by Donna Alward
“It’s complicated, Hannah. I’m sure we’ll get around to it. But I have to be honest. It hurts to see him right now. I had to face a lot of things from my past that I didn’t want to, just so I could be free to love him. To have it end like this … I’m hurting, too.” The back of her nose stung, like it did when she plucked an eyebrow hair and hit a nerve. “I miss him. I miss the boys. I … I don’t want to be alone.”
“Oh, sweetie.” Hannah got off her stool and went to Willow, putting her arms around her. “You’re not alone. Maybe you both do just need some time to sort through some stuff. But trust me. When the chips are down, my big brother will be there for you. Promise. Because if he’s not I’ll give him an atomic wedgie.”
Willow laughed, and Hannah reached into her bag for a tissue. “Here. Blow your nose. Sanitize your hands before you cut into any more of that produce. Don’t worry about the expansion; we’ll figure something out. This is my specialty, remember.”
“I’ve signed a lease, remember?”
“Which you don’t have to pay for until the first of November. That gives me time to think of something. You are not alone, honey. Ethan’ll come around, and even if he doesn’t, I’m here for you. Laurel and Aiden will be here for you, and so will a lot of other people in this town. Know what else? You’re going to be an amazing mother. So chin up.”
“I love you, Hannah.”
“Love you too, kiddo. By the way, talk to Laurel. She’s going to be thrilled that your babies are only going to be weeks apart.” Hannah rolled her eyes. “Good God. Ethan was a busy boy, wasn’t he? You could hardly stand each other the night Laurel made her announcement.”
Willow smiled and dabbed at her eyes. “That’s what you know. We kissed that night.”
“Sneaky thing.” Hannah dropped a sisterly kiss on Willow’s cheek. “I’m going to check on you every day, you know. Make sure you’re eating and feeling okay. Get used to it.”
“I will.”
“And don’t overdo it.”
“Yes, Boss.”
Hannah winked. “Okay. I have to blast off. Hang in there, sweetie.”
“Thank you, Hannah.”
“Anytime.”
Hannah’s visit had cost Willow about twenty good minutes of prep time, but it had been exactly what she needed to get through the day. She wasn’t alone. She had friends, and support, and a home where she belonged.
The only piece of the puzzle that was missing was Ethan. Unfortunately, Willow was starting to realize that the final piece was the one that made the rest of the puzzle make sense. Hannah hadn’t called her on it, but Willow had used the word “love.” She did love him. She thought maybe she had from the moment on the first night when he’d cradled a sleeping Ronan on his lap and managed to eat birthday cake with his free hand. Or maybe it was the night he’d offered Laurel his baby things …
She put her hand to her mouth. Oh God. Baby things … he’d never expected to need them again.
But he would. She just needed to give him time to get used to the news. Maybe he’d never love her the way she’d wanted him to, but he wasn’t the kind of man to turn his back on his child. In all the confusion and hurt, she’d lost sight of that. Perhaps he had, too. But it wouldn’t last forever.
And he would never need to know how much she cared about him. And maybe someday it wouldn’t hurt quite so much.
CHAPTER 21
“You’re a goddamn idiot.”
Ethan frowned and pointed at the stairs. “I just put the boys down and they’re probably not asleep yet. Watch your language.”
Why on earth was Hannah barging into his house at eight o’clock at night? He’d bet twenty bucks it had to do with Willow. Just what he needed. He already thought about her every damned day. She was across town running her business and carrying his baby and he had no idea what the hell to do about it.
If the boys didn’t have big ears, he’d do a little cursing himself.
Hannah lifted her brows and he could practically hear the sarcastic “really” in her head. “Don’t look at me like that,” he groused. “And if you’re here to stick your nose in my business, you can turn right around and go back out the door.”
“Ooooh. Look at you, being all tough.”
He made a dismissive sound and turned his back on her. “Baby sisters are the bane of my existence.”
“Oh, I doubt that. Right now I’m guessing there’s a blonde across town that’s causing you fits.”
