by Jude Ouvrard
If I want to move on with my life and get over the feelings I have for Lennox, it’s a good night to start.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Healing
Sitting next to Carlos and a whole bunch of Air Force guys, we talk, listen and meditate. I’ve gotten used to coming here. It’s a quiet room with a view of the streets. Everything’s pale, the walls, the chairs, couches, pillows. It’s very relaxing in this room. The therapist, Emery, is better than what I gave him credit for. I've been coming here more often than not and I'm finally breathing again. Dealing with my issues is a lot easier when surrounded by the right people. The guys here have seen and been through so much worse than I have. Knowing their stories is one thing but living them is nothing but hell on Earth. I consider myself lucky compared to them.
Through the large window, I can see the rain pouring against the glass and every single time there is thunder, some of the guys get agitated. Earlier, one of them threw himself on the floor as if someone was attacking us. Carlos is keeping an eye on him and making sure he is in control. I have seen Carlos a few times before but never really talked to him much. He is good friend with Logan and Abbey. Here, during the session, we’ve been helping each other.
When I was a young boy, I wanted to be a soldier so bad but in the end, decided to opt for something without deployment. I'm glad I did.
Right now, we're doing some kind of a game that kids do at school. It feels so elementary and juvenile but I trust that if Greyson Emery is making us do this, it’s because we need to learn a lesson from it.
"Taylor, tell us one thing about you that makes you proud?"
Taylor is the man who’s not comfortable with thunder. He got back from deployment not too long ago.
“I… ummm… volunteer in an animal shelter once or twice a week. It’s not much but I like taking care of animals. I wanted to be a veterinarian when I was a kid. Last week, this man brought a dog in that a car had hit. Of course, I didn’t do the surgery but I assisted them. I was pretty happy about that.”
“What did you learn about yourself in that situation?”
He smiles proudly. “When the dog came in, I stayed calm, took him in my arms and brought him to the veterinarian. The dog was clearly in a panic and in pain but I was able to calm him down.”
“How you feel on the inside reflects on the outside. The dog felt it. Well done, Taylor. Now, Lennox, your turn.”
Shit. I don’t know.
“A friend of mine got out of a violent relationship recently and she had a really hard time trusting people. She would flinch every time someone was getting closer or touching her. I hated seeing her like this. She used to be this beautiful, funny girl, always smiling and looking happy. Domestic violence is a very sad situation and she lived with it for two years. I offered her a roof, helped her out every chance I got.” It hurts to think that I pushed her away. “She’s a lot better now.” I miss her.
“What did you learn about this?”
It takes me at least twenty seconds before I can think of an answer. “I know that no matter what happened in the past, how much it hurts and troubles our mind, it’s possible to move on and enjoy life again. When she came back, she was suffering from trauma and nightmares, now she’s stronger, working and enjoying life.”
The session ends with a sigh of relief on my part. I’m proud of myself. It has been a tough few weeks but I’m better, much better.
That moment is almost here, tomorrow I return to work. Of course, I'm excited. Going to therapy has had its ups and downs but it's a lot easier for me to deal with the death of Dave. My life has found its normalcy again and I know I have to try to talk to Matthew. The damage I did may not be repairable. That day when he brought me to Emery with Logan had been one of my worst. While I was seeking help, I didn't reach to anyone in my circle, I had to do this for myself.
As for Lilly, she hasn't stopped haunting my days and nights. To say that I miss her, barely covers how I'm feeling. Her smile and the way it reaches her eyes whenever I tell her how gorgeous she is. Her eyes and everything I used to see in them. All the joy, lust and love that emanates from her makes me miss the sensation of having her in my arms when I go to sleep or when I wake up in the morning. Her presence fills me with everything I have missing. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get her back. She has every reason to hate me. I was an asshole to her, I'm not afraid to admit it.
"Hey, Lennox, do you want to grab something to eat?" Carlos asks.
