Anticipation

by Sarah Mayberry

  It was testament to how weary she was that she simply glanced at him and nodded.

  “We can try one of those motels we passed on the way into town,” Eddie said. “There’s bound to be something decent. Wait here while I bring the car around.”

  He broke into a run as he left the shelter of the restaurant’s awning, bolting along the sidewalk and into the parking lot along the side of the building. It wasn’t until he was sliding into the driver’s seat that he realized Blue had followed him, walking doggedly through the rain, arms still wrapped around her torso.

  “I told you to wait,” he said as she opened the passenger door and got in.

  Her shirt was soaked, her hair dripping wet.

  “A little rain isn’t going to kill anyone.”

  He stared at her as it hit him how often Blue’s first instinct was to deflect other people’s kindness and consideration. As though accepting someone’s help, their thoughtfulness, was dangerous to her in some way.

  Leaning into the back seat, he grabbed the towel Raf always kept there for occasions just like this and handed it to Blue without a word. Lightning flashed overhead as he reversed out of the parking spot.

  “Sorry for getting you trapped up here,” Blue said.

  Her face was turned away from him and he couldn’t see her expression.

  “It’s no big deal.”

  “If we leave early, we can make it back by nine so we don’t screw up any more appointments,” she said.

  “Yeah, we can do that,” he agreed, even though he didn’t give a flying fig about the appointments.

  She was way more important to him than a handful of clients that might need to be reshuffled.

  They’d reached the outskirts of town and he slowed down as the first motel appeared on their left.

  “You ever stayed at any of these?” he asked.

  “Nope.”

  “Yeah, me either.”

  He chose one that had a relatively modern sign and pulled up next to reception.

  “Stay here,” he said.

  She didn’t say anything, and he remained in his seat until she glanced at him, eyebrows raised.

  “What?”

  “You going to stay here?”

  She made a small annoyed sound. “Yes. If it’s that important to you. But take this.”

  She pulled her wallet from her pocket and slipped her credit card free.

  “As if,” he said, opening the car and stepping out into the rain.

  Water was trickling down the back of his neck by the time he returned with the keys to two rooms. He drove into the parking area of the motel, finding a slot right in front of their rooms.

  Thunder boomed overhead as they made the short trip to the front door of the first room. He fumbled with the key, then pushed the door wide and they both stepped in out of the cold and rain.

  Eddie flicked on the light and glanced around. A queen sized bed bracketed by a bedside table either side on the right, a sideboard with a flatscreen TV on the left. A mini-fridge was tucked in beside the sideboard, and there was a door on the far wall. The bathroom, he presumed.

  “You want this one?” he asked.

  “Sure, why not?”

  “There’s a connecting door. Give me a sec to check my room out,” he said.

  He left her room and walked the few steps to his own front door, letting himself in. The layout was an exact mirror of Blue’s. He walked to the connecting door and opened his side, knocking on her door. She opened it, and he saw she’d taken her shoes off.

  She looked exhausted, the long day and the rain having reduced her make-up to dark smears around her eyes.

  Grabbing her by the shoulders, he turned her toward the bathroom.

  “Have a shower, get warm.” He pushed her forward a step and waited until she’d walked into the bathroom and closed the door before retreating to his own room and looking around a little more thoroughly. The bathroom had plenty of towels and toiletries, and the mini-bar was stocked with the usual miniature bottles of gin, whiskey and vodka. He could hear water running in the room next door, and he pulled his phone from his pocket and made a quick call to Raf to let him know not to expect his car back anytime soon.

  “Not a problem. Maggie and I have been setting some new land speed records in the Ferrari,” Rafel said.

  “I bet.”

  “How was the funeral?”

  Eddie kneaded his forehead as he thought about his answer. “Hard for Blue, I think. Everyone wanted a piece of her.”

  “How’s she holding up?”

  “Hasn’t shed a tear. She’s so damned stoic, I want to shake her,” Eddie said.

