On The Road Again

by Fiona Lowe

  ‘Wow, little Evan’s going to be a doctor.’ Her eyes glowed with affection. ‘That’s great.’

  ‘Yeah.’ He cut a big slab of his favourite runny brie, which he’d paid a ridiculous amount for because he’d wanted it and he could now afford it. It was Flick who’d introduced him to the world of European cheeses and wine all those years ago. His family had never had the money to afford such luxuries. ‘I’m helping Evan out financially while he studies so he can avoid the army.’

  Her relaxed aura vanished and she leaned forward, her jaw rigid. ‘And he’s accepting your help? Tell me, how is that any different from what I offered you?’

  The past hit him as hard as the butt of an assault rifle. ‘He’s my baby brother, Flick and he shouldn’t have to work in a war zone when I can afford to help him. I’m just doing what family does.’

  The moment the word, family left his lips he wanted to grab it back. Instead he was faced with watching it land on her ears. Like a scud missile, it exploded in front of him.

  Incredulity streaked across her face. ‘And as your fiancée I wasn’t family?’

  Her rising voice, filled with pain and anger, speared him hard. There was no easy way to answer her question so he went for the truth. ‘I loved you, Flick but I needed to pay my way. I needed you to understand that.’

  She shook her head as if she didn’t understand at all. ‘But Evan doesn’t have to pay his way?’

  ‘He does. All I’m doing is giving him an interest-free student loan.’

  ‘And what? You thought that as my husband you’d never be contributing to our income?’

  He sighed, hating they were back to this again when it only touched on a small part of why he’d left. ‘It was more complicated than that and you know it.’

  ‘I don’t think I do given you never explained any of it to me.’

  ‘I tried. God, Flick, I really tried.’

  She bit her lip. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t hear you.’

  His guilt burrowed deep and he reached for her hand. ‘I’m sorry too. If I had my time over, Flick, I would have told you in person that I was leaving.’

  She blinked rapidly and moved just out of reach. ‘Is that supposed to make me feel better?’

  ‘No. Yes. Shit.’ He ran his hand through his hair. ‘I never meant to hurt you. We were at an impasse that was widening every day. You wouldn’t marry me if I joined the army and I couldn’t marry you if I didn’t. I thought by leaving I was doing us both a favour because with the way things were, I truly believed we couldn’t be happy.’

  ‘Because of my inheritance?’

  ‘No.’

  The disbelief on her face launched him into the explanation he should have given her so long ago. ‘Sometimes the money made me feel uncomfortable but it was the seven years of university that had left me in limbo. I didn’t feel at ease in your world but as much as I railed against that at times, mine no longer suited me either. I was a stranger in my own life and I had no clue how to fix it except to do something that separated me from the two worlds I was straddling.’

  Two furrows appeared at the bridge of her nose as if she was trying to work something out. ‘Did you feel you belonged in the army?’

  He shrugged. ‘The army’s world is one of following orders. I didn’t have to think, I didn’t have to question who I was, I just did.’

  Her intelligent gaze didn’t waver. ‘But it doesn’t suit you any longer?’

  He shook his head. ‘I’ve changed. Some might call it growing up but all I know is that for the first time in a long time, I’m at peace with who I am. I know what I want.’

  ‘And what’s that?’

  You. I want you.

  The thought crashed through him, bringing with it the clarity of crystal. It illuminated everything—who he was, what he wanted and what was important.

  He held his breath, waiting for the fallout—for the fear, for the sense of dislocation, for the crushing weight of obligation—for all the reasons that had driven him away years ago.

  None of it came.

  Four days ago if she’d asked him what he wanted, he would have said, ‘A job in A&E and an apartment in Lygon Street’, but that was no longer enough. Nowhere near enough. He wanted her in his life.

  I love you.

  He loved her. The thought didn’t terrify him.

