The Purloined Puzzle

by Parnell Hall

  “Of course not, sweetheart. You have to forgive these people. They’re a little tense because I’ve been charged with murder. I suppose you’ve heard about it?”

  “I should think so, Melvin,” Cora said. “Her brother was also charged.”

  “Oh, is he your brother?” Melvin said. “Well, don’t worry. I won’t hold it against you. We can’t choose our relatives.”

  Peggy giggled. “You’re funny.”

  Cora’s eyes widened. “No, no, no, no. He’s not funny. Trust me on this. Ignore him and focus on the subject. Where’d you find the puzzle?”

  “In Johnny’s room.”

  “In Johnny’s room?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why’d you look there?”

  “Because he didn’t.”

  “He did look there. That’s where he found the knife.”

  “Yes,” Peggy said. “He found the knife and stopped looking. I mean, is he really going to look for a puzzle after a bloody knife?”

  Cora frowned.

  “Of course not,” Peggy said. “He finds the knife, he calls the police. You and the officer come out and get it. So I figured he stopped looking. And I figured right. There it was, in his bottom dresser drawer.”

  “The puzzle was in plain sight in his bottom dresser drawer?”

  “Well, if you opened the drawer.”

  “It was on top of his clothes?”

  “Not exactly.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It was under his clothes.”

  “So if you lifted up his clothes, the puzzle was in plain sight.”

  “You’re making fun of me. Why are you making fun of me? I looked for it and I found it. I think I did well.”

  “I think you did superbly,” Melvin said. “Let me see the puzzle.”

  Peggy passed it over.

  “It looks okay to me,” Melvin said. He cocked his head at Cora. “Of course, I don’t solve these things.”

  Cora’s smile dripped venom. “I’m surprised, Melvin. You have so many other talents.”

  “We all have things we’re good at,” Melvin said. “Solving puzzles doesn’t happen to be mine.”

  “But it is yours,” Peggy said, picking up the cue and looking at Cora. “Please. It’s important now. Solve the puzzle for me.”

  “What makes you think it’s important now?” Cora said.

  “A man is dead. And my brother was accused of killing him. Because he had a knife where the puzzle should have been. And it turns out the knife wasn’t the murder weapon. So my brother is innocent, except he had the puzzle. And how did that happen? It seems to me, that’s gotta be important.”

  “That’s because you’re not accused of murder, dear. Ask Melvin if he thinks it’s important.”

  Melvin opened his mouth.

  “No, don’t ask Melvin. He’ll say it’s important just to be contrary, but in point of fact, it isn’t. It’s an unimportant puzzle, and as such it is handled in the way we handle all unimportant puzzles.” Cora grabbed the puzzle from Melvin, thrust it out at Peggy. “Take it to Harvey Beerbaum.”

  “But—”

  “Let him solve it. If it says anything significant, it’s a clue. As it is, it’s just wastepaper.”

  “That’s a pretty dismissive attitude, considering your ex-husband’s on trial for murder,” Melvin said.

  Peggy stared at Cora. “You were married to him?”

  “Cut me a break, kid,” Cora said. “I was young and foolish once.”

  “Wow.” Peggy looked Cora up and down. “Must have been a long time ago.”

  Chapter

  29

  Harvey Beerbaum wasn’t pleased to see Peggy again. He’d been reluctant to enter her house, and he was even less inclined to let her into his. Not that she gave him much choice. She pushed right by him the minute he opened the door.

  “Now see here, young lady,” Harvey said, but she was long gone, ignoring him completely and looking around the living room as if it were the wing of a museum.

  “Oh, what a cute house!” Peggy said.

  Harvey Beerbaum’s house was cute in that it was decorated with crossword puzzle memorabilia. There were trophies from his finishes in various crossword puzzle tournaments. Harvey had never won one, but he had finished as high as third in various regional tournaments, and in the top ten in one of the national ones. There was a crossword puzzle cuckoo clock, a crossword puzzle lava lamp, and a crossword puzzle dartboard. There was a wooden stand with a large crossword puzzle grid on which the finalists had once competed, a relic from American Crossword Tournaments gone by. And there were framed photos of Harvey at the tournament posing with the likes of Will Shortz and the late great Merl Reagle.