  He could hear the emotion in his own voice and he realized he was close to tears.

  “You all right?” Raf asked, his voice very quiet.

  “She’s just so amazing, and she deserves everything, but she’s had nothing. Nothing. Just the crumbs from other people’s tables, and it’s taught her to expect nothing but crumbs. It makes me want to hurt someone or something, man.”

  “I get that.”

  “One of her foster sisters told me this story… Jesus, Raf, I almost couldn’t stand it. What she’s had to deal with. I fucking love her so much, and it kills me to know that she’s had to go through all this crap alone. She was just a little kid.”

  He knuckled away a tear. There was a profound silence on the other end of the phone.

  “You still there?” Eddie asked.

  “Yeah. I’m just wondering if you heard what you just said,” Raf said.

  Eddie knew what his brother was referring to.

  “Yeah, I heard.”

  Of course he loved Blue. He’d been half in love with her for years — all it had taken was one moment of encouragement from her to seal the deal.

  “Well…you always did like a challenge,” Raf said. He sounded worried.

  “Don’t worry. I’m not going to make her wig out by telling her. I’m not that stupid,” Eddie said.

  Blue would run a mile if he declared himself.

  “So the game plan is…?” Raf asked.

  “I don’t know.” Blue had been very clear about what she wanted — and what she didn’t want. He figured the fact that he’d realized he was in love with her wasn’t going to change that.

  Thunder sounded overhead, making the window rattle.

  “Whoa. That storm is serious,” Raf said. “You want me to cancel your morning appointments?”

  “We’re going to try to get back by nine.”

  “Okay. Rest up, drive safe. And hang in there, okay?”

  “Yeah, I will. Thanks.”

  He was about to hang up when Raf spoke again.

  “Hold up. I just remembered — there are a stack of Brothers Ink T-shirts in the back of the Bentley if you want something fresh for tomorrow.”

  “Thanks, I’ll check it out.”

  Eddie braved the weather again to go out to the car and pop the trunk. Sure enough, there were two boxes of Brothers Ink T-shirts, one lot black, the other white. The smallest size was a large, and he grabbed one for Blue and headed back inside.

  He left it on her bed for her, then retreated to his own room, kicking off his shoes and shrugging out of his jacket. He made himself a vodka and tonic and sat on the end of the bed, drinking and thinking about his conversation with his brother.

  He figured he should be feeling pretty exposed right about now, but it had felt good to say it out loud.

  He was in love with Blue.

  He loved everything about her — her stubbornness, her spirit, her courage, her cheekiness, her sense of humor, her earthy sexuality. He wanted to make her happy. He wanted to protect her. He wanted to make up for all the shitty things that had happened in her life.

  Whether she would give him a chance to do any of the above was the question. He knew she wasn’t indifferent to him. He knew their night together meant something to her — it had taken him a while to work that out, but he understood that now. If
it hadn’t, she would have stayed for round two, instead of scrambling into her clothes the moment he went to the bathroom and bailing as quickly as she could.

  She’d told him she hadn’t slept with Reid, either. He figured that counted for something, too — not just the not-sleeping-with-Reid part, but also the fact that she’d told Eddie.

  Of course, he might also be looking for clues in her actions, reading between the lines for little hints and slips and giveaways that suited the narrative he favored because he was delusional, and he wanted to believe that he stood a chance with her.

  There was always that option.

  He heard movement next door, then the sound of the cellophane being pulled off the T-shirt.

  “Thanks for the top,” Blue called.

  “Let me know when you’re decent,” he said.

  “Could be a long wait,” Blue said, and he smiled to himself.

  Even when she was down, she was still a smart-ass. Was it any wonder he adored her?

  His smile faded as his head filled with images of how she must look right now, naked and pink and flushed from the shower, pulling the T-shirt over her head…

  He took a healthy slug of his drink. He was an asshole for even thinking about her like that when she was at her lowest ebb.