  He’d always loved her even when he’d believed they couldn’t be happy together. Over the years, as much as he’d tried, he’d never stopped loving her. Being with her again this week had energized him in a way he hadn’t enjoyed since their intern year and last night, she’d rocked his world to its foundations, reminding him of everything he’d lost when he’d left her.

  She was generous and caring and she made him laugh. She understood the horrors he’d seen overseas having witnessed trauma herself. Now, for the first time since he’d walked away from their engagement, he felt whole again.

  You need her.

  The thought of not sharing his future with her was too awful to contemplate.

  This time he picked up her hand and laced his fingers between hers. ‘I want you, Flick. Marry me?’

  Her face paled to white-on-white. ‘This isn’t a very funny joke, Drew.’

  He shook his head so fast that her face went out of focus. ‘It’s no joke. I’m deadly serious.’

  Her body stiffened and she seemed to shrink away from him. ‘We had sex and now you think everything is back to the way it was years ago?’ She tugged her hand out of his. ‘It doesn’t work like that.’

  ‘It can if you want it to.’

  ‘Wanting has nothing to do with it. I can’t trust you.’

  Her words slammed into him and he moved to reassure her. ‘This time, things will be different.’

  ‘Really? Why would I believe that?’ Her sharp words jabbed the air. ‘Ten minutes ago you were taking a cheap shot at my family.’

  He threw out his hands, the gesture imploring. ‘And I apologised. Please don’t do this. Eight years is a long time, Flick and we both know we’ve changed. We’re different people than we were then and we’re leading different lives. We’ve got wiser, we’ve learned about life, about ourselves and what’s important. We’ve learned about love.’

  She flinched. ‘Have we? I got divorced and you’re still single because you think love is an obligation and you hate owning anyone anything.’

  Her voice cracked. ‘Despite everything you’ve said, I have no guarantee that you’re not going to walk away from me the first time we hit a hurdle in our relationship.’ She struggled to her feet.

  Panic simmered in his veins at her leaving. ‘Flick, I promise you, no matter what, I will always talk to you and I will never walk away again.’

  The lack of faith in her eyes terrified him but it was her words that stole all hope.

  ‘I’m not prepared to risk it, Drew. Not ever.’

  Chapter Nine

  Day Six

  Sweat poured off Felicity as she climbed a never-ending, five-kilometre hill. Humidity hung in the air like a cloak, clogging her lungs and draining her energy. Her legs felt like porridge and she couldn’t find her usual rhythm.

  The irony wasn’t lost on her that within forty-eight hours the weather had gone from hypothermia-inducting to now risking heat stroke. Surrounded by cyclists who pushed on slowly up the nemesis that was another section of the Grand Ridge Road, she’d never felt so alone.

  Silver spots danced in front of her eyes and she moved off the road, grabbing her bottle of electrolyte drink. Despite feeling nauseous, she chugged half of it down in one hit, hoping to stave off dehydration. She adjusted her wet, necktie, trying to cool her body. So much for an enjoyable ride on her off-duty day—she’d rather be working. She should have been working but she’d convinced Becky to swap with her so she could avoid Drew.

  Drew had ruined everything. Again.

  What should have been wild sex for the last four days of the ride, companionship and finally
a sense of closure on their relationship, had instead turned into the ripping open of a festering wound. How could he say that he loved her? He’d said that once before and then he’d left her, stealing part of her heart. It had taken her a very long time to recover from his leaving.

  When she and Geoff had divorced, she’d got through the dark days more easily, because although she’d been sad that they’d failed, deep down she’d always known that they didn’t really belong together. With Drew, she didn’t have that reassurance. He was her soul mate but she didn’t dare believe it when he said that he loved her this time because if he left her again, she knew she’d go under and she might not survive.

  She couldn’t risk that happening. Sure, her life wasn’t exactly what she’d hoped it would be, but she had a good job, she had her charity work, good friends and that was enough. It had to be enough.

