Love Left Behind

by S. H. Kolee

  "What the hell are you doing here?" I hadn't noticed Sean's mother sitting in a chair against the wall, but she stood when she saw me, trembling with anger.

  "Mrs. Somers. I'm sorry to be intruding. But I...I heard what happened and I wanted to see Sean."

  Mrs. Somers stalked towards me, her fists clenched and her eyes flashing with anger. I wondered if she was going to physically strike me. I felt sadness that this woman whom I had been closer to than my own mother now hated me. But I didn't blame her. Especially now.

  "Get out of here, you bitch! This is your fault. How dare you come in here like you haven't done anything wrong!"

  "Mom, stop!"

  We both turned to Sean when he spoke, his voice sounding thready and weak.

  "Mom, can you leave us alone? I want to talk to Emma by myself."

  "Sean-" his mother protested but he put up his hand.

  "Mom, please. I'm not made of glass. I'm not going to break." Sean's mouth turned down at the corners when he considered his words, but then continued. "You're exhausted. Why don't you go get a cup of coffee or something? I'll be fine."

  Mrs. Somers looked unhappy but she nodded, glaring at me on her way out. I sat down in the chair next to the bed, my hands clenched in nervousness.

  "This isn't how I imagined we'd meet again," Sean said. I saw a glimmer of the old Sean with his self-deprecating smile.

  "Me neither," I said with a weak smile. "Sean, I'm so sorry about everything. I know this is my fault-"

  "Stop, Emma," Sean said with a frown. "Everyone seems to be saying it's their fault. But it's not true. It's my fault."

  I let out the breath I had been holding. "Are you saying that what you did had nothing to do with me leaving you?"

  Sean looked at me, his blue eyes sad. "I can't lie and say that it didn't, even if it would save you some pain. I haven't been the same since you left. But that's my fault. I haven't been coping well."

  "I know I handled everything badly. I shouldn't have waited until the last minute. I should have told you sooner. I was just too scared and cowardly."

  "Did you ever love me, Emma?" Sean looked so vulnerable that my heart ached.

  "I did, Sean. But I loved you more like a friend. I still care about you. I always will. You were my best friend for ten years. It hurts me to think that you would..." I trailed off, not being able to finish the sentence.

  Sean looked away from me bleakly, staring into space. "I've become someone I don't recognize. Everything just seems so hard now. I don't know how to be happy anymore, and that's worse than feeling pain. At least with pain, I still feel like I'm alive. The absence of happiness...it makes me feel empty. The emptiness is harder to bear than anything else."

  Tears were running down my face and I wrapped my arms around my waist, feeling sick from Sean's words. The glimpse of the old Sean I had seen earlier was gone. He was wooden and lifeless again.

  "Sean, you can be happy again. I wasn't good for you. I was too selfish, only thinking about myself. You deserve better than that."

  Sean turned to me, looking sad. "But what if I don't want better?"

  The door opened and Mrs. Somers came back in, her face grim as she watched the scene before her.

  "I think you've been here long enough. Sean needs to rest."

  I nodded as I stood, but I was stopped by Sean's hand grabbing my wrist, his grip surprisingly strong even in his weakened state.

  "Will you visit me again? I have a feeling I'm going to be in here for a while." Sean's eyes were looking at me plaintively and I couldn't refuse.

  "Sure. I'm going to be in town for a few days so I'll stop by again."

  Sean didn't loosen his grip. "Tomorrow. Please come tomorrow."

  I nodded and Sean released me, leaning back against his pillow and looking exhausted. Mrs. Somers followed me out of the hospital room, cornering me in the hallway.

  "If it wasn't for Sean, I would make sure you were banned from visiting him again. You've ruined his life. Did you know he quit his job? He was barely able to function after you left him, so he's living with me now. He had so much potential, so much hope." Her eyes darkened, pinning me in place. "Don't you dare do anything to upset him. Even with all the crap you've put him through, he still has you on a damn pedestal."

