Only Heaven Knows

by Sable Hunter

  She pulled back. “Did I hurt you?”

  “No.” He recovered, but regaining his composure did little for the state of his cock. He was still aroused and aching. “I’m fine.”

  After one last lingering touch to his pec, she let her eyes wander south. “Are there any other places that need atten…cha…oh, my goodness.” Her eyes popped up to meet his, then narrowed. “You’re not supposed to be enjoying this so much.”

  He pointed to her shirt. “You’re enjoying it too.”

  Bryn stared down to see how her swollen nipples were tenting her shirt. “Traitors.” She stood up. “Okay, you’re good to go. Now, I’ll fix you something to eat.”

  “Why are you being so nice to me?”

  Bryn was taken aback by his question. “Well, why wouldn’t I be nice to you? We’re friends, aren’t we?” She pressed her lips together and crossed her arms across her chest. “Don’t start about me being grateful to you, not tonight. Not when I’m trying to apologize.”

  “Ah-ha!” He pointed a finger at Bryn. “I knew it!”

  “Knew what?” She really didn’t want to discuss this.

  “You just said it, you’re being nice to me as an apology for not going all the way with me the other night.”

  “At least you didn’t think I was being nice to you because of the car.” She paused and thought a moment. “For not going all the way with you…where?”

  Denver couldn’t help but laugh. Again, she didn’t understand his suggestive talk. “You are irresistible.” He gave into the need driving him to pull her into his arms. Sitting back down, he pulled her into his lap. “Could you be honest with me about something?”

  “I…try very hard not to lie, Denver.” She clasped her hands together to keep from grasping onto him.

  “I bet.” She was very nearly perfect in his estimation. “Anyway, what happened the other night? Exactly? Did I scare you? Because, I’ve been beating myself up about this.”

  “No! We talked about this. Remember?” She grabbed one of his hands in hers. “You didn’t do anything wrong. It was me!”

  “I don’t believe you.” At her look of dismay, he started over. “I’m not saying that you’re lying, I’m saying that it’s not right. Do you believe what we did was wrong? A sin?”

  She placed his hand on her heart. “I’ve struggled with it, what I was taught.” Bryn shook her head. “But no. I don’t think so. We’re not hurting anyone, not betraying anyone.”

  Denver didn’t know why he was pushing the issue, but he needed to understand. “So, you don’t think sex outside of marriage is a sin?”

  Bryn chewed on her lower lip. He was forcing her to look at herself far more closely than she was comfortable with. “No. If you’re not lying to anyone and there’s no potential of hurting anyone else.” Looking up into his face, she told him how she felt. “With me, that’s not a factor in my decision. Since I don’t plan to marry, I’m not saving myself for anyone.”

  Denver was torn between two questions that he wanted to ask simultaneously. “If that’s the case, what happened the other night? If I didn’t scare you and you weren’t feeling guilty, what did I do wrong?” She opened her mouth to speak, but he blurted out another question before she could say a word. “And why don’t you plan to marry?” He couldn’t explain why this was so important to him, especially considering that he didn’t plan on marrying either.

  Bryn swallowed hard and bowed her head. “I didn’t know what I was doing. I felt inadequate and uncomfortable. I guess you could say my upbringing made it worse, but I felt out of place.”

  Her answer hit Denver hard. “I made you feel those things?” His experience wasn’t vast, but he knew a man’s greatest responsibility was to make the woman in his arms feel desired enough to respond.

  “None of it was your fault, Denver. I come with an immense amount of baggage.”

  This surprised him. “I didn’t think you had any baggage at all. Is this why you don’t think you’ll ever marry? What are you talking about, Bryn?”

  Bryn pushed out of his lap, walked across the room, and looked out the window. “I don’t want to lie to you.” She paused, tracing her name in the fog on the glass.

  “Then, don’t.” It seemed simple to him.

  “I don’t want to tell you, yet. I need time.”

  “Time to do what?”

  He walked up so close behind her that she could feel the heat of his body warming her skin. “Time to make a decision. Time to come to terms with that decision.” Bottom line, she knew that telling him the truth would end their relationship – whatever that relationship might be at that point. The closer she allowed herself to grow to him, the more it would hurt when he walked away.

