by Donna Alward
She smiled. “Fred’s probably already asleep. His morning starts at five. Besides, he’s told me to stop by for a swim anytime I want.”
“And have you?”
“Not until tonight.” She grinned at him, feeling a little bit wicked. “Come on, Ethan. You, me, the moon, some soft grass, the cool water on our skin…”
He opened the door and the dome light came on. “Why the hell not,” he replied.
They shut the doors quietly, and darted under the gate and down the tractor path like guilty teenagers. She hadn’t felt this alive in ages. When was the last time she’d taken a risk? Had fun? Since she was seventeen, those young moments of daring had passed her by. She’d been too busy dealing with stuff to be silly or impulsive. Oh, it felt good, particularly when he took her hand and tugged her along with him, toward the bottom of the hill and the secluded spot that was to be their haven for a few hours.
The water lapped softly against the pebbled bank, and the light breeze whispered with a hush through the poplars, birches, and maples. They halted, and Willow took a deep breath. Now that they were here, she wondered who would make the first move. Ethan, too, paused, though he kept her hand in his.
Willow looked up, caught sight of the orangey harvest moon, and let the pull of her own sexuality guide her actions. Slowly, she released her hand from his, and took a step back. She was still in her yoga clothes, and it took little effort to slide the loose tank over her head. She slipped off her sandals and squeezed her toes in the coarse sand, then shimmied out of her leggings. Her bra was the next to go, and she felt the slight weight of her breasts as the soft mesh fell away. She put it on top of her other clothes and then slipped out of her panties, so that she was naked before him. Naked and feeling gloriously free, like Eve in the Garden of Eden.
“You’re beautiful,” Ethan murmured, his eyes wide with what she thought was wonder. When had anyone ever looked at her in that way before? “Like a moon goddess. And I’m the crazy fool who thinks he might have a chance with you.”
She smiled, so surprised and touched that she had to make a joke or else blurt out how she felt about him. “For a guy who seems so reticent, you’ve definitely been waxing poetic tonight.”
“Maybe I’m inspired,” he replied, too quickly for it to be a practiced comment. Her heart surged again.
And then once more as he pulled off his T-shirt, revealing his broad chest and the dusting of reddish-gold hair there. If she was a goddess, he was the Irish Faerie, seductive and sneaking past all her defenses. Tonight, in the moonlight, anything was possible.
His shorts followed his shirt, and his underwear, too. They were outdoors and utterly naked. No … not naked. Natural. There was a difference. And this felt so incredibly right. Last night had changed things. Tonight they would change again, and for once, Willow wasn’t terrified.
He held out his hand and she took it. Stepped closer to him, and they spent precious seconds touching each other; arms, backs, stomachs, breasts. He ran rough fingers over the soft skin of her bottom, and she reached down between them and ran her knuckles over his silkiness. They weren’t just touching, she realized. They were exploring each other, and it felt sublime.
When that wasn’t enough, he lay her down in the soft grass and kissed her, worshiping her with his mouth, and she closed her eyes, letting the rest of her senses take over during the sweet torture—the touch of his hands, warm and rough; the soft, wet heat of his tongue. The sound of the wind in the leaves and the gentle lap, lap of the water on the gravelly bank. A lonely loon somewhere on the river, its call echoing through the clear night. She reached out again and wrapped her hand around him, and his hips surged forward, welcoming her touch. Cool night air kissed their heated skin as their hands and mouths grew more impatient.
“Come into the river with me,” she said, just before licking his sternum. “I want to feel your hot body and the cool water on my skin.”
They got up and ran to the river, gasping only a little as they entered the water in long, purposeful strides. When Willow was up to her waist she stopped and pulled him closer. He lifted her and she wrapped her legs around him, pushing against his hips, seeking relief. He took them deeper into the water, until the soft waves crested her nipples, the difference in hot and cold only heightening her sensations. They kissed and groped, with more urgency and less finesse than before. And then Ethan let go of her with one hand, reached down between them, let her slide a bit, and slipped inside her.
