Anticipation

by Sarah Mayberry

  “Don’t you dare laugh at me,” Eddie warned him.

  “Come on. It’s a little bit funny.”

  “No. It really fucking isn’t.”

  Raf sobered. “You’re right. Sorry. I guess I’ve been waiting for this to happen for a while.”

  “What, me and Blue?” Eddie asked, startled.

  Raf shook his head. “No. Not Blue. I wasn’t sure you two would ever work your shit out. But I figured there’d be someone, eventually.”

  “So what do you think I should do? About Blue, I mean.”

  Raf looked startled. “Why are you asking me? You know Blue better than anyone.”

  “You’re the one who knows how to do this long-term stuff. You’ve been with Lena. And now you’re with Maggie.”

  “Maggie isn’t Blue.”

  “Tell me about it.” Maggie was sweet and funny and warm; Blue would take out Eddie’s eye if he called her sweet.

  “What did she say this morning?” Raf asked.

  Eddie could feel his face heating as he remembered Blue’s words. “She, uh, pointed out that my track record isn’t exactly stellar in this area. And she said she valued our friendship more than good sex.”

  “Good sex?” Raf asked, one eyebrow cocked.

  “She was underplaying,” Eddie said flatly.

  “You sure? Maybe you’re losing your touch.” Raf was trying not to smirk again.

  “Come on, man, stop dicking around and help me out here.”

  Raf glanced around the garage as though searching for ideas to offer.

  “Honestly, I don’t know. Blue is tough. You know what she’s like. She’s so self-contained sometimes, it’s hard to know what she’s thinking.”

  “You’ve gotta give me more than that,” Eddie said, hands spread wide.

  Raf studied him for a beat. “This is real, yeah? For you?”

  “You think I’d be standing here if it wasn’t?”

  “At the risk of pointing out the obvious, you could have done something years ago if this was the way you felt.”

  “I know.” Eddie scuffed his boot against a dark spot on the concrete.

  “So why didn’t you?”

  Eddie looked at his brother. Why was Raf even bothering to ask? He knew the situation. He knew Eddie, and he knew Blue.

  “Because I give a shit, and I never wanted to hurt her.”

  Raf crossed his arms over his chest. “So what’s changed?”

  Eddie thought about it for a moment. It wasn’t just that the accident had driven it home to him in no uncertain terms how precious life was and how quickly things could change. It was more than that.

  “I always wanted her. Always. But I knew I wouldn’t be good for her, so I kept my hands to myself. I know I’m not perfect now, but I’m ready. I think we could be good together. I think we could be pretty freaking amazing, actually.”

  His face was hot again, but he was glad he’d articulated his feelings. Hearing himself say it out loud helped quieten the white noise in his head.

  “You want my advice? Talk to her. Be honest. And hope that she’s honest in return. That’s pretty much the trick of making things work. Keep talking,” Raf said.

  Eddie nodded, taking on board his brother’s advice. “Thanks, man. And thanks for not freaking out about me and Blue.”

  Because there had been a part of Eddie that had been expecting that.

  “This is Blue, right? It’s not like you could have forced her into doing anything she didn’t want to do. I figure you guys are adults. Mostly.”

  Eddie managed a smile at his brother’s addition of mostly, tempted to point out that not only did Raf have a half share in the very expensive boys’ toy in front of them, but he also had a full slew of gaming consoles upstairs and a bunch of other fun stuff.

  “I’m going to go shake the cob-webs off,” Eddie said.

  He straddled the bike, and Raf passed him the helmet.

  “Don’t go too crazy,” Raf said.

  Which was bro-speak for be careful, Eddie knew.

  “I might be the reckless twin, but I’m not stupid.”

  Raf tilted his head to the side as though giving the matter serious consideration, and Eddie grinned inside the helmet as he started the bike. The sound of the engine coming to life was loud in the confined space and Raf cast an approving eye over the bike before walking across to the wall where control for the automatic door was located. Daylight streamed into the garage, and the moment the door was clear, Eddie lifted his hand in farewell before putting the bike into gear and gunning out into the street.