  “I’m decent,” she called.

  I’m not.

  He got up and made her a Johnny Walker and coke, taking it and his own drink next door with him. He found her sitting cross-legged on the bed, the voluminous T-shirt more than ensuring her modesty.

  He handed her the drink and she gave a small appreciative sigh. “Thanks.”

  He sat on the end of the bed and considered her. She’d washed off the last of her make-up in the shower and finger-combed her hair off her forehead. She looked much younger than her thirty years, and her eyes were heavy with sadness. If she was his, he would haul her into his arms and hold her till she slept.

  But she wasn’t. She was simply his friend, and all he could offer was what she would accept.

  “Pretty big day,” he said. “How are you holding up?”

  She shrugged a shoulder. “I’m okay.”

  It was complete bullshit, of course. She’d had people at her all afternoon, her former foster mates gravitating to her strength and calm as though they could absorb some of it via osmosis.

  “Was it always like that?” he asked. “Them all hanging off you?”

  Blue frowned. “What do you mean?”

  He couldn’t believe she hadn’t noticed. “You’re the strong one. They all want to be like you.”

  She screwed up her face. “No, they don’t.”

  “Blue, I stood there with you and listened to them pour their tales of woe at your feet. And you didn’t say a word about yourself.”

  “I didn’t need to.”

  “Because you don’t need or want their approval.”

  “You think they want my approval?”

  “Yes. And I think they want you to show them how to be like you are — tough, resilient.”

  “Well, they’re fucking idiots, because I’m just as screwed up as the next person,” she said. “Depending on what day of the week it is, even more so.”

  “You’re not fucked up. You’re amazing,” he said quietly. “I don’t know if I’ve ever said that to you before. That first day I tried to pick you up and you knocked me back? That was the luckiest day of my life because it made me slow down and talk to you and get to know you. And you’re worth knowing, Blue Sullivan.”

  Blue stared at the bedcover, blinking rapidly. Fighting back tears, he guessed.

  “You’re allowed to cry,” he said.

  “I’ve done my crying,” she said firmly.

  Of course, Blue would have a quota for her own tears.

  She knocked back the rest of her drink in one long swallow.

  “Thanks for that,” she said, turning to slide the glass onto the bedside table. “Just what the doctor ordered.”

  The movement caused the T-shirt to ride up her right thigh and his gaze got caught on the smooth expanse of skin on display. He wondered if she was wearing any underwear.

  God, he hoped not.

  His cock got hard as he remembered how slick and swollen she’d been last time, how she’d tasted, the way she’d driven her fingers into his hair and held him in place as he loved her with his mouth.

  He downed the remainder of his drink, too, and pushed himself to his feet.

  “I’ll let you get some sleep,” he said.

  “Thanks. For everything, Eddie.”

  He was pretty sure he’d deserve her gratitude a whole lot more if he wasn’t obsessed with what was hidden beneath the thin layer of white cotton she was wearing, but he nodded anyway.

  “I’ll leave the connecting door unlocked, in case you need anything,” he said.

  Her gaze was very steady on his face. “I won’t.”

  He collected her empty glass and took it through to his own room before shutting one of the connecting doors. He stripped immediately and hit the shower, letting the hot water ease the tension from his shoulders and neck. The heat didn’t do anything to dispel the tension in his cock, however, and he briefly considered making use of the moisturizer the motel so generously provided to take care of business for himself.

  He didn’t want to stroke himself to release in a shower cubicle, though. He wanted the smooth weight of Blue’s breasts in his hands. He wanted the tight heat of her pussy around his cock. He wanted to make her come until she begged him to stop. Then he wanted to hold her in his arms afterward and tell her that she didn’t always have to be strong, and that if she stumbled, he would catch her. Every time.

  He turned off the shower and grabbed a towel, drying himself before walking into the bedroom. The sheets were starchy-stiff against his skin as he settled between them, and he reached out to flick off the light.

