Love Left Behind

by S. H. Kolee

  Jackson's request was dangerous. It was dangerous to forget that this was the man who had shattered my heart. But I couldn't deny his plea because I also hungered to just talk to him. Five years was a long time and I couldn't carry the burden of his infidelity forever.

  "Okay," I agreed with a guarded smile.

  Jackson's shoulders slackened as if tension had been released from his body. He gave me a genuine smile that reminded me so much of the old days that I felt an ache. "Great. Tell me why you moved back to New York."

  "I got a job offer here and it was too good to pass up. I was working at an ad agency in D.C. but it was a much smaller company." I paused, not wanting to be the only one sharing details. "So, how does it feel being a big celebrity?"

  The sound of Jackson's rumbling laughter made my chest tighten, the familiarity of it painful. It reminded me that there had been a time when we shared everything, and his laughter had been a constant in my life.

  "It's not what I expected it to be. I wish I could act without the whole fame thing. It's tiring and it gets old really fast."

  "Still, it must be nice to have the whole world in love with you. Just the other day, I overheard two women in a shoe store swooning over you."

  Jackson's smile vanished and his face darkened. "It's an artificial life in an artificial world. People don't love me. They love the fantasy of me."

  I nervously fidgeted with my coffee cup, not knowing how to respond to Jackson's glum outlook.

  "Enough of my moaning about life as a celebrity," Jackson said. lightening the mood. He paused while our waitress set his plate full of eggs and breakfast meats on the table. "How do you like living on the Upper West Side? It's probably a big change from the East Village."

  "It has a lot more families and a lot less hipsters. I like it. It's a lot cleaner, at least." I watched Jackson digging into his food with relish, jet lag seemingly not affecting his appetite. "What about you? Do you have a place in New York?"

  "I do. It's easier than staying in a hotel room since I spend so much time here."

  "I didn't realize that. Are you still friends with Nathan and Mia?" I had lost touch with both of them after Jackson and I had broken up, although Mia had made efforts to remain friends. It was just too hard and too painful to be reminded of Jackson and I had wanted to sever all ties.

  "Yes. They actually both live in California now, but in San Francisco. Nathan's pretty big in the art world over there and Mia concentrates on writing instead of acting. They're actually a couple now although they claim they'll never get married."

  "I always thought they would be great together," I said with a genuine smile. It made me happy to think that Nathan and Mia had finally realized that they cared about each other as more than just friends. It had always been apparent to everyone except them. "I'm happy to hear that."

  "What about you? Are you with someone?" Jackson didn't look up from his plate as he asked the question.

  Jackson's question made me uncomfortable and I decided I was done with pretending everything was okay between us. "Jackson, I don't think it's a good idea to talk about our dating life. We're fooling ourselves sitting here, making pleasantries. Please just ask me your questions."

  Jackson sighed and leaned back, pushing his plate away from him. "Fine." He looked at me intently, as if he didn't want to miss a single reaction. "The other night at your apartment, you said you lied about leaving me because you wanted to be with Sean."

  I nodded, not understanding why Jackson kept harping on this point. He should have been grateful that I had given him an out so that he could be with Claire. She had told me herself that they had realized they were in love once I was out of the picture. I was desperately curious about what had happened between them because it was obvious they weren't together now, but I would never give him the satisfaction of asking.

  "That's the part I can't get over," Jackson said, looking pained, his hand on the table curling into a fist. "Did you actually love me or was our relationship a joke to you?"

  "How can you even ask me that?" I asked in a strained voice. "I was moving to L.A. for you. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. But the guilt over Sean and you giving up your big break was making me crazy. Maybe it was selfish of me, but I couldn't carry the burden of that guilt."

  Jackson rubbed his face with his hand, looking bleary-eyed. "What a waste. What a fucking waste. You just threw away everything we had because you were feeling guilty."

  I felt anger start to rise at his accusatory tone. If it hadn't been for my guilt, I would never have found out about him and Claire. "Was there really much to throw away?"

