Not Afraid to Love You (Ink Series - Spin Off Book 1)

by Jude Ouvrard

  “Go home, Lilly. I’ll take care of Sugar.”

  She pats her dog before heading back home. Lilly has built a fortress around her that’s so strong she no longer knows how to live outside it. I put Sugar down and walk her for a couple of minutes, letting her do her thing. It will give Lilly a chance to calm down. She needs it.

  I’m working tomorrow at five in the morning, I would love if we could clear the air a bit and end the night on a good note. Forcing her to agree to what I want isn’t my goal but making sure we’re friends and all is good, well that is important to me.

  Twenty minutes later, I enter her apartment and let Sugar down. “Sugar’s here. I’ll be downstairs.”

  “Wait. Are you hungry?” She smiles and even though her eyes are puffy and red, she is so very beautiful.

  “Yeah, I kind of am.” I don’t think eating out is an option and I’m out of food. “Do you want to order something? Pizza, Chinese?”

  “I would love a fattening pizza with tons of cheese and pepperoni.” She chuckles shyly.

  “Sounds good to me. My place or yours?”

  She shrugs. “Yours.”

  “Come.” She walks past me, Sugar following her down the stairs. She waits for me to open the door of my apartment. “Go ahead, Lilly. Make yourself at home.”

  Once I’m inside, I order two medium pizzas from my favorite restaurant. Sadly, they recognize me right away and call me by my name. I think it’s time I cut back on the pizza.

  “I’m sorry about earlier.” She gurgles mortified. “I lost it and everyone around us heard me.”

  So what?

  Giving her some space would be the smart thing to do but apparently, I can’t do smart things when I’m near her so I wrap my arms around her and hold her tightly to me.

  “I’m not asking you for a promise or an engagement. I’m just asking you to give me a chance to show you what it could be like and don’t worry about those people, it wasn’t that loud.” I’m lying and she knows it.

  “You’re a terrible liar.”

  “Nah, I’m just playing with you.” I give her my best smile, still trying to make up for earlier. "Let's not wait for the food standing here doing nothing. Do you want to sit? I can put a movie on? If you want..." I’m really not used to this. The dating scene is never easy for me. Be yourself, I keep repeating to myself. Even if I’m comfortable with her, it doesn’t help because I want everything to be perfect. I want to heal her scars.

  "Why don't we just sit, listen to music and talk." She pauses. "It seems like you know everything about me but I know nothing about you."

  She has a point. Since her return, I’ve learnt so much about her life and I don’t remember sharing anything with her.

  "You're right but it doesn't feel like we're strangers to me." I turn the music volume down with my controller and bring my eyes back to her. She’s stunning.

  "When I left Spokane, I moved to Seattle with my parents but you probably know that already. My dad transferred there and I applied to join the academy to become a police officer and got in. After I graduated, I started working really hard and barely had time to hang out and have fun. My only friend was my partner, he took a bullet one night, and we never worked together again. He can only work in the office now. He’s in a wheelchair. The bullet did irreparable damage and I'll always hate myself for not being in the right place at the right time. After the accident, I started working with an older officer who ended up retiring. I missed Spokane and your brother so I finally decided to move back here."

  "When did you move back?"

  Was this an interview or what?

  "Two months before you left." She pauses, and looks at me as if she is wondering why she didn’t see me before leaving.

  "No girlfriend, engagement, wedding or divorce?" She asks not showing any emotion, smile or embarrassment. I think she’s trying to understand why I’m interested and where I come from.

  "In Seattle, I dated a couple of girls but I think they liked the idea of dating a man in uniform more than the idea of dating me. It’s black or white, they love police officers or they don't. I love my job, trust me, but I would rather have a woman in my life who loves me more than what I do for a living. It never made sense to me.”

  “You’re thirty years old and you’ve never been in a serious relationship?” She closes her eyes. “Forget what I just said. It’s none of my business. I’m just trying to understand why you want me.”

