The Business Of Dying

by Simon Kernick

  If I’d asked an artist to knock out a quick picture of my face, he couldn’t have done a better job. The likeness was uncanny.

  The whole world seemed to cave in on me as the full implications of what I was looking at flooded into my brain like water surging through a burst dam.

  Now I knew that more than at any other time in my entire life, I was in real danger. Not just from the cops, but from people whose faces I didn’t even know.

  But who knew me. And who now realized that I was a lot better off to them dead than alive.

  Raymond was right. I should have fucking shot her.

  Part Three

  UNRAVELLING

  19

  At exactly 12.55 p.m. the next day, I arrived at R.M. Keen’s Funeral Home for the Recently Bereaved, a mouthful if ever there was one. Set slightly back from the road in the attractive, leafy setting of Muswell Hill, it was definitely the sort of place you’d like your corpse to be stored before it went up in smoke. The building itself, hidden from the road by a gentle canopy of beech trees, was a converted nineteenth-century chapel with old-fashioned lattice windows which looked to have kept much of its original character. Fresh flowers sprouted from stone vases on either side of the oak door. I half expected to be greeted by the vicar’s wife. There was a gravel car park out front containing a couple of hearses, a sprinkling of other cars, and Raymond’s royal blue Bentley. So at least I knew he was there.

  The door was locked. A sign on it asked prospective customers to use the intercom and kindly wait for assistance, so I did just that. A few seconds later a grave, middle-aged voice, sounding not unlike Vincent Price, bade me good afternoon and asked how he could be of assistance. I’m all for creating the right atmosphere, but I think this bloke was taking it a bit far.

  ‘I’m here to see Mr Raymond Keen,’ I said as gravely as I could.

  ‘Is Mr Keen expecting you?’

  ‘Yes, he is.’

  ‘And your name is?’

  ‘Mr Milne. Mr Dennis Milne.’

  ‘I’ll just see if Mr Keen is available.’

  Raymond, of course, wasn’t expecting to see me for another hour, and in a completely different location, but I was no longer taking any chances. The e-fit had spooked me sufficiently to start distrusting everyone. Raymond was not going to want me falling into the hands of the police, and if he had to I knew he’d have no qualms about guaranteeing that I didn’t. The only thing going in my favour was the fact that he didn’t know I’d been stopped at a roadblock that night, and had given the police my true identity. At least I hoped he didn’t know. At this point, it wouldn’t have surprised me that much if it turned out he had someone on the inside of the police investigation as well.

  Vincent Price came back over the intercom.

  ‘Mr Keen will see you now. Please come in.’

  I opened the door and walked into the foyer, which was done out in oak panelling. Vincent was sitting behind a large, very tidy desk, although in the flesh he looked more Vince Hill than Price.

  He gave me the standard gloomy look. ‘If you go down the hall, Mr Keen’s office is the last door on the right.’ He pointed to a poorly lit corridor leading to the back of the building, and I followed it down, not bothering to knock when I reached the last door on the right.

  Raymond was smoking a fat cigar and poring through a number of open files spread out in front of him. God knows what they contained. It could have been anything. VAT receipts, profit and loss accounts, information so valuable people had to die for it...

  He looked up and smiled broadly as I came in. ‘Dennis, this is a rare honour, and most unexpected too. Please, take a seat.’

  I sat down in a comfortable, high-backed leather chair that probably cost what I got paid in a month. ‘Yeah, sorry about the intrusion, Raymond. I thought it might be easier if we met here.’

  He continued smiling. ‘Really? And why’s that?’

  I met his stare and held it. ‘Suffice it to say I’m a little bit nervous at the moment.’

  ‘Yes, I’m sure you must be. That photofit of you was a remarkable likeness. Frighteningly so. The question is, what do we do about it?’

  ‘There’s nothing we can do. We’ll just have to sit tight. It’s highly unlikely anyone who knows me’ll think I did it.’

  ‘I should hope not. If they did, it wouldn’t say much about you, would it?’

