Submission is Not Enough Kobo

by Lexi Blake

  He wanted so badly to be Theo Taggart again and not the pale, sad imitation.

  He wanted to scrub the scar off his face and be beautiful again. She’d thought he was beautiful. She’d thought he was good.

  He wasn’t good now.

  Robert sat back. “I don’t know, man. I might have forgotten everything I know about women, but that looks like a fuck-you smile to me.”

  Robert hadn’t forgotten everything at all. He had good instincts. “I left her room because I got sick. I wasn’t trying to hurt her. If she can’t get that, then she isn’t the woman I thought she was.”

  “Did you tell her you were leaving? Because I got the idea that you kind of snuck out.”

  “I didn’t want to wake her.” He wasn’t the bad guy here. He’d had the best of intentions. He sure as hell hadn’t wanted to wake up the baby. Then he would have had to deal with the baby.

  He would have to deal with the fact that Erin would have chosen the baby over him.

  Yep, there it was. He was certain Old Theo would never be jealous of a baby. Old Theo wouldn’t have sat up all night holding his head and puking and hating the whole damn world. He even hated his old self. For a few moments he’d been able to feel it, to feel how good it had been that first night. He’d been alive and happy and he’d known he was good for her. His life had settled into place and he’d known what he wanted to do for the rest of his life. He’d wanted to be Erin’s husband, to be her best friend, her Dom, her happy partner. He’d known he could be the man who made her happy.

  He was no longer the man who made her happy. He was the man who disappointed her, who constantly made her life difficult.

  He had to wonder if it wouldn’t be better if hadn’t come back at all. She would likely be happier. She would be at home with her son, finding her way back to the world. Not stuck in his own personal hell.

  Erin said something to Penny and then began to move his way, coffee cup in hand. Dr. Adisa slid into the seat across from Robert, gracefully settling herself in.

  Erin sank into the seat beside him, giving Robert a polite smile. “Good morning, you two. If you haven’t met her, this is Dr. Ariel Adisa. She’s the profiler for Knight’s team. She’s an Oxford trained psychologist who previously worked for Scotland Yard. She also swims through the sea and sings.”

  Ariel laughed. “Yes, I’ll never forgive my parents. They were immigrants and they desperately wanted their first daughter to fit in. For some reason they decided naming me after a Disney princess would do the trick. I suppose I’m lucky they didn’t choose Cinderella. It’s nice to meet you both. I hope you found the accommodations comfortable.”

  “This place is amazing,” Robert said. He didn’t have Theo’s issues. There was a plate with every kind of Danish available sitting in front of him. “I like the catered-in breakfast idea. Not that the last place I worked at didn’t feed us, but it was all nutritionally balanced so our boss could easily keep us in tip-top shape to do her evil bidding. All in all, I’ll take pastries any time.”

  Erin grinned at Robert. “That’s the spirit, my man. You know how to handle the dark shit. You shove it down deep and make quirky jokes about it. I like you.”

  Ariel was still smiling as she tipped her head Robert’s way. “Yes, that’s terribly unhealthy. Don’t listen to Erin. She’s done quite well in therapy. I hope you’ll continue yours while you’re here.”

  Robert was staring at the gorgeous Brit. “Sure. I can do that.”

  Theo hoped Dr. Adisa was ready to have a two hundred pound lovesick puppy following her around. She started to ask Robert a question, but Theo had his own worries.

  Erin turned back to settle into her seat. “I’m sorry for falling asleep on you last night. I certainly would have tried harder to finish the story if I’d known you were going to leave if I didn’t. Should I have your bags moved to Robert’s room? I assume that’s where you went. From what I understand the guest rooms are all full.”

  “Yeah, I went to Robert’s.” He hated the fact that she wouldn’t look at him, but he’d brought it upon himself. He’d promised to stay with her and hadn’t lasted more than an hour without breaking it. That was the story of his life now. He was as unstable an influence as the man in his memory had been a rock. “I couldn’t get to sleep and didn’t want to wake you.”