  “Are you married, Miss Bryn?”

  The question floored her. “No.” Unless one counted the time she was married to God. “I wouldn’t play around on my husband.”

  Bryn felt an uneasy tugging in her gut. Maybe Denver had come a little too close to a truth she’d been unaware existed. Did she feel guilty for breaking her vows? Even though the choice to leave the Order hadn’t been hers?

  Denver sighed. “I know you wouldn’t. You have the purest soul I’ve ever known.”

  His assessment made Bryn’s heart hurt. “Don’t say that, I don’t.” She wiped her eyes and turned around. “This isn’t a good time to have this debate. You need to rest.”

  Denver’s arms felt so empty they ached. “I miss you, Miss Bryn. I need you.”

  His heartfelt admission rocked Bryn. Going on tiptoe, she put her arms around him. “Give me just a little time to work things out in my head.” She kissed his neck. “Just know this, you did nothing wrong. All of the things worrying me are my problems, not yours.”

  Denver wrapped his arms around her, cradling her to him, loving the way she felt nestled against him. “Is that supposed to make me feel better? Don’t you know that I feel a great need to solve those problems for you? Whatever they are?”

  For just a moment, Bryn rested against him. Letting out a long breath, she relaxed in his arms. She allowed herself to imagine unburdening herself to this man, knowing that nothing she could say would cause him to turn his back on her. The idea was amazing. She felt so light and free. The feeling was indescribable…and impossible. She closed her eyes knowing that particular dream would never come true. “I know you would move heaven and earth for me, if you could.” But he couldn’t. This was her lot in life. She would always have to settle for half a loaf. They could be together, but they could never be together for forever.

  Bryn just needed to decide if she could accept this, or if she needed to walk away before they were both in too deep.

  He knew he was fighting his own war. How could he promise to fix things for Bryn, when he couldn’t even fix them for himself? Nevertheless, he would try. “Damn straight, I would,” Denver said, kissing her hair.

  “Just give me a few days, a little time to think. Okay?”

  Denver let out a long sigh. “Okay.” He rested his head on hers. “I tell you what, the carnival is coming to town this weekend. Would you like to go with me?”

  She’d never been to a carnival – of course. “Yes, I’d love to go with you.” Bryn stepped back enough to see his face. “I’m going to kiss you. Just one kiss.”

  She layered her mouth to his and kissed him gently, sweetly. Denver had to brace himself not to deepen the kiss, ravish her, and make her his. “One kiss is not enough.”

  “You need to rest,” she told him, letting her palm linger on his chest. They were both still as she took the measure of his heartbeat.

  The look in her eyes told Denver she didn’t want to leave. That knowledge would have to be enough – for now. “Okay, but you call me when you get home, so I’ll know you made it.”

  “Okay.” She turned to go.

  “The minute you get home,” he said. “I’ll be standing right here, I won’t move until I hear from you.”

  “I will.” With
her emotions all over the place, Bryn ran to her car, started it up and drove home. The trip was short, and she didn’t forget. Just as soon as she was in her house and the door was locked, she phoned him. “I’m here.”

  “Good. Sleep well, Miss Bryn. I’ll call you.”

  “Thank you. I look forward to our date.”

  “Me too.” He ended the phone call, made himself a sandwich, then made for his bed.

  As he closed his eyes, he kept seeing that big rock turn blue…then disappear.

  * * *

  Time is an illusion, is it not?

  Cady’s words kept echoing in Bryn’s head in the days after the incident at the old well. Sometimes the minutes seemed to flow quickly, like a fast-moving stream and she delighted in the idea she’d soon be with him again. At other times, the seconds seemed to flow like molasses, hardening into amber, each tick of the clock an eternity as Bryn tried to decide what to do. Could she give herself to Denver, knowing it wasn’t for always? Or could she be happy never knowing what she’d missed? Never knowing what it meant to be taken by a man whom you desired more than life?

