Let Me Love You

by Jessica Jayne

  “My relationship with Stacey.” He sat on the edge of the king-sized bed. His blood pumped fast, making him jittery. Though he knew the conversation necessary, it didn’t make it any less nerve-racking. She had a vision for his life and found it difficult to swallow if he had different plans.

  “Oh, okay,” she bit out, but still didn’t turn. “So, you do want to discuss how you’re throwing your life away and at such an early stage.”

  Not being able to see her face made him nervous. Usually his puppy dog eyes could break her anger, if even just a little bit. He couldn’t read her facial expressions with her back to him, but she had a tone colder than the front row at a hockey game.

  “Mom, I’m in love with her.”

  “Ha! Lust and love are not the same thing, Son.” Shannon turned her head slightly to look at him. “Trust me, I get it. Stacey is beautiful. And she is young, if you are comparing her to me. So, I get the fantasy. But you are smarter than that to mistake a sexual attraction for love.”

  “You know me better than that. I know the difference. Yes, I’m physically attracted to her, but it goes beyond that. Way beyond. For the first time ever, I have feelings for a woman. You and Dad used to tease me about not dating girls and missing my opportunity to fall in love. Well, it’s happened.” Ren swept his hands through his short hair and took a deep breath. Despite the circumstances, saying his feelings out loud felt good, especially to his mom. Made them more real, more tangible.

  “You’re twenty-three. Your longest relationship was prom weekend your senior year. What do you know about love?” Shannon swung her legs over the side of the chaise lounge and stared at him. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying.

  He hated hurting her even if she was wrong and went off the deep-end earlier. He fidgeted.

  “How old were you when you married Dad?”

  “Damn it! Are we talking about marriage now?” Her voice was clipped. “Things were different back then.”

  “How old, Mom?” He gripped his legs right above his knees and squeezed. It hurt, but helped him remain calm. At this point, he wasn’t talking about marriage. Christ, he couldn’t even get Stacey to give him a date yet, but he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about making a life with her, one that included changing her name. “You say ‘back then’ like you got married in the nineteen fifties.”

  “Well, it was hardly the nineteen fifties.” She scoffed. “But it was over twenty-five years ago. And your dad and I had known each other since we were thirteen.”

  “I’ve known Stacey since I was thirteen.”

  “It’s just different. You were thirteen and she was an adult.”

  “Yes, and now we’re both adults.”

  She huffed out an exaggerated breath and waved her hands in frustration.

  “What is your worry? Is it the age difference? What your friends will think? What is it that makes you so angry that I love her?”

  “She’s in her thirties. Already been married and divorced. You should be dating a girl your age, doing things twenty-three-year-old’s do.”

  “And what do twenty-three-year-old’s do? Matt Reynolds is married and expecting his first child. Tyler is working at his dad’s car shop, lifeguarding at the beach, and dating a new girl every night. Aaron Meitz is headed to medical school in the fall. Everyone is doing something different.” Pointing out some of his close buddies’ lives should put things in perspective for her. He did exactly what he should—figuring out and living his life.

  “She should have known better than to move forward with whatever it is that occurred between the two of you. She’s a grown woman with experience.”

  “And I’m what? Just a kid, right?” Ren blew out a harsh breath and shook his head. “If I’m not worried about her age, then why are you? I’m the one who has to deal with those differences. Not you.”

  “You may not think it matters now, but when you’re in your thirties, she’ll be in her forties. She’s always going to be eight years older than you. Maybe right now it seems ideal, but down the road the age difference will be a big deal.”

  “The age difference probably makes the biggest deal right now. Down the road, I’m only going to love her more, and not because of the way she looks, but because she’ll be my wife and the mother to my children, and I won’t give a shit about how old she is.”

  “Jesus Christ. You’re serious about this.” She turned to face the window again. “I thought this was just some sort of fantasy. I was sitting here thinking I’ll let it run its course. Maybe a few weeks. A couple months at the most. But you’re talking about marriage and kids.” Her voice cracked.