  "I'm sorry, Mrs. Somers," I said, not knowing how else to reply to her scathing words. I was heartbroken by the revelation that Sean had quit his job. "Is he going to be okay? My mother told me there's a chance that he won't walk again."

  She shook her head, the fierceness leaving her eyes as they dulled with pain. "The doctors aren't sure. There are significant spinal injuries and it's too soon to tell." Her eyes were intense again as she glared at me. "Don't say anything to Sean about his legs. He doesn't know that he might not be able to walk again. He just thinks that the numbness is temporary, and that he'll be able to feel his legs again. It's too much for him right now to know that he might be stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of his life."

  I nodded, even though I didn't agree with keeping it from Sean, but I was in no position to judge.

  I went home and spent most of the afternoon sitting in front of the TV although I barely paid attention to it. My mother was keeping her distance, seemingly unable to deal with all the emotional turmoil. Ever since my father died, she had done everything she could to avoid messy emotions.

  I had to wait for Jackson to call me since he was flying into L.A. today. We had only spoken briefly the night before because I had been exhausted from the flight and the stress of everything that had happened. I eagerly answered the phone when it rang and I saw his name flash across the screen.

  "Emma! How are you doing?" There was so much concern in Jackson's voice. I desperately wished I was with him right now.

  "I'm okay. I went to visit Sean today. He's in pretty bad shape."

  "I'm sorry to hear that. Do you know when you're coming out here?"

  "I'm not sure, Jackson. It's going to be a couple of days. I just want to make sure Sean's okay before I leave. Emotionally, at least. The last thing I want is for him to try something like this again."

  Jackson sighed, but didn't say anything. I tried to change the subject.

  "How was your flight? Are you excited about tomorrow?"

  "I just landed and I'm on my way to the apartment."

  "I'm so disappointed I won't get to see it with you," I replied glumly. We had only seen online pictures of our rental apartment and it depressed me that I wouldn't be there with Jackson to see it for the first time.

  "Just stay on the phone with me, sweetheart. We can still be together when I go into the apartment, even if you're on the phone."

  I agreed eagerly and I laughed for the first time today when he took pictures from his phone and sent them to me, sticking his head into some of them. He moved from room to room, making comments about what he saw. We were both loathe to hang up, so we ended up spending hours on the phone. I listened to him order a sandwich when he ran out to a nearby deli and he waited while I heated up some leftover chili my mom had made. We ate together, talking about all the different things we were going to do when I first got to L.A. We even watched TV together, although we couldn't match up the shows because of the time difference. Instead, we took turns describing what we were watching.

  After six hours, we were both exhausted and agreed that it was time to hang up.

  "I'll call you tomorrow, sweetheart. Try to get some sleep. I love you."

  "I love you too, Jackson."

  I lay in bed for a while before I was able to fall asleep, feeling a sense of emptiness because Jackson wasn't next to me.

  The next few days fell into a pattern. I would visit Sean in the hospital and then mope around the house until Jackson called. The calls came later and later as Jackson became busier, the time difference not helping. I knew he was growing more and more agitated when I kept pushing off my departure date. Sean's last words at the end of every visit was a plea for me to come back the next
day, and I found it hard to say no to him.

  Jackson reached his breaking point on Thursday.

  "What's going on, Emma? You've been there for five days. How much more time do you need?" His voice was straining with impatience. I knew I was being unfair by dragging this out, but I didn't have the heart to refuse Sean's daily request to visit him again.

  "Tomorrow," I said after a deep breath. "Tomorrow will be the last day I visit Sean. I'll look into flights leaving Saturday for L.A."

  "Thank God," Jackson said, sounding relieved. "I know you're trying to help Sean, but you're not obligated anymore. He has to get used to you not being in his life." His voice lowered, sounding hoarse. "I need you with me, Emma."

  "I need to be with you too. I'll let you know about my flight tomorrow."

