Let Me Be Your Truth (Music and Letters Series Book 3)

by Lynsey M. Stewart

  I was enough. More than enough. Was that really what he thought of me?

  ‘I’ve never felt like I was enough for anyone. I always felt people wanted more,’ I replied.

  ‘Me too,’ he said as he pulled my arms closer to him. He was naked and I couldn’t help but run my fingers across his tattoos. His eyes watched me, completely transfixed. I ran my fingertip over the little dark-haired boy on his arm climbing the steps to a shattered clock. It was so intricate and delicate. ‘Tell me about this one,’ I said.

  ‘That’s me,’ he replied, still watching my hands. ‘That’s my mum, Serena,’ he said as he ran his finger over the darkened letters of her name. ‘The clock represents the time I had with her, or, more specifically, the lack of time. It ran out,’ he shrugged.

  ‘How old were you when she died?’

  ‘Six,’ he sighed, the pain evident in his eyes.

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘Yeah well, shit happens,’ he said as he pushed my arms away and everything we’d shared together fell away, leaving nothing but the skeleton of the relationship I was trying desperately to build.

  ‘I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have asked,’ I murmured.

  ‘No, I’m sorry,’ he said as he leant against the sink. ‘It’s just hard, you know? What can you say? She overdosed. The fucking prick she was with supplied her with some potent shit she wasn’t used to. End of story.’

  ‘Her partner was a drug dealer?’ I asked. He frowned, essentially bypassing all need to explain further. I ignored that. ‘What happened to you? I mean, after she died?’ I asked.

  His shoulders tensed and he ran his hand through his hair. ‘I went to live with my aunt. She was an occasional user, but alcohol was more her thing.’

  ‘Oh my God,’ I gasped.

  ‘She wasn’t always drunk,’ he replied, defending her. ‘She was all right in her own way. I got on really well with my cousin, Melissa. We’re still close.’

  ‘What about your dad?’ I asked.

  ‘They divorced and I haven’t seen him since.’ He offered his hand and pulled me through to the bedroom. With his back to me, I was able to look more closely at the tattoo of the crucifixion that stretched along his shoulders and back.

  ‘What about this?’ I asked, running my hand across it. ‘Why the crucifixion? Are you religious?’

  ‘No, not really. I’m interested in the imagery. The Virgin Mary is the most significant part of the tattoo. She’s crying as she stares up at her son dying on the cross. You can see the pain on her face. It makes me think of Mum. I’ve always kind of wondered what she would have thought of me, you know, going down the same path as her. I’m sure she would have been fucking heartbroken,’ he said quietly as he pulled me onto his lap.

  ‘She would be proud that you managed to do what she didn’t,’ I replied as I ran my hands down his arms. ‘You beat the addiction.’ He stared into my eyes and I swear I could see the self-doubt rise to the surface.

  ‘I want to design a tattoo for you,’ he said, stroking my hair from my face.

  ‘My mum would freak,’ I laughed.

  ‘Forget what everyone else would think. Would you like one?’

  ‘Yes, but I have the predisposition to please everyone else. My parents wouldn’t like it,’ I answered honestly. ‘But I know exactly what I would have.’

  ‘Tell me.’

  ‘A dream catcher.’ I traced my forearm with my finger. ‘Here.’

  ‘Why a dream catcher?’

  ‘I used to have nightmares when I was a child, so one day, Mum gave me one as a present. She hung it in my bedroom window and told me that it caught bad dreams and let good ones pass through. I’ve always loved the sentiment of it.’

  ‘I think it would look amazing on you,’ he said.

  ‘Not as good as yours look on you. I love these; they’re so beautiful,’ I said as I trailed my fingers across the beautifully dark silhouettes of trees across his shoulder, a bright full moon looming from behind them.

  ‘No real story there. I designed them. I liked them. The moon kind of represents my anger. I’m always in a bad mood when there’s a full moon.’

  ‘Thanks for the warning,’ I smiled. My eyes fell to his stomach, the tattoo peeking out just above the goods. No mercy. ‘Dare I even ask about that?’ I said, pointing to his groin.

  ‘Drunken mistake,’ he laughed. ‘I was young. Stupid. Thought the world revolved around my cock.’