  “I’m glad you like it,” Harvey said. “Now, if you could wait outside.”

  “I have the puzzle for you. The one we couldn’t find. I found it.”

  “That’s wonderful. Now, if you’d take it outside—”

  Peggy plunked herself down at the kitchen table. Though Harvey lived alone, it was set for four, perhaps to show off his crossword puzzle place mats. She pushed the plate aside and flopped the puzzle down on the mat.

  “Now see here—” Harvey began.

  Peggy pulled a pencil out of her pocket and thrust it in his face. “Here you go. Solve it.”

  “We can do this outside,” Harvey said.

  “Why? You got a table right here. Outside you got nothing to lean on. The pencil will go right through the paper. You can’t do that.”

  Harvey heaved a huge sigh. It would be faster to do the puzzle here than physically remove her. Safer, too. It would be hard to evict her without touching her, and the minute he did that, he was in the soup. He’d be labeled a sex offender for the rest of his life. It was either solve the puzzle or run screaming out the door. It was almost a toss-up.

  Harvey sat at the table and solved the puzzle as fast as he could. Fear was an amazing impetus. At that rate, he might have actually won the tournament.

  Peggy grabbed for the puzzle. “What does it say? What does it say?”

  Harvey wasn’t about to fight her for it. He left it on the table, rose from his chair. “See for yourself.”

  She snatched it up, peered at it. “So? What’s the answer?”

  “Read the theme entry.”

  “What’s the theme entry?”

  “Give it back.”

  “Why?”

  “So I can read it.”

  “You just wrote it.”

  “I just solved it.”

  “Don’t you have to read it to solve it?”

  “Not the same way.”

  Harvey held out his hand. If she didn’t hand it over, he was going to walk out the door. But she did.

  Harvey looked at the puzzle.

  “What does it say? What does it say?” Peggy cried.

  Harvey read the theme entry aloud:

  “DID HE DO IT?

  I DON’T KNOW

  YOU SAY YES

  SOME SAY NO.”

  Peggy’s mouth fell open. “Oh, my God!”

  “What?”

  “This is about the murder.”

  “How could it be about the murder?”

  “It is! It is! How could it mean anything else? There’s been a murder, and a man’s been accused.”

  “Yes, but—”

  Peggy grabbed Harvey’s pudgy face and kissed him right on the lips.

  Horrified, mortified, and blushing bright pink, Harvey sat in stunned silence as Peggy grabbed the puzzle and darted out the door.

  Chapter

  30

  “He solved it! He solved it!” Peggy cried, crashing into Becky’s office.

  “I’m sure he did,” Cora said. “And I’m sure he regards it as every bit an achievement in the annals of crossword puzzle lore as you do. But to some of us it is not a momentous event. So if you wouldn’t mind flying out the door as quickly as you came in we’ll be able to go about our business.”
/>   “You don’t understand. He solved the puzzle and it’s a clue.”

  “Unless it’s a clue that has something to do with the murder, I’m not interested,” Becky said. “Cora, would you mind taking your protégé outside?”

  Cora bristled and rolled her eyes. Between being kidded about her ex-husband and being kidded about Peggy Dawson, she was ready to bite someone’s head off. Not having had any sleep might have been a contributing factor.

  “Give me the damn puzzle and let’s get on with it.”

  “Here.” Peggy shoved it into her hands.

  Cora took the puzzle, read the answer. “‘Did he do it? I don’t know. You say yes. Some say no.’” She slapped herself on the forehead. “Oh, my God! It’s perfectly clear. It’s practically a confession. Sorry, Melvin, it looks like you’re done for. Better hunt up Ratface and see if we can plea-bargain.”

  Peggy was not too young to know when she was being mocked. “Hey,” she said, “this is serious.”

