job, I kind of forgot about it. Then when I got morning sickness, I took a pregnancy test. Positive. Can you believe that?” she implored, her smile genuine. “I know most people would assume I’d be horrified…pregnant by my deceased, philandering husband.” Placing her small hand on Chad’s much larger one, she said earnestly, “But honestly? Once the shock was over, I was happy. I love this baby. Having lost one, and terrified until I can make it to the next trimester when the chance of miscarriage is much lower, I really love my baby.”

  Linking fingers with her, Chad smiled back at her. Her eyes were puffy and red. Her hair was falling out of the sloppy bun. Dark circles underneath her eyes accentuated her pale complexion. And she never looked more beautiful.

  C
hapter 8

  Dani’s head rested on Chad’s shoulder, with his arm around her protectively, as they sat on the sofa. Neither spoke for several long minutes, having exhausted themselves with the conversation. Her fingers splayed over his chest, the steady heartbeat pounding underneath. He pulled her in tightly, kissing the top of her head. The silence settled, blanketing them in a tentative peace.

  Finally, she lifted her head and peered into Chad’s eyes. “What now?” Her tongue darted out to moisten her dry lips and she trembled. “I mean, we’ve just had this big emotional talk…both realizing we should have said things to each other before you went overseas…and now…I…well, I…uh.” Flopping back, she huffed in frustration. “I don’t even know what I’m saying.”

  “No, no, you’re right,” he consoled. Shifting her body around so that she was facing him, he tightened his embrace. “We can’t change the past, Dani. But we sure as hell can change the future.”

  She cocked her head to the side, her hand once more on her stomach.

  He saw her expression of confusion and continued. “I wasn’t there for you the way I should have been before taking the mission. I wasn’t there for you when I came back. And I wasn’t there for you when you found out about Adam…both his death and…well…other things.”

  She glanced down but Chad lifted one hand and cupped her cheek. Rubbing his rough thumb over her delicate cheek, he raised her head so she was once more looking into his eyes. “No more leaving things unsaid or uncertain.” He noted as she sucked in her lips, her face a mask of question. “I’m here, Dani. Right here. And I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Chad, I’m having Adam’s baby. That takes precedence over anything I might want…or feel for you.”

  He slid one hand from around her back to her stomach, laying his hand over hers. “You’re having the baby of a man who at one time was one of my closest friends. I still cared for Adam. Dani, he can’t be here for you and the baby…but I will be.”

  He wasn’t sure what he expected her reaction to be, but the flash of anger in her green eyes caught him off guard.

  “I’m not some poor charity case,” she bit out. “I don’t need you to sacrifice yourself for me. Hell, that’s what Adam did and look where it got us! Women have been single mothers for a long time and I don’t need your sympathy. I made that mistake once and won’t be making it again!” She wiggled to move away but found herself held tighter.

  “I don’t pity you,” he groaned, her movements causing his dick to stir. “I’m saying that we’ve wasted almost a year and a half by not telling each other what was in our hearts. As long as you were married to Adam, my feelings were secondary and I’d never act on them. But Adam’s gone. And you’re still here. And honest to God, Dani…we’d be having this same conversation if you weren’t pregnant!”

  Holding her gaze, he moved in closer. “I want to be with you. The fact that you’re pregnant doesn’t matter to me as far as that goes.”

  She sat perfectly still, the only sound in the room was their breathing. Gazes held, each taking the measure of the other. The sting of tears hit the back of her eyes and she hated the idea of crying…one more time. “When you say it doesn’t matter—”

  “No, no…I said that wrong,” he rushed, his fingers still brushing her cheek. “I meant to say that it’s just an added bonus.” Catching her expression, he continued. “Adam was my friend and you know how I feel about you. Even Adam knew that a baby needs a father figure. I’d be honored to be that father figure for your baby.”

  Sucking in a ragged breath, Dani slowly moved from his embrace, stood and walked over to the window overlooking her yard. Her outside lights illuminated where the previous renters had attempted to plant a flower garden but their efforts had been overshadowed by the myriad of weeds and unraked leaves from the past fall. A few twigs littered the ground. I hate yard work. Or at least, I used to always hate yard work. A toddler will need a safe place to play so I suppose I’d better start thinking about those things.

  “Dani?”

  She startled at the pressure of Chad’s hands on her shoulders. Jesus, was I that deep in daydreaming that I did not even hear him walk over? She dropped her head, realizing she was thinking about yard work when the man she cared for had just told her he wanted to be a part of her and her baby’s life. This must be mommy brain…or I’ve completely gone over the edge.

