by John Guare
PINCEPOUSSE (whisper)What plan?
JACQUES CORNETWhat are they saying?
MORALES (whisper)The plan we had talked about pursuing one day.
PINCEPOUSSE (whisper)Which plan?
JACQUES CORNETI cannot be excluded!
MORALES (smacking Pincepousse)You dunce! Our plan requires money!
Margery appears, dressed as a boy.
MARGERYAre we going to the ball?
PINCEPOUSSENapoleon will want Margery! Napoleon will not have you!
Pincepousse drags Margery off.
MORALESI have no money. Do you?
CREUXI have no money!
Pincepousse returns.
PINCEPOUSSEI have no money.
MORALESOnly Jacques Cornet has money.
CREUXFinally to meet a good man. Is he on our side?
PINCEPOUSSEHe is a lecher! I loathe him! And there’s one other thing—
Jacques Cornet, now dressed, appears at the side of the stage, Murmur at his side.
JACQUES CORNETOnly one?
MORALES (to Pincepousse)Do not reveal Jacques’ racial background to this lunatic until we have Jacques’ money. . . . My dear cousin M. Pincepousse and I must attend to the power of my office. Prepare for the ball! I see you in a toga! The two of you will shine tonight!
Creux and Doña Polissena go.
MORALESCome with me to the Cabildo!
DR. TCity Hall.
MORALESAnd give Cornet no suspicion of needing money for revolution. He’ll attempt to intrude.
PINCEPOUSSEHow will we get money out of him?
JACQUES CORNETYes. How will you?
MORALESWhat is Jacques’ weak point?
JACQUES CORNETFashion!
MORALESMaps! We will create a new map to sell to Jacques Cornet!
JACQUES CORNETAs I have a new map of you, you swine. Murmur, go to the Cabildo. Follow these men. Find out their plans. I am not surrendering one ounce of my authority!
Doña Smerelda, half-dressed, runs to Jacques Cornet.
DOÑA SMERALDAYou love only me?
JACQUES CORNET (embracing her)I love only you. (to us) And you and you.
DOÑA SMERALDAYou’ll always protect my honor?
JACQUES CORNETAs I would protect my wardrobe.
He goes.
The street outside Morales’ home.
JACQUES CORNET (to Murmur)Any return of le Code Noir will surely not apply to me. I control the flow of money in this town. I am safe. Anxiety is a slave’s emotion.
MURMUROr so he thinks.
Doña Athena appears. Jacques Cornet and Murmur go. Doña Athena follows.
Morales and Pincepousse enter the Cabildo.
MORALESHas anyone seen us?
PINCEPOUSSENo one.
MORALESRevolution makes me thirsty! I need a drink. Slave!
Murmur appears as an old man, carrying a tray of drinks.
MORALESWe will unite North and South America. One nation from Canada to Tierra del Fuego, ruled by me, no longer Supreme, but elevated to Glorioso Intendante. I am no longer El Cid. I am Jorge Washington of Nova Spania.
PINCEPOUSSEAnd I?
MORALESYou are vice-Glorioso Intendante. We must raise a militia.
PINCEPOUSSEMargery will love me then. (seeing Murmur) Who is he?
MURMURI’s jest cleanin’ up.
MORALESThere’s a dustball in that corner.
PINCEPOUSSECan he understand?
MURMURI never hears nothin’. The way everything is suits me fine.
MORALESI will restore to you all that Jacques Cornet has wrongfully taken from you.
PINCEPOUSSEMy house? My money? Everything my father left him?
MORALESEverything! And Margery shall be our queen!
PINCEPOUSSETo Nova Spania!
They go. Murmur runs to Jacques Cornet with the news.
JACQUES CORNETNova Spania? Surely if there’s a new nation, I must hold a high rank in it. But wait! The Frenchman? The Englishman? Have they received their own coded message? Murmur, the keys.
DOÑA ATHENE appears. Jacques Cornet sees her and flees.
DOÑA ATHENEWas not the world a vast prison, and women born slaves? Come back. Come back!
Doña Athene pursues Murmur and Jacques Cornet.
The docks. Margery appears, dressed as a boy.