  "How can you say that?" Jackson hissed furiously. "We had everything and you just gave up on us!"

  "I thought you were going to ask me new questions, not just rehash the old ones," I said coldly, stone-faced. "There's no point to this meeting if this is what our conversation is going to amount to."

  "I want to know who told you about Claire."

  I wanted to start laughing hysterically. "So we are just rehashing the same shit over and over again. I already told you who told me. She did! Is your memory that bad that you don't remember? Or was it that meaningless to you?" I would never forget the pain of hearing Jackson's voice in the background, and his refusal to talk to me. I had never believed him to be a coward, but he had proven to be one that day.

  "When? When did she tell you?"

  "That's it. I'm leaving." I moved to stand up, but Jackson grabbed my wrist, trapping me at the table. I glared at his hand on me. "So is this how you do it now? Are you so used to getting everything that you want, that you think it's perfectly acceptable to manhandle me?"

  Jackson let go of my wrist but I didn't stand up. I noticed the curious glances of patrons near us and I didn't want to draw any more attention towards us.

  "Just one night."

  My head shot up to stare at him, not wanting to believe what I thought he meant. His green eyes glittered as his gaze bored into me, and I knew that I wasn't mistaken.

  "You must be crazy if you think I'd let you touch me again."

  "Think about it, Emma. Just one night to get each other out of our systems. I acted like a Neanderthal at your apartment the other night, but I know you felt something. We can just have one night to release us."

  I shook my head, but I couldn't deny my body's response to his words. I felt tingles and my lower body clenched in anticipation. It was as if I was a drug addict salivating for my first fix in years. I prayed that my will was stronger than my physical desire.

  "I don't think that's a good idea, Jackson. We'll just end up hurting each other again."

  Jackson took my wrist again, but this time gently, rubbing his thumb over my sensitive pulse point. "Do you remember how good it was between us, sweetheart? I've never felt so alive as when I was inside you. We can have that for one more night. Just one night and we'll free ourselves from the ghosts of our past."

  Jackson's endearment tore at me. I had hungered for the sound of his voice calling me sweetheart and finally hearing it weakened my resolve. Maybe this was what I needed to exorcise the demons. Being apart from him certainly hadn't lessened my desire for him. Maybe one night would satiate my need and free me, just as Jackson suggested. A part of me knew I was fooling myself. That I was making excuses and I was putting my heart in danger. But my desire was too great and I decided to ignore the warning voice inside my head.

  "One night," I agreed softly, looking up at him. His grip on my wrist tightened and I saw desire harden his face.

  "Let's get out of here." Jackson pulled out his wallet and threw some bills down on the check the waitress had dropped off earlier with the food.

  "But...it's still daylight!" I protested, wanting the cover of night for our illicit agreement.

  "I've waited five years," Jackson said, looking determined. "I'm not waiting a single goddamned minute more."

  I let Jackson guide me out of the diner and into a cab, speechless as
he told the cab driver to take us to the nearby W hotel in Union Square. I wondered why we weren't going to his apartment, or even mine, but I thought maybe Jackson was trying to keep this separate from our real lives. He was smart. He was thinking ahead about what would happen after today. It still stung a little to know that he didn't want me to enter any part of his world, including his apartment.

  I stood silently beside Jackson as he asked for the biggest suite available and handed over his credit card, embarrassed that it would be obvious to the hotel clerk why we only wanted a room for one night with no luggage. The W hotel wasn't the type of place where you paid by the hour for discreet assignations. It was a lush and beautifully decorated hotel and I almost choked when I heard the clerk inform Jackson that the room rate for one night was almost two thousand dollars but he just nodded his approval. It made me realize the drastically different worlds we were living in, but I would forget about that for one day.

  We were silent as the elevator quietly took us to the twentieth floor and I wordlessly watched Jackson open the room with the keycard. I marveled at the size and elegant design of the suite. You could fit my entire apartment in the suite three times and still have room to spare. The large glass windows looked out onto Union Square, the sun streaming in and making the space feel light and airy.

