Light and Dark

by Natsume Soseki

  This time Tsuda blurted his reply as though he were echoing her voice.

  “I have no idea. It’s a mystery. No matter how hard I think about it, I come up with nothing.”

  “She just up and married Seki-san suddenly?”

  “That’s right. And ‘suddenly’ doesn’t begin to do it justice. It happened so fast it was flabbergasting. Before you knew it, she was already married.”

  “Who was flabbergasted?”

  Tsuda wondered how any question could be so meaningless. What difference did it make, except to satisfy her nosiness, who was flabbergasted? But the lady halted there and didn’t budge.

  “Were you flabbergasted? Was Kiyoko-san flabbergasted? Maybe you were both flabbergasted?”

  “I wonder—”

  Tsuda felt compelled to consider. The lady moved ahead of him.

  “Wasn’t Kiyoko-san content with what happened?”

  “I wonder—”

  “For goodness sake, stop wondering! I’m asking how it appeared to you, how Kiyoko-san appeared to you at the time? Didn’t she appear content?”

  “Now that you mention it—”

  The lady turned on him a look of contempt.

  “Welcome to the real world. Wasn’t it that you were flabbergasted because Kiyoko-san was content?”

  “Possibly.”

  “And how do you intend to resolve that feeling you had at the time—feeling flabbergasted?”

  ‘There’s no way to resolve it.”

  “But the truth is you’d like to?”

  “I would—I’ve thought about various things to do.”

  “And you’ve figured it out?”

  “Not at all. The more I think about it, the less I understand.”

  “Does that mean you’ve given up thinking about it?”

  “I can’t help myself.”

  “So you think about it even now?”

  “That’s right.”

  “There. What did I tell you? That’s the attachment I’m talking about!”

  The lady had finally maneuvered Tsuda into just the place she wanted him.

  [ 140 ]

  HER GROUNDWORK virtually complete, Madam sensed that the moment to reveal herself was at hand. She began obliquely.

  “In that case, how about behaving in a more manly way?”

  “Not again!” Tsuda thought.

  All along she had been exhorting him to “act like a man,” to stop being “unmanly,” and each time he heard the phrase he had dismissed her derisively to himself. He wondered skeptically what she meant by “manly.” It was evident that she used the insult arbitrarily and with no particular basis whenever she wished to put him down for the sake of her own convenience.

  “In a manly way? What must I do to become manly?” he inquired with a strained smile.

  “Resolve your attachment, I reckon, clear your feelings. What other way is here?”

  “How do I do that?”

  “How do you think? What would you have to do?”

  “I have no idea.”

  Abruptly, the lady became vehement.

  “You’re such an idiot! How can you manage not to understand something as simple as that? Obviously there’s only one thing to do: meet her and ask.”

  Tsuda could think of nothing to say. It was one thing to decide a meeting was necessary and quite another to know how to arrange it—where and on what pretext? That needed resolving first of all.

  “That’s exactly why I took the trouble to come over here today.”

  Tsuda looked up involuntarily at the lady’s face.

  “I’ve been intending for some time to sound you out, and when Hideko-san showed up this morning about that other matter, I thought this might be a perfect opportunity, which is why I’m here.”

  Unprepared for this, Tsuda submerged into confusion. The matron observed him closely before she spoke again.

  “Don’t misunderstand. I’m me and Hideko-san is Hideko-san. I assume you realize that just because she asked me to come and see you doesn’t mean I’m entirely on her side. As I said before, no matter how it may seem, I sympathize with you.”

  “I know that.”

  Having brought this part of the conversation to a conclusion, the lady moved promptly to stage two along the way to reaching her main point.

  “Do you know where Kiyoko-san is now?”

  “With Seki, I imagine.”

  “Normally she would be. I’m asking if you know where she is right now. In Tokyo or out of town?”

  “I wouldn’t know.”

  “Take a guess.”