“Stay out of it, Han,” he warned, his voice low. “It’s complicated.”
“Having a baby usually is.”
He gaped at her. How did she know? He couldn’t imagine Willow telling anyone yet, but he could be wrong. And Hannah was quick to pick up on a situation.
“She’s tired and scared, Ethan. What are you going to do about that?”
He frowned and opened a cupboard, reaching for a bottle on the top shelf. “I think I need a drink for this conversation.”
“This is nothing compared to what Mom will say when she finds out. Accidents happen, we all know that. But you guys need to work it out.”
He loved his family, but they did have a terrible tendency to stick their noses in. He poured a few fingers of whiskey into a glass, mentally said screw the ice, and downed it in two gulps.
“It’s not your business, Hannah. You might as well go home. We’ll fix this on our own.”
“Right. Both of you stubborn. Both of you hurting. She loves you, do you know that?”
“Did she tell you that?” Was that hope blossoming in his chest? No, impossible. He wasn’t that gullible, was he?
“Not in so many words.”
“Right.” That sounded more like it.
“But she hinted at it. A lot. And if I weren’t your sister I think she might have opened up more. But I don’t have to be a rocket scientist to see what’s right in front of my face.”
“She lied to me, Hannah. Did she tell you that? She told me that…” He hesitated. How much detail did he want to get into? And yet … Hannah was here because she loved him. Her harsh greeting aside, he knew that ultimately she wanted him to be happy. He hadn’t breathed a word about the baby to a soul. Maybe he could use another perspective.
“She told you what?” Hannah asked.
He met his sister’s gaze. “Do you want a drink?”
“Stop avoiding the issue. And no, I don’t want a drink.”
Instead he took a seat at the kitchen table, taking the whiskey bottle with him. “When we realized we’d forgotten to use protection, I suggested a morning-after pill. Willow led me to believe she was going to get it. She didn’t.”
“Maybe she just changed her mind.”
“She never intended to. I won’t go into why—it’s a long story, and it’s hers to tell. God, Hannah. I’ve got the boys to consider. Willow and I … we were just getting started. It wasn’t that long ago that we started acting on our attraction for each other. It’s a huge leap from that to bringing a baby into the world. To parenting.”
“So you’re what? Sitting here pouting? Thinking that if you avoid the situation it’ll go away? That’s not like you, Ethan. You face things. You deal with them. And you care for her. You need to do right by them both.”
“You mean marry her?” He laughed and poured another liberal helping of whiskey. “This isn’t the fifties, Hannah. Maybe I’ll want to get married again someday, but that day’s a long way off.” Ache surrounded his heart as he looked at his sister. “You know what it was like when I lost Lisa. I don’t ever want to go through that again. What’s the point in loving someone if you’re just going to lose them?”
“Bullshit.” She stared him down. “Do you know how lucky you are to have had two really great women love you? You didn’t have a choice with Lisa. She got sick and maybe it shouldn’t have happened but she died, Ethan. She didn’t leave you. Now you’ve got a choice—a chance at happiness—and you’re deliberately pushing her away. Willow’s having your b
aby, Ethan. And she’s sitting over there thinking that you don’t care about her. Why? Because she didn’t take a stupid pill? You’re going to let something trivial like that stand in your way?”
“I don’t want another baby!” He blurted it out, then let out a long breath. “Do you understand that, Hannah? I have the boys and I love them so much, but being a single dad is a crazy amount of work and worry. She knew it. It would have been so simple. It’s not trivial. Not to me. Maybe you don’t understand. You’ve never been in love this way. But that thing you call trivial broke my trust.”
Hannah didn’t even blink at his harsh words, but he instantly felt bad for speaking them. Hannah took enough grief for being unmarried from their parents. She didn’t need it from him, too.
“Willow’d be a great mother to them, too, if you gave her a chance.”
It scared him that she was right. Willow had taken to the boys right away, and them to her. She was gentle and kind and firm. “We dated maybe a month. Isn’t it a little soon for that?”