She nearly came at the first contact, but the water and the position together made for an awkward rhythm. Ethan walked them back to the shore until he got to where the water came to his knees, then he lay her down in the water and positioned himself above her. The water slid over her body and made her hair pool out around her, but it was shallow enough she could brace her feet and meet him stroke for stroke. His hot mouth met her water-cooled breasts; she cried out as he rolled a pebbled nipple between his teeth. The rhythm got faster and waves were breaking now from the movement of their bodies, ebbing and flowing.
“Willow,” he said roughly, and she looked up to find him gazing at her with such intensity she felt it right in the heart of her soul.
“Ethan,” she acknowledged. Just Ethan. Just his name. That was all they needed. I see you. I know you. I love you.
Their gazes clung, thrust after thrust, and when they came apart together, something shifted inside her. An inevitability, an acknowledgment, a benediction.
And when they caught their breath again, they smiled at each other and Willow pushed herself farther out in the water, away from shore. She swam a few strokes, then dove beneath the surface, the refreshing cold washing away the weight of the past, making way for a hope for the future.
She surfaced and found Ethan a few feet away, equally wet, smiling like a fool.
She smiled back.
CHAPTER 18
It wasn’t until they’d dried off in the scratchy grass and were back in the SUV driving toward Darling that Willow’s stomach clenched.
In all the heated rush, in all the unexpected intimacy, neither one of them had thought about a condom.
She fought for logic. The chances of one time creating a pregnancy were so slim. Still, she’d been rash, foolish, reckless. And so had he. It wasn’t like either of them. And while she wanted to believe that being with Ethan was the best thing to happen to her in a long time, a little voice in her head nagged that if it was really and truly good, it would inspire good decision making and not poor.
Ethan Gallagher made her feel alive, and made her do rash things. The last time she’d been rash, it had nearly killed her.
Hold on, she reminded herself. One tiny mistake doesn’t negate years of work. Learn from it and move on.
“You got quiet all of a sudden.”
She looked over at him, his features illuminated by the dash lights. “Um … it just occurred to me that we didn’t use protection.”
His eyes widened as shock blanked his face. “Oh my God. Why didn’t I … it was in my wallet.”
“It’s okay. I’m sure once won’t … I mean, I’m not afraid of any STIs or anything.”
“But pregnancy…”
The knot in her stomach tightened at the sound of panic in his voice. “The chances are slim, Ethan,” she rationalized. “Let’s not borrow trouble.”
“But…”
He turned back and stared out the windshield, both his hands gripping the wheel. Her stomach flipped and flopped. Of course. Ethan had children. The last thing he’d want was a baby from a fling. He wasn’t that kind of guy. And she was single, with a business to run. A baby would complicate everything. Still, her feelings were hurt that he was so completely freaked out. His jaw looked so tight she wondered if his teeth would hurt tomorrow.
“We’re just getting started in our relationship. If you got pregnant … God, we were so stupid. I got so caught up in the whole sex outdoors thing. You dancing around like some wood fairy or something, and m
e too horny to think straight.”
The words hit her like a slap. While she knew they came from a place of fear, it also took the intense, deep feelings she’d had when they were together and negated them utterly. She’d felt a soul-to-soul connection; he’d been horny.
She had been, too. But there was more. And maybe she was alone with that part. Maybe he wasn’t so different after all.
“Sorry,” he said quietly. “I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. I’m sure it’ll be fine. Like you said, the chance of getting pregnant from one time is pretty small.”
And she thought of Laurel and Aiden who were already expecting, barely two months after their wedding. Thought of how it had only taken once when she was a teenager … was she still that fertile? Was he? The boys had been born close together.
