“You spent Christmas working?” I asked feeling horrified. Now I felt even worse for going with Luc and leaving her behind.
“Don’t feel guilty Lex, I wanted you to go on that trip with Luc, I was happy for you to get away… besides there’s kind of a guy.”
“Oh,” I said my voice rising an octave clearly intrigued by who the mystery man in Ash’s life really was. “So who’s the guy?”
“Not now Lex, go to Mom, nothing's really going on anyway.”
“Okay you’re being vague and I’m groggy with this medicine. We will talk soon Ash, so be ready,” I warned jokingly.
She laughed into the phone.
“Bye, hon.”
“Bye, Lex.”
“Well congratulations Alexis,” Mom said throwing her hands up and walking toward me. Anna had walked back into the kitchen and she gave me a knowing look.
There’s a knock at the door. Anna looked over to me and we both shrugged our shoulders not expecting anyone. She opened the door and Dylan was standing there looking hotter than hell. Can this day get any better? I haven’t even brushed my teeth yet.
“Hi, I was, um,” I heard him muttering.
“Come in Dylan,” Anna said waving her hand for him to come inside out of the cold. His eyes roamed the apartment and he looked uncomfortable. When his eyes landed on me his gaze sent a warmth through my body making me want to melt. Would he ever stop having this effect on me?
“Lex,” he said with his usual smooth deep voice.
He made his way over to the counter where I was seated. “Can I sit?” he asked pointing to the bar stool next to mine.
I nodded. “Why did you sign yourself out so quickly, I thought you would give it a couple more days?” he whispered. I noticed that he didn’t say hello to Mom, he only nodded his head while walking past her.
“Okay Alexis, I’m leaving, you’re clearly too busy for me,” Mom said in another one of her famous huffs.
“Sorry Mom,” I replied with a whimpered tone. Would her rash behavior always have a negative effect on me? Probably. Before I have a chance to tell her to stay she has already opened the door and slammed it behind her.
Dylan rolled his eyes knowingly then placed a hand on my shoulder. It’s a tiny consoling gesture and it reminded me how much he really got my life. Anna was still in the kitchen making herself a coffee.
“Would you like a coffee Dylan?” she asked with a smile. I could tell she liked Dylan and thought he was a good choice for me.
“No I’m good, thanks,” he smiled back.
“Okay, I’ll be in my room getting ready for class Lex,” she said taking her coffee and walking off to her room to give Dylan and me some privacy.
“It was hard for you to be there?” Dylan asked and I know he’s referring to the psych ward.
“Yeah, I’ll still go back for therapy though,” I replied feeling my cheeks flush, speaking about needing therapy is embarrassing. Even though the reality is that he knows more than anyone else how much I need it. I have to start getting my shit together. “Come sit on the couch,” I motion with my head for him to follow me.
“Good, I’m glad,” he smiled softly replying to my initial statement that I will continue with therapy. Of course he thinks that’s a good thing, he’s a doctor. As we sit on the couch I notice he still has his jacket on.
“Take off your jacket,” I gestured to him. “It’s warm in here.”
He shrugs out of the jacket and I can tell that he’s happy that I’ve asked him to stay in different words.
“Don’t be hard on yourself Lex,” he smirked and I knew what he meant. He didn’t want me blaming myself.
“I’m trying,” I shrugged looking down at the area rug in front of me. It was hard to look him in the eyes and not get distracted by their beauty.
“If it makes you feel any better, I tried hard to get you out of my system for the past seven years, but nothing ever worked,” he said while twiddling his thumbs, he’s clearly nervous too. “I know I fucked up, I should have come after you a million times over. I thought you were better without me. I let you down all those years. I promised you I would be in your life and I didn’t keep that promise.” He shakes his head back and forth. He looks pained, he looks like he’s keeping something from me.
I place my hand on his thigh and I notice his warm reaction to the contact. “Dylan…why?...Why didn’t you keep that promise?” I asked. The pain in his eyes grew deeper and it looked like a torrent of emotions washed over him, like he had so much to say then nothing at all.
“Lex, for now we need to focus on getting you stronger, on making you feel good again and getting you back to school. I’m not going anywhere. I know my words don’t mean much but I will never leave your side again. That is unless you ask me to, but first we have time to make up for,” he said placing a hand on top of mine. He was being reassuring but a part of me wondered if he’d been hiding something. If there was more to him staying away than I realized.
“Okay, for now okay…but you know we need to talk,” I replied accepting his answer since he was clearly tormented in that moment.
“Thank you,” he breathed out bringing my hand to his lips. As he gave me a kiss a look of longing crossed his features. He looked like he was kissing someone that he loved dearly and none of it made sense to me. The day we made love in his car and conceived our child I allowed my emotions to rule me, my love for him. Now I had to think before I acted.
Needing a change of subject and still feeling overwhelmed with guilt over the charges Luc had brought on Dylan I asked, “Can we please talk about what’s happening with you? I feel terrible about all this. I wish there was something I could do. I should talk to Luc and ask him to drop the charges.”
“No way,” he shifted forward alarmed. “You should not go near him. I have this covered, I told you I don’t want you to worry.”