MARGERY (to us)I love this free port—walking along the docks and piers, seeing ships from all over the world depositing their goods. I hear every language known to man. I just met an Egyptian. I love the colors of all the skin that I see. The browns, the blacks, the yellows, the pinks, the white, quadroons, mulattoes, samboes, mestizos, Indians, and other commixtures not yet classified. Listen! Hear bagpipes on one ship and Italian mandolins on another. Breathe! The scent of the food. No city on this planet can be more varied, more motley, more multifarious. Is there another place where no barriers exist between people? A world where people join, meet, all equals. Oh, there are slaves but if you’re a slave you can work to buy your freedom because the more people that are free, the better we all will be. If the presence of Pincepousse is the price I must pay for being in this paradise, I’ll pay! Perfection.
Pincepousse appears. She sees him and flees.
Mardi Gras! New Orleans is a riot of drumming and dancing and lots of badoum. Floats! Carnival! Joy!
Jacques Cornet appears, making his way through the ecstatic throng.
JACQUES CORNETAs a bee invades its body into combs, so must I now penetrate their homes. The home of the Yankee Sparks.
Jacques whistles that whistle. MRS. SPARKS appears behind a wrought iron gate.
MRS. SPARKSOh Jacques, it’s not the right time.
JACQUES CORNETOh Blessed damozel, with you I always know the time. I think of you, the clock within my body sweeps to high noon.
MRS. SPARKSBut my husband is home.
JACQUES CORNETIs he my rival?
MRS. SPARKSNever. Mr. Sparks just says trifling things like Barbary pirates declared war on the United States.
JACQUES CORNETWar? Why would your husband know this?
MRS. SPARKSMr. Sparks relays information to the State Department for the new president.
JACQUES CORNETThe United States has a new president? What happened to the old one?
MRS. SPARKSWe elect a new one every four years.
JACQUES CORNETWhat a ridiculous system. This new president will need a man to oversee deliveries to the port of New Orleans. Could your husband get a message to—
Sparks enters. Mrs. Sparks retreats.
SPARKSCornet! What brings you here?
JACQUES CORNETOh. What’s new on the Rialto?
SPARKSIs anything ever truly new?
JACQUES CORNETSometimes the world wears a new cloak?
SPARKSIs everything fashion with you?
JACQUES CORNETWell, yes.
MRS. SPARKS (appearing)Who is this man, dear?
SPARKSNo one. (to us) Cornet is trying to get into my house for a spot of fornication with my wife.—Sorry, Cornet. We’re off to the ball. Then I forego all social calls for Lent.
Mr. and Mrs. Sparks go. Mardi Gras swirls around him.
JACQUES CORNETI freed him from his debt. How dare he disregard me? But what does Great Britain know? The home of Lord and Lady Harcourt.
Jacques Cornet whistles that whistle. LADY HARCOURT appears behind a wrought iron gate.
LADY HARCOURTJacques! It’s been days!
JACQUES CORNETBut now I’m here. I’ve come to clasp you naked in my longing arms, to taste your nimble tongue—We’ll explore all nooks and crannies with a detour to our fannies.
LADY HARCOURTI’m free! With the news my husband got today he won’t notice I’m away.
JACQUES CORNETWhat news?
LADY HARCOURTI was shocked. Aghast. It seems that France—the plan is vast!
JACQUES CORNETWhy would your husband have privileged information?
LADY HARCOURTMy husband spies for the crown. Can we meet after the ball?
JACQUES CORNET (to us)Harcourt spies for England? I can work with England. I’m more British than they. Could your husband send a message from me to the king?
Lord Harcourt appears. Lady Harcourt goes.
HARCOURTYou? Pay a social call?
JACQUES CORNETHarcourt! It was an enchantment seeing you earlier today. Hypothetical question. What would England do if, say, Napoleon took, say, Louisiana away from, say, Spain?
HARCOURTSpain give up this paradise? I don’t think you need worry your bewigged little perfumed head about that. I’d ask you in but my wife is very ugly.
JACQUES CORNETHarcourt! Could we meet man to man?
HARCOURT (to us)He just wants my wife.—Meet man to man? No!
Lord Harcourt goes. Jacques Cornet goes through the merrymakers looking for the men who were at his house earlier. Dorilante, Pythagore, Sparks, Harcourt, Alcibiade, appear, ignoring him.
JACQUES CORNETDorliante, it’s me! Alcibiade! I just need one moment. Just one minute. Just one moment. Just one minute.
THE MENSo sorry. Must run. So sorry. Can’t stop. So sorry. Godbye.
They shun him and go.
