Angel Baby

by Leslie Kelly

  An hour later, after Claudia and Melanie had set Chase and Ryan in yet another hand of Spades, Chase threw down his cards in disgust. “Enough," he exclaimed. "Trying to get no tricks is worse than going for half a dozen.”

  “I warned you not to go nil,” Claudia said.

  “Yeah," he retorted. "But you didn’t tell me you and Melanie would purposely throw twos and threes at me until I broke."

  Ryan laughed out loud as Melanie tallied up the score.

  “Don’t sweat it, Chase," Ryan said. "They say I’m the shark, but it’s Claude you have to look out for. Be thankful we weren’t playing poker. Back in college, I lost my shirt to her on more than one occasion.”

  “Literally?” Chase asked with a raised eyebrow.

  “No,” Claudia retorted. “We played penny poker, not strip.”

  “Too bad,” Chase said as he stared intently at Claudia. “I’m actually quite good at poker."

  Ryan laughed heartily at Chase's murmured comment, and Melanie glanced down to hide her grin. Claudia felt a slight flush in her cheeks, surprised that Chase would be so flirtatious with others in the room.

  “This is so great,” Ryan beamed as he cleaned up the cards. “Just like old times.”

  Ryan seemed to realize the instant the words left his mouth that he’d said something wrong. A silence immediately fell over the room. Claudia saw Ryan grimace as he glanced sheepishly toward her, then toward Chase. Melanie bit her lip, and looked down toward her hands.

  “I’m sorry, Claude," Ryan said, his words halting and quiet, "I didn’t mean...”

  “It’s all right,” Claudia said softly. “I know what you meant.”

  Chase watched as Melanie’s eyes darted toward the photo of herself, Ryan, Claudia and Joe on the mantle. He suddenly felt very much an intruder.

  “I think we’d better head home,” he said, his good mood fading. “It’s getting pretty late.”

  He suspected Claudia’s mood had changed, too. She gazed at him, nodding her head slowly, and he’d swear he saw a shadow of guilt in her expression.

  He understood. For the last few hours she’d enjoyed herself thoroughly, but Ryan’s words had reminded her of the past, and how different her life was now. She had to be feeling guilty, angry at herself as if she’d forgotten all about her late husband, as if he could easily be replaced by another man at the table, another player in the game.

  Well, that’s how Chase felt, anyway.

  He only wondered how she was going to feel about it, now that she’d been reminded of what she’d lost…and compared it to what she and Chase were creating together.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Sarah never even stirred as Claudia bundled her up in a blanket to carry her out of Melanie's house. Chase had already gone outside to warm up the car. She joined him in the driveway and he helped her put the baby into her car seat. Their goodbyes to Ryan and Melanie were cordial, but Claudia sensed an awkwardness that had been absent earlier. Ryan and Mel were feeling the same guilt she did, while Chase obviously felt like an interloper.

  Chase didn’t speak during their ten minute ride back to her house. Claudia felt the silence even more than she had earlier in the evening. It was as if someone else, Joe, was sitting in the front seat with them, between them...invisible, but there.

  When they reached her house, Chase said, “Why don’t you go on in and turn on the lights. I’ll carry Sarah in.”

  Realizing the house might be chilly, since she hadn’t left the heat on that morning, Claudia nodded briefly and got out of the car. She went inside and quickly set the thermostat in the hallway. By the time she turned around, Chase was walking past her with the baby in his arms. He never paused, carrying her upstairs to her room. Claudia followed, watching as he gently placed Sarah in her crib.

  “I can’t believe she never even stirred,” he whispered as she moved to stand beside him at the crib.

  “She’s a sound sleeper. I used to have to wake her up to nurse her when she was a newborn.”

  After rearranging Sarah’s blanket, Claudia kissed her fingertips, then pressed them on the baby’s chubby cheek. Chase watched her, not saying anything, then followed her out of the bedroom and back downstairs.

  “Thank you so much, for bringing us home,” Claudia said when they reached the living room.