  I woke up to a beautiful Friday morning, the sun shining through the window of my old bedroom that my mother had kept exactly the same. It had been hard to look at the pictures still tacked up on the bulletin board above my desk. There were so many of Sean and me, as well as Trisha. It reminded me that there had been plenty of happy moments in my past. I seemed to have forgotten that in the rush to escape my old life.

  When I got to the hospital, Mrs. Somers met me in the hallway outside Sean's room. She was still distrustful, but she had been tolerating my presence since Sean was so insistent that I visit him every day. She looked shaken when she stopped me from going into his room.

  "He knows about his legs. Some stupid nurse let it slip and he's going crazy."

  I grimaced, even though I thought it was a mistake to keep the condition of his legs from Sean. That didn't mean I wanted to witness what the realization would do to him.

  "Be careful," Mrs. Somers warned. "He's not himself."

  I pushed the door open slowly and Sean whipped his head towards me. He laughed harshly when he saw the cautious look on my face.

  "Here to visit the cripple?" Sean's voice was snide, a tone I had never heard from him before, even when I had called off our wedding. He waved towards his legs, looking at them distastefully. "I'm sure you know that these things are useless. Everyone seems to know except me."

  "Sean," I said softly, approaching him slowly. He was like a wild animal that I didn't want to startle. "We didn't tell you because we wanted to protect you. And there's a chance that you can walk again."

  Sean's mouth twisted in a sneer. "You wanted to protect me? That's funny. You were the one to rip my fucking heart out."

  I breathed deeply, willing myself not to cry. The last thing Sean needed was for me to start blubbering. "I deserve that. But it's true. Your mother is so worried about you."

  "Where's my fucking father?"

  I didn't know how to answer that. Mrs. Somers had contacted Sean's father with the news, but he had simply said to keep him updated on Sean's condition. Apparently, he was too busy with his new wife and kids to give a damn.

  "I don't know, Sean, but your mother has been here night and day. I know you're angry right now, but please don't give up on the chance that you'll walk again. If anyone has the determination to get what he wants, it's you."

  The anger drained from Sean's face and he leaned against the pillow, looking exhausted. "But what I wanted was you," he whispered, closing his eyes. "I've known that since the first moment I first saw you in Biology class and you refused to dissect the frog on principle. I thought you wanted me too."

  I sat down on the chair beside the bed and bowed my head, tears streaming down my face unchecked. I remembered that moment as clearly as if it had happened yesterday. I had been arguing with Mr. Steiner, the biology teacher, about the ethics of dissecting a frog. Sean had joined in the argument, taking my defense, and I had been in awe of this cute boy with sandy brown hair and sparkling blue eyes taking up my cause.

  That boy was now a broken man, and I had been the one to break him.

  I sat there for a while, both of us silent. I wasn't sure if he had fallen asleep, but when I got up to leave, he opened his eyes.

  "Will you come back tomorrow?"

  I hesitated, not knowing how I could tell him that I was leaving. Especially now that he knew about his legs.

  "Sean," I started slowly. "I think it's time-"

  Sean grabbed my hand, startling me. I saw desperation on his face and felt it in his grip. "Emma, please don't leave me. I can't do this on my own. I need you, if only for a little bit longer. I don't know what I'll do if you leave me now."

  I couldn't tell him I wasn't coming back. Those pleading eyes had cared for me for so long, those hands had soothed me so often that I nodded before I even realized it.

  "Okay, Sean, okay. I'll be back tomorrow."

  Sean slumped back in relief and his eyes fluttered closed again. I stood there for a while as a realization came over me. I didn't have it in me to leave Sean while he was in this state. I didn't know what Jackson's reaction would be when I asked him for more time, but I steeled myself against the confrontation. Despite our history, despite the fact that we hadn't spoken for months except for one drunken phone call, Sean had been my best friend for most of my life. I owed it to him.

  When Jackson called me later that night, I was tense for the fight I knew we were about to have.

  "Hi, sweetheart!"

  "Hi, Jackson."

