by Donna Alward
His stomach clenched as he asked the question. “So that’s what led to your … your tattoo? God, Willow. You have to know I wouldn’t judge you because of that. I can’t imagine how awful that was for you.”
“I stopped eating. And then I’d eat and I’d … I’d purge. I honestly don’t know how I fooled people, or how I managed to graduate like I did. But once the ceremony was over, I lost it. I couldn’t pretend anymore. I ended up in Boston, at a clinic. I didn’t want to live anymore.”
Tears stung his eyes. “Honey,” he said, and reached for her. But she pulled away, her eyes flashing a warning.
“I’ve never told anyone about this, Ethan. Not even Laurel. And I wasn’t planning on telling you, either. Not … not yet. But I had to because … because of that night at the river.”
He frowned. There was so much to take in, and he knew that somehow it was all going to link together, but he couldn’t for the life of him see how. She’d run scared that night … had it been too intense? Was being with him making her depressed again? His heart hurt just thinking about it. She’d said only minutes ago that she was flawed, imperfect. That being with him had shone a light on those flaws. Maybe he wasn’t good for her after all. It was tough to think about, because despite the last few weeks, she’d been very, very good for him.
“I’m sorry about the things I said that night. I know I got upset … you have to know I care about you, Willow. So much. I couldn’t have been with you if I didn’t.”
Her voice was clogged with tears as she answered, “I know.”
“But you’re not okay, are you?”
She looked at him and shook her head, tears glimmering in her eyes. His stomach seemed to drop to his feet.
“I’m pregnant, Ethan.”
If it was possible to feel the blood leach out of his body, he was sure it would feel like this. Pale, empty, like a shell of a person. Like one of those cartoons where the character gets the crap scared out of him and he turns white. I’m pregnant, Ethan. The words bounced around in his brain as he stared at her.
Pregnant. A baby. His baby.
But they’d talked about this. She’d promised she was going to go to the drugstore in the morning. The morning after …
He stared at her as the truth settled on him. “You didn’t take a morning-after pill.”
She shook her head. “I couldn’t. Please understand.”
He rested his elbows on the table and dropped his face into his hands. Jesus. A baby.
“You lied,” he accused. “Shit, Willow, you lied right to my face.”
* * *
Willow watched the emotions cross his face. Shock. Understanding of the situation.
Despair.
She’d known all along that he wouldn’t want this baby. He’d had his family, with his wife. And sure, maybe someday he’d want to get married and have another child, but not with her, right? And definitely not outside of marriage. How would he explain it to the boys? To his family?
“I didn’t exactly lie. You said, ‘Isn’t that what the morning-after pill is for?’ And I said yes. It is what it’s for. I never said I was going to take it.”
His eyes were steely blue and he pinned her with them, like one of the dragonflies on Styrofoam she’d seen in a museum one time. “Don’t argue semantics with me.” He pointed a finger at her. “You knew what I meant at the time. It’s not worthy of you, Willow Dunaway.”
He was right. She’d known it at the time, and it was a flimsy justification. “I know,” she acquiesced weakly. “I just couldn’t tell you that night. And I couldn’t take the pill. Not…”
She gasped for air. “Look, when I was seventeen, I wasn’t given a choice. Do you know what it was like? Can you imagine?” Her voice rose and she strove to temper it. The neighbors weren’t that far away, after all, and they were sitting outside. “My mom took me there. Filled out the paperwork. I had it done and came out and she drove me home, then left me and went to work for the rest of the day. She left me, Ethan. I had no counseling. No one to hold my hand. No one to make me tea or soup and tell me it was going to be okay. I was not given the basic right to choose. I was stripped of everything that day. I couldn’t take a pill this time and pretend like nothing had happened. That’s what she made me do, don’t you see? I was supposed to act like nothing had happened. No one knew, so it didn’t happen, right? But I knew. I knew, dammit.”
