No-One Ever Has Sex in the Suburbs: A Brand New Very Funny Romantic Novel

by Tracy Bloom

  They were both lying on changing mats, nappies off and vests akimbo, having a right good kick as though they were in training for the next World Cup. Meanwhile Alison marched between a basket and a chest of drawers, carefully laying colour-coordinated and beautifully ironed Babygros and vests to rest. Matthew sank to his knees and stroked both their bellies, marvelling for the umpteenth time at how soft and smooth their skin was.

  ‘George’s temperature was fine when he woke up this morning,’ Alison announced, not breaking her stride.

  ‘Good, that’s a relief.’ Matthew glanced up and tried to read her face. It looked the same as it always did, quietly determined, with an air of don’t mess with me, I’m concentrating on caring for my children.

  ‘So you had a normal day then?’ he ventured.

  ‘Pretty much,’ she replied, holding up a white Babygro that still held a faint stain at the nappy end. She did an about-turn and strode into the en-suite at the other side of the room, re-emerging seconds later without the rejected Babygro.

  ‘See anyone?’ he asked with what he hoped was a nonchalant shrug.

  ‘Well, half the class didn’t turn up to baby massage this afternoon. I mean, who are these people? How are they ever going to get the benefit of these classes if they don’t bother attending?’

  ‘Mmmm,’ said Matthew. Perhaps Ben hadn’t come round, he thought. She’d have mentioned it by now, surely. He wanted to ask, but the thought made his throat clench up.

  ‘Oh, and Ben came round this morning,’ she said, putting sugary pink cardigans on mini coat hangers. ‘Remember, I told you last night he was coming round to pick my brains.’

  ‘Oh yeah,’ Matthew said nonchalantly. Remember! He’d thought of nothing else since. ‘So how was he?’

  Alison paused mid-stride to the basket, appearing to consider his question deeply. Matthew stopped breathing.

  ‘Good,’ she nodded eventually and carried on. ‘It was actually really nice to see him.’ She didn’t elaborate, just continued her march across the room in front of his eyes, making him feel slightly queasy.

  He had so many questions. Are you seeing him again? What does the baby look like? Did he say how Katy was? Did he tell you that I used to be her boyfriend? Did he tell you that I slept with her at the school reunion? Did you ask him what on earth he’s doing coming to our house knowing all that? But she’d said it was nice to see him. That was a good sign. He should hold on to that. It couldn’t possibly be nice to see anyone who came with tidings that your husband had been unfaithful.

  ‘So he’s well, is he?’ he pressed.

  ‘Yeah.’ Alison stopped again to think about it. ‘He was really sweet, actually. Very grateful and appreciative. I honestly have no idea how Katy could have just walked out like that.’

  ‘She hasn’t walked out completely, has she?’ Matthew gasped.

  ‘Well, no,’ said Alison. ‘But from what I understand, she’s gone back to work leaving Ben to figure it all out for himself.’

  ‘Oh, I doubt she’s been as harsh as that,’ said Matthew. ‘Doesn’t sound like Katy. She probably has told him what to do but he didn’t take it in. You know what he’s like. He’s such a joker he probably didn’t even listen to her.’

  Alison halted in mid-stride yet again and turned to look at Matthew.

  ‘I honestly don’t think Katy had a clue how to look after a baby from what I can see. Millie has no routine whatsoever. Ben told me that most nights they don’t get her settled until eight-thirty. Can you imagine? Between you and me, I think Katy was glad to go back to work.’

  ‘I doubt that’s true,’ Matthew protested.

  Alison shrugged.

  ‘She always struck me as being a bit in denial about being pregnant. She never really listened at the antenatal classes, did she? In fact, I always assumed that she didn’t plan to get pregnant, that it was a mistake, especially as they aren’t married and there’s such an age gap.’ Alison stopped as though she expected Matthew to respond. He looked away, staring down at George’s foot.

  ‘Who knows?’ he shrugged, not looking at her.

  ‘I just know that if it were me there is no way I could leave that gorgeous baby and go to work,’ Alison went on.

  ‘The baby’s okay, is she?’ Matthew found himself asking. ‘I mean, she looks okay and everything?’