  Tsuda went silent, his expression indicating he was in no mood for guessing games. Whereupon there issued abruptly from Madam’s lips the name of a place he hadn’t expected to hear, a fairly well-known hot-springs resort less than one day’s journey from Tokyo that still resided in his memory. Recalling the scenery around it, he exclaimed, “Good heavens!” and stopped, lacking the presence of mind to say more.

  Madam Yoshikawa obliged him with a detailed explanation. According to her, the person in question was there to convalesce for an indefinite period of time. And she knew even more: when she had informed Tsuda that Kiyoko was there to regain her health following a miscarriage, Madam smiled at him pointedly. Tsuda sensed he had successfully interpreted the smile. But that wasn’t the issue before them now. Disinclined to add any comments of his own, he waited patiently to hear what she might have to say next. At that moment she leaped forward to her conclusion.

  “You should go there, too.”

  Tsuda’s feelings had been in play before he heard this. But even after her suggestion, he felt unresolved about going. Madam fanned the flames.

  “Just go. You won’t be making trouble for anyone. Just go and don’t make a fuss about it.”

  “I suppose I could—”

  “It’s not as if you haven’t always acted independently, so why should this be any different? And why weigh yourself down with baggage you don’t need like duty and consideration for others? Besides, in your condition it will do you good to take a little trip to the mountains when you get out of here. As I see it, your health alone is more than ample reason for going. So you really must. Go and bask in the sun as if you have a perfect right. And while you’re there, you can put an end to your attachment.”

  The lady further encouraged Tsuda by offering to pay his travel expenses.

  [ 141 ]

  RECUPERATING AT a comfortable spa with travel expenses paid and time away from work arranged by someone else would have appealed to anyone. For Tsuda in particular, this was a rare opportunity that seemed tailor-made for a man who tried to live his life as though its principal theme were his personal pleasure. He would have said that standing idly by as it slipped away would have been the height of foolishness. This was an opportunity, however, that came with a contingency that was by no means trivial. He bethought himself.

  The nature of the psychology holding him back was clear as day. But his very awareness of its manifest power prevented him from reflecting carefully on its meaning. On this head as well, the lady was a more reliable observer of his psychology than he. Seeing him appear to hesitate when she had assumed he would promise her to act at once, she spoke.

  “You’re dragging your feet even though in your heart you want to go, isn’t that so? If you ask me, that’s the worst of your unmanly traits.”

  Not so very disturbed by the accusation of unmanliness, Tsuda replied.

  “You may be right, but this requires some thought.”

  “Your addiction to thinking will come back to haunt you.”

  “I beg your pardon?” Tsuda exclaimed in surprise. Madam continued as if she hadn’t noticed.

  “At a time like this, a woman doesn’t think.”

  “Doesn’t that make me manly, then, since I’m a thinker?”

  The lady turned severe.

  “This is no time for wisecracks. What do you think you prove by putting someone down with words and nothing
more? Such foolishness! You’ve been to college and read all those books, and even so you’re invisible to yourself, it’s pathetic. In the end that’s why Kiyoko-san ran away on you.”

  “What are you talking about!” Tsuda protested again. The lady paid no attention.

  “Since you’re in a fog, let me explain. I understand perfectly why you don’t want to go. You’re a coward. You’re afraid to appear in front of Kiyoko-san.”

  “That’s not so. I—”

  “Hold on a minute—you want to say you’re courageous. But that’s not how it will come out—I bet you’ll say it’s a matter of saving face. And I say that carrying on about your pride is nothing more than cowardice. Think about it. Saving face is merely vanity. Or be kind to yourself and call it concern with how things appear on the surface. But once you’ve subtracted your deference to others and your concerns about what they’ll think, what do you have left? It’s the same as a young bride who pushes her food away because she thinks that eating will compromise her in the eyes of her parents-in-law even though no one has said a word.”

  Tsuda was appalled. But the lady’s tirade continued.

  “The trouble is, frankly, you’re too concerned about what everybody thinks, and that prompts you to bridle and dig in your heels when there’s no need. That stubbornness shows up in an odd way as infatuation with yourself.”