  “I’m glad you think so,” Cora said. “I hate to spoil your fun, but I feel constrained to point out you got this puzzle before the murder, so whoever is equivocating about whoever’s guilt or innocence can’t possibly be referring to that.”

  “Oh, no? What if they’d already plotted the murder? What about that? What if this was all part of the killer’s plan? What if the killer says, ‘I’m going to kill this guy, and in order to get away with it, I’m going to frame someone for it? I’ll write a crossword puzzle that makes him look guilty. So you all will think it’s him. Then I’ll take the murder weapon and plant it on him to finish the job’?”

  Melvin smiled. “You’ve got a good head on your shoulders, young lady. But I don’t think anyone would write a crossword puzzle about me.”

  Peggy pointed at Cora. “She would. What if she wanted to frame you for the crime? She sends me a crossword puzzle, knowing I’ll bring it to her. She doesn’t want to solve it herself, since she’s the one who made it, so she sends me to Harvey what’s-his-face to solve it, knowing I’ll bring it back. Since Harvey’s the one who solved it, no one will think she’s involved.”

  Melvin grinned at Cora. “You sure she’s not your clone? She has a really convoluted mind.”

  Cora turned to Becky. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am about all this.”

  “Why are you apologizing?”

  “I don’t know. This case has me batty. So what do you want to do with this crossword puzzle?”

  “I suppose we should give it to Chief Harper,” Becky said.

  “That’s right,” Peggy said. “Give it to the cops!”

  “He’s not going to be happy,” Cora said.

  “Are you happy?” Becky said.

  “Hell, no.”

  “Then why should he be any different?”

  Chapter

  31

  Chief Harper scowled. “You’re bringing me a crossword puzzle?”

  “That’s right.”

  “It has something to do with the murder?”

  “I doubt it very much.”

  “Then why are you bringing it to me?”

  “So you can’t say I didn’t.”

  “You paying me back for arresting Melvin?”

  “This has nothing to do with your arresting Melvin. I have no problem with your arresting Melvin. You can arrest Melvin as much as you like. That pain-in-the-ass Dawson girl insists this has something to do with the murder. I don’t think so. Becky doesn’t think so. You won’t think so. So you can read it, and file it, and you’ll never hear about it again, but no one can give you any grief that you didn’t. See how it works, Chief? It’s a win-win.”

  “Then why do I feel like I just bought the Brooklyn Bridge?”

  “Have you even seen the Brooklyn Bridge, Chief? It’s not a bad buy.”

  Chief Harper took the puzzle, looked it over. “‘Did he do it? I don’t know. You say yes. Some say no.’” He looked at Cora. “This doesn’t mean anything.”

  “Congratulations, Chief. Join the club. Your concurrence leaves Peggy Dawson in a minority of one. Just where you want to leave her. So now that’s taken care of, you wanna discuss the crime?”

  Chief Harper smiled and rubbed his hands together. “Ah. The ulterior motive. It’s a relief to know you have one. By all means, let’s file your silly crossword under hollow ruses and get to what you really came for.”

  “The crossword is what I came for, Chief. The chitchat’s incidental.”

  “The fact your ex is accused of murder not withstanding?”

  “I wonder how that happened.”

  “How what happened?”

  “Melvin got accused of murder.”

  “Well, it wasn’t on a whim. He happened to have the murder weapon.”

  “So he did, and that’s very interesting. Because I happen to know Melvin. I know what he would and would not do. One thing he wouldn’t do is get caught with the murder weapon. First, because he wouldn’t commit a murder, and second, because it’s stupid. The guy’s committed a murder, so what does he do? Leaves the knife in his glove compartment and goes out to lunch.”

  “Killers often make mistakes.”

  “Oh, please don’t give me that lame excuse cops always make when their logic doesn’t make any sense. Yes, killers often make mistakes. They miss a fingerprint when they wipe off the gun. They don’t realize they can be seen from a second-story window when they do the deed. Their alibi breaks down. These are the type of mistakes we’re talking about. They don’t make the mistake of behaving like a two-year-old who doesn’t realize possession of the murder weapon might connect them to the crime.”