  “Which is why I want to talk about it. I don’t want you to think it’s a fantasy or short-lived or that Stacey has pursued me in some sort of desperation ploy to get over Randy. She’s done everything to discourage my advances.”

  His mother puffed out a disbelieving breath and turned again to face him. “Everything except say no.”

  Perhaps he could employ another tactic. Sympathize with her.

  “Mom, I can only imagine the shock of finding out that your son is having sex with your neighbor, but I don’t want this to be the focus. Sex is a small part of what is going on.”

  “So you’ve said. You don’t think a relationship with someone your own age would be easier? A girl who doesn’t have the baggage of an ex-husband or having been cheated on?”

  “Yes. It would be easier, but I’m not looking for easy. I’m following my heart, just like you always told me to.” He stood and walked the short distance to the chaise, then squatted on the edge. “I’d like to have your blessing. It would be easier if Stacey knew you weren’t going to hate her or stir up drama. And it would be easier for me. I want to bring her around you and Dad. I don’t want to feel like I’m being forced to hide how I feel about her. I won’t do that. I’m not embarrassed about the way I feel and I certainly don’t want Stacey to be.”

  “I need time to sit with this, Ren. I’m not quite ready to acquiesce to this scenario. I’m sorry.”

  “I’ll take that as a positive.” He stood again, leaning over to kiss the top of her head. She inhaled as he turned and walked out of the room.

  Not the warm apology he desired or the acceptance he’d hoped for, but better than an hour ago when she slapped Stacey and attempted to order him home like a five-year-old. She needed time. Just like Stacey, he’d give it to his mom as well. He hopped down the stairs and into the kitchen where he found his dad sipping coffee and flipping through the news on his iPad.

  “Well, the house didn’t fall down around me so I guess that’s progress.” His father eyed Ren. A small smile teased his lips.

  “She was angry. Wouldn’t even look at me, but she listened. At least, I think so.” Ren poured a cup of coffee and sat at the table. “Any advice on how best to deal with these two women?”

  “Sure.” Dad chuckled. “Run.”

  Ren belted out a full belly laugh. “Great advice from the man who’s still here.”

  “I’m trying to save you.” Dad winked. “Let your mom stew for a bit. She’ll come to terms with it eventually.”

  “And Stacey?” Ren sipped his coffee, hoping the caffeine would give him the energy he’d need after the crazy morning.

  “Give her what she needs. Not what you think she needs, Son. What she’s asked for.” Jay picked up his iPad and started reading again. “Can you believe the housing market is rising at record rates again? I hope we aren’t entering another bubble.”

  Ren smiled. All was right in this moment. He had a plan.

  Chapter Nine

  It had been a long three weeks. Mainly because they’d been Ren-free.

  Stacey had periodically peeped out her den window, watching as he hopped into his Jeep or a friend’s car, coming and going from his parents’ house.

  A few women had stopped by. One, a beautiful blonde, bounced up his driveway and threw herself into his arms. He’d pushed the girl back like he knew
Stacey was watching, but he’d still smiled as he and the blonde chatted. Shannon had even appeared with a big smile to talk to them both.

  Her stomach snaked into jealous knots, even though she had no right to feel that way.

  She’d let him go.

  For an entire afternoon, Ren and Jay loaded boxes into the back of his dad’s Silverado. Shannon had a forlorn look on her face as she carried small items to the truck, but she hugged Ren twice before he and his dad drove off. Stacey assumed they moved him into Tyler’s as his Jeep was no longer in the driveway at night.

  Stacey hid in her office, working hard on trying to work hard. This book wasn’t going to write itself. But it was difficult to focus with her emotions tied up like a large pretzel in her belly. She missed him.

  Ren’d texted once, the day after the huge blow up with Shannon: Time. You need it. I’ll give it.

  That’s all he’d said.

  But his actions said way more.