  Jackson walked over to a bar tucked away in the corner and took off his cap, throwing it on top of the bar. He pulled out two glasses and filled them with vodka and tonic. He approached me with an intent look on his face, but he simply handed me a glass.

  "Cheers," he said softly, gently clinking his glass against mine. I drank deeply, wanting the alcohol to give me courage because I could feel my apprehension growing. But I knew there was no way I was walking out the door now.

  "Easy," Jackson soothed, pulling my glass down from my mouth before I drained it. "I'd hate for you to pass out and miss it all."

  His soft smile made me forget everything except that I wanted him. Whether it was right or wrong, whether I was demeaning myself by giving my body to someone who had deceived me in the past, I was willing to forget all that for today.

  Jackson set our glasses down on a nearby table and grasped both my hands, drawing me towards him.

  "Emma-" he started, but I shook my head, silencing him.

  "No words. Words just get us into trouble. Let's just feel today. It's enough."

  Jackson complied, pulling me close and gently brushing my cheek with the back of his hand, but tenderness was the last thing I wanted from him now. I wanted him to be forceful like he had been before at my apartment. His gentleness would be my undoing.

  So I took the initiative, grasping his neck with one hand and pulling his head down, not hesitating as I drew his mouth over mine. Jackson seemed to understand what I wanted as his tenderness dissolved into a ferocity as he devoured my mouth, our tongues tangling together in a seductive dance. He gripped the back of my head with one hand, trapping it for the onslaught of his mouth, and I shuddered, kissing him back just as hard.

  I whimpered in protest when he broke the kiss but then moaned in pleasure when his lips trailed down my neck, leaving a damp path where his mouth had been. When Jackson grasped my buttocks and lifted me, I automatically wrapped my legs around him as he carried me into the bedroom. He laid me gently onto the bed and straightened, pulling his t-shirt over his head. I reached up, studying his sleek muscled chest with my hands. He had gotten harder over the past five years, more clearly defined. I reveled in the feeling of the smooth warmth of his skin stretched over steel, wanting to taste it. I leaned up and flicked my tongue over his flat nipple, satisfaction rippling through me when Jackson groaned. When I continued working my mouth down to his stomach, Jackson gently pulled away and I looked up at him, confused.

  "Sweetheart, I'm about to lose it in my jeans right now, so I suggest I take the lead, otherwise this is going to be over really quick."

  My chest squeezed at his endearment and I pulled his head down, hungrily kissing him as I ran my hands down his back. I wanted to silence his words. I didn't want to pretend that we were something we weren't.

  Jackson grasped the bottom of my shirt, breaking the kiss as he pulled it over my head. His eyes flared as he looked down at me and I flushed when he pulled one of the cups of my bra down, exposing an aching hard nipple. He ran his thumb over the stiff peak and I mewled at the arrow of pleasure that went through me. He gazed at me, his eyes locking with mine.

  "I'm not dreaming, am I?"

  I shook my head, reaching my arms behind me to unhook my bra, freeing my breasts heavy with arousal. Jackson's eyes glittered as he drank me in, the rosy tips of my breasts hardening even more under his gaze.

  "Please," I said, pulling his head towards my nipples, crying out when he captured one in his hot mouth, tugging hard, making wetness rush in between my legs. He suckled my nipple, laving his tongue around the aching nub while he rolled my other nipple between his fingers, making me lift my hips in a wordless plea. Jackson took the invitation, moving his lips down my body and sliding my shorts and panties down my legs, tossing them aside.

  He languorously licked the crease where my thigh met my hip and my wet core flexed convulsively, anticipating the approach of his mouth. My legs came together of their own accord, the promise of pleasure almost too painful to bear. Jackson gently pulled them apart, pinning them against the bed so that I was laid fully bare to him.