  ‘It doesn’t?’

  He stood up, taking me with him as my legs stayed wrapped around his waist. ‘No. Despite everything you think, it doesn’t.’ He kissed me on the tip of my nose. ‘Gotta go, princess.’

  ‘Don’t call me princess.’ He smiled at my familiar teasing. ‘You could always stay the night.’

  He shook his head. ‘No kidney shivers. Remember?’

  I remembered, but it wouldn’t stop me from trying.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  ‘We need to rename the weekly girls night out to weekly therapy sessions,’ Elle laughed. ‘If it isn’t Gem, it’s you.’ Gem and Abi huddled forward around the table in a bar we’d just fallen into. It was a converted church that still had most of its old features, so I feared I would be struck down with a thunderbolt in the next minute when I started to tell them about my relationship with Danny.

  ‘You keep secrets. We don’t have secrets, lady.’ Abi was trying to hold in a grin. ‘Were you seeing him when you were still with Steve?’

  ‘No! Of course not. Do you know me at all?’ I replied.

  ‘So you ended it with Steve before you met Danny?’ Gem asked.

  ‘I’d met Danny, but nothing was going on.’

  ‘So how long have you known him?’ Gem frowned as they all tried to piece it together.

  ‘What she really wants to know is what was the turnover period between Steve and Danny with the tattoos that you just want to lick?’ Abi smiled as she caught the straw of her cocktail between her lips. She observed me carefully and started laughing as I blushed. ‘It’s always the quiet, unassuming ones, isn’t it? Come on. How long?’

  ‘A week…’

  ‘Kate Roper, you take my breath away,’ Abi laughed. ‘This is fucking brilliant!’

  ‘He’s gorgeous and talented, but that’s mixed with a whole heap of moody, and he doesn’t want a relationship, so we’re just…’ I stopped as I engaged my brain.

  ‘Just?’ Gem teased.

  ‘Just fucking,’ Abi shrugged. ‘Your vag is being shown a good time. Experimenting. Finally your vibrator will be christened, or at least taken out of the packaging…’

  ‘It’s already been christened…me first, then him,’ I replied.

  ‘She’s sexually liberated, ladies and gentlemen. About fucking time. When can I meet him? I need to personally thank him for all that he’s doing for our girl,’ Abi smiled.

  ‘I think that would freak him out. It’s just sex.’

  ‘That’s all it is? Just sex?’ Elle asked.

  ‘Yeah, he doesn’t want a relationship, and I don’t want anything heavy.’

  ‘And you’re happy with that? I mean, really? He isn’t making you do anything you don’t want to, is he? You like to please.’ Elle was in full concerned friend mode. It happened frequently.

  ‘He wouldn’t make me do anything I wasn’t happy with. It’s the opposite. He wants to please me. He wants to open up my potential,’ I replied. ‘And he is. I’ve never experienced anything like this. The sex is just…there are no words. Off the scale. Amazing. He’s totally gorgeous and his body…’ I closed my eyes and imagined him. ‘Chiselled and beautiful and, God, he has this tiny mole on his cock and every time I see it I just want to lick it.’

  ‘You lick his cock?’ Abi deadpanned. ‘The woman that hates blow jobs and gets confused with pre-come?’

  ‘He’s showing me how good it can be.’

  ‘This doesn’t sound like just sex to me,’ Gem said.

  ‘Well, it is. Just sex. I’m final
ly beginning to understand what all the fuss is about.’

  ‘Kate, my gorgeous friend, welcome to the club.’ Abi smiled as she raised her glass and clinked it against mine. She was loving this, and Gem and Elle were slowly coming on board. I thought about the parallels in my life. Abi, Gem and Elle had reacted just as I thought they would: concerned, obviously, but also totally accepting of my newfound desire to experiment sexually.

  I really wasn’t sure this was going to sit as well with the women from the book club. They would think I was a brazen hussy if I showed up for a meeting with my legs clasped around a tattooed biker. They called an early meeting when the head teacher’s daughter was found taking a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey out of the local library. But, oh my God, when he’s kissing that sensitive area just above my pubic bone, I could walk into Wednesday night book club and be showered with judgmental looks and tuts and happily thrust his head back towards my groin in a second.