  She gave herself a shake and ate a muesli bar for much-needed energy. She was about to get back on her bike when she realised she needed to pee. Well, at least she wasn’t dehydrated. Rising to her feet, she ignored her postural hypotension and wobbled toward a grove of trees.

  Grass brushed her legs and she immediately regretted her decision. It was snake weather and this long grass was perfect snake habitat. But she really needed to go. Stamping her feet to make the ground vibrate, she kept walking, trying to shake off her woozy feeling. God, she hated humidity.

  She noticed that in a few feet, the land dropped away in typical Gippsland steepness. Ever cautious, she carefully took a couple of steps so she was just out of view of the passing cyclists but far enough from the incline to be safe. Seeing the perfect spot, she quickly turned toward it. Her vision blurred, her feet stumbled, a rock moved and dirt and gravel gave way under her. She threw her hands out to grab at the tree but missed. Then she was falling—tumbling over and over, gaining terrifying speed with every roll. She screamed, unable to stop her slide despite frantically grabbing at trees and rocks and trying to push her feet into the earth—anything to stop herself.

  Pain seared her.

  Everything went black.

  *****

  Sunlight penetrated Felicity’s eyelids.

  Where am I?

  She tried to sit up but everything hurt so she took the path of least resistance and opened her eyes. Oh, God. She instantly closed them again and tried to breathe slowly against her panic. She was balanced precariously on the edge of a mighty drop and the only thing between her and certain death was a shallow-rooted sapling.

  A sob rose in her throat but she cut it off, biting down hard on her lip. Her body vibrated in pain as she fought to force air into her lungs.

  You’ve fractured ribs.

  Again, the blackness seeped into the edges her mind, calling her to close her eyes and to go willingly into that dark place. She could let go of everything and forget the red-hot pain. Forget the fact she was thirty-two and alone, forget that she’d never known a successful relationship.

  I was a stranger in my own life and I had no clue how to fix it.

  Drew’s words hammered her with guilt. She’d had no clue he’d been struggling so much and instead of helping, she’d made it all about her.

  I love you, Flick. I promise you, I’ll never leave you.

  The memory of his voice— words she hadn’t believed yesterday—called her back from the brink of darkness. She forced her eyes to stay open, knowing that she wanted the chance to see him again. Wanted the opportunity to explain her culpability. She wanted to see her parents and friends and her patients. She wanted a better version of her life.

  She had no clue how far she’d fallen but her survival depended on her not having punctured a lung or internal bleeding, and not moving a millimetre. She could only control one of those scenarios.

  ‘Coo-eee.’ The Aussie call to find a lost person, floated in the air above her.

  ‘Coo-eee. Felicity. Felicity Hamilton-Smith.’ Voices called her name.

  People must have seen her bike and read the tag. ‘Here,’ she tried to yell as burning hot pain stole her breath. ‘I’m...down...here.’

  ‘Don’t move. Medics are on the way.’

  She glanced up at the escarpment. How they hell were they going to reach her without risking their own lives?

  Chapter Ten

  ‘Flick.’

  The abject fear in Drew’s voice penetrated her semi-conscious brain. She mustered a breath against the red-hot poker of pain that sliced through her. ‘D..Drew?’

  ‘Hang in there, sweetheart. I’m almost there. The helicopter’s on its way.’

  A spray of small rocks hit her and dread clawed at her. ‘No.’ She had no more breath to say, ‘It’s too dangerous. Don’t come, you could die.’

  More scree filled the air and then he was kneeling beside her, his large and capable hands running all over her body—assessing, reassuring, loving.

  His anguished face stared down at her. ‘What do you mean, ‘no’?’

  Tears welled in her eyes as fury and relief duelled inside her. ‘You...could...have,’ she tried to get some air into her lungs, ‘...gone over...edge.’

  ‘I’d go beyond the edge for you, every single time. I love you, Flick.’