They drove in silence for a few more minutes, the earlier spell utterly destroyed. He reached over and turned the radio on, down low, and the sound filled the heavy silence. Willow wanted to shrivel up and fly away, like a dry leaf on the wind. Earlier this evening they’d been face-to-face on the yoga mats, getting closer together by the minute. They’d connected in a way she hadn’t expected, and now he was shutting her out.
She stared out the window at the darkness. The old words circled around in her brain, fighting to be heard. Not good enough. A screwup. Unlovable. In her heart she knew it was all lies, but right now her head was telling her differently.
So hum, she said in her head, breathing deeply. I am. She was not good, or bad, or lovable or unlovable. She just was. And that was enough.
She’d repeat it as often as she had to, to believe it.
They were nearing Darling town limits when Ethan broke the silence. “You could always go to the drugstore for a morning-after pill.”
Her heart seized. It was the one thing she wouldn’t do. She clenched her teeth and tried to stay calm, but inside she was in total turmoil. What if … what if by tomorrow morning, she’d already conceived? She’d messed with fate once before and it had been devastating. There’d been so much guilt, so much sadness to overcome. She didn’t want a baby now, but if she and Ethan created one, she’d let nature take its course and not interfere. Not again.
“Willow?”
She looked over at him, unsure of what to say. He didn’t know about her teenage pregnancy, or the abortion that followed, or the years she’d spent dealing with the fallout. Not only was she not going to take the morning-after pill; she wasn’t going to ever allow anyone to dictate her choices ever again. The last time her mother had forced her to have the abortion, or at least, Willow hadn’t been strong enough to fight against it. This time the choice would be hers.
“What?”
“I said, you can take the morning-after pill. I mean, that’s what it’s there for, right?”
“Right,” she agreed, answering his question but technically not agreeing to any such action.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t thinking straight. What I said before … I didn’t mean it. It just freaked me out. Getting pregnant would blow the hell out of taking it slow. And the boys…”
“I get it, Ethan. Everything is just too soon. There’s no sort of commitment between us, and an unplanned pregnancy would be a disaster.” She wanted to mean the words. She did. And logically she knew the timing couldn’t be worse. And yet a little part of her wondered if it might be a second chance.
For the love of Pete. She was thinking this way and it hadn’t even been an hour. Talk about borrowing trouble!
“Well, that’s good then.” He visibly relaxed, his white-knuckle grip on the wheel loosening and his shoulders relaxed.
They got to her apartment and he pulled into the back parking space, next to her little car. When he moved to unbuckle his seatbelt, she put out her hand. “I’m tired, Ethan. And I’ve got to open in the morning.”
He met her gaze, and she hated that he looked both confused and hurt. “Are you upset, Willow? Because it’s going to be fine.”
“I know.”
“Are you angry with me? I’m sorry I forgot, truly. And I blurted out stuff I didn’t mean…”
“I’m not angry, Ethan. The responsibility was as much mine as yours, so why would I be mad at you? It’s just been a crazy night, and I need to sleep on it. Plus I really do have to open in the morning.”
It was the first time in many years that’s she’d lied to someone’s face. She didn’t like that about herself, either. But right now she could only deal with one thing at a time, and memories were crowding in her mind, clouding her judgment.
“Okay. As long as you’re sure you’re okay.”
“I am.” She fake-smiled at him. “Promise.”
“You’ll go to the pharmacy tomorrow morning?”
The question was like a dagger to the heart. “I’ll look after it, Ethan.”
“Good.”
She leaned over and kissed his cheek. “I’ll talk to you soon, okay?”
He nodded. “I pick up the boys on Monday. Maybe we can get together then.” It wasn’t just her, then. Tonight had scared him too, and he was taking a step back from getting too close.
“I’ll let you know. I’ve been taking advantage of Emily. She might want a few extra hours off before the summer’s over. Just call or stop in, okay?”
“We’re okay?”
She nodded, on the verge of crying all of a sudden. Why couldn’t he just let her get out of the car and go?
“Good night, Ethan.”