  ‘I’m just going to walk with Gem to find her a taxi,’ Elle said as she kissed the top of my head.

  ‘Jay’s mum is babysitting and she’s already made it clear that she’s pissed I stayed out later than I said I would. See you soon and ring me if things get too heavy,’ Gem replied before waving and walking out of the bar arm and arm with Elle.

  ‘Jamie should be here soon,’ Abi said. ‘He didn’t want me walking back to the flat on my own.’

  ‘You’ve got a keeper,’ I smiled.

  ‘I think so.’

  ‘Sex with Jamie is good, right?’ I asked. Abi arched her eyebrow. ‘That’s a stupid question,’ I laughed as I finished my drink.

  ‘He’s a master of the cock. A cockateer. What can I say?’ she smiled.

  ‘Was it always like that? From the very first time?’

  ‘From the minute he touched me I knew we had a connection. Sex was great from the start but now that I’m in love with him, it takes it to a higher place,’ she said, her hand jabbing the air. ‘Orgasm central.’

  ‘Did you know you were falling in love?’ I asked.

  ‘I fell in love with him when he dropped his coffee down my boobs and couldn’t take his eyes off them.’

  ‘Wasn’t that lust, not love?’ I was keen to know her answer but not so keen to process why it was so important.

  ‘Hindsight is a wonderful thing,’ she shrugged. ‘Why the questions? Isn’t this thing with Danny just sex?’ She tipped her head and pushed her tongue into the side of her mouth. I sighed deeply. ‘I know you better than I know myself. I can see through the just sex bullshit. You’re going to get so fucking hurt.’

  ‘Sometimes I think there’s more between us. You know, I love it when he’s pushing into me from behind. He’s rampant and everything’s hard and fast. We’re all sweaty and tired. He’s probably made me come with his tongue and fingers already at that point. It’s dirty and primal but at the same time, he’s rubbing my back softly. We’re doing all these incredibly dirty things but he’s being so sweet and gentle. I love that. But it totally confuses me.’

  ‘Wow. That has to be the sexiest but most unlike you thing I’ve ever heard come out of your mouth! You’ve got it bad,’ Abi laughed.

  ‘No! It’s just sex…’

  ‘You keep saying that.’ Abi shook her head. ‘Is that what you want, or is that what he’s telling you you want?’

  ‘It’s what he’s telling me he wants.’ Hurt flashed inside me like a lightning strike. ‘But I see more.’

  ‘You need to talk this through with him before it goes too far. I’m all for experimenting. God knows I’ve done enough in my time, but when feelings get involved, it turns it upside down. Don’t just keep going with this to please him.’

  ‘I promise you, I’m not,’ I replied.

  ‘Your previous relationships haven’t really mattered to you, but I can tell this one does.’

  ‘It’s not a relationship,’ I said, tracing my finger around the glass to avoid Abi’s determined stare.

  ‘It’s not been labelled as a relationship, but the way you’re talking about it…’ She averted her eyes to the entrance of the bar. ‘It is.’

  Jamie and Elle approached the table. Abi immediately stood up, stopping briefly to squeeze my shoulder. She kissed him and whispered, ‘Take me home.’ His eyes widened and his sweet smile turned serious. They kissed each other hard until his lips drifted to her neck just below her ear. Her hands found their way around his waist until she slipped one into his back pocket. You couldn’t fail to see the chemistry between them. Hell, I was surprised they weren’t stamping out fire around their feet. They had that something. It was bigger than sex. They had love. They had devotion. They had the primal need for each other, but they also had the desire to protect and care for one another no matter what.

  Would I ever have that something more with Danny?

  Ben and Elle dropped me back to my flat. Not before I had to suffer through another round of spot the deliriously happy couple.

  When I finally reached my flat, I pulled my keys out of the small bag I’d crammed my life into and found Danny sitting on the mat, his back leaning against the door, fast asleep. In his lap, he was holding a cardboard box full of courgettes and tomatoes, a note sticking out the top with call me written across it.

  I crouched down and gently twirled his hair between my fingers until he stirred. I was rewarded with a broad smile. ‘What time is it?’ he asked.