  More than once, she marveled at the changes in her world. Not too many weeks ago, she thought her life to be over when Mother Superior had turned her away. She still felt the loss acutely. Mainly due to the price she’d had to pay. The shock had been too much for Sister Mary Estelle, her heart giving out when she learned her daughter in faith would no longer be accepted by the church. The loss of her mentor had been even worse than the loss of her place in the church. At first, she’d begged to return. How would she endure? The convent was the only home she’d known since being rejected by the couple who’d taken her in, given her a home, then brought her back, turning away from her as if she’d never loved or been loved by them. For years, she’d dreamed they’d come back for her, beg her forgiveness, and take her home.

  But…they’d never come.

  In the same way, after moving to Kerrville, she’d dreamed the nuns would come for her, Mother Superior would see the error of her ways and beg Bryn’s forgiveness.

  Come home, Sister Brianna. You are forgiven.

  How sad to know she’d never receive their forgiveness. Even sadder to realize she didn’t really understand why she needed it. How could her deeds be wrong, when the things she did were only acts of kindness?

  Such were the things she pondered. Her fate. Her future. Choices.

  Bryn welcomed the tasks at the shop. Having something to do, something to fill the hours was a blessing. She was grateful to be permanent, instead of a temp. She was also frugal, saving every penny so she could pay Denver the money she owed him.

  She was also heartened by Tricia’s happiness. After nearly losing Lance, she’d accepted his marriage proposal and Bryn found great solace in helping her boss prepare for a wedding. They had little time. Lance was impatient. The ceremony was to be the day after tomorrow.

  Today, she made summer arrangements to store in the cooler. Many people were having parties and wanted flowers to brighten their day. As she did so, it occurred to Bryn how much she’d missed. Maybe tonight, with Denver, she could make up for some of those things. If he didn’t change his mind…he hadn’t called as he’d promised he would.

  Ting!

  “Well, hello, Bryn Harmon. How’s it shaking?”

  “Hello, Freddy.” She smiled at Tricia’s platonic friend. “I’m doing good. How are you?”

  “Can’t complain. Where’s your boss lady?”

  “In the back, hold on.” Bryn stepped from behind the counter and tapped on the office door. “Tricia, Freddy’s here to pick you up for lunch.”

  “Thanks, Bryn. Be right there.”

  While Bryn was in the back, she made a detour to the storeroom for more ribbon. When she returned Freddy asked her if he could use their restroom.

  “Sure.” She pointed to a back hall. “It’s across the hall from the storeroom.”

  “Watch it when you go outside, there’s a dead bird next to the door. He just flew into the window and broke his neck.”

  As he stepped away, Bryn raced outside, hoping Freddy was wrong and the bird had just been stunned. Maybe he’d flown away by now. “Oh, no,” she cried when she peered on the ground and saw it laying lifeless, it’s head laying at an odd angle. “Poor bird.”

  Inside, Tricia made her way to the front of the shop. “I’m ready!” She found Freddy waiting near the front window watching Bryn, who was outside. “What’s she doing?”

  “I don’t know.” Freddy walked closer to the window. “I told her there was a dead bird outside. It flew into the window and broke its neck.”

  “Oh, no, poor thing.” Tricia moved closer. “I bet Bryn buries it, she’s so soft hearted.”

  Outside, Bryn knelt and cradled the bird in her palms. “You didn’t see the glass, did you? You thought the reflection was another path to the sky. I’m so sorry. Let me help.” She placed one hand over the bird as she held him in the other. “Your time shouldn’t have been cut short because your vision wasn’t clear.” Closing her eyes, she willed the bird to live, sending hope and love from her heart to the heart of the tiny bird. Bryn felt warmth rise in her body and flow from her fingertips. Feeling a slight flutter in her hand, she smiled and rose to her feet, raising her arms over her head. “Fly, little bird, fly.” She opened her hands and as the bird took flight, Bryn laughed with joy.

  Back inside, Freddy was flabbergasted. “Did you see that?”

  “The bird must’ve just been stunned.” Tricia covered her mouth and stared at the tiny creature winging its way heavenward.

  Freddy looked at Tricia with wide eyes. “No, the neck was obviously broken.”

  Tricia didn’t know what to say.

