by Jude Ouvrard
Minutes later, we are entering Abbey and Logan’s apartment. Sugar follows as if this is normal life. She’s probably used to moving around town, unlike me, I am just tired of it.
“Food.” I give Abbey the bag of food while I go to the guest room and drop off my stuff. I can’t believe I’m back here. Sitting on the queen bed, I’m asking myself if I should have fought harder. Yes, I should have but what else could I do? I tried everything. From forcing him to eat, shower and sleep to suggesting he meet with a therapist. He needs help that is beyond what I can give him and that sucks terribly. I’m not superwoman. I’m just Lilly and it’s not enough.
“Lilly. Get over here. Time to eat.”
My appetite has disappeared. It’s gone far and away with Lennox. I can’t believe he asked me to leave. Dave took him away. Not only did he have to ruin my life, he had to ruin the best thing that ever happened to me.
What did I do to be so unlucky in life? Constantly, destiny is pushing me deeper and deeper. I think this time, my faith and hope are completely gone. Losing Lennox is the most excruciating feeling I have ever felt in my life.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Demon living within
“Leave me alone.” I tell Lilly as she is walking away but I honestly don’t think she hears me. In my heart, I want to tell her to stay. I’m miserable now, what am I going to do without her? I want to yell at her and tell her not to leave me but I don’t. There is something holding me back and I can’t reach for her. She deserves better and I ache that I’m not that person anymore.
This fucking shed. I can’t stop staring at it and thinking about him and what he was going to do to her.
What was he planning when he got her here?
Rape her?
Kill her?
Why the fuck would he come here, on my property and try to take my girl?
I… I… He’s dead, I shot him. The images of my gun pointing at his chest whizz round my head. It’s like a recurring nightmare and I can’t break free.
We are only a few feet away from each other. I’ve no protection, no bulletproof vest, nothing, so I have to be even more careful.
“Drop the gun,” I order him and he starts laughing.
The images are playing in my head as if I’m reliving them.
“Drop the gun, now.” I order a second time but he’s not moving and he has a smug smile on his fucking face. He points his gun at me. “Drop the gun now or I’ll shoot you.” He laughs again so I shoot him. Just one bullet, right through his fucking cold as fuck heart and he falls to the ground instantly, blood pumping out his chest. He winces for a matter of seconds and then silence. He’s dead and I killed him, the sensation in my body is paralyzing me. What the hell just happened?
I killed him. I killed a man. Me. I pulled the trigger and shot him. The sound of that shot resonates in my mind and I start hammering the shed. I can’t stop until I destroy every piece.
“Don’t come here and hurt what’s mine. Don’t come here and try killing the woman I love.” With every hit of the hammer, I’m shouting unconsciously at the shed as if it’s him. He’s destroyed everything and I want to kill him all over again. I don’t want to feel this hurt, pain and anger anymore, I just want it to all go away.
I keep hitting the wood and aluminum shed even though both arms are hurting and cramp is setting in. I can see Abbey watching me from the side of the house but she leaves quickly and runs back to the front house. Seconds later, I hear her car start and she leaves.
Lilly left me. She’s gone. I can already feel the void, the emptiness in my heart.
Upset and broken, I keep beating down the damn shed, kicking it with my feet in the hope that it falls down faster. Apart from hurting my feet, it’s not helping at all.
I watched Lilly for an hour this morning when she was sleeping. My eyes stayed on her all through the sunrise as I held Sugar in my arms. Whenever I fall asleep, the nightmares start and I dream that I kill Lilly and not Dave, almost instantly I wake up again. I’m so tired but too scared to sleep and face that nightmare again.
The first days after the killing of Mr. Asshole, Lilly tried talking to me with her pad. She wrote the equivalent of a novella on that thing. I took care of her and made sure she wasn’t in any kind of pain but the nights and days started to look the same. My appetite has gone along with that joy or spark for life. Everything seems dark and black.
As soon as my eyes shut, it’s like a world war has started inside my head. So much anger, distress that I can’t deal with anymore. It’s impossible and I no longer have the will to fight against it. I’m falling into that black hole and doing nothing to stop it.
“Are you done now, Lennox?”
I hear a voice coming from behind me but I don’t give a shit. I’ve been good at ignoring people lately, so I just keep hammering the fucking shed.
“Lennox,” he says my name louder this time.
Irritated, I turn around and stare at Logan.
“What do you want?”
“What the hell are you doing to that poor thing?”
I laugh. Is he blind or what?
“What does it look like I’m doing?”
“You look like someone who’s trying to fight against inner demons,” he says as if he can read my mind.
“You’re wrong. You can go back to where you came from. I’m perfectly okay.”
I just want to be alone. Why is that so hard for people to understand?
“No, man, you’re not fine. You just told the girl you love to leave. That’s a big red flag to me and tells me that you’re not doing too well. What is it? The sound of the shotgun repeatedly going off in your head? The images of his dead body, maybe? Probably nightmares too, huh? Yeah, I know exactly what’s going on in your head, you can’t fool me so don’t bother trying to lie to me and don’t disrespect me.”
"Or what?" I say looking at him, eye to eye. "What are you going to do if I don't listen to you, soldier boy?"