  ‘It’s two in the morning. What are you doing here?’

  ‘Waiting for you.’ He offered the box and laughed gently through his smile. ‘Fancy knocking up a vegetable soup?’

  ‘He still leaves me things occasionally. I don’t encourage it.’

  ‘I know,’ he replied.

  I helped him to stand and we laughed as he cracked out the knots in his back. Somehow we found ourselves where we knew each other best—gasping for air against the wall, panting mindlessly in the shower and moaning frenziedly on my bed.

  ‘Have you been thinking about me, princess?’ he asked as he ran his fingers through my hair. I wanted to say: Yes! Every minute. Every second. You occupy my mind and take over my thoughts and nothing else matters when you’re sliding inside of me. I didn’t. I just smiled and clung onto him. When I did that, everything else seemed to fall away; time stood still and all that was left was us. But this was just sex. I had to tell myself that. Make it my mantra. Sex and nothing more. The feelings that swarm and swirl and make everything feel good again were down to lust and lust alone.

  Were they?

  Yes.

  If I kept telling myself that, everything would be OK.

  If I kept telling myself that, I would start to believe it.

  I can cope if I tell myself it’s just sex.

  That way, I could ignore his eyes dilating when he took in my face and I could brush off the way he looked at me like I was his whole world.

  The morning light had started to come through the blinds and I was still straddling him after his orgasm had made him crash. I could feel the pulse points in his stomach against my thighs and underneath my fingers that were resting steadily on his neck.

  I didn’t want to have these feelings. The feelings that I knew were more profound than just sex. I was standing at the top of the road to heartbreak and destruction because Danny didn’t have the same feelings. I was only scratching his itch, pandering to his addiction, worshipping at the cock.

  Kill me now.

  ‘I’d better go,’ he said as he pulled out of me and started to gather his clothes. I watched his body bend and stretch and tried to calm the ache between my legs that was already beginning again.

  ‘You could stay,’ I replied, taking in his smile as I rolled over and leant back on my elbow.

  He drew his eyebrows together and cocked his head. ‘No kidney shivers, remember?’

  ‘Trying to,’ I sighed as he rolled back on the bed and kissed my cheek. Soon he was moving over my skin, trailing down to my stomach, back up to my neck until he stopp
ed, hovering above me. He failed to shake off the lingering look of what could only be described as pure adoration.

  ‘This wasn’t in the contract, princess,’ he said as his thumb skimmed my lips.

  ‘We had a contract?’ I teased.

  He smiled, his eyes watering over as he replied, ‘Fucking should have.’

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Danny: I’m taking you out. Wear a skirt, princess.

  Three weeks had passed by in another whirlwind of sex and second-guessing Danny’s feelings. He was certainly more relaxed in my home, helping himself to coffee, washing the pots with a biscuit hanging out of his mouth, but he still hadn’t stayed the night despite bringing essentials and a change of clothes whenever he came over. It was almost like he was having an internal struggle and the side that was telling him not to get too involved always won.

  His toothbrush was sitting on a shelf in the bathroom. But this is just sex. He sang without abandon in my shower. Just sex. There was a book on art on my bedside table that he knew I’d just love. Only sex.

  He had met my mum, entirely by accident when she called over unannounced, but that was beside the point. Meeting the parents is a big step in a relationship. It still counts, doesn’t it? Mum now refers to it as that time when Danny and his biceps strolled into the living room.

  I could hear the roar of the engine of his bike, and sure enough, he smiled as I looked out of the window. He had told me that it was time for another lesson, and the adrenaline I usually felt when I heard those words was today accompanied by nerves, even more so when he told me we would be going out for the night. Knickers on the easel sprang to mind, an experience that had both terrified and liberated me.

  I took one last look in the mirror and headed downstairs where Danny was waiting with a deep smirk. He held out a helmet.

  ‘Oh no. Helmet hair. Really?’ I said as he gazed at me. He was planning something, but I didn’t want to acknowledge that yet.

  ‘Put it on, princess,’ he smiled. ‘We’re not going far but safety first.’

  ‘I’ve never been on a motorbike before.’