  Tsuda could only remain silent. The lady proceeded relentlessly to explain what she meant by his pride and conceit.

  “You’d like to maintain your superior silence forever. To sit there utterly still as if you hadn’t a care in the world. And yet inside you’re tormented by what happened. And try looking even deeper. You’re thinking, ‘If I just sit here this way some explanation from Kiyoko-san will arrive before long.’”

  “I’m thinking no such thing. How can you say that about me?”

  “What I can say is that you might as well be thinking that. What else can I possibly say if there’s no change in you somewhere?”

  Tsuda had lost the courage to resist. The lady sensed this at once and swiftly took advantage.

  “Goodness! What an audacious fellow you are! And I bet you think that audacity is crucial to getting ahead in the world?”

  “Not in the least.”

  “Au contraire! If you think I haven’t seen that yet, you’re making a big mistake. Besides, what’s wrong with it, I like audacity. So why not make use of yours now when it would stand you in good stead? Like a man. After all, I’m here to help you do just that.”

  “Make use of my audacity?” Tsuda said, changing his tone. “Is she there by herself?”

  “Of course.”

  “Where’s Seki?”

  “Seki-san is here. He has things to do here.”

  In the end Tsuda resolved to go no matter what might happen.

  [ 142 ]

  HOWEVER, ONE problem between them remained unresolved. Until they returned to it, their conversation wasn’t over. Before Madam could turn back, Tsuda had already arrived.

  “Assuming I do go, what about the other matter you mentioned?”

  “Exactly. I was just thinking of bringing that up. If you ask me, this will be the best treatment possible. Don’t you agree?”

  Tsuda didn’t respond. The lady prodded.

  “I assume you follow me? I needn’t say more?”

  Tsuda didn’t need an explanation to grasp in essence what she meant. But he had no substantial notion of what this could have to do with a treatment for O-Nobu. The lady laughed aloud.

  “All you have to do is play dumb. I’ll handle the rest.”

  “You will?” was all Tsuda said, but he had his doubts. Leaving things up to Madam would amount to entrusting O-Nobu’s fate to someone else. Already somewhat afraid of the lady’s cunning, he was left feeling apprehensive. It oppressed him to think he had no idea what she might do.

  “I don’t mind leaving things in your hands, but if you know the approach you’ll be taking, I want to hear about that.”

  “You don’t need to know. Just watch, I’ll teach O-Nobu-san how to be a better wife to you, a more wifely wife.”

  Tsuda knew that the O-Nobu who appeared to him was an incomplete picture of who she was. Which meant that the faults he perceived in her were not necessarily the same as those the lady chose to criticize. In the event, she appeared to be under the misapprehension that creating an O-Nobu that suited her was the way to produce the most appropriate wife for him. In addition, he had the feeling that if he stepped further into her thoughts, probed to the very bottom, he might surface with a terrible conclusion. It seemed at least possible that she might be contriving a means of tormenting O-Nobu simply because she didn’t like her. Perhaps she was preparing to teach the enemy a lesson on the sole basis of her dislike. Happily for her, insulated as she was against pressure from others and from herself to examine her own motives, she was not likely to be given pause. “O-Nobu’s education”—she had spoken the words without a second thought. Tsuda, who had never had the opportunity to see through the relationship between Madam and O-Nobu from the inside, lacked the qualifications to mistrust these words. In general, he proceeded on the assumption that Madam was sincere. When it came to how her sincerity would manifest itself, he was unable to put aside a certain fear.

  “You haven’t a thing to worry about. As the saying goes, ‘There are more ways than one to skin a badger.’ Watch and wonder.”

  Having declined to offer details no matter how many times Tsuda inquired, the lady delivered these condescending remarks as though she were instructing him.

  “There are ways in which that young lady is too taken with herself. And what you see doesn’t always correspond to what’s going on inside. On the surface she’s as polite as she can be, but in her heart she’s too sure of herself. And she’s too clever to show it, but she’s plenty conceited. All of that needs treating—weeding out.”