She couldn’t stop the words now, or the broken sobs that came with them. “So yes. Yes, I lied to you. Because this time I was going to make the choice and live with the consequences. Me, no one else. We didn’t use protection and I’m pregnant. I’m going to have this baby, and I swear to God it will feel the love I never did. With or without you.”
He got up from his chair and paced a few steps away. Ran his hand over his head. Turned toward her, then away again, breathing heavily. She knew he wanted to say something, and she was afraid of what it would be. She hadn’t expected him to forgive in an instant and pull her into his arms, but she hadn’t quite expected his cold reaction, either.
When he turned to her, his expression was bleak. “But don’t you see, Willow? By lying to me, by not telling me the truth, you took away my choice.”
“So you want me to get rid of it? Treat it like a mistake, sweep the whole issue under the rug so no one knows your dirty little secret? You banged Willow Dunaway and got her knocked up.”
He frowned. “Of course not,” he snapped. “Dammit, Willow. I’m a father. I’m not your fucking mother.”
The words held in the air, while the two of them stilled. Of anything he’d said today, this was the most basic truth. He wasn’t her mother. But she’d treated him as if he was, and she hadn’t trusted him. And that was on her.
“You don’t want another baby,” she whispered.
“No, I don’t. We just started seeing each other. We both wanted to take it slow because of our pasts. It’s impossible to do that with a baby on the way. This just took a giant leap from exploration to … Christ.”
She had never heard him swear so much. He was always careful around the boys, too. But he was upset and probably scared. She got it.
“The timing is all wrong,” he said. “I just don’t … I don’t know anymore. I’m not…” He was stammering now, and there was a thread of panic in his voice. “I’m not ready for any of this. Seven years ago … seven this month, Willow, I stood on that stupid kissing bridge in town and kissed Lisa and said our love was forever. Until death do us part, and that’s exactly how long it lasted. I didn’t want to love somebody else. I didn’t want to go through any of that again. And now you’re telling me I’m going to have another son or a daughter and I just want to…”
“Run,” she finished for him. “I know the instinct well, Ethan.”
And yet another emotion joined the smorgasbord of feelings—resignation. What had she expected? That he’d jump up and hug her and say let’s be one big happy family? Of course not. But maybe some sense of “don’t worry, we’ll figure it out”. Some sense that he’d be there for her when she needed him. Maybe he wasn’t her mother, but he wasn’t prepared to step in, either. Not if he wanted to run.
And she did not want a reluctant father for her child. She’d had a reluctant mother and she’d be damned if her baby would be brought up begging for a parent’s attention.
She stood, her knees wobbling, and she gripped the edge of the table for a moment until she was sure on her feet. “I’d better go,” she said quietly.
“Are you kidding? You’re going to drop this bombshell on me and then beat it?”
The exhaustion that was so familiar weighed on her now. “We’re not going to solve anything today. You’re too upset. You need time, Ethan. And we’ve got time. A little over eight months to figure it all out. I’m tired. So I’m going to go and look after me.” She met his gaze. “Look after us.”
“You’ve already made up your mind about everything,” he accused.
She sighed. �
��Not everything. This is not how I would have planned it, you know. But I forgot the most important thing that I learned so long ago. I forgot that I need to not only accept my flaws, accept my life—I also have to embrace it. It’s the only way I’m going to be whole. And my child deserves that.”
She belatedly realized she said “my” and not “our,” but Ethan didn’t seem to notice.
Ethan just stood there. He didn’t agree or disagree. He just stared at her like a stranger might. It couldn’t be more clear. He didn’t want this baby. And he didn’t want her.
“Tell Hannah to bring the boys by sometime. I think Connor will like the new apple turnovers I’ve started making.”
Her voice caught when she said Connor’s name. Oh, those boys. She’d fallen for them, too, but she would never, ever put them in the middle of a grown-up situation. And Ronan with his sweet kisses and hugs, cuddling in the hanging chair. It made her heart ache.