  I might have flushed just a bit at this point. Her questions are very personal but I don’t mind answering her if it means that she’ll trust me. More.

  “I had a girlfriend for over two years but it wasn’t going anywhere and I decided to leave Seattle so I broke up with her.”

  “Okay. Fair enough.”

  I hear the delivery guy parking his car in the driveway.

  “Hold on, the pizza’s here.” I grab my wallet from the kitchen table and hurry to the front door. If my stomach keeps growling like this, she’ll think I’m some kind of werewolf.

  I pay him and he hands over the pizza boxes.

  “Keep the change.”

  Hurrying to her side again, I place the box on the small table. The smell of the melted cheese is driving me crazy.

  “Let me get some plates.”

  “No, no… don’t worry about it. Let’s just eat like we used to, back in the day.”

  “You remember that?”

  Her eyes shimmer. “Of course, I do.”

  “Your mom used to get so mad at Matt and me when we brought home a pizza after school.” We both laugh. “It never stopped us from eating dinner, we were animals. I’m surprised you remember those days. You were what, fourteen or fifteen.”

  “Yeah, and I was madly in love with you.” She blushes but at the same time, I see pain in her eyes.

  Watching how broken she is, from my point of view, is extremely hard to witness. The Lilly-Rose I used to know smiled all the time, her laughter would resonate throughout their family home. Yes, she was young at the time but so much happened. If she could see herself with my eyes, she would see how strong she is. I wonder if she will ever let her past become her past. Have faith.

  “Why are you laughing and hurting at the same time?”

  “Because at that time, I didn’t know what comes with love. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to love again.” Her lips tremble and now I feel like a dick.

  “I’m sorry. I don’t want you to hurt right now. We should try to have a good time. I’ll say this though, before we start eating. You’ll love again if you let your heart free from its cage.”

  Her back leans on the couch while she scrubs her face. “I don’t know how you can keep saying things like this to me. Where do you get all those lines?” A tear locks at the corner of her eye.

  “With you, it’s easy. I want to free you from everything that’s hurting. Come here.” I tell her and wait with open arms.

  “What do you want, Lennox Love?” There’s so many different meanings to that question.

  “What I want? Now, I just want to hold you for a minute or two.” Scaring her with my plans of the future isn’t a good idea.

  I like her, I really like her and I know this could transform into love sooner rather than later. On my side, anyway. With my fingers and toes crossed, I hope she will allow herself to feel again.

  Slowly, she moves to my side with a reddish glare to her cheeks. She gets even closer than I thought possible. Her head’s relaxing on my chest and her small hand a few inches below. Pulling her legs over mine, she completely wraps around me. What I feel is beyond amazing. Ill cherish every second of it.

  “See? I’m comfortable after all…” I laugh.

  She turns her face toward my chest, even though she is hiding, I can hear her quiet laughter and her arm holding on to me with more strength.

  “You’re like a giant Teddy Bear, so comfy.” She lifts her eyes to look at me but I focus on the growing smile that illuminates her face. “But
you’re also hungry like a bear. Your stomach won’t stop growling.”

  “Don’t move, sweetheart, I need more of this.” She listens to me. We stay like this, cuddling, for more than two minutes. My arms have her pressing against me. Even Sugar joins us and I’m really starting to enjoy her furry baby. Lost in the moment, I feel drunk on the feeling of her so close to me and I kiss her forehead. Not just once but twice. I don’t regret it, I never will but she loosens her hold on me and I don’t want her to go.

  “We should eat, hungry bear, before you put your claws on me.”

  With that, I flip her over, groan like a bear and find the skin on her neck ready to bite or nibble but I feel her go rigid. Shit. Instead, I give her a kiss and she relaxes again.

  “You don’t have to be scared with me, sweetheart.”

  “I’m starting to believe that, Lennox.”

