Anna and I hop in a cab back to the apartment.
“Are you okay Lex?”
“Not really Anna, give me time, I’ll get there.”
“I don’t doubt that Bandita, you’re the strongest chick I know.”
“Thanks for believing in me Anna.”
“Always,” she sighed. “Are you scared about Luc showing up? I can’t get that bastard out of my head.”
“He came by the hospital twice last night, on his first visit he had a run in with Dylan and Dylan was arrested. Dylan is in big trouble because he wanted to take care of me. Look what happens when he’s in my life, I just mess things up,” I said, looking out the window. The weather is below temperature for the middle of February but the sun is shining bright despite my dreary mood.
“That’s so not true,” Anna raised her voice pulling me from my own circle of bad thoughts. I’m not the right girl for Dylan as much as it hurts to admit, it’s true. She opened her mouth to speak then shut it again and my bad thoughts are confirmed.
My mind shifts to Luc, maybe it’s my protective mechanism kicking in or the fact that at age twenty-five I feel so lonely. Seven years of meaningless hook-ups left me feeling nothing more than empty. The crazy part was that I knew what everlasting love felt like and what it meant to belong to someone and have them belong to you, but after so much pain and suffering sometimes the road back to each other isn’t smooth. At least with Dylan and me, the road has been one bumpy ride.
My mind drifted to Luc as I remembered Dylan mentioned that he thought Luc believed we still had a chance to work things out. A part of me felt sorry for him even though I knew I shouldn’t. Especially after the damage he’d caused. I wonder if I should be scared of Luc. The rational part of me said ‘definitely be scared,’ but deep down I felt like he was never capable of such brutality. The silence in the cab permeated as I contemplated my life. I’m grateful to Anna for giving me the space I needed to figure things out.
As we head into the apartment, it felt like I hadn’t been home for ages. I felt like a different person, with different needs and goals. The life I had lead here seemed foreign and now unwanted. My wish in that moment was to pack up and leave town. Start a new life where no one knew me and the baggage of my past didn’t haunt me. I knew I couldn’t walk away from my life knowing I had people that loved me, that cared for me, that supported me. This would be part of my recovery, facing things head on, no more running.
Chapter 12
Baby Steps
Lexi
After taking a shower and allowing the hot water to sear my aching bones, Anna helped me back into bed. My stomach was bruised and sore, my stitches had disintegrated and I knew I needed to push myself harder to get my physical strength back and get back to school.
“Do you want a tea or something?” Anna asked with a light smile.
“No, I’m good, thanks Anna.”
“I’m glad you're back Lex, it was lonely here without you,” she said with soft eyes as she leaned against my door frame. I can’t help but feel grateful. I may not have a man to lean on but I have a true friend and her support makes me feel a little less alone.
“Me too,” I whispered as exhaustion took over my achy body.
Anna closed the lights and walked out of my room leaving the door open. I heard her own bedroom door close a moment later. I need to call Dylan and tell him I left the hospital, but I will put that off for morning. I told him I wanted to leave but I was vague as to when I would and I don’t want him to worry. This assault charge was the last thing he needed. I had to find a way to reason with Luc and make him drop those charges. I move my body slowly curving into the familiar folds of my old mattress. It’s nice to be back in my own comfy soft bed with my old rugged pillows and warm comforter. The hospital bed felt like a board and the pillow felt like rocks. My eyes closed and I’m lulled off to a peaceful sleep.
Warm fingers caress my face, my eyes flick open and he’s here. Kneeling beside my bed, his green eyes look sad and small. He’s wearing a black wool coat and a mustard scarf around his neck. He’s watching me intently. The emotion on his face giving away his intense feelings for me.
“Why are you here?” I asked unsure if I was talking to a ghost. I didn’t feel scared, if he wanted to hurt me, he would have while I was asleep.
“You’re my wife, I love you,” he replied, his voice cracking. His hand brushed over his mouth.