  Madam was in the middle of her untrammeled assessment of O-Nobu when the nurse’s voice reached them from halfway up the stairs.

  “Phone call for Yoshikawa-san from Mrs. Hori.”

  “Coming,” Madam responded, standing at once and, looking back at Tsuda from the doorway, “I wonder what she wants?”

  Going downstairs to take the call that had puzzled them both, she was back a minute later and spoke as she entered the room.

  “Goodness! I’m glad she reached me.”

  “What is it?”

  Smiling, the lady settled herself before responding.

  “She called just to let me know—”

  “Know what?”

  “It seems O-Nobu-san was at O-Hide-san’s house until now. O-Hide-san called to let me know she had mentioned she might stop in at the clinic on her way home. She had just left—that was so considerate of her. I would have been mortified if O-Nobu-san had walked in just as I was criticizing her.”

  Having just seated herself, Madam stood again.

  “I’ll be on my way.”

  She appeared to be embarrassed at the thought of facing O-Nobu immediately following her conversation with Tsuda.

  “I’d better not be here when she arrives. Give her my best.” With this gesture in O-Nobu’s direction, Madam left the room.

  [ 143 ]

  BY THEN O-Nobu was already heading for the clinic.

  To reach the doctor’s office from Hori’s house, she had to walk east from the gate some two or three blocks and then cross the intersection at the main thoroughfare to the next street over. As she was approaching the corner, a trolley coming from the north stopped diagonally across the street. Happening to lift her head, she glanced at the window on her side without really looking and saw through the glass among the passengers the figure of a woman. From where she stood she was able to see only half or perhaps one-third of the woman’s profile, but what she did see made her gasp. She was struck instantly by the impression that she was looking at Madam Yoshikawa.

  The trolley pulled away at once, depriving O-Nobu
of the time she needed to confirm her impression. She stood for a while, watching it recede, then crossed to the east side of the street.

  From there her way lay along side streets only. Familiar with the geography of the area, she chose the shortest route to the clinic, turning now left, now right down narrow streets. But since her encounter with the trolley, her legs were feeling heavy. She had come to within a few blocks of the clinic when it occurred to her it might be better to go home first and set out again from there.

  She had left Hori’s place feeling disheartened. She had come away with the disagreeable feeling that by probing O-Hide frantically, she had only hurt herself. Part of her displeasure was frustration at having been allowed to catch the scent of what she was seeking though it remained hidden from her. Now she felt imbued even more deeply with the color of the uneasiness that scent had stirred in her. She was troubled most of all by the suspicion that it was her own vulnerability that had been detected and used to manipulate her, rather than the other way around.

  O-Nobu’s sensitive antennae had picked up more than this. She sensed that a plot against her was developing invisibly. Whoever the conspirators might be, one among them was certainly O-Hide. It was easily surmised that Madam Yoshikawa was also involved. Imagining this, she felt suddenly forlorn. From a distance she was assailed by a feeling of helpless isolation, a lone brigade cut off and surrounded by the enemy. She surveyed her surroundings. But there was no one there she could rely on except her husband. The first thing she must do was hasten to Tsuda. Though she had her doubts about him, she retained her confidence in herself. Ardently hopeful that, no matter what else might happen, her husband would never join the conspirators, O-Nobu had no sooner left Hori’s gate behind than her feet had turned as if on their own in the direction of the clinic.

  Now it had become necessary to contravene the effect of her thinking, and O-Nobu cursed from the bottom of her heart the streetcar she had run into on the way. If the person onboard had been Madam Yoshikawa, if Madam had paid a visit to Tsuda, if, following that visit—clever as she was, O-Nobu, unable to imagine what might follow, was at a loss to speculate. But there could be only one result. Her mind leaped from O-Hide to Madam Yoshikawa and from Madam to Tsuda. For no particular reason, she began to perceive them as all of a piece, a single whorl of being. Maybe they conduct a kind of electric current back and forth among them that I’m not allowed to feel.