I dare him to boss me around.
"You're going to lose everything you have. You already lost your girl, she's gone. She packed her things and is already on her way to my house. Do you think you'll be able to work with your mind playing tricks on you, switching back and forth between memories and reality? What about your friend? He is worried sick about you. They won't care about you indefinitely if you keep acting the way you are. You will lose everyone and everything you ever cared about and that cared about you. Is that what you want?" He pauses to see what I have to say but I stay silent. "Honestly, I don't give a fuck about you, I could leave you here to rot in your own version of hell and get on with my life. I’ll just go marry my girl while watching your girl find a new and decent man. Everything will just go back to normal as if you never existed."
"Fuck you."
"No, I'm sorry. I'm perfectly fine."
"Fuck you." My hands are shaking with anger. "Get your ass out of here."
"So you can go back to beating the shit out of your shed? What do you plan to destroy next? The house or maybe even your car? We can do it right now if you want, I’ll help. It'll be much faster with two of us."
I hate this man. Why the fuck is he here anyway?
"Just leave, I didn’t ask you to come here."
"No, you didn’t. Your ex did."
He's pushing every single one of my damn buttons. I’ll lose control soon if he doesn't stop.
"Lennox?"
What the fuck is this? Now Matthew.
"Matthew, take him with you and leave me the fuck alone."
Matthew starts laughing.
“I’m laughing but it's actually very sad to watch you throw away everything you’ve worked for. Have you looked at yourself lately? You haven't shaved in two weeks, you look like shit. How many hours of sleep did you get in the last week? You have a very bad case of dark circles under your eyes."
"Matthew, I've heard enough." I motion to him to get out of my yard.
"No fucking way, man. We're not
leaving until you tell us what the hell is wrong with you."
"You have two minutes to get in your car or I'm calling the cops for trespassing and disturbing the peace.”
“Do it, Lennox, I'm pretty sure they would love to see how well you're doing at the moment, don’t you think?"
As if I can't get any angrier than I already am. I throw my hammer on the falling wall of the shed and push them both out of the way so I can go inside the house.
"Go to hell, both of you."
They had better not follow me inside, it’s my goddamn home and I won't have a problem kicking them out. Taking the already half-gone bottle of whisky, I start drinking it directly from the bottle. Checking my room, I can see Lilly's drawers empty and her side of the closet too. She really has gone for good. The bathroom also is clear of all her body lotions, creams and perfumes. Fuck! My heart is pounding in my chest, and I feel the blood drain from my face. She's gone, really gone.
Of course, she has. You told her to leave, idiot.
Someone is banging on my front door.
"You have forty-five seconds to get your ass out here or I’m going to call the cops. If you don’t believe me, try me."
Fuck, I just want to hit him square in the face. Damn, Logan. I grab my wallet and keys and get out of the house. Matt is waiting in the car but Logan is waiting to escort me to the car. To say I'm irritated is a fucking understatement.
"Where the hell am I going now?"
Neither of them answers my simple question. I don’t need this and don’t care what it is they are doing but where are they taking me.
"Hey, I asked a question. Where are you taking me?"
Matthew is looking at Logan, waiting for him to say something.
"Right now, we're just driving around until you calm the fuck down. How much whisky did you have?"
Matthew turns to look at me with concern plastered on his face. I don’t want anybody to feel sorry for me. I shot him because he almost killed Lilly and because he was about to shoot me.
"We're trying to help you get your life back on track."
"My life is perfectly fine." Even I don’t believe my own words. How pathetic!
"Of course it is. Every day I see people taking to destroying their shed with a hammer. It's something people do when they're happy and their life is perfectly fine, right?" Logan’s sarcastic words hit a nerve, more than I’m willing to deal with right now.
What is he doing?
Provoking me?
He talks to me as if I’m nothing but a piece of shit on the bottom of his shoe. Absolutely no respect.
Who the hell does he think he’s talking to?
We've been driving around for at least forty minutes when he finally parks the car in one of the biggest towers in the city. They both get out and I'm sitting here wondering if I can run away. I bet Logan would catch me in no time, though, my legs are heavy from all the whisky.
“Where are we going now?”
“Just keep quiet, okay?”
I chuckle in disbelief, did he just tell me to shut up? He did.
“You know what? You can’t take me against my will.”
“That’s true.” Logan hands me his car keys and I take them. “Take the wheel, come on. I’ll call the cops and they’ll arrest you for DUI, is that what you want?”
“You are both assholes. Matthew, don’t call me your brother again. You disgust me. Just fucking take me wherever it is you’re taking me. The quicker I’m done with you, the better I’ll be.” They don’t move or say anything back. Matthew doesn’t look well, he’s avoiding me. I would too if I was in his shoes.
“Follow us.”
I follow them, trying to calm down. I hate being like this but controlling my emotions has become too hard. We get in an elevator to the ninth floor. As soon as we set foot outside, I see the tag next to the full-length stainless steel door. Greyson Emery, Therapist, P.T.S.D. Specialist. Fuck.
Logan opens the door and waits for me to walk inside the office. I hesitantly walk in and a man, who’s clearly a VIP at the Gym downstairs, faces me.