  Ariel looked over at him, her intelligent eyes focused. “You’re having trouble sleeping? Kai did mention you had nightmares in the beginning.”

  “It’s nothing.” He didn’t need a second shrink up his ass. Getting away from Kai was one of the good things that had happened. He didn’t want another doctor asking him to talk about his issues.

  “He was vomiting like a crazy person because of his migraine. It was awful.” Robert gave him up with what seemed to Theo like an unholy amount of glee. “He really would have kept you up. He kept me up. You should probably take tonight’s shift.”

  Erin turned to him, her eyes going wide. “What? You got sick and didn’t wake me up? What’s wrong? Do we need to bring a doctor in?”

  This was what he’d been trying to avoid. “No. It was a bad migraine. That’s all.”

  She paled visibly. “It’s because I fell asleep. I was right in the middle of a story and I drifted off and you tried to remember. It’s my fault.”

  “It wasn’t your fault.” He reached out for her hands, grasping them in between his and holding them. “It was mine. I didn’t try to remember. When you fell asleep, I think I did sort of stumble into the memory. Unless my mind was playing tricks on me.”

  “Which story was it?” Robert asked, watching them like they were the best TV show ever. “How you two met? He didn’t tell me, just said that after he remembered he pushed it and tried to remember more. Always a bad idea. It leads to the headache, which for most people is enough of a deterrent, but if you push it hard, it’ll lead to an insane migraine where you can’t move or you throw up. Theo’s awesome at getting to that point. He used to do it all the time back at Forgetful Base Camp. Dude liked to vomit.”

  “It’s an extreme conditioned response,” Ariel explained. “She placed triggers in his brain that cause his body to react. It’s quite fascinating. Evil, but fascinating.”

  Erin’s hands started to shake in his. He was going to beat the shit out of Robert. No doubt about it. He hadn’t wanted Erin to see him like that and now she was going to worry he was some insane mental bomb waiting to go off.

  Which he kind of was.

  It didn’t matter at that moment. All that mattered was calming her down. She had enough stress. He couldn’t do it like this. Erin had always required touch over words. He tugged her up and had her sitting in his lap before she could protest. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tight, trying to give her that bound sensation that would make her feel safe and secure.

  “I’m fine, brat. It was a rough night, but I got through it. Calm down. I’m okay.” He kept his voice low. She would hate their problems being aired in front of everyone, but he couldn’t let her sit and stew.

  It took a moment, but she finally relaxed against him. She curled on his lap, her face turning up. “You’re sure we shouldn’t call in Faith? She could take a look at you. She’s coming to the meeting so it wouldn’t be out of her way or anything.” She looked over at Ariel. “You have some medical training, right?”

  “Some,” Ariel agreed. “But this is more a mental problem than a physical one. As long as he stops thinking about the incident that triggered his response, he should be all right.”

  “I’m fine this morning.” He was way better now. Holding her was calming him down, too. He breathed in the scent of her shampoo. Milk and honey. The damn smell always seemed to send a wave of peace through him.

  “Did you really remember?” Erin whispered the question.

  “I think so. You ended up crying in my arms. You cried for a long time, but holding you made me feel right. It was almost as good as making love to you.”

  “D
ude, it was a sex story?” Robert said. “She’s telling you sex stories?”

  Erin turned Robert’s way. “I’m beginning to not like you.”

  Theo couldn’t see the look she’d sent him, but it had Robert on his feet, plate in hand. “I’m going to go and get a second helping before the Aussie shows up. I heard he can eat anything.”

  Ariel stood as well. “He’s right. Brody is like a lion. He comes in and picks the buffet clean. I’ll keep Robert company for a moment.”

  “That’s my brat. She scares all the boys away.” He felt grateful to the shrink as she walked away. Somehow he couldn’t bring himself to set Erin back in her own chair. He knew he should, but she felt so fucking right sitting there in his lap, and it wasn’t like anyone would think them unprofessional. Damon Knight had walked in and swept his wife up in a passionate kiss.

  “I thought you changed your mind,” she said quietly.