She turned and hurried down the three wooden steps to the back yard, then half-walked, half-ran around the corner of her house to her car. Once inside, she put the key in the ignition and looked up, but Ethan hadn’t followed her. He wasn’t coming after her. Part of her wept inside, but she steeled her spine and buckled her seatbelt.
She was stronger now, and in charge of her own life. And she could do this. Perhaps that was the lesson she needed to take away. She was not that helpless, scared little girl any longer. She was a woman, a mother, with the heart of a lioness.
CHAPTER 20
She wasn’t feeling so lioness-y four days later when the first bout of morning sickness struck.
Her alarm went off at five as usual, but there was no way she could stomach her customary green tea. It smelled different, somehow. She settled for water, but it made her queasy and came right back up. By the time she’d finished her yoga practice, she was feeling weak and had a sick sort of headache.
She made some hot buttered toast and had a crazy urge for hot chocolate once her stomach settled. When she got downstairs to the café, she prepared a mug of it for herself and took it into the kitchen.
“Hey, are you okay? You’re looking a little pale today.”
Willow looked up at Em and tried a smile. “Just feeling a bit off. Must be a … oh, something I ate.” Wow, this lying thing was becoming a little too easy. It sat with her about as well as the idea of food.
“We’ve got the new woman in today at eight for training. I won’t be able to spend as much time out back. Are you okay handling most of the kitchen?”
Willow preferred that to dealing with customers this morning, particularly if her stomach acted up again. “I’ll be fine. What do you need first?”
“Eggs. The breakfast biscuits are starting to get really popular. We open in twenty, so if we could have some made up in advance I can put them in the warmer along with the Canadian bacon.”
Eggs. Simple enough. While Em took biscuits and muffins out of the oven, Willow cracked two dozen eggs into a bowl and whipped them with a whisk while the griddle heated. The trouble started when she poured the beaten eggs into the Teflon rings. The smell made her stomach turn again, and she swallowed against the extra saliva in her mouth.
She soldiered through four different times, putting the finished circles in a warming tray and sliding it into the unit behind the counter. A knock came to the back door, and her bread supplier dropped off the day’s supply of rolls, wraps, and loaves. Her hot chocolate was long gone, but she was feeling a bit better, so she took thirty seconds to grab a Greek yogurt from the fridge. Calcium and protein, she reminded herself. She couldn’t let a little morning sickness put her off her normal eating habits.
She baked through the morning. Cookies, brownies, banana muffins, apple turnovers … she thought of Connor and Ronan as she sprinkled the tops with coarse sugar. More eggs—the smell wasn’t so bad this time—and then sliced free-range chicken and grass-fed beef for the lunchtime sandwich crowd. For some reason the red meat appealed, and she put on a beef barley soup for lunch and then a Harvest Vegetable, thick with carrots and zucchini and a rich tomato broth. Bile rose in her throat as the beef browned in the stockpot, but by the time she’d added the other ingredients and tasted it, she was ravenous. At ten-thirty in the morning she sat down for a brief break and inhaled a bowl of soup.
This was her new life, wasn’t it? Work, caring for herself, thinking about being a mother. The foot traffic in the café was brisk, and she heard the happy greetings and chatter from the front. For the first time, the sound didn’t bring her pleasure. Instead she realized that any plans for expansion would be on hold. She couldn’t afford the money or the time to make it a reality right now.
She was disappointed, but not resentful. She wouldn’t ever be resentful toward this baby.
By two-thirty she was exhausted. The lunch rush was over, and she dragged her butt through the kitchen, washing dishes and working on supper prep. Emily would only be working until three, and then a shift change would happen and one of the full-timers would take over. The staff would be balanced out by one of their high school students. Normally Willow took a break this time of day, in order to avoid working fourteen or more hours. But not today. Training new staff was time-consuming, and she couldn’t possibly impose on Emily further.
Besides, it wasn’t as if she had any social life.