Chuckling. "Didn't you just eat? I thought I saw you eating a burger right outside the building before the session?"
"I did but I have a date tonight and it's making me nervous and I always eat more when I’m nervous." He really does look nervous. I know how that feels, Lilly used to have that effect on me.
I’m happy for him. He deserves someone who'll love him. He's a good man and he worked really hard to get where he is.
"Is she hot? Do I know her?" I ask curiously but I doubt I’ll know her. We don’t exactly hang out with the same people. Air Force soldiers tend to stick together.
He frowns. "Yeah, I think you do."
What? Really? I’m wondering who she might be. "Really? Who is it?"
"Remember the hot brunette at The Spot with Abbey? Her sister?"
"Yeah, Lilly." I say expecting the worse. I can understand why he is attracted to her. She’s something special.
"We're going out on a date. She's perfect." The excitement in his eyes and in his voice is clear. He really wants it to work out with Lilly. That kills me.
"When did you last see her?" She must be doing fine if she agreed to a date. A stabbing sensation goes right through my heart as I think about her and Carlos together.
"Days ago. She came into The Spot with her sister. As soon as I saw her again, I knew I had to ask her."
It’s as if my world has just fallen apart right before my eyes and I can't do anything to stop it.
"Take care of her, will you?"
He furrows as if I have said something wrong.
"Of course, I will. I'm a true gentleman with ladies." He nudges me on the shoulder playfully.
"Look, I have to go. We'll grab something to eat another time."
I try to act normal but on the inside, I'm falling down a seventy-five floor skyscraper. It's not possible, I tell myself. She can't be going out with another man. How can she possibly move on so fast? I can’t move on or forget the time we spent together. I‘m guessing she just needs a distraction, this can’t be for real.
I wave goodbye at Carlos and head to my car so I can continue my way to hell on my own. Unlocking the doors of my car with the small controller, I hurry inside. Once I sit down, I try to remember what the steps are to calm myself in case of a panic attack. Shit! I don't know. I just breathe in and out and put the car in drive as soon as the engine is alive. Driving faster than I should, I find my way to the diner and park right in front of it.
The rain is pouring down. Exactly how I feel on the inside too, a fucking downpour. Gripping my hair, I know I have to let her go if this is what she wants but I at least have to t fight to win her heart again.
I can see her. She's talking with the other waitress, Zoe, I think. She seems fine but with Lilly, it’s always hard to tell until I'm right next to her. It's like we share some kind of connection. Unable to stop staring, I take everything in, scared as hell that I’ll never see her again. Her brown wavy hair and amber almond shape eyes. Her natural pink lips that I would do anything to kiss again. Her small waist and full breasts. God, I want her so bad.
Zoe plays with Lilly's hair trying to put her hair in an up do. I hate to think what they are discussing. Most likely contemplating what to wear as well as all the other things girls talk about before a date. A date. I can't let her go. I’m thinking that she may need one date with another man to realize what we had was real. Pure fucking gold.
Seeing her laugh but not being able to hear her isn’t easy. Within hours, she’ll be with Carlo
s while I’ll be doing everything not to go crazy. Matthew, right, I have to talk to him and tell him I’m sorry for everything I said. We go way back, I’m sure it’ll be all right. It has to be.
Watching her working, I know I’ll have to reach out to her as well. Today may not be the right day but maybe tomorrow or the next day. Maybe the day after that. I want her to know I’m better now and barging inside the diner to beg her not to go on her date wouldn’t be a smart approach. Acting like a possessive caveman is only going to do one thing… push her away. That would be the worst scenario possible.
Right before shifting the car into drive, I take one last look at her and our eyes meet. She’s looking at me with question marks in her eyes. The raindrops blur my windshield every few seconds after each swipe of my wipers. She’s wondering what the hell I’m doing here. For one second, she looks happy and relieved but the following second, sadness replaces it all and she breaks the connection by looking elsewhere. No. No. Look at me, Lilly. Look at me, sweetheart. I wait and she does. She’s looking at me again and I give her a small nod and a timid smile. She nods back.