  ‘Oh yes,’ said Alison, smirking. ‘She looks just like Ben, actually.’

  ‘What?’ said Matthew, jerking his head up. ‘How?’

  ‘Bright ginger hair, bless her. There must be some very strong ginger genes running through Ben’s family.’

  Matthew had to look away from Alison for fear he was openly gaping. Millie was ginger! A surprise fact that couldn’t be ignored. Surely this proved that Ben was indeed the father – his own family were bestowed with boring mousy brown hair, without a hint of fiery red anywhere. He wanted to go and lie down in a darkened room and absorb this piece of information, which could finally allow him to close the book on his ill-fated reunion with Katy. The last chapter had been missing, the one that revealed who the father of Katy’s child was. Now he had evidence, which proved surely beyond reasonable doubt that it wasn’t him. A weight was released. He literally felt like he was floating and had no idea what Alison had just said to him.

  ‘Sorry? What did you say?’ he asked.

  ‘Just that ginger can be very striking on girls as they get older,’ said Alison. ‘If she’s lucky it’ll go that beautiful deep red and then she’ll be thanking her dad for her hair colour.’

  ‘Mmmm.’ Matthew needed to get out of the room and gather himself. He grinned down at George and Rebecca and hauled himself up. He felt light-headed – not a feeling he’d expected to come home to today. ‘Mind if I take a shower?’ he said. ‘Then tell me what I can do to help with these two.’

  ‘Nothing,’ said Alison instantly. ‘I’m about to feed them.’

  ‘Right. Are you sure? You could put your feet up for a bit and let me take over after that.’

  ‘Of course I’m sure,’ huffed Alison. ‘I do know what I’m doing, you know.’

  ‘I was only asking,’ said Matthew defensively. ‘I’ll just go for a shower then.’

  ‘No problem,’ Alison replied tersely. ‘Take your time.’

  They sat opposite each other at half past seven as they did every night, chewing on jacket potatoes and whatever Alison had put in the slow cooker that morning.

  ‘I think this is the best lamb you’ve ever done,’ Matthew remarked.

  ‘It’s leftovers from last week out of the freezer,’ Alison answered, without looking up.

  ‘Well, freezing must bring out more of the flavour, perhaps.’

  Alison didn’t reply, just stared back at him and raised her eyebrows.

  Matthew coughed. He felt nervous, which was ridiculous. It was as if he was about to ask her out on a first date again. Perhaps he was scared, because at the moment he didn’t trust his mouth to come up with anything sensible. It seemed as though every single suggestion he’d made to Alison about anything in the last few weeks was likely to end in out-and-out warfare. Inviting her out for dinner could spark a cold front until at least next year.

  ‘I rang my mum earlier,’ he announced.

  ‘Oh,’ said Alison.

  ‘And guess what?’

  ‘She won five pounds at the bingo?’

  ‘No. Actually the bingo is closed for refurbishment.’

  ‘Oh dear. What on earth is she finding to do with her time?’

  ‘Well, funny you should say that,’ he continued. ‘She’s offered to babysit for us on Friday night. Isn’t that brilliant? And I’ve managed to get us a table at Grants. They’d literally just had a cancellation. I couldn’t believe it. I was all ready to beg the maître d’, tell him it’s your favourite restaurant and it’s our first night out since our twins were born, but luckily I didn’t have to. I did ask him if he’d sit us on the upper level, though. I know how you hate being near the
toilets downstairs. And I checked that they still have calamari on the menu because I know that’s your favourite dish. Also, I thought we might go on to the wine bar if you’re not too tired. It’ll be fun, won’t it, to go out just the two of us and . . .’

  He trailed off. He was aware that he was waffling, attempting to cram in as many reasons as possible for Alison to be unable to refuse an evening out with him. But he was forced to stop as she slowly and deliberately raised her hand to indicate he should halt.

  ‘If you think I’m leaving Rebecca and George in the care of your mother you must be insane.’

  Matthew slumped. He’d suspected it was his mother who might be the weak link in his plan. Alison’s and his mother’s parenting styles were as far apart as they could be. Brenda had brought Smarties for the twins last time she’d visited, despite the fact they weren’t on solids yet.