“Here’s Lennox Love. Good luck.” Logan says before leaving the office with Matthew following close behind him.
I really don’t feel like talking about my problems right now. Lilly tried relentlessly to get me to talk and I didn’t. Why would he succeed?
“We’ll do this in my office.” He leads the way to another stainless steel door. “You can sit wherever you want.”
I nod, opting for the couch.
“What can I help you with today?”
“You’re the specialist, you tell me.” I know I’m an arrogant ass but I can’t help myself.
He sits back at his desk with his arms crossed on his chest and he’s looking at me. “I have all day, so you talk when you’re ready.”
Can I get out of here? This is a waste of time, totally unnecessary. I did what I did and no amount of therapy will change the past. How can Matthew do this to me? I thought he was my friend. It appears I was wrong about him.
With both of my hands covering my face, I try to let go of the anger boiling inside my chest. I hate everyone who I once considered my friend, every single one of them. Why would they send me here? This is one damn nightmare.
It has been over twenty minutes now and he hasn’t moved or talked. He is much more patient than I am.
I’m getting antsier by the second. Getting out of here soon is my main goal, so I had better start talking or I’ll be sleeping here. Not that I can actually sleep.
“I killed a man.”
“How does that make you feel?”
“He was an abuser, he used to hit my girlfriend or ex-girlfriend, should I say? He came into my home and tried to kill her. God knows what he had planned. It shouldn’t matter if I killed him, he wasn’t a good man. He had no good intentions. “
“How does that make you feel to be the person who took his life?”
Shit. I guess he’s smarter than I am and won’t let me avoid his questions. “I feel numb, I have nightmares and I keep having visions of that night.”
“What kind of nightmares or visions do you get?”
I sigh. I can’t believe I’m fucking doing this. “I relive the moment when I shot him, how his body fell to the ground and sometimes, in my nightmares, his body is replaced by Lilly’s, my girl…my ex-girlfriend.” That vision is the one I hate the most, it makes me sick to my stomach. A life without Lilly is unthinkable but I told her to leave. I’ve already lost her. My heart twists in my chest, making me cough. The pain is spreading up my upper body. My eyes are hiding behind a layer of tears.
I’m not going to fucking cry in front of this man. Get a grip, Lennox.
“He had brought with him different kind of tapes, ropes and a gun. If Logan hadn’t gotten there in time, I can’t bear to think what would’ve happened.”
“You mentioned ex-girlfriend, what happened?”
Of course, he isn’t going to let this go. “I told her to leave. She deserves better than me.”
He shakes his head very subtly. “If you were with her before the incident, you must have thought that you were worth it, what changed?”
“I killed a man. Her ex-boyfriend.” I pause and think about all the reasons why I told her to leave. “I’m not myself anymore. The guy she fell in love with is gone.”
“He’s right in front of me.” He adds coldly not showing any emotion.
“Right!” I hate this man.
“I think you are a man with a lot of weight on your shoulders. You weren’t with Ms. McCarthy when the attack occurred, you didn’t protect her and you feel in some way that you have failed her. You took this man’s life to protect yourself and the people around you. Did you fulfill this act as a man looking for revenge or did you act as the Sergeant that you are?”
I wish he could read my mind because I have no idea how to answer his damn question. “I wasn’t in the right state of mind when I caught him but I think it’s the sergeant
in me that pulled the trigger. As soon as I found him, everything I did reflected the procedures of a policeman in situations like these.”
“Why the remorse then?”
I shrug. “Because no matter how much he hurt Lilly, she loved him once. We’ve never really talked about how she feels.” I think about what else is annoying me. “The fact that I have some kind of connection to him makes it harder. It feels like I’ve killed someone I knew.” I shake my mind away. “I don’t want to feel pity for him because he sure as hell didn’t come that day to try and win her back. He had planned on forcing himself on her and probably killing her. I can’t feel sympathy for him.”
“I think you are facing a crossroad. If you don’t want to feel sympathy toward him, you’ve got to let go of the part in you that regrets killing him.”
Regret is not exactly how I feel. There is so much torment I need to release. My mind is troubled but I’m feeling better. Nothing is resolved but talking is helping.
Leaving his office two hours later, my body and mind feel drained. I get in a taxi and try to keep the conversation with the driver to a minimum. Once I’m home, I find my bed and pass out almost immediately. I miss Lilly’s presence but I still believe she deserves better and I won’t be contacting her until I feel like I’m good enough for her. I can only hope it doesn’t take a year to heal my broken soul.
The following morning, I have group therapy. Surprisingly, I’m looking forward to it. Greyson Emery got through to me in just two hours.
The anger is still living inside but it no longer prevents me from sleeping. It’s a first. The first of many firsts.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Moving on
After hours of meditation, I still haven't forgiven or figured out why Lennox ended what we had. I thought it was beyond amazing even before Seattle. He showed me so much hope and love that I started to believe in everything he was saying. Maybe he liked the game, the mission but I'm almost convinced that something switched inside his heart or mind. I'm guessing it’s both. That night...I don't want to think about it anymore. So much has happened in such a short time, it overwhelms my thoughts with terror.
