by Donna Alward
It was a good plan.
Except for two things. First of all, her best friend was married to Ethan’s brother, and her next-best-friend was Ethan’s sister. Neither of them was good at minding her own business, and Willow wasn’t comfortable sharing personal details.
Secondly, her period never came.
Willow rose the morning of September 10th and went to the bathroom as usual. Nothing. She checked her phone for her calendar, and she was four days late. That wasn’t a big deal at any other time; she was usually a few days either side. But she didn’t have any of the normal tweakiness in her back, or the burst of energy she normally got a few days before that had her cleaning and organizing. She sighed and fought the urge to go back to bed. The last few nights she hadn’t been sleeping as well as she normally did. Maybe she’d do her yoga tonight and try to sneak in another half hour of sleep.
When she woke again, it was because her phone was ringing. She reached for it groggily, knocking it off her end table before groping for it on the floor and hitting the talk button. “Hello?”
“It’s Em. Are you okay? It’s nine thirty.”
“Nine thirty? Oh God. I only meant to sleep an extra half hour.”
“Don’t worry about it. It’s just not like you, and I wanted to be sure you’re okay.”
“I’m fine, just a little tired.” But she knew that, too, was a fib. “Are you able to handle things until lunch? Since I’m already late, I might run a few errands if you’ve got it under control.”
“Take your time. Like I said, I just wanted to make sure you’re okay. Thought I could bring you some tea or soup if you were sick.”
Sick. She swallowed against a lump of fear. Few days or not, the stress of the current situation was taking a toll and she needed to know one way or the other. The surest way to do that was to do a pregnancy test. And she’d be damned if she’d buy the test at the Darling pharmacy.
“I’m fine. Text me if you need anything while I’m out. I’ll be back for the rush at noon. Promise.”
“No worries. Glad you’re okay. I’d better get back.”
Willow hung up the phone and flopped back onto the covers. Pregnant. Was it possible? The slim chance wasn’t feeling so slim anymore. She put her hand on her flat belly and wondered. Fear ran cold through her veins, but something else was there, too. Something that acknowledged that carrying a baby was a beautiful thing. And that if it was meant to be, she’d go through with it and the hell with the consequences.
She dressed and brushed her teeth and drove into Stowe, where not a soul would recognize her. She didn’t even wait to go home to take the test. She peed on the stick in a bathroom stall in a coffee shop, then sat in her car and waited for the results. Early fall was all around her—an empty school bus went by, businesses opened their doors to the warm temperatures but put potted mums on their stoops instead of petunias and geraniums. The sun had lost its summer harshness and its rays were gilded and soft. It was Willow’s favorite time of year, and she focused on it for a few minutes to give the stick time to form a definitive result.
She held her breath and checked it.
It was positive.
She was going to have a baby.
Her breath came out in a whoosh and she rested her head on the steering wheel. One time. Just once. She seriously had to have the most fertile eggs on the planet. How was she going to tell Ethan? He didn’t want a baby. They’d only been together twice. Twice! He had a family and wasn’t in the market for another.
And she’d lied to him. And now he’d know that she didn’t take a morning-after pill like she’d said she would.
For the first time in two weeks, she felt sick.
She needed to eat. The nausea wasn’t morning sickness, but instead emotional upheaval paired with an empty stomach. She took a few deep breaths and got out of the car again, and went inside the shop to buy a muffin and some milk. Once she’d eaten, she hit the road. She had to go back to Darling and The Purple Pig. Emily and the rest of the staff was relying on her. And she needed to speak to Ethan, but wanted to take a little time to get used to the idea first.
She was going to be a mother. Holy shit.
A mother.
She pulled over to the side of the road just before she burst into tears. Not panicked ones, not scared ones, but overwhelmed tears that welled out of her eyes and slid down her cheeks. The significance of what was about to happen hit her square in the chest. Her life was going to change forever.
She wasn’t sure she’d ever have a chance to have another baby. She’d wondered if not having one would be some sort of a punishment. That she was … unworthy.
She’d always felt unworthy. She still did. Unworthy of her mother’s love, unworthy of forgiveness, unworthy of Ethan, even. And still … there was a little human developing inside her. A cluster of cells that would divide and grow and soon have a heartbeat and little fingers and toes …
For some reason, she’d been given this chance. And she would be worthy of this child. She’d make sure of it.
When her tears were dried, she pulled back onto the road again and headed home. She’d figure this out step by step.
CHAPTER 19
Ethan didn’t know what to do anymore.
He hadn’t seen Willow since he’d dropped her at home that night. Sure, they’d forgotten to use protection, but it didn’t make sense that she’d stop seeing him altogether. It wasn’t like her. Willow faced things head-on. She was calm, rational, serene. She made sense, always. But nothing since that night was making sense.
She avoided his calls. She’d answered once and it had been so awkward he hadn’t had the courage to try again. Maybe it was just too soon. Clearly, she’d freaked out.