  ‘They’ll keep, love,’ she said when Alison pointed out how inappropriate it was for babies to eat chocolate. ‘Little Matthew loved Smarties, didn’t you?’ she added, squeezing his cheek.

  ‘I think Alison is very keen to encourage healthy eating when they do start having proper food,’ Matthew replied. His mum stared back at him as though she didn’t recognise her own son.

  ‘Smarties never did you any harm, lad,’ his dad said, roaring with laughter, knowing exactly how to wind Alison up.

  ‘Only because he’s on a well-balanced diet now,’ Alison replied before putting the Smarties in the cupboard kept for unwanted gifts that could be offered as raffle prizes.

  Alison had resumed eating, confident in the knowledge that the argument for a night out was closed.

  He needed to win this one. He needed a relationship with his wife. He needed to sit and talk to her on neutral territory, not here in the home, which was now the domain of her and the babies. Sometimes he felt like some kind of lodger who rented a room to help pay the mortgage. Maybe that’s what he was now to this family. The guy who stayed with them and paid the mortgage. It wasn’t fair. He was going to win this one, whether Alison liked it or not. He must play her at her own game.

  ‘The restaurant is booked for eight, meaning Mum can arrive at seven-thirty, after the twins are in bed asleep. The meal will take approximately ninety minutes, during which time the babies will be asleep, but in the unlikely event they wake we can walk from the restaurant to here in ten minutes. I timed it. I will brief my mother to call the instant either child wakes up, threatening her with an exclusion order should she fail to do this. If there have been no calls by nine-thirty when we leave the restaurant, we can call home to check all is well, then move to the wine bar on the corner for an after-dinner drink. We can be home by ten-thirty if you wish and Rebecca and George will be none the wiser.’

  Alison had stopped eating, her knife hovering over the crest of her potato. Matthew stared back at her in what he hoped was a confident manner. He had thought of everything, he was totally in control. He’d sewn it up tighter than one of his client’s tax relief spreadsheets. There was nothing Alison could say to argue that they couldn’t go out.

  ‘But I’ve got nothing to wear,’ she protested.

  Matthew felt his shoulders slump with relief. Permission to go out with his wife on Friday night successfully acquired.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Katy had been desperate to get home early that Friday night. I must leave work at five on the dot, she kept telling herself all day. If she left at five she could be home by five-thirty, leaving her plenty of time to spring her surprise ‘date night’ on Ben. Under Daniel’s advice she’d kept her plan a secret, but she wasn’t convinced this was the right strategy for Ben. She’d expressed her concern during a lunchtime dash to the chemist’s with Daniel to buy all the necessary equipment for a transformation from working mother to something that Ben might just want to rub up to.

  ‘You have to show him you can be spontaneous,’ Daniel had encouraged, ‘that you can go out on a Friday night just like you used to. As grown-ups, untethered by a poo- and sick-making machine. He’ll love it.’

  ‘But what if he wants to stay in? What if he doesn’t fancy a cocktail bar? What if he wants to do something different?’

  ‘I would like to refer back to our conversation earlier this week. The facts that you laid before me were as follows. Ben has been acting strangely and, even more worrying – secretly. You believe it is possible that there is another woman involved. And finally, and the most damning evidence of all, is the fact that you and Ben have not had sex in a very long time.’

  ‘Condoms!’ she shrieked suddenly, making the woman steering a pushchair down the aisle in front of them look behind her in alarm. Katy looked away, feeling her cheeks go hot. ‘I need to buy condoms,’ she whispered to Daniel. ‘I didn’t bother going back on the pill after I had Millie because . . . because . . . well, you can guess.’

  ‘There’s no point going on the pill if you’re not actually having sex,’ said Daniel loudly enough to make the woman with the pushchair blush too.

  ‘Come with me,’ urged Katy.

  ‘What for?’ Daniel exclaimed.

  ‘Pleeeease,’ Katy begged. ‘I haven’t bought any for ages and there’s so much choice these days I’ll buy the wrong ones, I know I will. I’ll get home and discover I’ve bought the ones labelled petite or something. Can you imagine?’

  ‘No,’ said Daniel firmly.

  ‘I could ruin it before we’ve even started. You have to help me choose.’

  ‘Are you for real?’ said Daniel in a high-pitched voice. ‘You want me to help you buy condoms for Ben?’