  He had a lot to think about — but first, he needed to blow some air back into his brain.

  Chapter Thirteen

  “Do you think this is supposed to be a statement about domesticity or something…?” Maggie said, her voice lowered to respectful, art-gallery level as they contemplated the piece in front of them.

  Set in a white alcove, the upright vacuum cleaner had clearly been well-used. Its cord was wrapped neatly around the on-board holder, the body of the unit angled slightly to show off its profile.

  For the life of her, Blue couldn’t work out what it was supposed to represent.

  “Maybe it’s about modern art sucking?” Blue said just as quietly.

  Maggie smothered a laugh. “Please don’t make me laugh or I’ll never stop.”

  From the moment they’d arrived at Maggie’s friend’s exhibition, they’d been carefully avoiding making eye contact with one another for too long or saying too much. One look at the first piece of “art” had been enough to tell Blue what they were in for: a plain white canvas, it had been displayed next to a blank space where, notionally, another canvas might hang. And next to that was a neat, canvas-shaped hole that had been cut into the plaster.

  The artist’s statement had talked about “voids” and “the act of creation” and “the expectations of the viewer.” As someone who had studied more than her fair share of the great artists, Blue had no patience for this kind of self-indulgent wankery. She wanted to see skill and craft. She wanted to see ideas and talent. A hole in the wall did not satisfy her criteria for any of the above.

  The exhibition had only gotten worse from there, culminating in the vacuum cleaner installation. Or whatever it was called.

  “Here’s a plan,” Blue suggested hopefully. “We blow this joint and go grab something to eat. There’s a great new cake shop on Gertrude Street I’m gagging to try.”

  Maggie’s eyes lit up. “I heard about that. Just let me find Justin so I can let him know we’re leaving.”

  “Make sure to let him know which piece you’re buying,” Blue said, deadpan.

  “My God, can you imagine Raf’s face if I came home with one of these?”

  “My mind is boggling so hard it needs cake to sustain it. Go tell your friend he’s the next Pollock and let’s get out of here,” Blue said, giving Maggie a nudge to get her moving.

  Maggie was about to oblige when an older man dressed in a grey dust coat walked past them, his gaze intent on something behind them. They turned together, just in time to watch as he gripped the handle on the vacuum cleaner, tilted it back, and wheeled it away.

  Returning it to the janitor’s closet, Blue presumed.

  It was too much. The first bubble of laughter almost exploded out of her mouth. She didn’t even try to smother it — it would be like trying to put a lid on Mount Vesuvius. Maggie was almost doubled over, she was laughing so hard, both hands pressed to her mouth in an attempt to maintain gallery etiquette. When it became clear neither one of them was going to stop being amused any time soon, they made their way in unspoken unison to the nearest exit, emerging into the busy street that ran alongside the gallery.

  “Oh. My. God,” Maggie said, leaning against the wall and wiping tears from her eyes. “I think that’s the funniest piece of performance art I’ve ever seen.”

  That set them both off again, and for a few minutes there was nothing but the sound of wheez
ing as they both lost it.

  It felt good to laugh, but at a certain point Blue felt a dangerous pressure building behind her eyes and she realized that it wouldn’t take much for her to either slide over into outright hysteria or burst into tears. Or, possibly, both of the above.

  One hand pressed against her sternum, she took deep breaths and avoided looking at Maggie for a few seconds. The last thing she needed was her friend asking questions. Not today, when she was still so off balance and terrified over what had happened with Eddie. There was a very real danger that the whole disaster would simply tumble out of her mouth, and that was the last thing she wanted.

  “Oh, I needed that,” Maggie said, using a knuckle to wipe the tears from the corner of her eyes a second time.

  Blue let her hand fall to her side. “We ready for cake now?”

  “I still have to say goodbye to Justin. Give me five minutes.”