  "What time are you flying out tomorrow? There's this great Italian restaurant that I think you'll love. I was thinking that could be our first dinner here together."

  I struggled to find the right words to say, not realizing my silence was enough of an answer.

  "You're not coming tomorrow, are you?" Jackson said, his voice dropping.

  "Jackson," I pleaded. "Sean just found out that he might never walk again. He's crazy with despair and I can't leave him in this state."

  "Can't or won't?" Jackson's voice was dangerously soft, as if he didn't trust himself to speak any louder or he would lose it.

  "I wish I could leave! I miss you so much and I want to start our life together in L.A. But I can't do that knowing that Sean is here suffering so much, knowing that there's a chance that he could try and hurt himself again."

  "What are you saying?"

  "I just need some more time."

  "How much time?" Jackson asked, his voice strained.

  "That's the thing, I don't know," I answered quickly, trying to explain the situation. "The doctors don't know yet about his chances of walking again. Even with a good chance, it's going to take a lot of rehabilitation." I swallowed before I continued. The words I was about to say next hurt me as much as I knew they would hurt Jackson. "I think it's best if we put my moving out there on hold indefinitely. At least until I get a better handle on what's going to happen to Sean. I know it's a lot to ask, and I know you're upset, but I just can't leave now."

  I held my breath as I waited for Jackson to respond, growing more and more tense as the silence continued. I was about to break the silence when Jackson spoke, his voice harsh and low.

  "Don't do this, Emma. Don't fucking ruin us."

  "I'm not doing this to ruin us," I said quickly. "I just can't abandon Sean now. He was part of my life for ten years and he needs me right now. Please try to understand."

  "I understand. I understand that you're throwing away everything we have because you feel guilty. You feel guilty because you practically left him at the altar. You feel guilty because you pretended to be in love with him for all those years, when in reality, you could have fucking cared less. Now you're trying to make yourself feel better. This is about you, not Sean."

  "Jackson, please," I said, trying to talk through my tears. "I love you. And you're right. I do feel guilty. I have to make it up to him."

  "What about me?" Jackson rasped, his voice filled with pain. "What happens to me while you're making yourself feel better?"

  "I love you, Jackson," I said desperately. "Please, just give me time."

  "Time for what? Time for you to totally obliterate my heart? To crush me even more than I am now? In
stead of hurting Sean, you've chosen to hurt me."

  "Jackson," I sobbed. "Please. I love you. I'm not choosing Sean over you. He's just so weak right now."

  I didn't know what else to say, my guilt not allowing me to let go of Sean, but my love for Jackson making my heart shatter.

  "I need time to think, Emma. I need time to fucking think because I'm going crazy right now and all I want to do is yell and scream. I'll call you when I can talk to you without wanting to hurt you as much as you've hurt me."

  The phone went dead and it slid from my numb hand. I clutched the diamond pendant on my neck, as if it was the only thing keeping me sane and grounded in a world gone crazy.

  My mother wasn't home, so she didn't hear me sobbing until my body was weak from crying so violently. I felt as if my world was falling apart, and I had no one to blame but myself.

  I used to believe that you're never given more than you can handle. This theory was put to the test on Saturday when I was awoken from a restless sleep by the ringing of my cell phone. I had dreamed constantly of Jackson, his face angry and full of pain. I grabbed my phone, hoping it was Jackson, but was bitterly disappointed when I saw it was a number I didn't recognize.

  "Hello?"

  "Emma, it's Mary. Get to the hospital as soon as possible. Sean tried to kill himself again last night."

  Mrs. Somers words had me jumping out of bed, my heart beating frantically as I ran to the living room and grabbed my mother's car keys from the coffee table.

  "How is that possible?" I exclaimed, the phone still to my ear as I grabbed my purse. "How could he try to kill himself in a hospital? Aren't they watching him?"

  "He broke a plastic spoon and tried to slash his wrists with the sharp edge. Please, just hurry. He's not responding to anything I'm saying. He's not responding to anyone."