  The lady with the pushchair scuttled off.

  ‘Come on,’ said Katy, grabbing his hand. ‘They’re just down this aisle.’

  They approached the display and both went silent for a moment, considering the options.

  ‘They really need to reconsider their branding,’ said Daniel, shaking his head.

  ‘Just what I was thinking,’ Katy agreed.

  ‘Thin feel,’ said Daniel, ‘is not a term that should ever be in the vicinity of a product associated with penises.’

  ‘And have you seen the colours they’ve used on that range?’ added Katy. ‘Exactly the same as for Calpol. You really don’t want to be confusing condoms with baby medicine, now do you?’

  ‘Mmmmm,’ Daniel nodded. ‘It’s just shockingly poor design work if you ask me.’

  ‘Shall I just get the bog standard ones?’ Katy said, after they’d both fallen into silence again for a few seconds.

  ‘Probably safest,’ sighed Daniel. ‘You’re right. It’s really hard to make sense of all that lot.’

  ‘The Essentials range?’ she asked. ‘Are they just the normal ones, do you think?’

  ‘Or does that mean the cheap range?’ asked Daniel.

  ‘Oh,’ said Katy, putting the box back on the shelf. ‘I don’t want cheap ones. I want quality, not cheap.’

  ‘Well, I think you’re going to have to choose between Excite Me or Tickle Me, then.’

  ‘But what about Ben? It’s not just for my benefit. I want him to enjoy it too.’

  ‘I think you’re meant to assume that’s a given. He is a man, after all.’

  ‘Right,’ shrugged Katy. ‘So Excite Me, then, do you think?’

  ‘How should I know? It’s you doing it. Do you want to be excited or tickled?’

  ‘I don’t care. I just want to have sex,’ hissed Katy, so that two men in suits in the next aisle turned to look at them.

  ‘Oh, for goodness’ sake,’ said Daniel, putting two boxes into her basket. ‘Let’s be optimistic, shall we, and have one of each.’

  ‘I can’t walk around the shop with two boxes of condoms in my basket,’ she protested. ‘Everyone will think I’m a slapper.’

  ‘Well, you’ll be the first slapper not to have had sex in months, then, won’t you? Now go and pay. You’re giving me a headache.’

  Katy’s afternoon went dramatically downhill when she returned to th
e office after lunch. What should have been a routine planning meeting went totally tits up when she uncovered that Freddie, her stand-in, hadn’t filled out the timesheets correctly. She’d had to retrace his steps on all the projects he’d handled to try and work out how much they should be billing their clients.

  To top it all the rain had come to dampen the spirits as well as bring Leeds to a virtual standstill. It wasn’t until six-thirty that Katy stood at her front door painting on a forced smile and preparing to apologise for her lateness yet again. She only hoped that the surprise night out would be enough to secure Ben’s forgiveness and by some miracle they would get Millie to sleep by eight-thirty before Daniel arrived to babysit.

  ‘Hiya,’ she shouted as she heaved the door open, carefully hiding the unsexy bag of shaving implements and contraception underneath her coat in the hall, to be retrieved later. There was no response. Strange, she thought. The pushchair was there so they must be in. She listened. Normally there would be the TV on or at the very least the radio, but all was quiet and an unusual sense of calm prevailed. She walked down the hall, aiming at the living room, but was run off course by a noise coming from the bathroom.

  ‘Hello?’ she shouted again.

  ‘We’re having a bath,’ came Ben’s response. Unusually early, thought Katy. She carried on, kicking her shoes off, and pushed the door to the bathroom open. The room was gloomy as only the light above the mirror was on. Ben was leaning over the bath supporting Millie in the water.

  ‘Has the bulb gone again?’ asked Katy.

  ‘No,’ replied Ben, not looking up. ‘I’m just trying something. Keeping it dark so she might be ready to go to bed earlier.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Katy. ‘Right.’ She didn’t know what to say. She hadn’t expected to come home to Ben dreaming up new childcare methods.

  ‘Worth a try, I suppose,’ she said in what she hoped was an encouraging manner. ‘Sorry I’m late again. Do you want me to take over?’ She leaned over his shoulder to smile at Millie.