  Sitting back on the couch, she’s still holding on tight and I’m breathing hard. I understand that us won’t be easy, not like a normal relationship but if she is starting to believe in me, I’m good with that. Cupping her face with my hand, she bites on her lip before moving away from me. She needs space and to find her own safety again. I should know about that as a police officer. I’ve seen so many hurt women, or kids. Some frightened, some angry. Lilly’s fears toward me are less traumatic than those kids I’ve seen. She opens the pizza box and gives me a slice of pizza. There is a huge layer of cheese. Jesus Christ! I’ll have to hit the gym after that.

  “Eat now before you get out of hand.” She jokes and I know she’s okay. I’m relieved.

  We eat and talk about our memories as well as discuss what we’ve done with our lives. She tells me how much she loves bungee jumping. She hasn’t jumped in over three years but would love to do it again. Maybe I should try.

  “There is something I’ve been thinking about… I think I want to get a tattoo.”

  “Oh, really? I didn’t take you for the type of girl who would like to get some ink done.”

  “Who says I don’t already have one.” She dares.

  I frown thinking about when I saw her almost naked. There was no tattoo. At least I don’t remember seeing one. Now I’m more than curious.

  “Where is it?”

  “I think you ask too many questions, Mr. Love. Do you have one?” At least, I’m not the only curious one around here.

  “I have more than one.” She gasps and I start laughing. “I made friends with the owner of a tattoo shop in Seattle. They’re really good. I would suggest you to contact them if you are serious about your new ink.”

  “A tattooed sergeant and you think girls are after you only because of the uniform. Wake up, sleepy bear. Hibernation is over!” Her giggles are so loud that Sugar starts barking.

  All I think about as I’m watching her is how gorgeous she is when her mind focuses on the present. I’ll win this fight. The one where I’m fighting against her nightmares and trying to knock them out.

  I swear I will.

  CHAPTER NINE

  Too good to be true

  “I know Idon’t really have a long walk home but I’m working early tomorrow so I really should head to bed.”

  He groans. My guess is that he doesn’t want me to leave and to be honest, I’m not sure I want to go, either. I’ve enjoyed our evening together, it’s refreshing and Lennox is very nice to look at.

  “I have to be up early too, I’m on early shift for the next five days.” He stretches his legs and arms making his shirt pull up, I’m trying not to look but I see part of a tattoo on his side, under his rib. Interesting and now, I’m curious. Maybe, a tiny part of me wishes to see more. Just maybe.

  “Thanks for everything, I had a good night.” I really did and I’m thinking that I would love to do it again.

  “Does that mean you want to do it again or does it mean thanks it was good but it’s not gonna happen again?” He’s talking to me but he’s keeping his eyes on Sugar. Petting her under the chin, she loves it.

  “It means you have to ask me out again.” My voice comes out as a whisper. “Give me back my dog now, I have to take her outside before going to bed.”

  Sighing in defeat, I think he might have groaned too. “I’ll go with you, it’s late. Therefore, not safe.”

  Walking me to the door, his hand touches the small of my back. Once outside, he leads the way to his backyard.

  “Come here with Sugar, instead of walking on the sidewalk. At least here, she can run and there’s no danger for both of you.”

  “You won’t mind?”

  “Absolutely not.” He says before enveloping me into his arms. It feels good to have his warmth around me. The night has lost a couple of degrees which makes him even more appreciated. A wave of shivers runs down my back straightening the hairs on my arms.

  “Thank you.” I’m very happy that I decided to move here.

  We are both watching Sugar running about like a mad lady. She seems to have fun and it makes me laugh out loud.

  “She used to run a lot more when I was living in Seattle. We had a nice yard.”

  “One more reason for you to come here.”

  “I agree. Thank you again, for everything.”

  Squeezing me in his arms. “You are welcome, Lilly, and you better get used to it.”

  “Slowly getting there.”

  Still lost in his arms, I’m asking myself what I’m doing here. I’m not sure but Lennox is becoming an important part of my life. He’s the only person, apart from family, with whom I have spent time with in the past month. While we kept things simple, I’ve had an amazing time.