  Jackson watched me as he flicked the swollen center of my arousal with his tongue and I couldn't contain my cry. He slowly inserted a finger into me, my wetness giving him easy passage, as he continued suckling on my aroused bud. My hips shot off the bed and I made sounds of desperation as I felt the tension mounting, taking me to the brink. When Jackson inserted another finger inside me and started thrusting in and out as he continued his assault with his mouth, I couldn't take any more and keened in pleasure, almost sobbing from the sensations flowing through me. Jackson gripped my hip with his free hand to keep me in place and continued to thrust into me with his fingers, his mouth still latched onto my swollen bud until the last waves of release passed through me.

  I tried to catch my breath, feeling as if I now wanted to sob with pain instead of pleasure. The rightness of Jackson being between my legs, loving me with his mouth, was almost too much to bear because I knew that love was fleeting.

  Jackson saved me from thinking, stretching up to kiss me gently. I kissed him back thoroughly, the taste of myself on his mouth arousing me. I reached down, unbuttoning his jeans and undoing the zipper, pulling his jeans down as much as I could along with his underwear.

  "Let me help you with that," Jackson said with a grin, standing momentarily to peel off the rest of his clothes. I caught my breath at the beautiful sight of Jackson naked before me. His body was a study of masculine perfection, only surpassed by his heartbreakingly beautiful face. His erection jutted out impressively and my legs parted in response. Even though Jackson was smiling, I could tell he was straining to take things slow.

  "Jackson," I breathed softly. "I need you inside of me."

  Jackson jaw tightened as he grabbed my hips, lifting them from the bed. "Sweetheart, I promised myself I would go slow but I don't think I can."

  I saw a muscle in his cheek twitch and I could see the corded muscles in his arms straining against his desire. I reached up, stroking his cheek with my hand and he leaned into my caress, closing his eyes. "I don't want you to go slow. I need you so badly."

  Jackson groaned as he opened his eyes, his gaze pinning me as he guided the head of his erection into my wet folds. I gasped as he started to stretch me. It had been a long time since my last sexual encounter and I was tight even though I was dripping wet. I saw Jackson struggling to slow down as he felt the resistance, but I needed to feel possessed by him so I raised my hips, pushing him in deeper.

  "Emma," he rasped. "Careful, you're too tight. We need to go slow or I'm going to hurt you."

  "Please, Jackson," I begged, w
anting the discomfort as much as the pleasure. Anything to have him fully sheathed inside of me. I lifted my hips again, pushing him in more, and Jackson lost it. He plunged the rest of the way into me, entering so deeply into me that I felt that head of his shaft hit the end of me. I cried out, pain mixing with pleasure.

  "Shit. Are you okay?"

  I wrapped my legs around Jackson, the discomfort fading until I just felt the fullness of him. "I'm more than okay. Fuck me, Jackson."

  Jackson groaned as he started moving inside of me, thrusting in and out of me with a force that had the headboard slamming against the wall. He trapped my hands above my head with his, pumping his hips fiercely as he slammed into me again and again, until I felt the pressure mounting deep inside me. I was on the brink of climax when I made a horrified sound.

  "What is it?" Jackson bit out through gritted teeth, the strain of stopping making him tremble. "Am I hurting you?"

  "A condom!" I gasped, not believing that we had forgotten such an important detail. "You're not wearing a condom."

  Jackson shook his head. "I can't stop now to put on a damn rubber." He was already starting to move inside me again and despite my horror at our carelessness, my body was still responding.

  "Jackson." It was an effort to speak, my words interspersed with mewling sounds of pleasure, my body intent on finding its release. "I'm on the pill but we should still be safe." I didn't know what exactly Jackson had been up to these past few years, but the little I had glimpsed in the tabloids was enough to make me want Jackson wearing a condom.

  "Sweetheart, I'm clean. I can't stop now. It...feels...too...damn...good." Jackson was straining even more and I knew he was close. I decided to throw caution to the wind and accept that we weren't using a condom, but I still wanted to make at least one concession to safety even if it wasn't foolproof.