  Maggie slipped into the gallery. Blue considered the closed door for a beat, then turned and wandered a little farther along the street to check out the other businesses. There was a gentleman’s hat maker, another small gallery and a shop selling religious paraphernalia…

  Blue slipped her hands into the back pockets of her jeans and tried not to think about Eddie, something she’d been endeavoring to do from the moment Maggie arrived on her doorstep.

  She wondered if he was still angry with her for the way she’d walked out on him. Then she wondered what it would be like, seeing him again on Monday. Finally, she worried that no matter what she did, no matter what rearguard action she fought, it would never be possible for them to get past what had happened.

  She was gnawing on her thumbnail — a very old, much despised habit — when Maggie rejoined her.

  “Right, done. We’re free. Let’s celebrate with deliciousness,” Maggie said.

  “Promise me you didn’t buy anything,” Blue asked as they began walking toward the street where Maggie had parked her car.

  “Cross my heart and hope to never read another Georgette Heyer book in my lifetime,” Maggie promised, one hand held up in the classic pledge position.

  “That is a hardcore pledge,” Blue said.

  “I thought so.” Maggie rummaged in her bag for something as they turned onto the next street. “I keep meaning to ask you — what happened to you last night? Raf and I showed up at Mojo and I’d just spotted you on the dance floor when you disappeared.”

  Good grief. Had Steffi left a single stone unturned when she’d been issuing invitations last night?

  “I, um, had a bit of a headache. So I grabbed a taxi home.” She shrugged to show it was no big deal. “If I’d realized you guys were coming, I would have hung around.” It felt crappy to lie to Maggie, but it wasn’t as though she had much choice.

  Maggie glanced at her, her expression curious. “I thought you left with Eddie?”

  “Wh—what? No.” Blue shook her head emphatically. “Where on earth did you get that from?”

  “Raf. He went out to put my coat in his car and said he saw you guys jump in a taxi together.”

  Blue’s brain went completely blank. She could feel telltale heat creeping into her face and she cast around for some way to excuse her lie, very aware of Maggie’s close regard.

  And still nothing came.

  Maggie’s eyes widened. “Wow. Okay,” she said. “Got to admit, I didn’t see that coming.”

  “No. It wasn’t… We didn’t…” Blue trailed off miserably, painfully conscious of the fact that she was now beet-red and about as guilty-looking as a person could get.

  Maggie held up both hands. “It’s okay. What you and Eddie do is your own business.”

  “We don’t do. I mean, we haven’t before. I mean —” Blue realized she was only making things worse.

  They’d both stopped walking by now and Maggie touched Blue’s arm. “Blue. It’s none of my business. If you don’t want to talk about it, we won’t.”

  “Can you please not tell Rafel?”

  “Of course not. Even though it’s going to kill me,” Maggie admitted honestly.

  One of the many reasons Blue loved her so.

  They resumed walking. Blue kept waiting for Maggie to break her self-imposed ban on talking about it further, but she remained silent, her expression pleasantly neutral. As though she wasn’t curious, and didn’t have questions, and wasn’t formulating a ton of theories about what may or may not have happened between Blue and Eddie.

  “It just happened, and it’s never going to happen again, so there’s nothing really to talk about,” Blue said, unable to keep the words in a second longer.

  They stopped walking again.

  “Okay. If that’s what you both want,” Maggie said evenly.

  Blue covered her face with her hands, overwhelmed by the warring impulses within herself: the need to put a lid on this thing somehow versus the desire to sift through what had happened with her friend until it made sense versus the childish urge to run away until this all blew over.

  She made a frustrated noise, fingertips pressing hard against her eyes.

  “Blue, it’s okay. I’m not judging you. And I’m definitely not going to tell anyone, including Raf. You have my word.”

  “I think I made a terrible mistake,” Blue said through her hands. “I think I just screwed up everything, big time.”

  “Because you and Eddie slept with each other?”

  Blue nodded before letting her hands fall to her sides. Maggie’s blue eyes were warm with sympathy.