  “Stop spouting talking points. I agree possession of the murder weapon is open to other interpretations. Would you agree it’s something that needs to be explained?”

  “Absolutely. And if I find the person who put it there, I’ll be sure to ask them. Let’s not kid each other, Chief. No one’s got the faintest idea what’s going on. So it behooves us to find out. We can start by looking at what we know.”

  “What do we know?”

  “We know the police found the knife in Melvin’s glove compartment.”

  “Which you claim proves his innocence,” Harper said sarcastically.

  “Let’s not go around again. All we know is the police found it there. And how did they find it there? They found it all nice and legal because they had a search warrant. And how did they get a search warrant?”

  “Henry Firth went before the judge.”

  “And how did Ratface know to do that?”

  “I beg your pardon?”

  “You know exactly what I’m getting at. Did he do it on a hunch? Of course not. He wouldn’t have thought to ask for it, and Judge Hobbs wouldn’t have granted it. You asked for a warrant to search Melvin’s car. Now, how’d you know to do that?”

  “I can’t discuss the case with you.”

  “Oh, this you can’t discuss. We were discussing the case just fine, but this you can’t discuss. Because Ratface is so obsessed with winning one he’s playing games. We want to know on what basis a search warrant was obtained on our client. Are you really going to make us jump through legal hoops to do so?”

  “I have to follow the instructions of the prosecutor. There are certain things I am not at liberty to say.”

  “For instance?”

  “For instance, if the police obtained a warrant on the basis of an anonymous tip, I couldn’t tell you.”

  Cora considered that. “This tip you couldn’t tell me about—would that be a phone tip?”

  “I couldn’t tell you about any tip, but I particularly couldn’t tell you about one on the phone. And I’ll thank you to remember I didn’t.”

  “That phone tip you can’t tell me about—would that be a male voice or a female voice?”

  “It’s hard to say.”

  “Then don’t. Hit me with a hypothetical. That’ll protect you.”

  “I’m not even sure which hypothetical to pos
tulate.”

  “Was the voice male or female?”

  “That’s hard to say.”

  “I know it is. That’s why we’re using hypotheticals.”

  “That’s not what I mean.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Hypothetically, suppose the voice was androgynous?”

  “Wow, Chief. Each time I think you’ve come up with your word for the day, you top yourself. Androgynous. What did this androgynous voice say?”

  “Hypothetically?”

  “Androgynously.”

  Harper grinned. “It’s hard to stay mad at you.”

  “Oh, were you mad at me? What for?”

  “I have no idea.”

  “Well, now that we’re friends again, you wanna tell me what you have on my ex?”

  “Aside from the murder weapon? He had a history with the decedent. A history of jealousy, rivalry, and violence. There are witnesses to these incidents, and none of them seem particularly disposed toward Melvin. We also lack a viable alternative suspect.”

  “You arrested one.”

  “He appeared to be in possession of the murder weapon. Turns out he wasn’t.”

  “And wouldn’t that be a wonderful way to convince you he didn’t do it? Get himself arrested on the basis of evidence that proves to be false. It’s enough to make you overlook any evidence that might possibly be true.”

  “What evidence?”

  “Well, there you have me at a disadvantage. What other evidence have you got?”

  “Now we’ve moved strictly into the realm of things that can help the defense. When you ask for chapter and verse of what Becky will claim constitutes reasonable doubt, we have overstepped the bounds of friendly discussion.”

  Cora shrugged. “Can’t blame me for trying. Let’s get back to the theoretical phone tip. I assume you traced the call?”

  “You may theorize anything you like.”

  “With what result?”

  “I don’t know. Were I making such a call and didn’t want it to be traced, I would probably use a burner phone and immediately destroy it.”

  “And that didn’t make you suspicious of the tip?”

  “There would be no reason to trace such a call until it had been checked out and borne fruit. At which point the murder weapon would have already been found.”