  I lit a cigarette, thinking that Raymond almost certainly didn’t know about the police questioning me near the scene.

  ‘Well, you asked to meet me, Raymond. So what can I do for you?’

  ‘Too many people know about what happened. Your mate, the one who drove you, he’s one of them . . .’

  ‘He’s all right. He won’t say anything.’

  ‘How can you be sure of that?’

  It was a very good question. Hopefully, because he’d left the country. I hadn’t heard from Danny the previous night after my e-fit had appeared, so I assumed, or hoped at least, that he’d taken my advice.

  ‘The reason I took him was because I knew I could trust him not to start panicking.’

  ‘Have you spoken to him since?’

  ‘Yeah, when I gave him his share. He was pissed off he’d been lied to about the targets, but then so was I ... but it wasn’t a major problem for him. He’ll be all right.’

  ‘You’ve not spoken to him since the photofit came out, then?’

  ‘No, but he told me the other day he was off down the Caribbean for a couple of weeks. To spend a bit of his money.’

  ‘A wise move,’ he said, shuffling some of his paperwork around the desk. ‘And you’re sure that’s where he’s gone?’

  ‘Well, as far as I’m aware, yeah. What are you getting at exactly?’

  ‘Just making sure. I wouldn’t want to think he’s got all worried and gone to the police.’

  ‘He wouldn’t do that.’

  Raymond eyed me closely. ‘So you’ll vouch for him, then?’

  ‘He won’t cause any problems. Like I said, that’s why I took him.’

  ‘Good, good.’ He nodded his head slowly. ‘I only wish I could say the same about the other guy.’

  ‘Which other guy?’

  ‘Our man. The one there on the night, out the front. Waiting for them to arrive. That’s what I wanted to see you about.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ As if I didn’t know.

  ‘He’s a nice lad, don’t get me wrong, and it’s a hard decision to have to make, especially as I know his mother so well, but...’ He sighed, then looked at me as if inviting some sympathetic understanding.

  ‘He’s a liability too. I think we’re going to have to deal with him.’

  I’d never actually met Raymond’s man, the one who’d radioed in the victims’ arrival, but I remembered he’d sounded youngish, no more than twenty-five, and although he’d put on the tough-guy act when talking to me I knew he’d been shitting himself on the night. You can always tell. There’s always something just that little bit shaky in the voice of someone who’s battling unsuccessfully to control fear. Not that he’d had much to worry about. All he’d had to do was watch out for the Cherokee and inform me when it turned up. I’d had the hard part. I assumed I was going to have the hard part now.

  ‘So, what are you telling me for?’

  ‘You know exactly why. You’re my most reliable man, Dennis. A difficult job like this requires the touch of an expert, not some rank amateur.’

  I dragged hard on what was left of my cigarette and shook my head. ‘Jesus, Raymond. This is getting out of hand. We can’t just keep on fucking killing people.’

  ‘He’s the last one, Dennis. You can claim a bet on it.’

  ‘You said that to me five days ago. Your exact words were: “ It won’t happen again.” That was Monday. Today’s Saturday. What are you going to want me to do next week? Assassinate the fucking Pope?’

  ‘Look, I wasn’t to know that the little bitch who saw you’d have a photographic memory, wa
s I? I told you you should have shot her. The fact is, this fucking photofit’s got everybody nervous. Very nervous.’

  ‘And that’s another thing, Raymond. Who exactly is this everybody you’re working with? I hear on the news that I’ve killed an accountant who, as far as anyone knows, had an unblemished record. So, tell me, who are your associates, and what did they want this guy dead for?’

  ‘The more you know, Dennis, the worse it’ll be for you. You know that. Think about it.’

  I sighed. ‘If I take out this other guy, then what’s to stop me being the next on the list?’

  ‘Dennis. At the moment, you’re all right. I know you can’t go to the police and make any sort of deal. Everybody knows that. You’re too heavily involved. There’s so much blood on your hands, it’s dripping on to the carpet.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘I’m just trying to make you feel better, that’s all.’ He shot me a smile that I think was meant to show he knew how I felt, and pointed his cigar in my direction. ‘And if you don’t know anything about the reasons behind what happened then, again, you’re no threat to anyone. No threat means there’s no point in taking you out, so you stay alive. Which is what you want.’