Now Connor was in school and loving every minute, Ronan was in preschool and jealous of his brother going to the “big” school, and Ethan was back at work. Not a single person in the family brought up Willow. Hannah had tried to, once, but he’d shot her such a dark look that she’d stopped mid-sentence and hadn’t asked again. She must have spread the word, because the rest of the family was back to acting like they were on tenterhooks around him.
He was off shift and trimming the shrubs in the backyard just to keep busy when she came around the corner of the house.
His first reaction was pure, unadulterated pleasure. His heart gave a solid thump. She wore dark jeans with a loose, light sweater in pale blue, one of her favorite colors, he now knew. She had a new stripe in her hair—turquoise—and as she came closer he noticed the diamond nose ring had been changed out to a sapphire. His little bluebird, he realized. Just as delicate and beautiful.
“Hi,” she said quietly.
He put his trimmers down on the grass, stood, and brushed his hands off on his jeans. Now that the moment of pleasure was over, other emotions snuck in. Resentment. Hurt. Confusion.
“Hi. Something I can do for you?”
His sharp tone hit its mark. He saw it in her eyes and the quick intake of breath.
“I’m sorry, Ethan. I’ve been avoiding you.”
“No kidding.”
“You’re not going to make this easy.”
“It hasn’t been easy.” He shoved his hands in his jeans pockets. “I’ve gone over what went wrong about a million times, and I still don’t understand. And it’s not like you were willing to talk.”
“I know. I … I was confused, too. And I needed to tell you some things but I wasn’t ready. So I kept away. I’m not proud of it. It’s not how I usually do things.”
“Yeah. Tell me about it.”
He picked up the trimmers again and headed to the garage. It hurt to see her. That night at the river … he’d been so close to falling in love with her. It had been amazing and terrifying all at once, but it had been profound. It had taken a lot for him to even come close to caring about someone that much, and for her to do such an about-face … it was going to take him some time to get over it, too.
“Ethan … we need to tal
k.”
She’d followed him toward the garage, and he turned to face her. “On your schedule, right? Maybe I’m not ready to talk.” He was being an idiot, and he knew it. It was childish to play this game, and yet he wanted her to know that what she’d done hadn’t been okay. “Willow, you were the one who accused me of being closed off when we first met, but the truth is I wanted to work out whatever went wrong and you wouldn’t even have a simple conversation.”
“I know.” Frustration bubbled in her voice. “I know. I didn’t know what else to do.”
“I’m sure you meditated on it.”
Wow, and didn’t he sound like a dick now?
“I did,” she answered softly, not taking the bait. “A lot. I’m not perfect, Ethan.”
“Nobody’s perfect. I didn’t expect you to be. But I didn’t think you’d run, either.”
Their eyes clung. Damn, he really had got himself in deep. For all his joking about her free-spirit ways, that night when she’d showed him how to breathe, how to move … he’d started to understand. And in that tiny bit of understanding, their connection had deepened. Deepened into the best sex of his life. He could finally admit it to himself. It took nothing away from his relationship with his wife, but it did speak to the depth of his feeling for Willow.
She smiled a little, a sad little curve of her lips. “I think I fooled myself into believing I had it all together. Had all the answers. But I don’t, and caring about you shone a light on a lot of my flaws. I didn’t like what I saw.”
Well. He hadn’t expected that. So what now? Did he want to try to work things out with her? Or just have a decent ending? That silly word, closure. They couldn’t stay this way, because caring about someone else was taking its toll.
“Can we please sit down and talk?”
“Come up on the deck. I’ll get us something to drink. Want a beer?”
She gave him a funny look. “Just water for me, thanks.”
“All right.”
He went inside to get drinks and get a grip on his emotions. Something bigger was going on than just “talking.” Something was off with her, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. It was just a feeling he had. Usually she was so open, so transparent. But not today. Today her guard was up.
She waited for him, sitting beneath the umbrella at the patio table. Her skin had darkened over the summer, just a bit, and her freckles were more pronounced. It made her look very, very young. And he felt very, very old.
“Here you go.” He put the glass down in front of her, and then took a chair at the table and leaned back, taking a swig of cold beer. The September weather was still hot enough that he’d worked up a slight sweat in the yard and the beer quenched his thirst.
She sipped and then put down the glass. “How are the boys?”
“In school. Having a blast. Wondering why you’re not around anymore.”
“God, Ethan.” She rested her forehead on her hand. “Every time you speak to me, it’s a verbal slap. I know I was wrong. I’m sorry, okay?”
“It was one of my worries, you know. If I got involved with someone and it didn’t work out. I told myself that you wouldn’t be the kind to just disappear from their lives. That you’d be too sensitive for that.” It was one thing for him to hurt. It was a very different thing when it was his kids. They’d been through enough.
“Bring them by for an afterschool snack,” she suggested softly. “Or if you really don’t want to see me, maybe Hannah or Laurel could.”
“They’d like that.”
She sipped her water again, and silence surrounded them. Awkward, weighty silence, and Ethan made himself sit and wait her out. She’d come here. She wanted to talk, so she could say what she had to say. And then maybe he would, too. It would give him time to figure out exactly what that was.