  She found a bunch of lilacs on her front porch once a week. Her favorite flowers. Another time, she’d walked out to her car and found the vehicle washed and waxed. He’d must have done so in the middle of the night because she headed out for her run by six that morning.

  Her front yard was mowed weekly and her driveway pressure-washed while she taught her creative writing class at the community college. He cleaned the pool every week and would leave her favorite white wine in a chiller on the outdoor table on the patio. She never saw him do any of these things, but knew he did.

  She couldn’t get over how much he must have paid attention over the years to know what these things would mean to her. Her heart swelled larger than the Grinch’s and she fell a little more in love with him with each touching and gallant gesture.

  He hadn’t approached her the few times he’d seen her walking to her car. He waved and gave a sexy smile that made her insides go all gooey. She’d wave and plaster a smile on her face, hoping her grin didn’t reveal how hard staying away from him really was.

  Shannon didn’t talk to her, but did pass tight smiles. Better than the middle finger. Jay was polite, asked her how she was and exchanged small talk across the yards.

  It didn’t seem like Shannon had conversed with the meddling neighbors. At least Stacey hadn’t been subjected to the evil eye or malicious whispers.

  Her summer class at the community college was small, only ten students, but she loved teaching creative writing. That engagement often inspired her own writing by getting back to the basics. Plotting. Character development. Active versus passive voice. Point of view. Discussing the topics and demonstrating her techniques and tools with those interested enough in her craft to take her class got her creative juices flowing. Having those stimulating mental moments helped her to move past the writer’s block named Ren.

  Evenings she’d write. She found several times wanting to call him to run some of the football terminology past him, but refrained. Despite her body and heart wanting desperately to connect, she couldn’t give him any hope that something would happen between them. It had already gone too far. She couldn’t stand another shattered heart. Even though she’d put her heart back together, the pieces were still fragile.

  So, when Todd had asked her out on a date, she said yes. Not because she wanted to date him, but she wanted to get her mind off Ren and all the things he did that had her second guessing her decision to end things. She wanted to get out, do something besides sulk about all the ways her life wasn’t turning out how she’d planned. She’d grown tired of the pity parties she threw for herself.

  Todd was another English teacher at the community college. They had a quiet dinner at Salt Rock Café, talked about the politics of college, and the highs and lows of teaching English and writing to a bunch of twenty-somethings. Mahuffer’s was the last stop, the night cap, so-to-speak, before their date ended.

  “I’m glad you said Mahuffer’s.” Todd’s deep voice penetrated as they found a table off to the left of the main bar. “I love this place.”

  “Me, too.” Stacey smiled.

  Mahuffer’s was an institution along the Pinellas beaches. A door-less beach bar with nothing special other than its unique decor. License plates from all over hung on the walls. Signed dollar bills were stapled on any piece of open wood available. Bras and underwear dangled from the rafters. Bumper stickers were slapped on the tables, the bar, and walls. And though hours were set, the establishment opened when the owner was ready, and closed that way, too.

  Randy had never wanted to grab a beer here. He’d called the place a dive.

  Mahuffer’s was a dive, but one of the most popular dives in Tampa Bay.

  Now, Stacey could do what she wanted, go where she wanted without worrying about what Randy thought. Freedom that had taken her a while to discover underneath her broken heart.

  Stacey looked at her date across the small table. “Thanks for dinner.”

  Todd’s sandy brown hair lay ruffled on his head, giving him a surfer look. He had a lean body like a runner. Not her usual type, but a nice guy.

  Nice. She hated that word. So ordinary, so nondescript. As an English professor and an author, she should be able to come up with something better than nice to describe her date.

  “You’re welcome. I’m glad you said yes.” He gave a lopsided smile. His gaze dipped to her lips, and her stomach dropped like an elevator plummeted five floors.

  Not that he wasn’t good looking. He was in that English-teacher kind of way. The problem was she didn’t get butterflies, nor did her heart skip a beat in his presence. Not like with Ren.

