by John Guare
MRS. SPARKSMy joy is amputated!
LADY HARCOURTI am buried alive!
DOÑA SMERALDASuicide!
MME DORILANTEMy life is over!
DOÑA SMERALDA (to Dr. T)There’s nothing you can do?
DR. T (showing her the breeches)The pistol’s aim was impeccable.
Doña Smeralda is inconsolable.
MORALESAnother jereboam of champagne!
THE MENLet’s toast!
ALCIBIADELet’s raise a statue to the man who did it.
PYTHAGORENo! Raise a statue to Cornet.
HARCOURTWill it be before or after his loss?
PYTHAGOREAfter! A great wind will blow through its lower portions!
HARCOURTHas he truly become a berdache?
SPARKSA what?
HARCOURTA berdache is a North American Indian transvestite. Let’s call Jacques Berdache!
DORILANTEBerdache! Berdache!
MORALES (to Pincepousse)Nova Spania lives! Get Jacques’ money before it’s too late.
PINCEPOUSSE (nodding)Where is Margery? Margery!
Pincepousse finds Margery and drags her out. Murmur enters, carrying a number of wills.
DR. TMurmur arrives. He takes each of the husbands aside.
MURMUR (to each, separately distributing the wills)Supreme Intendante.
Mr. Sparks.
Monsieur Dorilante.
Harcourt.
Read the final wishes from the pen of a dying man.
MORALES (reads)A last will and testament? Good god!
DORILANTE (reads)I am his sole heir!
SPARKS (reads)He leaves me everything?
HARCOURT (reads)His fortune comes to me?
MURMURThe wax is warm yet and the ink scarce dry upon the parchment.
SPARKSBy what good chance, sweet Murmur?
DORILANTEWhy would heaven befriend me?
HARCOURTAre you sure?
MURMURYour dessert, sir; I know no second cause.
I oft have heard Jacques say, how he admired You.
You.
You.
You.
So wise, so grave; when every word
your worship but lets fall, is a pearl of great price.
MORALES’Tis true.
SPARKSHe sees me as I am.
DORILANTEI loved the man!
HARCOURTHow much money does Jacques Cornet have?
MURMUREnough to sink a sloop.
HARCOURTOr let one sail. How can I be of service while he lives?
DORILANTEHow may I show my gratitude before death snatches him away?
SPARKS—let the man know I loved him?
MORALES—give comfort in his last hours?
MURMURMy master has heard of Nova Spania and would like to play a part in it—if he lives.
MORALESHow did he know about Nova Spania?
MURMURHis half-brother?
MORALESOf course! That dolt. I must not let Pincepousse know I am the sole heir to Jacques Cornet. Tell Jacques he won’t miss the love business. Very overrated.
MURMUR (to Sparks)All my dying master wants in return is to become a friend of Thomas Jefferson! Supreme Councilor of Democracy!
SPARKSA goodly title if posthumous. I shall arrange that.
HARCOURT (to Murmur)Tell your master King George would be proud to count him as an ally and give him an honor. Knight of the Silver Stick? Yes, I love it.
MURMURAnd tell no other man this news.
MORALESNo one.
SPARKSNo one.
HARCOURTNo one.
DORILANTENo one. Jacques Cornet
HARCOURTshall be an integral part
SPARKSof the future of
MORALES/SPARKS/DORILANTE/HARCOURTNew Orleans!
SPARKSLook! What’s that fire!
DORILANTEMurmur, a fire rages outside your master’s window!
MURMURNo worry. My master is simply burning his entire wardrobe and dressing in black. His last words to me were “oh men of New Orleans, how beautiful to dress as they do!”
HARCOURTI knew he’d come to his senses.
THE MENBerdache! Berdache!
The men cackle triumphantly and go.
Jacques Cornet’s bedroom, filled with flowers. Jacques Cornet, Murmur, and Dr. T enter, laughing.
JACQUES CORNETIsn’t it the most wondrous fun? Do tell me again Murmur, and pour that champagne.
MURMUR (as they drink)Morales said this love business is overrated.
JACQUES CORNETAt least by the impotent.
MURMURAnd look at the flowers you’ve received!
“From your best friend.”
DR. T“I have written to Napoleon”
MURMUR“To the people of Nova Spania”
DR. T“To Jefferson”
MURMUR“From one who adores you”
JACQUES CORNETAre these from the wives or the husbands?
A sudden knock at the door, alarming Jacques Cornet and Dr. T.