JACQUES CORNETYou think I want your wives? I’ve had your wives. You knot of mouth-friends! Henceforth, hated be! These men once groveled at my feet. A coded message arrives. They suddenly hold back. I need to play a role in this Hobbesian juggernaut called history. I need to know where I fit?
Jacques Cornet’s bedroom. Murmur and Dr. T appear.
JACQUES CORNETWhy won’t the men of this town answer my friendship?
DR. TFor starters, you don’t look the same as they do.
JACQUES CORNETI should hope not.
DR. TLook at your clothes.
MURMURLook at theirs. You’re the only parade in town.
JACQUES CORNETA good parade pleases everyone.
DR. TNot your kind of parade, brazenly trampling every bystander. If you want acceptance, purge yourself of all outward signs of foppery. The man of the nineteenth century no longer stands out. He dresses in black.
JACQUES CORNETThe color of Satan?
DR. T (snatching off Jacques’s peruke)And men now show their scalps.
JACQUES CORNET (putting the wig back on his head)Have men no modesty? Give this up? I’d as soon forfeit an arm or a leg or—
MURMUROr what?
JACQUES CORNETThe only scepter I allow to rule me.
DR. TNow that you mention it. Another motive for men’s alarm is that sea monster of yours lurking beneath the waves, waiting to attack their wives.
JACQUES CORNETWhat are you talking about?
DR. TThe arm of a five-year-old boy holding out an apple.
MURMURFlamingoes flying home and some guy’s wife being the nest.
JACQUES CORNETApples? Flamingoes?
DR. TJacques. Your endowments are legendary.
JACQUES CORNETThat? Don’t all men have one?
MURMUREvery country has a river but not all are the Mississippi.
JACQUES CORNETI am so alone in the world.
MURMURYou have us, boss.
JACQUES CORNETBut you have no power. They do. I merely want their faith.
DR. TFaith? Faith? Look at your wife, your women. You don’t know the first thing about faith.
JACQUES CORNETYou err, Dr. T. I never showed more faith then when my father was on his deathbed with his estate unsettled. I sat by his side. I flattered. I cajoled. I echoed his thoughts. His jokes were my jokes. His opinions mine. I became as his mirror. That faith bought me my freedom and my power.
MURMURIf you named me in your will, I’d be lapping your face.
JACQUES CORNETDon’t you now?
MURMURSure—but my teeth wouldn’t be gritted.
JACQUES CORNETAhh! The idea uncanny! Suppose I were to die and each man thought he were my sole heir?
MURMURDie?
JACQUES CORNETIf I unleashed word that I lingered in the neighborhood of death . . . and left a will. Yes! I will make every man in New Orleans think he is my sole heir. Yes! After a jealous husband shot me for seducing his wife and left me in the gutter like an empty champagne bottle. I’m about to hover in the shady land between life and death. (He pulls out pen and paper) My last will and testament: Being of sound mind but not of body, I leave all my worldly goods to . . . ta ta tah—ta ta ah! Fill in the names of Morales—Harcourt—Dorilante—Sparks. Find each man in private. Tell him not to share word of this largesse with any other man.
DR. TYou’ve gone mad.
JACQUES CORNETI’ve gone sane! I will rid myself of everything that puts a space between me and them. The name of my play is now A Free Man of Color or the Things We Do for Power.
Napoleon in military splendor appears, followed by Tallyrand.
TALLYRANDThe luck of Napoleon. The slave rebellion in Sante Domingue is there for your cover. You will sail your ships to the Indies merely to put down this tiresome rebellion. Mission accomplished in a few days. You sail up the Caribbean into the Gulf of Mexico. Possess New Orleans, the mouth of the Mississippi. The birth of Nouvelle France!
NAPOLEONNapoleona!
TALLYRANDThe name is immaterial. The money not.
NAPOLEONI can’t leave France now.
TALLYRANDThen send your brother-in-law to lead the fleet.
DR. TGeneral le Clerc, known by one and all, behind his back, as the Blond Bonaparte, bounces on.
GENEAL LE CLERC bounces on.
LE CLERCI sail wherever you say, Citizen Consul, except—
NAPOLEONYou hesitate?
LE CLERCMay I tell a secret, which in no way reflects upon my unchallenged manhood? Scorpions. I’m told in the Indies you step out of bed, scorpions wait.
Josephine appears.
JOSEPHINEIn Martinique, we placed the legs of the bed in pans of water so the scorpions could not crawl in. Pans of water from bed to toilet to desk. We hopped from pan to pan and quite loved the exercise. Pans of water and you’re safe.