“You hurt me and you have to stop coming by uninvited. This is not okay, none of it is okay,” my voice shakes as I try to hide the fear crawling up my body.
“I don’t remember, I don’t know what happened, you said I hurt you…I don’t remember anything, please tell me, please help me remember,” he urged as he raked his fingers through my hair. “I took drugs Alexis, and I drank too much. I know what you think of those things…I hated for you to see me intoxicated, but I was faced with demons… the arrest…I think my father framed me…” His heavy lidded eyes darted to mine and I thought he searched for some remorse but I had nothing to offer.
“Your father framed you? That’s why you were arrested?” I asked with a shocked tone. My own father disowned me and never turned back, which was traumatizing in itself. To intentionally have your own child locked up to me seemed even more dreadful for some reason.
“Yeah, that’s why we were followed in Hawaii, that’s why my father pushed me into transferring money there…I think he wanted to get rid of me… what he didn’t plan for was that CSIS found out other things about his own dealings and now INTERPOL is following him. He’s very angry and vengeful right now….” his voice trailed off and he bowed his head down looking at the floor. To me this was a sign of shame. I remembered bowing my own head around my mother or other adults when I was younger, it was because I felt less than everyone else. Having put up with my mother’s abuse for so long, made me feel unworthy, the natural response was to bow my head before people that I felt were more worthy than myself. Oh. Was that what Luc was doing now?
“Luc I’m sorry but no parent should behave toward their child that way.”
“You understand don’t you?” he smirked sadly, his head lifting up and his eyes bored into mine. His look was intense and thirsty. I think for love.
“How can you not remember?” I asked needing to understand how he beat me so badly and had no recollection.
“I don’t know. The drugs… the alcohol…I’ve always been a bad drinker, alcohol makes me aggressive, that’s why I never drink, I’ve never done drugs before. Please believe me. I couldn’t handle being locked up Alexis,” he stared into my eyes. “I told you about my post-traumatic stress disorder, I was losing my mind in that jail cell. When the inmate in the next cell offered me some white powder and he said it would take the edge off, I took it without thinking. I didn’t care, I wanted to die at that point. I took the drugs, it made me feel happy and my neighbor in the next cell kept getting me more. When I was released on bail, I walked out the doors of the jail to the air, to my freedom, but I didn’t feel free I still felt like I was locked in a cage, I took more drugs and more, I had no idea what I was doing, then I stopped for a few drinks in a bar,” he paused, his eyes swelling. “I knew you knew the truth about me, I saw you in the courtroom when my charges were read, I watched you faint. I wanted you so bad, you accepted me, and I thought you may have even loved me, I liked belonging to you Alexis, your bright eyes, your kind heart, I’ve never met a woman like you and I was selfish, I couldn’t let you go. I knew I was unworthy of your love, but it didn’t stop me from wanting it,” he confessed as he squinted his eyes and nodded his head clearly pained by his own decisions.
Holy Shit!! It’s as if Luc’s words have triggered my own realizations, the way Luc views my relationship with him, that is the way I viewed Dylan when we were together. I now realize how much Luc and I have in common, the bond of two broken children who feel unworthy of love and took solace in each other. My heart breaks for Luc and my heart breaks for me.
My heart also breaks for my unborn child that died.
“Please don’t.” I lifted my hand to stop him from touching me, my last thought turned my blood cold. No matter what we’ve shared in the past…I can’t let him believe we have a chance to be together. His eyes search mine trying to understand my rejection. I sense his confusion.
“Why?”
“You hurt me badly,” I explained causing him to snap up to his feet. He walked over to the window. I noticed that it’s open. A cold chill permeated the room causing me to shiver. With his back turned to me his body began to convulse. I think he was crying.
“Luc?” I said his name but it was more like a question.
“Alexis, how would you feel if you found out you were a monster just like your mother?” His hand covers his mouth and his body continues to shake although he is trying to gain composure.