  “Can I ask how it happened? I mean, not the specifics, obviously.” Maggie’s cheeks got rosy. She’d always been a good blusher. “Were you guys drinking or something…?”

  “No. Not that much, anyway.” Blue hesitated for a moment, unsure how much to say. How much was too much. “Eddie and I… It’s always been there. We just never did anything about it. Ever since the accident, it’s been on my mind, and I haven’t been able to make it go away.”

  Maggie nodded as though what Blue was saying made sense to her.

  “I haven’t told you this, but the night of the accident, Eddie was a mess,” Maggie said. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone so upset. He was shaking, Blue. His whole body. Like a dog when it’s terrified of something.”

  Maggie’s revelation made Blue’s eyes sting. She blinked rapidly.

  “He adores you, Blue.”

  “I know.”

  “And you adore him.”

  Blue could only nod.

  “So maybe it’s not the worst thing in the world that this happened,” Maggie said, the corners of her mouth tilting up into a hopeful half-smile.

  Blue knew where her friend was going — Maggie was a romantic and an idealist at heart. Of course she thought this was the beginning of something beautiful.

  “How many girlfriends has Eddie had in the time that you’ve known him?” Blue asked.

  Maggie looked surprised by the question. “I don’t know. I don’t keep a track of his private life. Enough, I guess.”

  “Enough. That’s a good way of putting it,” Blue agreed. “He’s never been with one woman more than six months, Maggie. Six months, against ten years of friendship. Against a lifetime of being able to know I can pick up the phone at any time of the day or night and he will be there for me, no questions asked. No matter what.”

  “You’ve thought about this a lot.”

  “He and Raf are the two most important people in my life.”

  “They’re your family,” Maggie said.

  “Yes.”

  “But I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that you’ve never wanted to jump Rafel?”

  Blue hesitated a second before she answered, and Maggie beat her to it.

  “He’s like a brother to you.”

  “He is.”

  “But Eddie is something different. Something more.”

  “No. He’s my friend. Except for a few hours last night, he’s always been just my friend.”

  Maggie
’s eyes were bright with compassion. “Come on, Blue. It’s more than that. I spent the first few months I knew you trying to work out whether you two were together or friends-with-benefits or something else I didn’t even have a name for.”

  Despite herself, Blue couldn’t stop herself from asking. “What did you decide?”

  “I filed it under Yet To Be Decided,” Maggie said.

  Blue shook her head, rejecting the idea. “Don’t say that.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I’m not buying into some bullshit fantasy that Eddie’s going to suddenly transform from Mr. Temporary because it’s me.”

  “You know, I don’t see him as Mr. Temporary. I’ve always thought Eddie was a man in search of something, and he hasn’t found it yet. Which is why he keeps trying to make it happen with these women who aren't right for him, getting into relationships that don’t pan out.”

  Blue laughed incredulously. “Please tell me you’re not suggesting that I’m the thing Eddie’s been looking for?”

  “I don’t know. You tell me.”

  Blue shook her head, rejecting Maggie’s theory with every fiber of her being. “I’ve known Eddie for ten years. I’ve been drunk with him, high with him, sober with him. I have seen him at his best and his worst. I know him better than anyone else in the world, Maggie. I know who he is, what he’s like. He’s terrible at relationships. Terrible. But he’s great at friendship. I know that if I needed him, he would be there in a shot. No questions asked, no holds barred. I am not risking all of that for — at best — a few weeks of being in his bed. It’s not worth it. Not in a million years. I’d rather be his friend forever than his lover for a while.”

  Maggie was watching her with a grave stillness and Blue belatedly understood how much she’d revealed.

  “You love him,” Maggie said softly.

  “Of course I love him,” Blue said quickly. “I love Rafel, too. Like you said, they’re family.”

  “Blue.” The single word was an admonishment, a gentle spur toward honesty.

  “I made my decision a long time ago where Eddie was concerned,” Blue said, looking away from the knowing light in her friend’s eyes. “I should never have let last night happen.”