  He had to be honest with her. “I change my mind on an hourly basis, but it’s not because my feelings for you change. It’s because I worry I’m not what’s best for you.”

  She groaned, but her head nestled in the crook of his neck. “You’re not smart enough to know what’s best for me.”

  He had the almost overwhelming impulse to turn her over his knee then and there. “Watch it, brat. You know what I’m talking about. I’ve brought you a hell of a lot of trouble these past few weeks and it won’t stop. It might never get back to normal.”

  “Then we find a new normal, Theo.” She huffed, a frustrated sound, and moved off his lap, straightening her slacks and the prim white button-down she was wearing. “The fact that you had a full-on memory should tell you that you’re not so far gone. Even if you were, even if you never truly remembered our past together, has it occurred to you that you could make new memories with me? Or does life have to be over because one fucking bad thing happened to you?”

  He sat up straighter. “It was a big bad thing, Erin. Don’t treat it like I got a hangnail and decided I couldn’t continue with life. I was tortured. I had my memory erased. It was awful and it changed me.”

  “So change back.”

  Like it was that easy. Like he could make the decision to be someone he no longer was.

  “You know what your trouble is, Taggart?” Erin’s voice was so low he could barely hear her. “Your trouble is you didn’t know what real heartbreak was until now and you have zero idea how to handle it.”

  He felt his face flush. It was a damn good thing she was doing this in front of an audience and not in the club because he didn’t like the way she was talking to him. Not one fucking bit. He might have been a soft-hearted Dom in the past, might have played around with it, but he was harder now. She was pushing him, and he already knew so well that he could break. “Are you serious? Because growing up with an absentee father who left us when we were kids was awesome. And you know I was a freaking Navy SEAL. It’s not like I haven’t known a day’s hardship or sacrifice.”

  “And yet you used to be so beautifully optimistic despite what happened to you. Forgetting all your pain really fucked you up, baby.”

  He was pretty sure his jaw dropped. “Are you kidding me?”

  She was saved from having to answer by the door opening and the rest of the crew striding in for the meeting. Including a newcomer. He was lean and tall, looking more like a cowboy walking off the range than a former CIA agent. He knew it was Tennessee Smith because Faith was clinging to his hand and looking up at him like he was the sun in the sky. Or the dude who needed a shave. Ten Smith was a grim-looking man who lit up when he stared down at his wife.

  This man had been his CO, a close friend. It had been trying to save this man that had cost him his life.

  Why the hell couldn’t he feel something?

  Another man walked in behind Ten, and this one Theo remembered.

  Ezra Fain. CIA agent. Ten still worked for the Agency as a contractor, splitting his time between McKay-Taggart and government work, but Fain was a company man. If he was here then Ian needed something from the Agency.

  “Theo, man, I can’t tell you how good it is to see you.” Ten crossed the distance between them, his hand out.

  Theo shook it. “It’s nice to meet…see you again.”

  Ten stared for a moment. “Damn, brother, I’m sorry about what she did to you. I was only in that woman’s tender care for a day or so. I can’t imagine what months with her could do.”

  He didn’t want to think about it. He was tired of all the sympathetic glances. This was exactly why he thought about walking away. No one would ever look at him without feeling sorry for what he’d gone through. No one would look at him like Erin had that first night, like he was everything. Everyone here knew he was damaged beyond repair.

  “I’m fine,” he replied, knowing no one in the world would buy it. He looked past Ten and Faith to the only man in the room he was certain didn’t know him before. “Fain, good to see you. What’s the Agency up to these days?”

  Ezra Fain was a dark-haired man who looked like he had way too many secrets. Despite the fact that Theo was sure many women would call him handsome, there was a darkness to the man that made him wary. Fain’s lips curled up in a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “A little of this and a dash of that. You know how we are. We like to keep our hands in all the pies.”

  “Yeah, well he came up with some intel that we need so I offered to bring him along. He’s heading back to the States in a couple of days so we don’t have to put up with him for long.” Ten rolled his eyes and ran his hand across the beard that totally needed a shave. All that scruff made his former CO look a little like a dangerous hobo.