  The man had just risked his life, sliding halfway down a cliff to reach her. Her heart quivered at the apprehension and fear that burned brightly in his eyes. Fear and concern she knew that went way beyond professional concern. Feelings that matched her own for him. ‘I need you, Drew.’

  ‘I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.’

  *****

  Felicity opened her eyes and Drew squeezed her hand. ‘Hey.’

  ‘Hey.’ She only had flashes of memory—of brutal pain and of being winched into the helicopter strapped to Drew. She’d passed out when he’d inserted a chest-tube and woken again to the sting of an IV cannula going into the back of her hand. She recalled the scream of the ambulance and arriving at the hospital and being greeted by the rushing of staff. Now it was dark outside. ‘What time is it?’

  ‘Just past midnight.’

  Dark rings circled his eyes and deep lines scored his mouth. Her heart hiccoughed at his exhaustion. ‘You should get some sleep.’

  He shook his head, his expression firm. ‘I told you, I’m not going anywhere.’

  She wanted to hug him but all the tubes kept her resting on the pillows. ‘You catching some sleep and coming back here for breakfast, isn’t leaving me.’

  Hope shimmered in his vivid blue eyes. ‘What are you saying, Flick?’

  ‘I know yesterday I said I couldn’t trust you but when a girl almost dies, she does some serious thinking. I do trust you, Drew.’ She traced her finger along the back of his hand, needing to explain. ‘The thing is, all those years ago, we both made a mess of us. I wanted to blame you implicitly because you walked away from me. I thought it was about the money, about you being ridiculously independent and seeing my love as an obligation, but it wasn’t about that at all, was it?’

  ‘No.’

  The quietly spoken word, so full of emotion, made her throat tight. ‘I let you down, Drew. I was so happy with you that I didn’t want to believe that I was part of your misery. I didn’t realise you felt like a stranger in your own life, feeling like you didn’t belong anywhere. I hate that I contributed to that by not giving you the chance to be the man you needed to become. By not compromising. I’m sorry.’

  ‘We both did things we regret.’ He raised her hand to his lips and kissed it. ‘But we’re older and a hell of lot wiser. We know that neither of us is happy without the other, so where does that leave us now?’

  She pressed her palm against his jaw. ‘More than anything else in the world, Drew, I want to make us work.’

  ‘So do I.’

  His heartfelt words filled her with elation. ‘It means you telling me how you’re feeling in the good times and the bad, and me listening and vice-versa.’

  He nodded. ‘It means being a team and consulting each ot
her before making any big plans.’

  She gave a wry smile. ‘I’m not a trust-fund girl anymore, Drew. I live off my income so it means budgeting, saving for big things and some camping holidays.’

  ‘Some camping in the great outdoors sounds fabulous although I’ve been quite successful on the stock market so we can afford the occasional splurge.’ He grinned. ‘Come to think of it, we might need a pre-nup.’

  She laughed and then flinched at the pain of her ribs. ‘Are you proposing to me?’

  His eyes twinkled. ‘Are you?’

  She picked up both his hands. ‘Drew Baxter will you spend the rest of your life with me?’

  ‘I’ve already started.’

  Tears pricked the backs of her eyes. ‘I love you, Drew. I always have and I always will.’

  He leaned in and captured her lips in a kiss so gentle and so filled with love that joy rushed her.

  After all these years, she was finally where she belonged—back with the man she loved, with the man who adored her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

  She kissed him right back.

  *****

  Fiona Lowe is a RITA (Trademark) and R*BY award-winning, multi-published author with Harlequin and Carina Press. Whether her books are set in outback Australia or in the mid-west of the USA, they feature small towns with big hearts, and warm, likeable characters that make you fall in love. When she's not writing stories, she's a weekend wife, mother of two 'ginger' teenage boys, guardian of 80 rose bushes and often found collapsed on the couch with wine. You can find her at her website, Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads.

  Discover more books by Rita-winning and bestselling author Fiona Lowe

  at https://www.fionalowe.com

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