  “I’ll pick you up in the morning,” Chase replied.

  “I hate to put you out,” she said, but he waved a hand at her, cutting her off.

  “You’re not.”

  She nodded slowly, waiting to see what he would do next. Chase's eyes drifted to the sofa, and the living room floor. There was no doubt in her mind that he was remembering the way he'd pushed her back on the sofa, sliding her sweater off her body to lick her naked breasts the day before. She found herself remembering how, in this very spot yesterday, they'd fallen off the couch to the floor and he'd been inside her before he could even get his pants all the way off. They'd made love for every moment of Sarah's long nap and by the end of the afternoon she didn't feel she had the strength to move.

  Now, however, that invisible presence was between them. She felt it. How could he not feel it too?

  He stared at her, his dark eyes filled with some emotion she didn’t want to try to place. It was as if he was silently asking her a question, one she wasn’t prepared to answer. Ryan’s casual comment earlier had brought a lot of feelings rushing to her mind, memories of Joe, and an unfamiliar guilt. She sensed that Chase realized that, and wanted to talk about it, but wasn’t quite sure how.

  “Hell, Claudia, what are we going to do about this?” he finally asked.

  Slowly, she looked up to meet his eyes. There was no point trying to pretend she didn’t know what he was asking.

  “I don’t know.”

  After a brief pause, no longer than a heartbeat, he spoke softly. "I want to make love to you again.”

  Claudia’s heart skipped a beat. She felt a sudden rush of warmth deep inside her. Just those simple words, not a kiss, not a caress, aroused her to the point where she could hardly draw breath without thinking about it.

  “I want you, too,” she admitted on a sigh. She could tell that Chase didn't take comfort from her admission. He obviously sensed in her voice the words she didn’t say, But I can’t.

  “Is it Joe?” he asked, and she knew he understood she was telling him no.

  “Maybe,” she whispered, “I don’t know. I’m ready to move on, ready to start living. I know that’s what he’d want.”

  “But?”

  “But I’m not just a single twenty-something year old woman. I have to think about Sarah. What happened this weekend was wonderful, but I have to think about what it means.”

  “It means," he replied softly, "that we've very attracted to each other. That we give each other immense pleasure. Does it have to mean anything more than that right now?"

  Claudia didn't answer for a moment. Part of her agreed with him. Such pleasure shouldn't have to be justified. But the other part, the part that was Sarah's mother first and Claudia the woman second, knew that it had to mean more.

  "I don't know, Chase. Maybe for some women that would be all right. But you have to understand, I've never, that is...God this sounds so stupid to say out loud in this day and age."

  "What?"

  "Chase, I've never done this before. I mean, of course, I've been married, and I've had a child, but I've never had a...a meaningless affair...."

  "Is that what this is?" he asked, his voice tight, his eyes narrowing.

  "That's just the point. I have no idea. I don't know how to act in this situation. For heaven's sake, I was a virgin on my wedding night. Making love with someone is a huge thing for me, and suddenly, I'm having to face the fact that I've begun this amazing, physical relationship with you, and I have no idea how you feel about me."

  Chase dropped his head and looked at his own hands. Claudia suddenly felt a fool for practically demanding a declaration from him., one he obvio
usly wasn't prepared to make.

  "Claudia," he finally replied, "I don't know how to describe what I feel for you. I know I've never felt this way about anyone else. I want to be with you. Not just making love to you, but with you—listening to your laughter, and watching your eyes light up when you smile."

  His words were halting, as if each one was difficult for him to utter. Claudia knew they probably were. Chase Paxton was not a man to whom words came easily. Especially words of tenderness, those which made him vulnerable.

  She walked to him slowly, placing her hand on his chest. "It's all right, Chase. I think we both just need time to think about this. Maybe it would be best if we just try to cool off for a little while."

  She wondered if he'd be angry, but instead he nodded slowly. Seeing the warmth in his eyes, she realized he did understand. She also sensed that he wasn’t upset with her. Some men might have felt used, led on by her mixed signals, but not Chase. He was willing to back off, to give her the time to accept what she was feeling and act on it. She smiled shakily at him. He nodded in return.