His question hits me hard, I’m nothing like Mom, but I remember my phone call to Mom when I told her I was pregnant and married and she told me I followed in her footsteps. It scared the hell out of me, to think I was anything like her. It made me want to crawl out of my skin. What Luc is experiencing must be so much worse, he became a violent bastard like his father. I didn’t think he had it in him, not after the way he repeatedly took care of me, but once he started to break down and the layers of his personality were shredding, a violent man, a monster stood at the core. I can’t imagine how Luc will come to grips with the damage he’s done, deep down I know he is a kind soul who was driven down a cruel path. I remember how he saved me from drowning in Kauai, the look of fear he had in his eyes when he thought I was hurt. Those are moments I can’t deny or forget.
He stands looking wounded and waiting for my answer. How would I feel? Our situations are so different that I can’t answer his question or help with his torment. I remain silent.
“Please go Luc. We have nothing more to say,” I responded knowing that he needed support and a shoulder to cry on but I couldn’t be that for him, we had been damaged beyond repair. There was no going back.
With pain in his eyes he nodded his head and made his way out the window, his large frame squeezing through. I wonder how on earth he climbed to the second floor. I stare at the window until I can see he’s gone and I get out of bed and close the window locking it. Once the window is locked I sigh in relief.
I shivered as I made my way back into bed pulling the covers up to my chin. A mix of sorrow and pain washed over me. As much as I wanted to hate Luc for hurting me and killing the baby I felt sorrow for the broken man that he was. I don’t know if I am naïve but I believe his story that he doesn’t remember what happened. His reactions to everything were too real to be a farce. I lie in bed and stare at my familiar yellowing ceiling. I let out a long breath. I need to go see that doctor in the hospital again, he seemed smart. Maybe he could shed some light on Luc’s behavior. I close my eyes, my breathing slowed and before I knew it I was fast asleep.
***
The sun shines in my eyes causing me to squint, crap I forgot to close the damned blinds after he left. It’s good to wake up in my own bed. My mind flicks back to last night, to Luc. He’s being so secretive about coming to see me, what is that all about? Why am I feeling sympathy for him anyway? I know the answer because I can see past his cruel behavior and realize he’s a tormented soul like myself. He must want a relationship that matters, that’s healthy. Our relationship may be over but the issues remain the same. I will always be reminded of my peanut and I will remember Luc the monster. I wish I could pack my bags and leave town, start a new life in a fresh place. A place free of tainted memories, I place where I can make a whole set of new memories. I wonder if that is why Ash chose to live in Montreal.
My wondering thoughts are interrupted when Mom swings my bedroom door open scaring me half to death.
“Hello Alexis,” Mom snipped walking in to my room, wearing a fur coat and carrying her Louis Vuitton purse. Seriously people don’t wear fur coats anymore. As she stared at her fingernails she said, “I’m glad you left the hospital, you could have called and told me so I wouldn’t have gone there and looked like a fool not knowing where you were.”
“Sorry, I was going to call and tell you today, besides I thought you would be happy I left,” I said as I slowly climbed out of bed, breathing slowly as the pain of movement washed over me.
Mom offered her hand, “Thanks, I’m okay,” I responded coldly not wanting her help. I still didn’t like having any contact with her.
“Don’t take that tone with me,” she snapped and I turned my head to roll my eyes not responding to her snide remark. “What are your plans Alexis?”
“I will go back to school, after reading week, and I have set up appointments to get therapy,” I explained walking over to my closet at a turtle's pace to get dressed. I’m feeling a little stronger this morning and I keep telling myself to be strong and move forward. I don’t have another option.
“Therapy? What do you need therapy for?” she asked with her mouth dropped open. I look at her with wide eyes. Really? Her denial doesn’t get any worse. She’s never able to admit her own faults and she can’t admit that I am broken either. I decide that no response is better because the only thing I have to say are cruel words and it will get me nowhere.
The phone rings and I hear Anna pick it up in the kitchen.
“Lex, it’s Ash,” Anna hollered.