“What does time have to do with anything? You can know a person for years and not really know them. And someone else you can see across a room and know they’re going to change your life.” She raised one eyebrow. “Or so I’m told.”
He deserved that. “She’s going to have a baby. Do you really think she wants to be saddled with two rambunctious boys, too?”
“Why don’t you ask her?”
He turned away. What if Willow said no? She was so independent, and no matter what Hannah said, he doubted she was in love with him. She hadn’t said anything of the sort when she’d come to tell him. She hadn’t even hinted at wanting them to try to be a family together. It wasn’t just him. He was a package deal.
And yet she’d dated him, knowing his situation.
Hannah stood. “You think about it. You think about a good woman who cares for you, who is carrying your baby, who loves your boys, and how you’re sitting here and she’s sitting over there because you’re scared and need to be right more than you need to be happy.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Life isn’t fair, Ethan. You of all people know that. That’s why you need to grab at happiness while you can.”
He stared at his sister for a few minutes. Hannah was particularly passionate about this, and he wondered why. She was interfering at the best of times, but tonight she was truly put out with him and he wasn’t quite sure where she was coming from. He’d had the same feeling when Willow had shown up here over a week ago. Damn, he’d never understand women. It’s like they said one thing and then really meant something else.
“You sit and stew if you like. I didn’t think I’d be able to change your mind, but you should at least talk to her, Ethan. You can’t go on this way. Avoiding reality isn’t going to change it.”
“I know,” he admitted. “It’s just such a mess I don’t know where to start.”
“You could try being honest with yourself about your feelings.”
She went over to him then and put a hand on his shoulder. “You are one of the best men I know,” she murmured. “But sometimes you do need a loving kick in the ass.”
“Go on,” he grumbled.
She left, and he sat in the kitchen still, nursing the last few swallows of alcohol. Being honest with himself wasn’t the problem. He already knew what he felt, and that was what scared him the most. He knew what he wanted, and that terrified him, too.
No one that he knew had lost a spouse. They didn’t know what it was like. And asking him to forget the hell he’d been through was like asking a songbird to forget how to sing. It was a part of him.
Willow was a part of him, too, whether she knew it or not. And now she carried his child. Someday soon he was going to have to figure out how he was going to deal with that.
But that day wasn’t today.
Not yet.
He finished the drink, put the glass in the dishwasher, signed Connor’s agenda, and went to bed.
Alone.
CHAPTER 22
It was Laurel and Aiden who finally brought the boys in for a treat.
“Willow!” Connor ran through the door and barreled toward her, a huge grin lighting his face. “Where’ve you been?”
She fought against the bittersweet welcome and smiled, crouching down to greet him with a hug. “Hey, tiger. I’ve been right here, working. Coming up with some new recipes and stuff. How’s school?”
“My friend Jimmy is in my class. He brought a frog to school yesterday in his lunch bag. Our teacher got mad and made him take it outside, and then threw out his lunch because it was unsan … unsan…”
“Unsanitary?”
“Yeah, that’s it. I thought it was cool.”
Lord, but she’d missed these two.
Ronan was waiting his turn, a little more quietly than his brother. She opened her arm and drew him into a quick cuddle. “Hello, sweetie.”
“Hi, Wil-low.”
Her heart turned over.
“And how are you? I think I have an apple turnover with your name on it.”
He looked at her with his big, soulful eyes, and asked, “Why haven’t you come to see us?”
“Oh. Well, the café’s been really busy.”
“We ran out of bubbles. And Daddy doesn’t laugh as much. You should come over. I got a new video game.”
“I’ve missed you guys, too. You hungry?” It was hard work keeping the smile on her face, but she did it.
She stood and saw Aiden and Laurel waiting, both with hesitant smiles on their faces. “It’s okay, isn’t it?” Laurel asked. “We took the boys after school today and they were begging us to come see you. I know something happened with you and Ethan…” Laurel kept her voice low.