Okay I have to get out of here before I run inside and kiss her to oblivion.
Driving to Matt’s house, I’m only hoping he’s home. I have to make this right with him first. I’m back only because he and Logan forced me to get help. Without them, I don’t know what would’ve happened. My life didn’t make any sense at the time. I don’t even want to put my mind through that again. It was too fucked up.
The traffic is light so I park my car in front of Matt’s house. I think he’s home. I’m nervous and my hands are sweaty. I have to make this right so we can be friends again, hopefully.
“Matt, it’s me.” I say knocking on his reed wooden door. I hear footsteps coming in my direction, and the door opens.
“Lennox. What are you doing here?” He doesn’t sound mad but not entirely excited to see me. I could say he is as cold as a damn block of ice.
“I came to say I’m sorry.” Matt closes the door behind him and stays outside on the porch with me. He is not inviting me inside for the first time in my life. That’s odd. “What you did weeks ago made me so furious. I wanted to kick your ass so bad and I was fine if we weren’t going to see each other again. Except for now, I’m much better. I’ve had hours of therapy and I’m a lot of time to think. To be honest, I’m doing really well but I miss my friend. I’m sorry about everything including hurting your sister. I haven’t talked to her yet.”
“Are you done now?” He rubs his face with both hands.
“Yeah.”
“We’re good. I’m glad you’re better now but don’t expect Lilly to be so cool about it.”
“I know. She has a date tonight.”
He nods. “And she’s nervous about it.”
“Okay, I don’t want to talk about it. I’ll find a way to get her back. I promise.” I like Carlos, he’s a good guy but Lilly and I should be together. She’ll realize it soon enough.
“Yeah… I kind of like the idea of you two together. It made sense. I had never thought you two would be together one day but when I found out about it, I started to think and she’s a good fit for you.” He paused. “Take care of her though. I think she’s been through enough. Don’t think she’ll take you back right away,” he chuckles. “Prepare to run.”
“I’m prepared for anything. I’ll run if I have to and I’ll crawl if she asks me too.” Nothing will be worse than not having her in my life. She’s it for me. She’s the one. I’ve let her go once and that was a mistake. As soon as I have her back, I’ll marry her and make sure she’s the happiest woman until I die. Cheesy, yes… but after the hell Dave and I put her through, she deserves roses, romantic dinners, French lingerie. Everything a woman dreams of.
“So, what are you up to now?”
“I have to keep busy and distract myself. I don’t want to mope around all night thinking of her with Carlos.”
Unexpectedly, he takes me in a man hug. Completely out of nowhere and I didn’t see it coming. “It’s good to see you again, man. Something wasn’t right when we weren’t talking. Why don’t you tell me all about it? I was gonna have a BBQ outside. Nothing fancy. Just something simple. Logan and Abbey might drop by too.”
I guess today is the type of day where I’ll have to explain my actions more than once. If I can make things right with them before Lilly, it might help my case. I know Abbey is very protective of Lilly but if I’m lucky, Logan might have explained to her what I was going through. A fucking nightmare, that’s what it was. I shudder just at the thought. Never again, I promise myself.
A sunny summer morning and the air is still cool, having not yet warmed in the August sun. Back to work, wearing my uniform for the first time in a long time and I’m proud of myself. At one point, I doubted I would ever wear this again. Not only am I nervous to be back here in the cruiser, but we’re on our way to the diner.
I’ll see Lilly unless today is her day off and I’m tense. Of course, I won’t be able to tell her everything I want to but it will be our first official contact since the day I told her to leave. It will help me gauge how mad she is or where we stand. If she acts like nothing ever happened between us, it’ll crush my ego.