  “I can hear your thoughts whirling even though you’re saying nothing,” he said. With his large hands still on her shoulders, he gently turned her around and pulled her body in close to his. Neither spoke for a moment as their heartbeats pulsed in rhythm.

  Lifting her head from his chest, Dani looked up into his face, pondering her words carefully. “I’m not sure exactly what you want me to say, Chad,” she began. “I’m glad we talked today. I’m glad you told me how you felt about me and why you stepped away from both Adam and me last spring. I…” she hesitated, her gaze dropping to his chest.

  “I hear a but coming,” he interjected, hoping he was wrong.

  “No, not really a but…more like a slow down.”

  He lifted her chin with his fingers, wanting to see her face. “Dani, we both fucked up a year and a half ago when neither of us clearly expressed what we were thinking or feeling. I don’t want to make that same mistake again. So, I’m going to speak plainly and I need you to do the same, okay?”

  She nodded, looking into his eyes once more.

  “I want to be in your life. I want to get our friendship back on track, but I’ll be honest…I plan on showing you just how I feel because I want more than just friendship.”

  The corners of her lips curved slightly as a small smile crossed her face. Her hands, holding on to his massive arms, gave a little involuntary squeeze as his words sunk in. “I’d like that too,” she agreed. “But slowly,” she quickly amended. Seeing his eyebrow lift in question, she explained, “We’ve changed in the last year and a half, Chad. I’ve been married and widowed. I’ve trusted and had that trust betrayed. I lost you, my best friend, and had to learn to live without you. I’ve been pregnant twice and miscarried once. I’ve changed homes, cities, and jobs. To say that my life has been a whirlwind of change would be an understatement.” Sliding her hands over his chest and down to his waist, her fingers gripping for emphasis, she implored, “So, yes…I’d like you in my life again. But slowly,” she repeated. “I’m not about to jump one more time into a situation that hasn’t been well thought out because life’s not just about me anymore.”

  His fingers flexed on her hips, warring between wanting to argue that they had wasted enough time and knowing her caution was right. His eyes dropped to her stomach and he smiled. He leaned down to kiss her forehead, holding his lips there for a moment. Her scent drifted to him—floral and fruity. Sighing heavily, he leaned back, holding her green-eyed gaze. “You’re right. Slow and easy is good. I’ve got to rebuild your trust in me, and babe? I’m gonna do just that.”

  *

  The next morning, Dani wandered into the kitchen, thankful it was Sunday and she did not have to go to work after having such a restless night. After their long talk Chad left, but his words played over and over in her mind. Desperate for coffee, she fixed a cup of herbal tea knowing she had to avoid the caffeine. The flavorful tea brought peace but hardly the alertness she needed. She moved to her purse to take out her phone and found the padlock from the storage facility as well as the letter she had stuffed in there. It was obvious the padlock had deep scratches on it where someone had attempted to cut it. Why didn’t I notice that the other day?

  She walked back to her second bedroom where she had stacked the remaining boxes from the storage unit and looked at them. Staring at them for a moment, she pondered why someone would have attempted to break into her unit. Convincing herself that she must have been just one of many they tried, she went back to the kitchen and grabbed a marker. Walking back to the guest room, she made her way around, re-labeling the boxes. Now that mos
t of Adam’s items had been disposed of or given away, she was just left with books, old CDs, a box of some of his things that she was giving to his mom, and out of season clothes for her.

  Walking back to the kitchen to toast a bagel, she was interrupted by a knock on the door. Looking through the peephole, she glanced at the mirror by the front door. Oh hell, who cares what I look like! Throwing open the door, she stared at Chad, looking handsome as ever. Dark t-shirt stretched over his arms and chest, leaving her to wonder how lucky the soft material was to be so close to those muscles. Faded blue jeans that showcased his hard thighs and that mouth-watering ass. Even his booted feet screamed to her girlie parts. And in his hand was a bouquet of flowers.

  “Chad? Um…I wasn’t expecting you.” Fiddling with the long t-shirt she was wearing, she hoped it covered her ass, which seemed to have gotten larger with this pregnancy. Cocking her head to the side, she added, “And you just left here late last night.”

  Grinning, he handed her the flowers while placing his hand in the middle of her chest, gently pushing her backward. Kicking the door closed with his booted foot, he leaned down to kiss her cheek. “Don’t want the neighbors getting a glimpse of your gorgeous body.” Seeing her standing in the doorway wearing a t-shirt, her hair piled on top of her head in a sloppy bun with tendrils hanging haphazardly down, and dark-framed glasses perched on her nose…his blood began running south.

  She snorted as she turned, walking into the kitchen to put the flowers in a vase. Standing on her tiptoes, she reached up to grab a glass vase from the top shelf of a cabinet.