“It’s more than okay. I’ve missed them a lot. Let’s grab a table and I’ll bring out some stuff. What do you want, Laurel? Tea? Milk?”
Laurel touched her belly. “Mint tea seems to be hitting the spot right now,” she said.
“I’ll be back in a minute.”
She returned a few minutes later with a plate heaped with sweets, two glasses of milk, two mugs of mint tea, and a black coffee for Aiden, since she knew that was how he liked it. The boys dug in right away, both heading straight for the turnovers. Connor, she’d learned, liked fruit and pastry. And Ronan was partial to chocolate but didn’t ever want to be outdone by his big brother.
Laurel sipped at her mint tea and picked at a piece of shortbread. “How’re you feeling, Laurel?” Willow wondered if her friend was still having morning sickness. She wished, too, that she could share her news with her best friend. She wanted to, so badly. She wanted to compare notes on pregnancies. To ask questions, share worries. She wanted someone to be excited with. Instead she spent precious private moments resting her hand on her tummy, wondering about the baby inside, how it was developing.
“Mornings are rough. I treat Aiden to what I call ‘shower music.’ He gets in the shower, I throw up. Once I have breakfast I’m better. And then it’s just the odd thing that throws me off. But otherwise I’m great.” She smiled.
Aiden grinned. “I started keeping barf bags in the car just in case.” He reached over and took her hand. “But hopefully it’ll be better soon. And I still think she has a glow.”
If Willow didn’t like them so much it might be sickening. It did, however, highlight what she was missing. A partner. Someone who looked at her the way that Aiden looked at Laurel.
She handed napkins to the boys, then talked to them for a few minutes about school and soccer and whatever else was going on. Apparently Moira and John’s dog, Waffle, got an abscess on his leg and had to wear a big cone on his head. Connor threw his arm wide describing it, and Willow barely kept his milk glass from spilling as they all laughed.
It was Laurel who finally asked in a low voice, “Is everything okay with you?”
Willow shrugged, trying to remain nonchalant. “It’s busy here. Emily’s managing things now, so we’ve been
training some new staff. It’s good, though. She’s taken over some of the administrative duties, and once we smooth out the newbie wrinkles, it’ll be good for me.”
“I don’t mean work.” Laurel looked over at Aiden who was deliberately keeping the boys occupied. “I mean you. What happened with you two?”
“It’s a long story.” Willow looked over at the kids and then back to Laurel. “Too long to go into now.”
“I wish we could find some time to really talk.”
“We will. It’s just complicated right now, that’s all.”
“Sweetie.” Laurel put down her mug. “You’re never complicated. You always put things in perspective. Do you see why I’m worried?”
She did. She even agreed. “Well, what can I say? Sometimes something or someone comes along to stir things up.” She smiled. “We will talk, Laurel, I promise. I’ve missed you.”
“You’re not happy.” Laurel persisted, and Willow found the continued probing a bit tiring. There was no way she’d talk about any of this with Ethan’s children around. Laurel usually took the hint, but since she and Aiden had married, she’d tried to fix the lives of those around her. It was sweet most of the time, but not so much when Willow was the target in her sights.
“No one is happy all the time,” Willow asserted firmly. “And I’m not unhappy, either.” She wasn’t, not totally. Each day she made a point of counting her blessings, being grateful for the good things in her life.
“All right. If you say so.”
A few minutes later they finished up the last Hermit cookie and macaroon slice on the plate and Willow took the tray back to the kitchen. When she came out again, she walked outside with the foursome, hesitant to say goodbye. She didn’t know when she was going to see the boys again. Part of her wanted to invite them up to her apartment. To ply them with ice cream and let them sit in her chair. But she had no claim to them. Never had. Instead they seemed to have claimed her.
“Willow, watch me! I can walk like a crab!” Connor dropped to his bottom, braced himself up on his hands and feet, and started a goofy crab walk on the grass by the sidewalk.