“Dylan I need you to stop doing this, I can’t have you treating me like I will break any second. It makes me feel…” I don’t know what to say, I feel so frustrated. How can I feel like his equal when he won’t treat me like one?
“I’m sorry you’re right, you’ve been through so much lately I don’t want to burden you more.”
“But that’s the thing. I want you to burden me, I need to know what you are facing because I feel responsible,” my voice is raised one too many octaves and I suddenly realized my harsh reaction when Dylan was only trying to protect me. “Sorry Dylan, all I’m saying is that I’m tough, and I want to help you, I don’t want you to face this alone.”
He takes his thumb and brushes it along my chin. No, no, no. He can’t touch me it’s too darn distracting.
“Thank you Lex, it means so much to hear you say that,” he exhales deeply like he wants to say more but he’s holding back. A part of me wishes he wouldn’t hold back, but the reality is that he knows me all too well. He knows I need to feel better about everything that’s happened before I can think of any type of relationship with him. At least I hope that’s why he’s hesitating and it isn’t because of some other reason. “I hired a private investigator, my friend Brad from Harvard comes from a very wealthy family, who are legitimate,” he accentuated. “Anyway they use this specific investigator. He’s agreed to keep an eye on Luc for me, for now. In the meantime, I hope Luc comes to his senses quickly and drops the charges because I need to continue with my residency,” he pauses and picks both of my legs off the floor. Oh my! I suddenly felt very warm from the contact in all the right or wrong places.
“What are you doing?” I asked as he placed my legs on his lap.
“Baby steps,” he replied then he began to massage my feet. It felt so good that I let out a slight moan. “Lex, I said baby steps. That means no moaning,” he said with a devilish grin. I smacked him in the chest and rolled my eyes at him.
“I know you’ve been through a lot, I get it, but I want us to be together, I don’t want to hide my feelings.” Suddenly he snorts and laughs at the s
ame time. What? “I spent almost my entire high school years hiding my feelings, I’m a grown man and I refuse to hide them now. But I do understand where you’re coming from and I know you have things to figure out. So this is what we are going to do. We are going to take baby steps. Even you can handle baby steps Lex.” The side of his lip tugs up in the corner and he stares at me with a wicked grin. Oh my! At this rate he will wear me down too quickly.
I inhale and exhale trying to keep my wits about me. “It’s not only my own demons I need to work through Dylan, there are issues we need to confront as a…” I pause not wanting to say the word I’m thinking, which is couple, we are far from a couple.
“You can say it, we are a couple, we’ve just drifted apart, but here’s the thing, we are going to work our way back to each other,” he explained confidently. I wanted to share in his confidence. I really did.
“Okay,” I agreed surprising myself and I think surprising Dylan.
“On that good note I should leave,” he began to lower my legs.
“Oh no, don’t stop that was so good,” I pleaded with a low raspy voice.
“Oh no you don’t, I said, baby steps and baby steps it will be… don’t start with the sexy voice because I can’t promise you that I will continue to be a gentleman,” he warned and with that he got up and walked over to the kitchen stool, collecting his grey wool coat. He threw it back on and zipped up. Then he walked back to the couch and kissed my forehead, lingering for longer than a moment. I couldn’t help but enjoy the affection and a part of me wished it would never end. I wanted to throw myself into his arms so badly, but I was scared of repeating past mistakes. I still felt so unworthy of him and I was scared that if I didn’t work on my issues we would find ourselves back at the drawing board faster than we wanted. It also appeared that Dylan was dealing with his own set of problems. I was curious what was plaguing him, it almost seemed like it was the reason for him staying away but I could just be playing a guessing game and be totally off track.
“Bye babe. Lock up,” he muttered as he walked out the door and then he was gone and my stomach was somersaulting in the best way possible.
Chapter 13
I Want To be Okay
Lexi
After brushing my teeth and getting dressed I realized that I had an appointment booked with Dr. Newman for one o’clock. I called a cab and slowly made my way to the first floor of the building. Living in a duplex meant we didn’t have an elevator and I was grateful that we were only on the second floor. As I trudged down the stairs still in pain I remembered the doctor’s words that the pain would last about a month. The physical pain was the easier one to handle, what bothered me more was the constant heaviness in my chest.
***
I was driven by fear as I entered Dr. Newman’s office. The fear of getting lost in my thoughts, of pushing the right people away and letting the wrong ones in. A pattern that I’ve come to perfect over the years.
“Alexis, I’m glad we meet again,” he smiled that same friendly smile and motioned for me to take a seat in the chair opposite him. “How are you?”
“I’m not sure,” I replied not knowing where I needed to take this conversation. There are so many things I wanted to understand.
“That’s fair,” he nodded. “Do you feel like you made the right choice to leave the hospital?”
“Yes, but Luc broke into my home.” I suddenly snort laugh knowing full well that this isn’t funny but he broke into the hospital, of course he could break into my home. Dr. Newman doesn’t respond to my odd response, he sits quietly waiting I think for me to say something.
I finally break the awkward silence. “He said he was high on cocaine and alcohol, that he doesn’t even remember attacking me, and here’s the thing, I feel like a crazy person right now because I actually believe him,” I paused waiting or maybe dying inside as I waited to hear the doctor’s reaction to my words.