“Okay give me a sec,” I hollered back limping slowly past my mother out into the main room and towards the kitchen to pick up the phone.
“Hey Ash.”
“Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving the hospital? Is that a good idea?” she asked her tone laced with worry.
“I’m okay Ash I spoke to the doctor, I didn’t like being locked up in there and I have weekly therapy sessions set up,” I explained feeling rushed knowing my mother was listening to the conversation and eyeing me to get off the phone. I took a seat on a stool at the breakfast bar.
Ash blew out a long breathe. “Okay, I’m glad you’re getting help. I didn’t want to leave Toronto so soon, but Anna convinced me that you would kick my ass if I missed more school.”
“She’s right. I’m glad you’re back where you belong, I have a lot of catching up to do also. There’s no point in both of us having to suffer. Besides the stitches have disintegrated and I’m healing. I have to move around and get back to myself and I can’t do it in the hospital,” I explained while twiddling a paper napkin. Mom’s eyes continued to bore into my back and I hoped she would leave already. “My brain feels so muffled with these meds Ash, I need to get off them,” I said hoping that with her knowledge of psychology she could provide some insight.
“Tell your doctor, he can do something about that. The fact that you’re talking and moving around means something,” she sighed.
“Lex, I’ve been thinking and well, I think you may have the perception that you have to be perfect. For me, for Dylan,” she laughed nervously. “But here’s the thing, no one’s perfect.” She inhaled a deep breath and I could tell by her cautious tone that the next words were difficult for her.
“I wish we had time to talk when you were here,” I replied. “And you are perfect Ash and Dylan is too. I can’t measure up and I tried to keep my dirty secrets away from you and I just got into more trouble,” I admitted shamefully.
“Lex, you don’t have dirty secrets, you liked a guy who was up to no good. You’ve had a tough life and you’ve had to fight for everything you have. Nothing was served to you on a silver platter. I’m not perfect Lex, I may have lead you to believe I was because I wanted you to be happy and not worry about me all the time. You’ve already spent so much of your life protecting me, you didn’t allow yourself to live. But, but…” Ash’s voice trailed off, her breathing quickened.
“What is it Ash? My secrets have been laid out for everyone to see you can tell me whatever it is,” I urged her to speak.
“Come on Alexis, you're being rude staying on the phon
e so long when I’ve come to visit you,” Mom cut in from the family room. I can tell Ash heard her complaint. I wish my mother would leave instead of interrupting my call. I hope that Ash won’t back down on me now.
“You need to go, but you should know, I’m not perfect Lex. I’ve made my share of mistakes and I try hard to bury them and keep you away so you won’t beat yourself up about my mistakes too.”
“Shit Ash, I’m sorry. I never meant to be judgmental of you in any way,” I mumbled feeling horrible that she felt the need to conceal her own life.
“It’s not that I was worried about judgment. I didn’t want you to feel like you failed me growing up because I know how your mind works. You were the best big sister anyone could have asked for and I can never repay the sacrifices you made,” she said and I could hear soft sobs through the phone. I wish I could put my hands out and embrace her in a hug.
“Aren’t we a pair?” I said with a half grin. “Do you want to talk about those mistakes?” I pried since she’s peaked my curiosity.
“Right now I want you to focus on getting better honey, we have plenty of time to catch up on my mistakes, besides, it sounds like you have your hands full with Mom,” she chuckled clearly not jealous of my predicament.
“Just give me something Ash,” I pleaded with her. She couldn’t throw something that heavy on me and then leave me hanging.
“Okay, there’s no Cole Samuels,” she blurted out.
“What?” I replied with confusion trying to process her words.
“Over Christmas I told you I was going to meet my boyfriend Cole’s parents, that wasn’t true. I’m a virgin and I don’t have a boyfriend. I spent Christmas working for the Canadian Mental Health Association. You know I’ve been working for them for the past two years,” she explained with guilt in her tone.
Twisted Love Page 7