MURMURI have told everyone you may receive no visitors. (to the door) Whom that?
Pincepousse appears in the antechamber with a cranky Margery.
PINCEPOUSSE (to Murmur)I wish to talk to my brother and reconcile with him before he dies. I know he’s in there! Jacques Cornet and Dr. T burst into laughter.
DR. TGet into bed! Remember the part you have chosen. I must go now and make my reports.
JACQUES CORNETWhat state am I in?
DR. TFeverish.
JACQUES CORNET (getting into bed )I can do that.
Dr. T goes into the antechamber.
PINCEPOUSSEDoctor Toutou, are you going to prepare the funeral?
DR. THe’s hanging on by a silken thread.
MARGERYI don’t want to see any man who’s had his whoosiz shot off.
PINCEPOUSSEYou wait outside!
MARGERYI don’t want to wait outside!
PINCEPOUSSEWhat will I do with her?
DR. TTake her in with you. Every man in New Orleans is safe.
JACQUES CORNETMy half-brother is the only man who offers me nothing. But his country wife is another matter.
Pincepousse and Margery come quietly into the “sick” room.
JACQUES CORNET (cont.) (in a daze)Dies iræ, dies illa, dies calamitatis et miseriæ.
Murmur swings incense and joins in the dirge in a jazzy riff. Murmur exits as Pincepousse goes to Jacques Cornet’s bedside.
PINCEPOUSSEI hate him so I am paralyzed. First of all, let me be brief. The subject is money.
JACQUES CORNETYou’re giving me money? How dear.
PINCEPOUSSENo!
MARGERY (to us)But that’s the man for who it is I search! He’s the one the bullet found? My luck to find my dream the day he lost his luck.
JACQUES CORNETPrithee, who is this pretty young gentleman? Come closer.
PINCEPOUSSEDon’t move! I possess a most magnificent map that will reveal the passage to the west—But it comes at a price.
JACQUES CORNETNo more maps. I’m staying home and doing needlepoint. (to Margery) Are you the wife forced to wear your brother’s clothes or are you the brother forced to wear your sister’s? What a complicated family life you lead. Come closer.
PINCEPOUSSEGo to him. Don’t dilly–dally. Tell him you want money.
Margery reluctantly goes to his bedside.
MARGERY (by rote)I’m very sorry for the event what has befallen—
Jacques puts her hand under the sheets.
MARGERY (after a moment)Oh! ’tis like being at sea for many days and you’re sure there’s nothing there until one day a sailor in the crow’s nest cries out “Land Ho!” Land Ho!!
JACQUES CORNETSince I’d never kiss a lad, would you give the bride your sister this humble kiss from me?
PINCEPOUSSEHurry—get it over with—Now about the money for the map—(Margery kisses Jacques over and over. Jacques returns the favor.) May ten thousand ulcers gnaw away their lips! How she gazes on him! (pulls her away) (to Jacques) Sir, I need money—
JACQUES CORNETMethinks he is so han
dsome he should not be a man. Are you sure you’re a man?
PINCEPOUSSE (twisting her arm)Tell him you’re a man. Say it! say it!
MARGERYI am no woman. (whispers) I am! I am!
JACQUES CORNETAnd tell your husband I am no man.
MARGERYHe’s not. He’s not.—You are! You are!
PINCEPOUSSEBrother to brother, will you give me the money?
JACQUES CORNETHave you heard word of Napoleon and New Orleans?
PINCEPOUSSEWhat a ridiculous thought.
JACQUES CORNETLiar. His wife will tell me what he knows.—Murmur, as Cain said to Abel, get me my bag of walking around money. (Murmur goes) Too many visitors. I need air. Pray leave me your wife’s brother whilst Murmur gets your gold?
PINCEPOUSSEBe a good boy!
Pincepousse runs out. Margery jumps into bed.
MARGERYThey told me you were beautiful but they didn’t tell me you were this beautiful.
They go under the covers. Dr. T appears.
DR. TMeanwhile, Livingston in Paris has a much harder time trying to meet Napoleon.
Enter Livingston.
LIVINGSTONHas Spain given you Louisiana?
Talleyrand appears.
TALLYRANDI hope such lavish rumors haven’t sent you across the sea?
LIVINGSTON—Liar.
TALLYRANDYour French is execrable.
Exit Talleyrand.
LIVINGSTONI will not leave this spot till I speak to Napoleon!