“Alexis do you trust me?”
His question is unrelated and throws me off. “Yes,” I replied hesitantly.
“Why?”
“Because you’re a doctor at a hospital that has a good reputation, they wouldn’t have hired you if they felt you didn’t meet certain standards for care,” I replied confident about my answer.
“Fair enough…it is my professional opinion that you are of above average intelligence and that you do not suffer from any psychotic behavior deeming you to be delusional or detached from reality for any reason,” he paused again. I let his words sink in.
“So you are saying I’m not crazy?”
“Yes, that is what I am saying,” he said with a small grin then his face turned serious. “It sounds like Luc may have suffered from a drug induced psychosis which can cause delusional paranoia. It may be why he doesn’t remember what happened. Was he under stress before the attack?”
My eyes opened wide. “Yes, he was arrested on a slew of serious charges. He told me last night that he thinks his father set him up on purpose. His father abused him as a child and a grown up, physically and emotionally,” I explained.
“So there was stress,” the doctor reiterates. “How does that make you feel about Luc knowing that his loss of control was caused by something possibly out of his control?”
“I don’t know…” I shrugged as I thought intensely about his question. Luc was not in control? The doctor is saying he had some mental breakdown that did something to his mind…that made him go crazy… Thinking back he seemed delusional and paranoid. The description fits.
“What you are saying about delusional paranoia makes sense. I married Luc and he took care of me, I identified with him because he was abused like me, he also accepted me for all my faults and something about his sincerity was endearing,” I explained to the doctor, trying to make sense out of everything I had felt about Luc since the attack and even before. The past couple of weeks I had been coming down hard on myself for not seeing the truth about Luc. Especially after Ash had heard a conversation of his in French where he was talking about back rooms. Why had I brushed off the warnings of my loved ones so easily?
“Why do I hear a ‘but’ in your tone?” the doctor asked.
“Because there is another man in my life, someone I’ve loved all my life. We got separated and we weren’t together for the past seven years but now he’s come home and he wants me and there should be nothing stopping me from falling into his arms, but I can’t bring myself to do it,” I replied with a helpless tone. It doesn’t really relate to Luc or what he is asking but….
“Why do you think that is?” Ah! The million dollar question. I wish I knew. I remain quiet. “Do you have feelings for both men?” Dr. Newman asked with a hint of challenge in his tone. My eyes rounded at his comment. It can’t be.
“I don’t know.”
“Maybe that’s what is holding you back from the old love, that you don’t know what you want today, or what is good for you today. May I ask how you separated from the old love?”
I closed my eyes remembering the painful day we broke up. I had walked in on Dylan with Elena Peters spread eagle on him. Every fear I had ever felt, every ounce of unworthiness came pouring out of me. “I thought he cheated on me, even though deep down I knew he would never do that. I used the fact that I caught another girl coming on to him to push him away. I always felt like I wasn’t good enough for him and I know it wasn’t anything he did because he always treated me well, we were so very close. It was me, I was broken from a bad home, an alcoholic mother who physically and verbally abused me. I never could come to terms with the fact that a perfect guy like Dylan would want me. So I pushed him away and he never came running after me. I think that part burned the most. That he never tried to come after me,” I explain feeling as if my heart was being crushed all over again. It is so hard to relive or speak the painful memory.
“Do you feel worthy of Luc?” Dr. Newman asked, although it seemed like he already knew the answer.
“Yes,” I answered automat
ically.
“Aha,” the doctor responded leaving me confused. He’s a little funny, this doctor.
“Alexis you will need to come to terms with the fact that the abuse you experienced at the hand of your mother was not your fault, she was the adult who behaved badly and put you down. You also have to train yourself that her cruel words were never true. Whatever name she called you, in whatever way she put you down, it was probably how she felt about herself not what she really thought of you. People with an addiction to alcohol have a tendency to act out negatively and mirror their own problems in someone else. Unfortunately you were a young child that bared the brunt of her cruel behavior,” he explained and it all made sense. I knew I took her cruel words to heart.
“How do you pick up on these things so quickly?” I asked the doctor surprised from his quick but accurate analysis of my life.
“It’s what I’m trained to do and I happen to be good at it,” he smiled with a cocky tone. “There’s something I want you to consider before our next meeting. Are you in love with Luc because of Luc or do you seek comfort in his acceptance?”
I breathed in deeply again. This doctor hits below the belt. “I wish I knew.”
“Think about it, don’t answer now,” he said looking down to the notepad on his lap as he wrote some notes. “Okay see you next time,” I replied, then collected my thick winter jacket and exited his office.
As I left the hospital and climbed into the back of a cab, I realized how much fear I was living with. I would need to look over my shoulder, scared to walk down the streets of Toronto alone. Luc’s family was dangerous, his father knew who I was. I also pondered if I should fear Luc even though my recent encounters with him had proven to be safe. Dr. Newman seemed to have corroborated Luc’s story with the alcohol induced psychosis theory and so for now, I take deep calming breathes and urge myself to believe that any threat there may have been in the past is over now.
Twisted Love Page 8