  ‘And Danny?’

  ‘Your mate? Well, if you say he’s all right, he’s all right.’

  I sighed. ‘I just don’t like the way things are going, that’s all. It’s getting out of hand, and in my experience that’s when things start to go wrong.’

  ‘Look, Dennis, I don’t need it either, but it’s what’s got to happen. The bloke’s name is Barry Finn. He’s been walking round the last few days like someone’s got a pair of shears wrapped round his bollocks. He’s jittery, and it’s noticeable. It’s not a situation we can allow to continue.’

  ‘And how much are you offering in payment?’

  He raised his eyebrows. ‘Dennis, this is all about making sure we all stay at liberty, not about making a quick profit. Be serious.’

  ‘Fuck that, Raymond. This whole thing’s about profit, and don’t pretend otherwise. You want me to kill him, you’re going to have to pay up. I’m taking a risk here.’

  ‘You’re taking a bigger risk by not doing it, I promise you.’ There was the first hint of a threat in his voice.

  I looked up at the nicotine-stained ceiling, focusing on a flimsy, dust-covered spider’s web that hung forlornly there. I looked for the spider, but guessed he was long gone.

  ‘When do you want him taken care of?’ I asked wearily, knowing full well that I had no choice.

  ‘As soon as. Preferably before the end of the weekend. Definitely by Monday.’

  ‘It’s not going to be easy. If he’s as paranoid as you say he is, he’s going to expect someone to take a pop at him.’

  ‘Did he see you on the night?’

  I shook my head. ‘No. We just talked on the radio. I couldn’t tell you what he looked like.’

  ‘That’s another reason to use you. He’s worked for me for a long time so he knows what most of my people look like.’

  ‘And if I do it, I want it to be the end of it. Understand?’

  Raymond nodded. ‘Yeah, I understand. It will be.’

  His mobile rang. He looked as though he was going to ignore it, then decided it might be important, and took the call.

  I took the opportunity to light another cigarette. Raymond listened to whoever was talking on the other end for what seemed like quite a long time, told the caller to get over to the funeral home straight away so they could discuss whatever it was that needed discussing, and pocketed the mobile. It sounded like our meeting was over.

  ‘You’re going to need to give me all the details on this guy,’ I told him. ‘Photograph, address, any other relevant information.’

  He smiled. ‘No need.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  He patted his jacket where he’d replaced the mobile. ‘That was him. He’s on his way over here now.’

  20

  ‘This is what I call a stroke of good fortune,’ Raymond said, rubbing his hands together.

  ‘Don’t tell me you want it done here?’

  ‘Why not? It’s as good a place as any. In fact, better. Are you carrying?’

  I was. A six-shot 2.2 I’d bought from Tomboy years back which I kept for emergencies only. I considered my current plight to be as close to an emergency as I was likely to get and I was fully prepared to use it to defend my liberty and maybe my life, although I didn’t like the idea of turning it on someone who presented no direct threat.

  ‘I am, but I don’t want to get it dirty. I need it for protection, and if I have to fire it again down the line I don’t want to have to worry about this thing getting back to me.’

  ‘Don’t worry about that. No one’s ever going to find the body.’

  ‘How can you be sure?’

  ‘Just take my word for it. It’s not going to be found. Have you got a silencer?’

  ‘Of course not. I wasn’t planning on carrying out any assassinations today, believe it or not.’

  He shrugged. ‘No matter. The walls are thick in this place. It was built when things were made to last. No one’ll hear anything.’

  ‘Raymond, for fuck’s sake. This sort of thing needs planning. I can’t just take someone out off the cuff. Not with ten minutes’ notice.’