Livingston goes. Enter Jefferson, Meriwether, Toussaint, and Le Clerc.
DR. TAt the same time, Washington, D.C., and Santo Domingo both find themselves in turmoil.
MERIWETHERSir! Napoleon’s fleet has anchored at the eastern end of Santo Domingo.
TOUSSAINTI’ve never seen so large a fleet before.
LE CLERCWe arrive. We wait. We prepare.
MERIWETHER (over Le Clerc’s lines)Le Clerc’s forces amount to sixty ships and more than thirty thousand men.
TOUSSAINTWhy are they here?
MERIWETHERIs this war?
LECLERCWe arrive. We wait. We prepare.
We arrive. We wait. We prepare
TOUSSAINTIt cannot be war.
JEFFERSONNot yet.
TOUSSAINTYet all France has come to Sante Domingue.
LE CLERCWe arrive. We wait. We prepare.
We arrive. We wait. We prepare.
We arrive. We wait. We prepare.
JEFFERSONHave we sent the ships bearing food and ammunition to the Negroes of Santo Domingo?
MERIWETHERThey are in mid–voyage.
LE CLERCWe attack Sante Domingue by land and by sea! Everything yields to French valor.
TOUSSAINTFrance has deceived us. She comes to take revenge and enslave the blacks. We will not perish! Set the city of Fort Dauphin a fire!
LE CLERCAt the sight of the flames, we slaughter as many Negroes as we capture, treating them all as revolters.
TOUSSAINTThe bay of Mancenille is stained with the blood of unarmed blacks. We raise an ocean of flame and tease the tide of fire to Port au Prince. The United States has promised to send us ammunition and food! We will triumph! Victory or death for freedom!
Exit Toussaint.
LE CLERCA scorpion! Put down pans of water. I walk from pan to pan.
Le Clerc goes. Jacques’ bedroom.
MARGERYDo it again!
JACQUES CORNETThis will be our little secret.
MARGERYIt’s an enormous secret!
JACQUES CORNETTell me what Pincepousse is up to? What have you heard about this new Spain?
MARGERYHuh?
JACQUESWhat does he talk to you about?
MARGERYNothin’! I am with you forever and ever, never to leave your side. Again!
JACQUES CORNETYou know nothing?
MARGERYOne thing! That I love you.
JACQUES CORNETIt’s been lovely to meet you. Let Murmur show you the door. Murmur?
MARGERYI’m not leaving! I’m never going back to Pincepousse again.
Pincepousse enters and sees Margery, half dressed.
PINCEPOUSSEYou. Him. It. Bed.(rubbing his forehead ) We’re not staying here. Margery means more to me. I take my beloved back home to my plantation. I leave the plot of this play. Goodbye. Say goodbye.
JACQUES CORNETAdieu.
MARGERYNo! I’m not leaving. No!
Pincepousse drags Margery off.
Toussaint enters.
TOUSSAINTI search the horizon! I look for ships of salvation! Yes! America will honor our request!
Jefferson and Meriwether enter.
MERIWETHERI can’t believe what you’re saying—
JEFFERSONStop the delivery of supplies to Santo Domingo.
MERIWETHERYou can’t renege on a promise to feed and arm Santo Domingo!
JEFFERSONOrder the ships to return to their American port.
MERIWETHERI refuse.
JEFFERSONDo it. We can’t allow the cannibal government of Santo Domingo to offend glorious France.
MERIWETHERBut you said Toussaint’s a legitimate government.
JEFFERSONWe don’t offend France, not when we want New Orleans. We must have New Orleans. Exercise some pragmatism. Order our ships to return.
MERIWETHERBut sir, you’re an example to the world.
JEFFERSONThank you, Meriwether. I treasure your support. Now for some lunch. Fanny? Is the ice cream ready? I am starving.
Exit Jefferson.
MERIWETHERBut sir, you said—Please release me from these duties.
Meriwether goes.
TOUSSAINTWhy are the American ships turning back? No! Mr Jefferson! Your promise! From the head of one government to another, I implore you—Rise up, Lord God! Raise your arm! Do not forget us. My people are starving.
Toussaint goes.
Jacques Cornet’s bedroom. Dr. T appears. Jacques is in bed.
JACQUES CORNETLent is finally over. How long must I stay on my deathbed?
DR. T (to us)As Santo Domingo burns and Jefferson breaks promises, Jacques Cornet lies in agony in his former bed of pleasure.