  He stared at the ceiling, desire and hope tugging at him. Despite what he’d said to his brother, he couldn’t help wondering what would happen if he got up now and went next door. Would Blue reject him? If he told her what he was thinking, how he was feeling, would she listen, or deny him in the same way that she’d denied herself the comfort of tears today?

  He thought about Blue, about everything he knew about her — her toughness, her personal code of honor, the way she lived — and he knew, down to his bones, that if he went next door right now, she would turn him away. She’d throw every failed relationship he’d ever had back in his face. She’d remind him of his short attention span, his inability to commit. She’d back herself into a corner and do everything but draw a gun on him to protect herself.

  If he wanted her — and he did — he was going to have to be patient. He was going to have to jungle-crawl beneath her defenses. He was going to have to prove himself.

  He closed his eyes. He’d waited ten years for Blue. He’d wait another ten if he had to.

  Because she was worth it, and more.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Blue punched her pillow into a different shape and tried to find a cool patch of cotton to rest her cheek against.

  Everything felt wrong. The sheets were scratchy, the mattress too soft, and even though she wanted nothing more than to give herself up to the blessed forgetfulness of sleep, her brain wouldn’t stop working.

  She kept going over the events of the day, moments unrolling like a movie in her mind: Eddie getting out of the car this morning, revealing his new GQ haircut; Sienna’s hand curving protectively over the back of her little girl’s head; the pictures of Alice at the wake, her crooked smile and straight-down-the-barrel gaze evident in every one; the warmth and pressure of Eddie’s hand on the small of her back as they entered the funeral home; the haunted desperation in Jonah’s eyes as he told her about his recent brush with the law.

  It was too much, all of it. The grief, the helplessness of her fellow foster kids, the never-ending battle she was constantly fighting with herself to stop herself from wanting E
ddie.

  The need that was throbbing deep in her pussy right now because she knew he was lying next door, only a few inches of plaster and wood away.

  She rolled onto her belly and pushed her face deep into the pillow. Then she rolled onto her back and kicked the sheets and blankets away viciously, not stopping until they were bundled at the foot of the bed in a tangled heap. Panting and tense, she lay on the mattress, trying to ignore the siren’s song whispering in her ear.

  Eddie will make it better. Eddie will make you feel so good. Eddie will make it all go away.

  He would, too. If she went next door, he would make her body sing. He’d gift her with his beautiful, thick cock, and everything else would fade away.

  She wanted that so badly right now, wanted something to keep the darkness at bay. The memories.

  She didn’t want to be dragged back into all the bad old stuff. Didn’t want it in her head. Her life was good now. She had friends, she had Eddie and Raf, Lena and Maggie. The gang at Brothers Ink.

  Her life was good.

  She squeezed her eyes tightly shut, but it didn’t stop the tears from closing her throat and burning the backs of her eyes. She felt a sob forming, felt her diaphragm and belly tensing.

  “Fuck this.”

  She scrambled to the edge of the bed and stumbled to her feet. She could hear herself breathing in the darkness. She gave herself another long beat to change her mind, then she moved toward the dividing door.

  The doorknob moved silently beneath her hand. She stepped into Eddie’s room and stood blinking in the darkness, trying to get her bearings. Slowly she discerned the deeper shadow that was the bed. She took a step forward, her hands going to the hem of her T-shirt.

  She pulled it over her head, letting it fall to the ground as she reached the bed. It took her a moment to find the edge of the covers, then she lifted them and crawled onto the mattress.

  Eddie lay in the middle on his back, and she slid on top of him, almost sobbing with gratitude when she discovered he was naked.

  “Blue.”

  His voice sounded sleepy, low. She found his arms, sliding her hands down his forearms to capture his wrists. She pushed her face into the soft skin beneath his ear, breathing in the good, clean smell of him. Sucking it deep.