She got out of the SUV and headed straight for the stairs, then turned at the top, pasted on a smile, and gave him a wave before putting the key in the lock and going inside.
She shut the door behind her and leaned against it, closing her eyes and fighting for breath. Her serenity was gone, broken. She’d fallen for him. The strong, tough, tender firefighter with two motherless boys. She’d done what she always ended up doing—nurturing, trying to fix things. Assuring herself she’d be okay, and then falling apart the moment she started to lose herself. All it had taken was one time forgetting a condom and she was rudderless, wondering what to do next.
She wanted.…
She wanted …
That was just it. She slid down the door, sitting on the floor with her back against the cool steel. She’d taught herself to be in the moment, to be happy with what was, and live in the now. She’d accepted herself, and her flaws, and her good qualities, but she’d forgotten one thing. She hadn’t allowed herself to dream of the future. She’d satisfied herself with what she had because wanting more had always caused her grief.
And now she wanted more. And she needed to believe it was okay to want more for herself. What was wrong with wanting love, and a family? Did she even know how to not be alone? Had she worked so hard at being independent that she’d made it impossible to give herself to someone else?
Or was it worse than that? Was it that she didn’t know how to accept love when it was offered?
And what if, by some miracle, there was a baby? What then? Ethan wasn’t looking for another wife. He’d made that plain. And he certainly wasn’t in the market for a baby mama.
Tears stung her lids and she dropped her head. Her hair fell over her shoulder and she smelled the river water. The woman on the riverbank seemed a lifetime away. She’d been wanton, reckless, beautiful, resplendent. Not small and slightly broken.
She crawled up from her sprawled position and went to the “studio” part of the apartment. Instinctively she went to the small stereo, and put on her favorite harmonium and chant recording, then gently lay down in Savasana. She let the drone and the ancient chant wash away the insecurities and fear. Whatever came her way, she could handle it. She’d been through worse, and she was older and wiser.
And she could do it with or without Ethan Gallagher.
The recording stopped and she slowly opened her eyes, looked down at her tattoo, and smiled. Her story wasn’t over. Not by a long shot. Because even if she forgot all the other lessons she’d learned, one
remained.
She was a survivor.
* * *
Willow threw herself back into her work. The holiday weekend was a huge time for tourists to get away for one last bit of summer, and the café had a steady stream of customers looking for light lunches or snacks to take on outings and picnics. At least once an hour she overheard customers talking about heading to the Kissing Bridge, the town’s biggest tourist draw. Two by two they went to the stone structure and kissed, ensuring their love would last forever. All it did was remind Willow that things were unresolved between her and Ethan. Not from lack of trying on his part, though. He’d called three times already. Twice she’d let her voice mail answer, and the third time she’d picked up, hoping that talking to him would get him to cease and desist. Instead he’d asked her over for dinner.
She’d refused, even though it hurt. She might have considered it, except he was barely past the hellos when he asked her if she’d gone to the drugstore. She’d lied again and then felt horrible about it. And yet she couldn’t tell him the truth, because then he’d ask why, and that would open a whole Pandora’s box of issues she wasn’t ready to share.
She told him she’d call when she was ready. That things had moved a little too fast, and that the contraception issue had highlighted how they needed to slow down for a bit.
His silence had sliced into her like a paper cut.
Labor Day moved into back-to-school days. She and Emily conducted interviews and hired one full-time person and two part-time students to work the counter after school. Emily took over scheduling duties, while Willow adjusted the menu to more fall-like offerings: apple tarts, curried squash soup, heartier breads. She went back to her daily yoga practices, meditated, and started to run numbers for expansion, though her heart wasn’t really in it. She knew, deep down, that she was keeping busy to avoid dealing with her feelings for Ethan. And she knew it was the wrong approach. Her justification was that she’d wait for her period, and then once she knew for sure that they’d dodged a bullet, she’d figure out how she felt and then go to Ethan and talk it out.