  “Goodnight, Claudia. Pleasant dreams.”

  He bent to kiss her lightly on the lips in a brief farewell. Claudia closed her eyes, but the kiss ended much too soon. When he pulled away she nearly cried out.

  Claudia watched him slip out of the house and walk to his car. Sitting on the sofa in the living room, she peeked through the curtains, her forehead pressed against the cold windowpane. The room was still chilly, and her breath made faint circles on the glass. Long after the tail-lights of his car disappeared from the driveway, she stood and went up to bed.

  Sleep proved elusive, of course. Her small bed suddenly seemed huge, immense, because she was alone in it. Making love with Chase had given her the most physical pleasure she'd ever known in her life. But it had also made her face the fact that her feelings for the man weren't just attraction, and liking.

  She loved him. She hadn’t wanted to, hadn’t planned to, but she knew she did.

  This wasn’t like what she’d felt—still felt—for Joe. Joe had been her best friend, they’d never exchanged a single cross word, never argued, had fun together constantly. They’d lost their virginity to each other and had laughed their way throughout the entire experience.

  Chase, on the other hand….

  Chase drove her a little crazy. He infuriated her, tormented her, taunted her.

  Protected her. Soothed her. Aroused her.

  It was love. Not the same love, a very different one. But love all the same.

  Claudia allowed herself to be warm with the feel of her love for him for a few moments. Then she forced the feelings aside and thought about her child. Loving Chase was a wonder, but it would never work. She'd known from the day Joe died that she would be alone, at least until Sarah grew up. She'd made a vow to her husband, to her child, and to herself. The longer she allowed herself to love Chase, the more it would hurt later when it had, inevitably, to end.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Chase didn't sleep at all. Throughout the night, he lay in bed thinking of Claudia and the swift changes in their relationship. It hadn't really been that swift, he realized, considering he'd been deeply emotionally involved with her for a year. Exactly one year next week. Sarah's first birthday was less than seven days away.

  He kept seeing Claudia's face as she admitted, almost embarrassed, that she'd never had a meaningless affair. He didn't like hearing that expression on her lips. Didn't like that she could even say it in context with what they had together. But then, he hadn't given her much alternative, had he?

  He hadn’t ever revealed how he felt, either to her, or to himself.

  But he was beginning to suspect.

  He was falling in love with her. Claudia had worked her way into his heart, prying open the tightly closed chambers, filling him with hope and wonder. Her child had done the same thing, and right now, he knew there wasn’t anything on this earth he wouldn’t do to protect both of them.

  Those thoughts were still on his mind the next morning, when he swung by Claudia's house to pick her up. She rushed down the outside steps, carrying Sarah, and got into the car immediately. Their ride to Melanie's was silent, thick with their unspoken thoughts. Chase didn't know what to say to her. He'd never in his life told a woman he loved her. The last thing he wanted was to tell her and have her think he was saying only what she wanted to hear. So he remained silent.

  "Thank you again," Claudia said as they reached the office after dropping Sarah off. "Hopefully whatever's wrong with my car won't take too long to fix, and I can stop being such a nuisance."

  He grabbed her hand before she got out of the car and squeezed it tightly. “You weren’t a nuisance when you gave birth in my bedroom,” he said with a gentle smile. “So I think I can handle giving you a ride to work.”

  She smiled back, some of the brightness returning to her eyes. Which made the day a little sunnier.

  When they walked inside, Annie greeted them both, then said, “Willie called about your car, Claude. He says he thinks the transmission might be gone, and wants you to call him.”

  Claudia saw Annie’s frown, and Chase’s, and asked, “Is that as bad as it sounds?”

  “Several hundred dollars’ worth of bad,” he replied.