  A genuine smile crossed Fain’s face as he walked over to Erin. “Ms. Argent, it’s a pleasure to see you again. How is your son doing?”

  She gave him a grin that threatened to light up the room. “He’s good, thank you. Growing like a weed.”

  Fain held her hand in between his. “I’m so glad to hear that. The last time I spoke with Case and Mia he’d been sick.”

  She shook her head. “An ear infection, nothing more, but I’m sure for Mia it seemed like the end of time. My boy can cry. He lets the world know he’s in pain, if you know what I mean.”

  “You can let go of her hand now.” What the fuck was that asshole doing standing there holding her hand like they were old friends or something?

  Fain let go, holding his hands up as though to show he meant no harm. “I apologize if I was too familiar. I’m afraid I spend most of my time out in the field, so when I meet a woman like your sister-in-law or Erin, who is completely forthright and honest, I tend to enjoy their company very much.”

  According to Case, Fain had been more than half in love with Mia. Was he thinking of coming after another Taggart woman? “You should find your own then.”

  Ten was staring at Theo like he’d grown horns. “What’s wrong with you?”

  Erin merely rolled her eyes. “Don’t bother, Ten. He’s a dog with two bones. Let him be. Ezra, it is good to see you. Don’t mind Mr. Grumpy.”

  “You probably should mind Mr. Grumpy,” Knight said, sitting down at the head of the table. “From what I understand, he’s also turned into Mr. Beats on People.”

  “Or Mr. Stabs Assholes who can’t keep their hands to themselves in dark alleys.” Robert had his back.

  “We’ll have to work on that.” Ariel sank back into her seat, obviously ready to get the meeting started. “If he attempts to murder everyone who flirts with his sub, it could get nasty around here. Our men are all manwhores.”

  Nick chuckled as he grabbed a cup of coffee. “This I can promise is true. He tries to kill me, but we all know Russian fighters are the best in the world.”

  “Why don’t we stop worrying about Taggart’s understandable jealousy and get down to the task at hand?” Knight nodded to his wife, who sat down beside him.

  Ten and Faith took seats across from Theo. Just as Fain was about to sit beside E
rin, Brody Carter claimed the seat. The massive Aussie smiled his way. “Sorry, mate. This is my seat. Custom done because as we all know, Aussies are bigger than other men. More respectful, too.”

  Yeah, he liked the Aussie.

  “Tell me I didn’t miss anything.” A sprite of a woman slipped into the room, her dark hair sleek and falling to her waist. She was Asian-American with a Cali accent he couldn’t mistake. “I heard there was drama last night, but I was busy downloading a member of parliament’s hard drive.”

  “Kayla.” Knight’s voice was a sharp bark. “New friends.”

  She looked over at Fain and shook her head. “Dude, the Agency knows all about corrupt politicians.” When Knight wouldn’t smile she sighed. “Fine. I was out in the West End with girlfriends having fun and not slipping anyone a roofie so I could avoid sleeping with them. Thanks for that, Ari. It was so helpful. He went down fast. And Damon, next time find someone hot for me to not sleep with. That dude was the poster child for the need for better body odor elimination technology. Not that he existed or anything.”

  It was Knight’s turn to sigh. “Theo, this is Kayla Summers. She’s our resident close cover expert. Owen and Walter are out on assignment this morning so this is the crew for now. Mr. Smith and Mr. Fain have come to us with some new intel.”

  Finally he could stop worrying about his personal life and get down to business. One of the reasons he was happy to be out of Dallas was the fact that perhaps Damon Knight would let him work in a way his brothers wouldn’t. They gave him desk jobs and research work. He needed to be out there in the field hunting her down.

  Or being the bait for the trap that brought her in. He didn’t care which as long as he was involved. Work would take his mind off things, give him focus.

  Work would make him forget that fucking Ezra Fain had made her smile because he’d asked about TJ when Theo wouldn’t even check on the kid. He’d held him, but the boy had been asleep. Anyone could hold a sleeping baby. It was an awake one that made him worry. An awake one would need his father and Theo wasn’t it. No matter what biology said.