  God! She’d never felt so alive as she had those few glorious days with him. Her physical reaction to him teetered on pornographic ever since the day he’d cornered her in the kitchen. More than that, he’d proved he genuinely cared for her. All the little things he’d done, showing his sensitive, loving, and devoted side. He did everything she asked of him and then some.

  But that was over. It had to be.

  Maybe if she kept telling herself that, one day she’d believe it.

  “I’ve been wanting to ask you out for the last few months. I didn’t know your current situation or if you were ready. I know divorce can be complicated, having lived through it myself, but I thought ‘what the heck.’” His hazel eyes were warm. Todd was a couple years older than her. They had a lot in common. Except no spark, at least not for her.

  “I need to be honest, I’m not quite ready for a relationship. I think you’re great, but I’m still mending from the divorce. I guess you can say I wasn’t expecting it.” If that wasn’t an understatement, she didn’t know what was.

  If she were being totally honest, the spark of feelings for Ren were more unexpected than the dissolution of her marriage. He’d be the reason a relationship with Todd would go nowhere, but brutal honesty wasn’t necessary right now. “I’ve had a wonderful time. I hope you know that. Thank you.”

  He blinked a bit longer than necessary.

  She couldn’t tell if he was disappointed in what she’d said or if he found promise in her words. Either way, she wouldn’t string him along. Her heart was elsewhere.

  “I hope it was wonderful enough to maybe want to do it again.” His voice filled with optimism. “I had a great time.”

  All she could offer was a small smile. “Getting together again would be great, Todd. As friends.”

  He didn’t seem fazed by her words. Instead, he reached across the table and squeezed her hand reassuringly like he understood where she came from.

  A siren blared from a speaker as a guy with salt and pepper hair and a bushy beard plugged his guitar into the amplifier. Todd leaned into her so she could hear. “Seems like we’re going to get drowned out with some live blues.” The man on stage strummed a few chords and the small crowd hooted and hollered. “You want to turn your chair around so you can see the entertainment?”

  Stacey rose from her seat and spun it next to Todd’s. He hung his arm loosely over the back of her chair
as a man crooned into his microphone. Despite not having a physical attraction to Todd, their evening had been comforting. Putting herself back out on the dating scene had frightened her. She’d spent her entire twenties with one man. Dating after being married for ten years intimidated her. This was her first step and if nothing else it felt good to know she could go out on a date and the evening not be a total disaster.

  The musician played a thirty-minute set before pausing for a break. The crowd dispersed, pushing toward the bar for another round of drinks.

  She and Todd stayed seated talking about their summer plans outside of teaching.

  “Aw, hell no!” A deep voice shouted above the hustle and bustle of the crowd. Stacey recognized the voice since it was etched into her memory, her fantasies, and dreams.

  Ren.

  What the hell was he doing at Mahuffer’s?

  She turned to see him being wrapped up by two guys. One she recognized as his surfer best friend and roommate, Tyler, with the floppy blond hair. The other guy she’d never seen, but it took the two of them to keep Ren from charging toward her.

  His gaze blazed with drunkenness and anger. He grappled with his two buddies, trying to get past them. He had every intent to get to her, as she recognized the determination in his eyes. The same look he’d had that first day he pursued her in the kitchen. Nothing would stop him.

  She turned back around. Maybe if she ignored him he’d just leave. Making a scene wasn’t his style. Her heart pounded in her chest and she shuddered. She hadn’t considered that she could run into him while on her date. The thought had never crossed her mind.

  Todd’s fingers thumped on her shoulder as he talked about taking his brother’s boat out on the water tomorrow.

  A scuffle sounded behind them and several stools skidded across the dirt floor. Then Ren coasted in front of them and stopped. His khaki cargo shorts hung low on his waist. A green t-shirt clung to his chest and his biceps like a second skin. A masterpiece. When God created him, he broke the mold.