LE CLERCHop? Hop? Hop? The West Indies will be such fun.
The French contingent goes. Enter Jefferson and Meriwether.
JEFFERSONInstruct Robert Livingston to get here! I’m sending him to France at once!
Meriwether brings on LIVINGSTON, who listens through an ear trumpet.
DR. TRobert Livingston appears. The scion of one of the richest, oldest families in the United States.
LIVINGSTONGo where?
JEFFERSONParis?
LIVINGSTONHarris?
JEFFERSONParis, France.
LIVINGSTONI’m Minister to France.
JEFFERSONI’m appointing you Minister Plenipotentiary!
LIVINGSTONPut me in a penitentiary?
JEFFERSONI’m giving you more powers!
LIVINGSTONFlowers?
JEFFERSON (in Livingston’s ear trumpet)You must stop France from taking New Orleans!
LIVINGSTONWhat about New Orleans?
Meriwether wheels in a blackboard with the words FRANCE NOW OWNS NEW ORLEANS written in large letters.
LIVINGSTONFrance now owns New Orleans! Never!
JEFFERSONGet New Orleans! I authorize you to spend up to two million dollars.
LIVINGSTONI don’t speak any French.
JEFFERSONMoney is the great translator.
The American contingent goes.
JACQUES CORNETMurmur, put out word that I have burned my wardrobe. You say men fear me with their wives? Dr. T, you will tell New Orleans that in checking my physique, post actus reus, you were shocked to find an absence.
MURMURThat? You’re talking about that?
JACQUES CORNETYes. A gunshot has removed the skeleton key that once fit all the locks of Louisiana. Now may I have, by the reputation of a eunuch, the privileges of one; and be trusted with information by the lords of the town. Murmur, bring me my pistol. (Murmur goes.) Doctor T, you’ll make the announcement? My conspiracy will need verification.
DR. THippocrates will reach down and slay me.
JACQUES CORNETHippocrates will applaud.
(Murmur returns with the pistol.) Murmur, do your job.
Murmur cocks the pistol and kneels. Dr. T holds up Jacques Cornet’s breeches.
JACQUES CORNET (cont.)Farewell, all senseless thoughts of remorse.
I would remove what e’er would stop my course.
Murmur shoots between the legs.
JACQUES CORNET (cont.)Oh, Murmur, say that the brigand took two shots.
Murmur shoots again. Dr. T holds up the silk breeches marred by two bullet wounds at the groin. Jacques Cornet is very pleased.
JACQUES CORNET (cont.)I am as that fiery star the sun.
I decree what plants will grow or not.
No man uproots me and plants me in his pot!
Born to myself, I like myself alone.
Murmur, bring my flaçon of eau de cologne.
The Haydn plays. Jacques Cornet, Murmur and Dr. T bow to us. Murmur draws the curtain closed.
ACT ONE CURTAIN
ACT TWO
The Ball. Music and dancing. The gun shot. Everyone stops. Then they resume dancing. The second gun shot. A moment of alarm. Then everyone returns to the spirit of the ball. Margery enters, costumed as a boy and carrying a mask.
MARGERY (to us)What a world of fine folks here is. But I don’t see the gentleman that loves me. I have got the Louisiana disease they call love. When I think of my husband, I have the inclination to vomit, but when I think of my dear mystery man, my hot fever comes, and I am in a fever indeed and need to be where he is. Oh sick sick. Where? There!
Margery throws herself at a masked man. It’s Pincepousse.
PINCEPOUSSEYou’ll not dance with any man. Tonight you’re a man.
MARGERYI’ll yet find the man who owns my soul.
Dr. T enters, carrying Jacques’ shot-up breeches.
DR. T (quiet, to Morales)Someone has shot Jacques Cornet.
MORALESIs he dead?
DR. TIn a manner of speaking.
MORALES (shock, then glee)Tell it to me again.
DR. TAnd I trust you to tell no one this humiliating event.
MORALESNo one. My oath.
DR. TNaturally, the news travels.
Morales runs to Pincepousse and whispers.
PINCEPOUSSEThank God!
HARCOURTI have an alibi!
ALCIBIADEI better have an alibi!
PINCEPOUSSEI don’t want an alibi.
CREUXIs no man safe in New Orleans?
DOÑA POLISSENAYou’re safe, dear. You’re safe.
DOÑA SMERELDAGod cannot be so cruel!