By the time she started slicing vegetables, she knew she’d been on her feet too long. She sat on a stool at the counter instead, giving her feet a break, and sliced some extra carrots and cucumbers to munch on. The cucumbers especially were crisp and fresh.
“You look pooped. Boss working you extra hard?”
She looked up. Hannah stood in the doorway to the kitchen, her teasing words belied by her solemn expression. “Hey, Han. Come on in and pull up a seat. I’m cutting vegetables.”
“I can see that.” Hannah stepped into the kitchen, pulled up a stool, and perched at the edge of the stainless steel work table. “Sweetie, what’s going on? I talked to Laurel. She said she hasn’t seen you for practically weeks. Ethan’s snapping at everyone … whatever went wrong, you have to know that we’re your friends. You can talk to us.”
Willow’s eyes watered, and she couldn’t blame it on the onions since they were still on the table, waiting to be chopped. “Oh Hannah. I’ve screwed everything up. Or rather … we have. It’s such a mess.”
“You fell in love with him, didn’t you?”
She looked up at Hannah. “And are you going to go running back to Ethan and tell him what I say?”
Hannah frowned. “Admittedly, there’s a conflict of interest here. And I do want to see both of you happy. But I will not run back to Ethan if you don’t want me to. Truth is, I think you guys need to talk it out. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
A lump formed in Willow’s throat and she looked away, and gave her head a tiny shake.
“I did fall for him. I might even … love him. We were just getting closer when it all went wrong. And now…”
She halted. She didn’t know if Ethan had told anyone in the family or not. They’d certainly never discussed when to tell people.
“Now what?” Hannah reached over and put her hand on Willow’s. The cucumbers sat forgotten on the cutting board. “Why did it go wrong?”
It wasn’t as if it could remain a secret forever.
Hannah pressed on. “Is it about Lisa? Is that it? Because I know for a fact that he cares for you. He was so happy. Happier than we’ve seen him for a long while, that’s for sure. And then a few weeks ago he started snapping at everyone.”
Willow wasn’t quite sure how to begin, so she eased into the topic. “You know how we talked about expanding the café? That you thought you’d like to go in on it with me? I can’t do that now, Han. The timing is wrong.” She realized that she’d just mimicked Ethan’s words to her about the pregnancy. “The truth is, I’m pregnant.”
Hannah stared at her. A full-on, open-mouthed, wide-eyed stare.
“Pregnant.”
“You’re the first person I’ve told. I found out about a week ago.”
“Does Ethan know?”
“He knows.”
“Crap on a cracker.”
Willow choked out a laugh despite herself. Thank God for Hannah. “I was shocked, too.”
“You and Ethan … having a baby. This is just … wow.”
“Apparently we are very fertile people.” She kept her voice low and glanced at the door every few seconds, not wanting staff to overhear. “It was a new aspect to our relationship. And this is really weird, talking to you about having sex with your brother.”
It was Hannah’s turn to laugh. “I grew up with those boys. Hardly anything fazes me. Let me guess, it was the week the kids were away.”
Willow’s cheeks heated. “How did you know?”
“I ran into Ethan one morning, sneaking out of your apartment. I was taking out the trash from the office and there he was, doing the walk of shame.” A sad smile lit her face. “I was worried for him, but happy, too. Happy he was moving on with someone as lovely as you.”
Willow didn’t feel so lovely, but it touched her that Hannah seemed to think so. “It was the next night,” she admitted. “We were stupid. We got caught up and forgot … you know.”
“Oops.”
“That wasn’t exactly what he said. He’s not happy about it, Hannah. I can’t go into what happened. I hope that’s okay. It’s between Ethan and me. But I told him and he’s never called or stopped in or … or … asked how I am.”
“Ethan’s not the kind of man to not take this seriously.”
“I know that.” She did, deep down. “But he’s hurt, and he’s angry, and it’s going to take some time for him to come to terms with it.”
“You could try talking to him.”
She could. But she wasn’t ready for that, either. She bit down on her lip, picked up the knife, and started slicing the cucumbers again.