  He stood up and fixed me with a hard stare. ‘Of course you can. Think positive, Dennis. The problem with you is you’re too fucking negative about everything.’ He looked at his watch quickly. It was a Cartier or Rolex. Flash bastard. ‘Now we’ve got to get things sorted out. He doesn’t live too far away so he’ll be here soon.’

  I started to say something but he shifted his bulk out of the chair and walked past me towards the door, leaving me no option but to follow. He strode purposefully down the hall and up to the front desk. Vincent was still there.

  ‘I’ve got some business that needs sorting, Frank, so I’m going to have to shut up shop. We’re not expecting any deliveries, are we?’

  ‘No, not today, Mr Keen,’ he answered in that funereal drawl of his.

  ‘Well, do me a favour and make yourself scarce, there’s a good man.’

  He didn’t need asking twice. He’d obviously had to piss off at short notice before. I didn’t like the way he looked at Raymond either. There was fear in his expression. He knew things about Raymond he’d rather not know, that was my impression. He nodded, got his coat, and went out the door without another word.

  ‘So, how are we going to do this?’ Raymond said, looking about him for pointers. One word described his overall attitude: excited. He seemed genuinely excited at the prospect of committing murder. ‘Come on, Dennis. Help me out here.’

  I thought about trying to reason with him but knew there was no point. I could have walked out and left him to it, but it wouldn’t have done me any good. One way or another, Raymond’s man was going to die, and at that moment I guessed that if I cooperated in his demise I might be helping myself out at the same time.

  ‘The best thing is to put me on reception. When he arrives, I’ll let him in and tell him to go down to your office. He’ll go down, you’ll start talking, then I’ll come down and knock on the door. You’ll ask me to come in, so in I come. I’ll have a couple of coffees ready. I’ll put them down, you carry on talking to him, and when his back’s turned to me, I’ll shoot him.’

  ‘I don’t know, Dennis. I don’t really want it done in my office. Can’t you just do it here?’

  ‘How?’

  ‘Well, either when he opens the door, or when you’ve directed him down the hall. Maybe you can just walk up behind him and pop him while he’s en route.’

  I shook my head. ‘It wouldn’t work.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Too risky. If he’s as nervous as you say he is, he’ll probably suspect something like that. He’ll be watching his back on the walk down to your office, and if I try anything, chances are it’ll fuck up. Same with shooting
him when he walks in the door. There’s too much scope for failure. It’s got to be done in an enclosed place where he can’t escape.’

  He nodded slowly, digesting my words. ‘All right, fair enough. But we’re going to have to do something about your clothes. You look far too casual to be working in a place of rest, even on a Saturday.’ He disappeared into one of the rooms off the hall and reappeared a few seconds later with a shirt and black tie. ‘That should fit,’ he said. ‘There’s nothing I can do about the jeans. Hopefully by the time Barry notices them he’ll be half a second away from a fully ventilated head.’

  I took the gun out of my leather jacket pocket, removed the jacket and the sweatshirt I was wearing underneath, and chucked them down behind the reception desk, out of sight. I then hurriedly pulled on the shirt and tie and stuffed the gun down the back of my waistband. The shirt was a bit small and I couldn’t do the top button up – not without choking myself, anyway – but I didn’t suppose Barry would be paying too much attention.

  ‘You’ve got to sound very respectful when you speak as well. We’re very customer-orientated in this business. Try to talk slowly, and sound like you’re thinking about what you’re saying.’

  ‘I’ll see what I can do.’

  I sat down behind the desk and lit a cigarette.

  ‘Blimey, Dennis, you can’t just sit there with a fag in your mouth. It doesn’t set the right fucking tone. Respectful, remember.’

  ‘It’s Saturday, and we’re not expecting punters. Call it a perk for having to work odd hours.’

  He shook his head in an annoyed fashion, but let it go. ‘Right, let’s get this straight. You send him down to my office, we start talking—’

  ‘You offer him a cup of coffee because you’re having one yourself. You phone through to me in reception, and I go and make it. Now, where’s your coffee-making equipment?’

  ‘That door behind you goes into a kitchen. All the stuff you need’s in there.’