JACQUES CORNETIt’s been forty days since I last worshipped at the altar of my chosen god?
DR. TYou must be patient. Your God will understand your neglect.
JACQUES CORNETBut not my martyrdom. It’s Easter Sunday. One quick holiday visit to the girls of Madame Mandragola?
DR. TNo! Their gossip would burst the mask of your pretence.
JACQUES CORNETI am bursting!
DR. TThen travel to another continent to burst.
JACQUES CORNETMay I get some air?
DR. TOnly in heavy disguise. And avoid all your heirs. Happy Easter.
JACQUESMurmur!
Murmur appears. Jacques and Murmur go out into the town.
MURMURThe coast is clear, boss.
JACQUES CORNETA day of beauty. Smell the air. It contains a woman.
Jacques, looking in a window, sees Doña Polissena peering through her microscope.
DOÑA POLISSENADieu! Thou fluttering thing.
JACQUES CORNETBehold the morsel with the microscope.
DOÑA POLISSENASo now, I’ve fixed it.
JACQUES CORNETPerhaps I might insure her silence.
MURMURBoss, don’t play with fire.
JACQUES CORNETStand guard. Jacques Cornet enters her laboratory as Doña Polissena puts an insect under her microscope.
JACQUES CORNETAllow me to introduce myself to you? Jacques Cornet, New Orleans.
DOÑA POLISSSENAYou’ve recovered from your death?—I’m not interested in a eunuch. One near–eunuch in a household is enough. Excuse me. I find my only solace in science.
JACQUES CORNET (inhaling her hair)May I ask what you’re looking for?
DOÑA POLISSENA (at her microscope)The cause of yellow fever. Look—a mosquito was trapped in this letter sent to me from Sante Domingue—the aedes aegypti—see the female’s white markings—( Jacques Cornet stands behind her, inhaling her hair) Oh! What are you doing?
JACQUES C
ORNETSuddenly, in the presence of you, fair virgin of science, we enter an age of restoration. Lent is over. (He flings away his cape.) Easter morning arrives. He is arisen.
DOÑA POLISSENAM. Cornet! Come, come here, look through this glass, and see how the blood circulates in the tail of this fish.
JACQUES CORNET (undoing her shoulder strap)But it circulates prettier in this fair neck.
DOÑA POLISSENA (becoming aroused by his nuzzling of her neck)Ad domos autem ad quotcumque ivero, ibo ad utilitatem eorum.
JACQUES CORNETWhat love potion are you casting?
DOÑA POLISSENAIt is merely the oath of Hippocrates: “Whatever houses I may visit, I will come for the benefit of the sick, and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons, be they free or slaves.” I find Hippocrates very stimulating to my circulation. Ba-doum Ba-doum. Bad-doum.
JACQUES CORNET (undoing her shoulder strap)You have not loved enough. Your eyes would sparkle and spread. This hand, when touched by him you love, would tremble to your heart. (He unbuttons her chemise.)
DOÑA POLISSENAPrimum non nocere.
JACQUES CORNETYes?
DOÑA POLISSENAA Latin phrase that means “First, do no harm.”
Her dress falls to the ground.
JACQUES CORNETTell me more about yellow fever. Jacques Cornet leads her to her bed. Dr. T appears and draws a curtain around them.
DR. TLet us draw a curtain as our hero puts Mme. Creux under his microscope. Talk of yellow fever makes me think of Santo Domingo.
Napoleon and Le Clerc appear.
NAPOLEONIs the light from the star of Napoleon to be outshone by a fiery meteor of a Negro? I order you to arrest Toussaint!
LE CLERCWhich we ultimately do. Toussaint enters in chains.
TOUSSAINTWhat bitter irony that hurls my heart to this prison where I must pray to you, the God of the white race, those ferocious tyrants who have always insulted us, you are their God. They took away our gods and forced you on us. To whom else can I now pray? I beg you to destroy their system. As the locusts and boils and plagues that beset Egypt did prove your existence to the chosen people, so the yellow fever makes me believe in you. Because Christ chose the cross, he will love the misery you inflict on the whites.
Toussaint goes. Le Clerc hops from pan to pan of water.
LE CLERCThree thousand men are dead. We lay corpses out in the barracks yards until they can be carried to lime pits.
NAPOLEONWhat is this yellow fever?
GHOSTS appear.
VOICES OF SANTO DOMINGOThe disorder begins in the brain accompanied by fever.
Devouring its victim with burning thirst.