  She sighed deeply, mentally calculating how much money she had left in her savings account and trying to remember whether payday was this Friday or next. Though she made a good salary, she hadn’t been working for Chase long enough to really build up her nest egg. She'd been hoping to avoid any major expenditures for at least a couple of months. Still, considering the car was a twelve year old heap, she knew she couldn’t complain.

  “Don’t worry about it, Claude,” Chase insisted. “I’ll call Willie; he’s a genius tinkerer. I’ll bet he can work something out, find used parts or something.”

  Chase must have been right, because later that afternoon, the mechanic called back and told he’d been wrong about the problem. He said it was only some bad wiring which wouldn’t cost more than fifty bucks. The tow, he told her, he’d throw in for free since, as he said, he’d been, “Down to the Duck Bill Café for a BLT and some home fries for dinner anyways."

  Claudia could barely contain her relief, and sought Chase out to thank him that afternoon. Sylvia had already left for the day. Claudia waited in the outer office until she heard him finish a phone call, then she knocked lightly and entered when he called.

  “I just talked to ole’ Willie. What a character,” Claudia said with a laugh. “Anyway, my car’s ready. It wasn’t nearly as serious as he first thought. Thank goodness.”

  “Good,” Chase said, not quite meeting her eye.

  “I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you driving me around." Claudia said. “You’ve been just wonderful."

  Chase seemed uncomfortable with her thanks, shrugging as he said, “Forget it. I have to run to the bank in a little while. I'll drop you off at Willie's shop on the way, and you can get your car."

  Awkwardly thanking him again, Claudia left his office.

  Late that afternoon, Chase drove her to Willie's shop only to find her car wasn't ready. Claudia's annoyance quickly disappeared under the humorous explanations of the mechanic, but she apologized to Chase for the wasted trip.

  "It's all right," he said as they drove out of the mechanic's lot. "It was right on the way to the bank anyway. Listen, I have no problem taking you and Sarah home, but I have to go back to the office for a few minutes first. Do you mind?

  "No, not at all," she quickly relied. "Without my car, I'm obviously not going to be able to go on my birthday shopping expedition, anyway."

  "I haven't forgotten," Chase said.

  Arriving at the deserted office, they entered the quiet building. Claudia considered waiting in the car, but didn't want Chase to feel he had to hurry back out. She followed him inside.

  "I'll just be a few minutes," Chase said when they entered the lobby. "Want to wait in my office?"<
br />
  Claudia shrugged and followed him, conscious of the loud click of her heels on the floors in the eerie silence of the building. Without the hum of the fax machine, the constant ringing of the phone or the incessant chatter of Annie, the place seemed quiet as a tomb.

  "So," Chase said as they entered his office. "Have you planned anything special for Miss Sarah's big day?"

  "Just a small family party," Claudia said softly. "I'd planned to invite Melanie and Ryan, and Dorien. And you, Chase. I hope you'll come."

  Chase nodded and cleared his throat as he walked to his desk and began sorting through papers. Claudia felt her heart clench a little for him as he tried to maintain the friendly distance she'd asked for. Right now, she wished she'd never said a word, for all she could picture was the way they'd lain on top of that very desk just twenty-four hours before. And how she'd cried out his name in ecstasy.

  Catching his eye, Claudia quickly looked at the floor.

  "What about your real family?" Chase asked.

  Chase watched the sadness creep over Claudia’s face. Her shoulders, usually so straight and set, slumped the tiniest bit. Her chin dropped forward. Her eyes stared at a patch on the carpeted floor, somewhere between the her desk and a file cabinet in the corner.

  “You need to let it go, you know," he told her. She frowned at him, but he ignored it and continued. “You need to let go of the pain and the resentment you’re still carrying around from your childhood. No matter what happened then, now your life is what you make of it, and you’re doing a damn good job.”

  She caught his eye, and he stared right at her, proud that she stood straighter and lifted her chin.

  “I’m not carrying anything around," she retorted.

  He paused for one moment. “Then call your mother.” Though she gasped, and even flinched a little, he didn’t back down. “You say you don’t know where she is, but have you ever really looked?”