  When Bryn returned, Freddy eyed her like she would sprout horns at any minute. “Anything you want to tell us, Saint Bryn of Assisi?”

  “No.” Bryn shrugged her shoulders, her heart rate racing out of control. She’d been caught. Again! “I like animals.”

  Tricia gave her a funny look, but she didn’t push it. “Freddy and I are headed to the Grillhouse. Can we bring you anything back?”

  “No thanks. I’m good,” Bryn said, just wishing they would go on and let the matter drop.

  “She probably has a couple of stones she plans on turning into bread behind the counter.” Freddy kept on with his miracle comparisons.

  “Don’t be blasphemous, Freddy Danvers.” She shook her finger at him. “God will smite you!”

  Freddy stepped back a little and Tricia giggled. “Watch those lightning bolts, they sting, Freddy.”

  Peering back over his shoulder to keep an eye on Bryn, Freddy followed Tricia to the door. To her dismay, he wiggled his fingers at her, as if magic was flowing from them and he made a spooky whoo-hoo sound with his lips.

  “Stop it,” she whispered, narrowing her eyes at him in mock warning.

  Freddy pretended to shiver and laughed.

  “Hey, what’s going on?” Denver asked as he approached the door to see a man making eyes at his girl.

  “Oh, hey, Denver!” Tricia came forward to hug him. “Don’t pay any attention to Freddy. He was just teasing Bryn about being magical. He thought he saw her bring a bird back to life.”

  “I did see her do it!” Freddy insisted. “That bird was very dead. She picked it up, spoke to it, and it flew away. I tell you, she can do stuff. I wouldn’t put it past her to be in there putting a whammy on me as we speak.”

  “Oh, she has magical powers, all right,” Denver agreed, holding Freddy’s gaze. “I’m completely under her spell. In fact, I am at her beck and call. Her dragon slayer. You wouldn’t be doing anything to upset her, would you?”

  Tricia laughed as Freddy held up his hands defensively. “Oh, hell, no. I was just teasing her about working miracles. I called her Saint Bryn and said she probably turned stones to bread for her lunch – that’s all. It was a compliment. Really.”

  Denver nodded, winked at Lance’s fianc�
�e, then stood his ground until Freddy walked away.

  “Damn, he’s big and scary,” the man whispered to Tricia, who laughed and agreed.

  Behind the counter, Bryn watched the spectacle outside the door. Not wanting to hear what they were saying about her, she turned the radio up. Wasn’t this just her luck? She hadn’t heard from Denver all week, then he shows up at the worst possible moment. If Freddy was telling Denver what he’d seen her do, she didn’t want to know. A few moments later, when he entered the shop, she greeted him brightly enough that Denver wouldn’t expect anything was amiss. “Hey! What are you doing in town at this hour?”

  Denver gave her an indulgent smile, his dark eyes twinkling. “Picking up a load of cattle feed. I thought I’d drop by and make sure we were still on for tonight.”

  “Yes, please,” Bryn answered, letting out a relieved sigh. She was feeling a bit shy with him, considering their last conversation and what had just happened with Freddy. “Unless you’ve changed your mind.”

  “Not a chance.” He tipped his Stetson, speaking loud enough so she could hear him over the radio. “Actually, I just wanted the chance to see your face. We’ve been really busy, catching up on things before Lance and Tricia leave for their honeymoon.”

  “How sweet of you to say that.” Realizing she was almost shouting, she apologized and turned down the volume on the radio. “Sorry. Sometimes the noise helps me concentrate.”

  “Do you like this song?” Denver listened a moment. “Broken Halos, isn’t it?”

  Bryn glanced at the radio. “Yea, it’s sort of my…theme song.”

  “Oh, really.” Denver nodded. “Nice, I’ll remember that. Anyway, I’ll pick you up at six?”

  “Yea, I’ll be ready. Can’t wait.” She hugged herself tightly as Denver backed out of the shop. As soon as he was out of sight, she sagged against the counter. “I can’t believe you did that again! Haven’t you learned anything?” Bryn hoped she hadn’t set off a chain of events that would lead to another fiasco like what happened at the convent. If she had to leave again, she didn’t know where she’d go.