“Ethan, that night at the river…” She looked up at him, but her fingers played with her glass, like she was nervous. “I felt a connection to you that was unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. It was scary but it was beautiful, too. I felt myself falling for you. For the first time ever, I wanted a future. And then I realized that we’d been careless. Both of us, not just you. None of this was your fault.”
“It sure felt like it was.”
“I know. I’m sorry. It’s just … well, the thing is, I was careless once before. A long time ago.” Her fingers twisted together. “And today I came over here to tell you about it, so maybe you’d understand.”
“Understanding would be good, because I’ve played that drive home over and over in my head and I don’t get anywhere. We were crazy that night, Wil. So into each other. And then it was like someone flipped a switch. Do you know how hard it was for me to put myself out there again?”
She looked away for a moment; he saw her bottom lip quiver for a mere second before she squared her shoulders and took a breath. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
He swallowed, kept his voice low, even though he was frustrated as hell. “Then explain it to me.”
It took her a minute to begin. In those moments, he saw her bite down on her lip, twist her fingers. Then she sat straight in her chair and took three long, deep breaths, just like the ones she’d shown him. When she was finished, she opened her eyes. They were clear and blue like the September sky above them.
“The night of our first date, you asked about this.” She held out her wrist, then tucked it back against her belly. “I wasn’t ready to go into details that night. But I need to tell you now.”
He didn’t say a word, just watched her steadily, resentment still burning in his gut.
“I was sixteen, nearly seventeen. I liked this guy a lot, but he wasn’t that into me. I was so thrilled when he finally asked me out. I was devastated when I realized he’d only wanted to score. More devastated later when I hated myself for letting him.”
“Teenage boys are assholes. I know. I was one.” He sensed there was a story coming, and he eased off his snarky tone. He’d made his point, and that was enough. Whatever she was going to tell him had caused her to run out on them, and it was clearly hurting her now. He didn’t need to pile on.
“A month later I found out I was pregnant.”
He hadn’t seen that coming. He set the beer bottle down on the table and let out a breath. “Jesus.”
“That’s what I said, too. My mother had a few other things to say—about my behavior and my stupidity. I was so scared, Ethan. I already felt so alone. High school is brutal at the best of times. I was a straight A student. I was on Student Council and on a thousand committees because I was so … lonely. I had lots of ‘friends’ but few I could really turn to. No one knew about the baby. Can you imagine what people would have said if they’d known? And my mom…”
Her voice wobbled, but he waited it out. He couldn’t stay angry. Not with her. He’d never really been angry, anyway. He’d been hurt and confused. Anger had been the easy way to deal with it.
“Your mom…” he nudged gently.
“She was always at work. She provided for both of us, and I always felt like a burden. Like she’d be doing so many other things if she didn’t have to look after me.”
“Your dad?”
“Left when I was a baby.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I tried so hard to be perfect for Mom. Like if I did everything right, all her sacrificing would be worth it. Once I grew up, I realized that she’s a workaholic. She lives to work, and she never really wanted to be a parent. It hurts, but I’ve accepted it. But at the time, I couldn’t understand why she didn’t seem to love me like other moms loved their kids. We never did things together. Had girlie days. She’d tell me I should be happy to have so much independence, and isn’t that what I wanted?”
“Of course it wasn’t. You wanted a parent to care enough to set boundaries.”
“I wouldn’t have admitted it then, but yes. I needed a parent, and instead I had a landlord.”
Christ, that was sad. He thought of
Lisa and how she’d doted on the boys. There were always kisses and hugs and smiles, even when she’d been sick and it had cost her precious energy. And Ethan, too—he knew he was grumpy from time to time, but God, he hoped the boys knew how much he loved them.
And he’d always felt love from his parents, too. What would it have been like, growing up feeling that your only parent didn’t care about you?
“So you can imagine what it was like when I told her I was pregnant.” She gave a bitter laugh. “I actually thought for a moment that maybe this time she’d be there for me. That it would bring us closer together.”
“It didn’t?”
Willow shook her head. “Hell no. She was furious. I was already struggling with feeling isolated and, well, depressed. Add a perfectionist streak onto that and it was a dark, dark place in my head. I wanted her to hold my hand and tell me it would be okay. Instead she drove me to an abortion clinic.”
Ethan had been about to take another sip of beer, but his hand paused halfway to his mouth. He’d figured this was leading to her losing the baby. But not this. Her voice was so cold as she said it. So flat.
“You went through with it?” He put the bottle back down.
“I didn’t have a choice, don’t you see?” Her troubled gaze lifted to meet his. “I didn’t know how to stand up to her, and she threatened to kick me out. I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t have a baby without her help, but I…”
Her voice had been strong throughout the whole thing, but now she turned her head and made a small sound. He gave her the space she needed, while he tried to wrap his head around what it would have been like to be in high school, pregnant by a stupid jock, and without the support of the one person who was supposed to be there for you.
She reached for her water with a trembling hand and he saw her tattoo again, just below the cuff of her sweater. Isolation, depression … and an abortion. It would have been enough to put her over the edge, wouldn’t it?