  “Come on, baby girl, we have to go inside. Sugar!” Running toward us, I don’t know what to do. Should I move or not? I’m not sure I want to get away from Lennox and his strong arms. Finally, he moves one arm to my shoulder and he leads the way to his apartment. This time, he guides me through the door located on the back patio. We’re in his apartment again. While I like his presence, I know I have to get some sleep and it seems like it won’t be any time soon.

  “Do you have any plans for tomorrow?” His voice is barely audible, lost in a yawn.

  I chuckle. “Sleepy bear, I think you should go to bed. I don’t have plans tomorrow.” Surprising myself, I hug him tight, breathing him in and feeling his broad shoulders in my arms. “I have to go upstairs now.” Neither of us willing to move, I finally pull away when I feel his lips on my temple.

  “Sugar, come.”

  “Alright, good night, sweetheart.” He rubs my backside and it feels to me like he doesn’t want to let go.

  “Good night, bear.” I wave him goodbye. This is just weird.

  “Lock your door.”

  I chuckle. “Yes, Sergeant.” He was clearly unaware that locking my door became one of my obsessions as soon as I left Dave. I always double-check all of my doors and windows before I go to bed. I even lock the door of my bedroom, sometimes. There are days where I feel like Dave’s going to find me or that he’s been looking at me. Those days, I lock every possible lock in my apartment and I keep the lights off as much as possible. Since I moved here, there are nights where I can barely keep my eyes closed. Now, I’m better but that fear is still in me.

  “I’m serious.”

  He watches me walking up the stairs with Sugar. Once I reach the top, he’s the one waving at me. Inside, I give Sugar her food and water before I quickly undress and get under my bed covers.

  Lying in bed, all I can think about is the fact that Lennox’s bedroom is right under mine. It’s exciting but also mortifying. I really don’t know what to think about today. First, I thought he wanted to kick me out but now, I realize he was only trying to give me some space. I’m guessing he won’t want to give me space at all from now on. Tonight, I liked what we shared. If only the smile on my face could go away. Seriously, everything about tonight went perfectly but I’m not ready to take the next step yet. It’s too soon. I hope he’ll understand.

  Two weeks later…


  After a double shift at the diner, all I want is a warm bath with a sweet coffee and some chocolate. I’ll eat real food later. This is my relaxing time—my moment in the day after running around all over the place. Zoe has stomach flu and Mrs. Layton is out of town so I worked with another waitress, Lyssa. It was our first time working together. We got along great but with this headache pulsating on my skull, I wasn’t really in a cheery mood.

  Sugar is calmly eating a toy of hers next to the bath on my purple carpet.

  My headache is finally easing, as I lie here relaxing in my hot bath. The two pain meds I took might have something to do with that too. This is good. As soon as the water begins to cool, I add some more hot. My plan is to stay here for a while. Of course, this is nothing like the therapeutic bath I had in Seattle. Dave had installed it himself. It was better than chocolate and coffee combined. Only one of the very few things I miss about that house and Dave is definitely not one of them.

  Of course, when I’m about to pass out, Sugar starts barking and I can hear someone knocking on the front door. “Lilly, are you there?” Lennox asks.

  Laughing and blushing, I yell. “I’m in the tub. Come in.”

  “Are you sure?”

  I hesitate for a few seconds. There were enough bubbles to hide most of my body. ”Yes.”

  I can hear him play with his keys before unlocking the door and walking in the apartment. “I got dinner. I hope you’re hungry.”

  “I had planned on feeding on chocolate and coffee, what do you have to compete with that?”

  He laughs. “Why don’t you get out of the bath and come see for yourself?”

  It takes all of my energy to get out of the tub. Yes, I’m that tired. Enveloping my exhausted body in a towel, I exit the bathroom to get my clothes from my room. Showing myself off like this, makes me shy but maybe a tiny part of me is thrilled too.