Walking inside the diner, I spot her right away and it takes her two additional seconds to turn around and watch me sit at our usual table. She’s stunned, I can tell. I nod at her like I had the last time I saw her. She gives me a curt smile and moves to the coffee pot to bring us two cups of freshly brewed coffee. The diner is busy with most of the tables filled with regulars. I know I won’t be able to keep her around for a long time, probably only a few seconds at the most.
“Sirs.” She sets both coffee cups on the table.
“Busy morning, eh?”
“Yeah, it is. My morning just keeps on getting….” She hesitates, not sure at what she wants to say. She’s careful, I’m not alone. Not free to tell me exactly what she wants to.
“More surprising? Or Interesting?” Trying to guess.
“Something like that.” She wipes her hand on her apron and returns to her other tables.
My partner starts laughing. “What the hell was that?”
“We… umm... used to be together…”
“Why the hell didn’t you say something when I suggested coming here?” I think I just made this morning uncomfortable for both of them, Lilly and Chris, my partner.
I watch Lilly helping an elderly from her seat. Her smile is true and honest. Unlike it was with me. “Because I’m planning on winning her back.”
“Well, good luck with that.”
Amused, I thank him. It's funny how Matthew and Chris both think I'll need luck. I got this. It may not happen right away but I know that in a matter of days, we'll be back together and hopefully under the same roof. I don't want to spend any more nights restless and alone, and I bet she feels the same way.
I wait for her to come back to my table to take our orders.
About to take a sip of his coffee, Chris shakes his head in disbelief. “You better stop staring at her like that or she’ll kick you out for harassment.”
“I haven’t seen her in a long time. You know who she is, right?”
Frowning, he takes a sip of his coffee. “No, tell me.”
“She used to be the girlfriend of the man I took down.” I wait for his reaction and I get it. He almost spills his coffee.
“Are you serious, Eastwood?”
“I am. Look, it’s not as bad as it sounds. I grew up with her brother and spent most of my time at her house. Then, we lost touch for a couple of years until I saw her again. Her life has been challenging to say the least. She ran away from a violent relationship and I offered her a roof. I think I fell in love with her the minute I saw her after all those years.”
“It doesn’t add up.”
“Patience, Chris. We went to Seattle for an overnight, and on our return, I dropped her home while I had business to attend at the sta
tion. Her ex was waiting inside her apartment. He nearly killed her, attacked her sister and her sister’s boyfriend. When I got to the station, I checked my messages and there was a text from her.” I take a deep breath because I hate that part of the story. “Anyway, I think you can piece the rest of the story together.”
“Yeah… I didn’t know it was her. We came here before and you never said anything.”
I know. I didn’t want to pressure her. Finally, I catch her looking at me. “Yeah, she had been through enough, we were taking things slowly.” I’m trying to read her but she’s not letting anything slip. Her shoulders look defeated as she walks toward our table.
“Are you ready to order?”
Chris goes first and I follow. Hopeless, I do not break our gaze and keep my eyes locked with the amber of hers.
“I’ll take two egg whites with two multigrain toasts and a large orange juice.” She nods trying not to break the silent moment.
When we stare back at each other longer than expected, she sighs helplessly. “I’ll be right back.” She bites on her bottom lip and breaks the connection by looking at Chris quickly.
Chortling, Chris sits back in his chair and crosses both his arms across his chest. “Maybe I should sit at another table.” He shrugs. “Give you some privacy.”
“Nah, it’s alright. I got this. Tonight, I’ll stop by where she lives now and try to make it right.” It’s going to be a long day, I can already tell.
Ten minutes later, Zoe brings up our plates while Lilly is busy at the register. The restaurant is quite busy at this time and day. Both girls are running around the restaurants with full or empty plates.
We finish eating, pay and leave. There are no other special moments between Lilly and I. We’re both at work, no time to play around.
The day is dragging and seems endless. All day, in my head I’ve been trying to come up with the perfect words but now, standing in the white hallway of Logan’s apartment, I’m lost. I don’t know what to say. Knocking on the door, I wait for someone to open up.
