Marlin's Faith: The Virtues Book II

by A. J. Downey

  “Concentrate on the clothes, Bubbles. Let’s find you some stuff to wear that you’ll be comfortable in. It’s hot around here, some shorts? A couple of swimsuits maybe?” Hope kept talking and I followed her dutifully around the little clothing boutique, looking at clothes without really seeing them.

  My blood rushed in my ears, my heart thundered in my chest and it felt like the world was losing focus. I was falling but I was standing still. I felt crazed and like a total lunatic and when gentle hands fell on my shoulders I jumped clean out of my skin, shrieking, clapping my hands over my mouth to stifle the terrified sound. I quickly glanced around the shop and with a sinking feeling realized that if they hadn’t really been staring before, I was definitely the center of attention now.

  All conversation had ceased and every single set of eyes in the shop was turned on me. Pinning me in place. My eyes grew hot and wet and Hope’s boyfriend’s voice wrapped around me from behind.

  “Aw shit; sorry, Firefly. I didn’t mean to sneak up on you. Thought you knew I was here.” I shook my head back and forth and he gave my shoulders a gentle squeeze, thumbs digging just a bit to ease the tension between them.

  “Sorry, I was…” I sniffed, “I guess I got lost in thought a little. I wasn’t paying attention.”

  “It’s okay, Bubbles. You’re good, but maybe we should stop for now.” Hope lowered the clothing items she’d been prattling about and I shook my head furiously, tense beneath her boyfriend’s hands. I knew he meant well, but honestly, the casual touch was a bit much for me, or maybe it was the hulking male presence behind me or…

  “Hey, Cap. I know you mean well, Man, and I’m sure she does, too, but let her go, Man. She’s not digging it.”

  Relief flooded out from the center of my being at Marlin’s low and controlled voice. The Captain’s hands left my shoulders and Hope sighed. I blinked my eyes open, having not realized I’d squeezed them shut and looked at my sister. She looked equal parts aggravated and heartbroken and I felt my stomach drop into my toes.

  “Not your fault, Darlin’. Don’t none of us think it is.” Cutter, said to me. I nodded, throat tight and we all stood in awkward silence for several moments.

  “I, I like this.” I slid a dress off the rack, a maxi dress that was strapless but fell to the floor. It would cover more of me and with a light cardigan it would work well. My sister smiled and as if she’d read my mind held up a three quarter sleeve loose and flowy white cover-up that would go well with the aqua and white chevron printed dress.

  “That’s nice,” Cutter commented nodding and I raised my eyes to Marlin’s. He gave me a slightly off kilter smile that both warmed me and encouraged me. Still, his eyes spoke volumes. They whispered to me that he knew that I was being brave and that he believed in me. I took the strength he offered and stood a little straighter.

  “Um, a swimsuit. That would be good. I think I’d like to go swimming if that’s okay.” I looked from one to the next, and Marlin and Cutter both smiled.

  “You can do whatever you want, Sweetheart. You don’t need our permission for anything.” I swallowed hard and tears sprang to my eyes and Hope was suddenly there. She hugged me tight and I crumbled a bit and cried, clinging to my sister as the enormity of what transpired caught me off guard.

  While I knew I was free, that my sister had saved me, I still didn’t feel it yet. Marlin and I had spoken on it just this morning actually, before we’d left the house that had quickly become the center of my world and my sanctuary.

  “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” I cried into Hope’s shoulder as we stood in the middle of the sea side clothing shop, in the middle of the little town’s bustling boulevard.

  Warmth and what had become the familiar smell of Marlin enveloped my back as he stepped near. I closed my eyes and breathed deep the combination of leather, cigarettes, and whatever he used for his shampoo, the faint smell of peaches and alcohol rounding things out. I thought it strange. The combination of cigarettes and alcohol should leave me feeling ill after so many had come to me reeking of it, but the alcohol smell on Marlin, I don’t know. It was so faint and under everything else it was mellow. Bespeaking of time spent around bonfires or sipping cold beer while working in the sun.

  Marlin’s smell was what I imagined hard work, patience and decency to be like and his words, when murmured, did nothing to dispel that notion, but rather reinforced it tenfold.

  “Baby Girl, don’t forget that you’re human. It’s okay to have a meltdown. Just don’t unpack and live there. Cry it out and get refocused on where you’re headed. You can do that for me right?”

  I nodded against my sister and sniffed, words weren’t something I was ready to voice, my mind scrambling around in circles, caught in a never ending loop of panic and fear.

  “Shhhh, you’re okay, Baby. We get it. Your sister gets it, right Hope?” he whispered.

  “Right,” she affirmed.

  “The Captain gets it.”

  “I surely do,” Cutter agreed kindly.

  “I get it,” Marlin’s voice pitched low, just for me, and he said, “Fuck everyone else in here, Baby. You’ve been through hell and none of these motherfuckers know what that looks like. You survived. It’s all good. You aren’t embarrassing us. There ain’t nothing humiliating about this. For you, for me, for the Captain or your sister. You just take your time. Anyone has anything they want to say about it then they can come talk to me.”

  He straightened, the comfort of his close presence receding like the water from the shore down the beach outside the bedroom window where I’d been staying. I pushed back from my sister, sniffed and wiped at my eyes. Hope gave me a smile and I gave a tentative one back.

  “She’s going to need jeans at the very least if she’s getting on the back of one of the bikes, which if Marlin’s taking her out to that doc tomorrow, is a pretty likely scenario.” Cutter pointed out. I stared a little wide eyed at my sister who smiled even bigger.

  “Good point. I think you’ll like riding, Bubbles. Let’s go find you some suitable bike wear.”

  We went from the boutique to another little shopping center and finally ended up at the local motorcycle shop. I felt better with my sister walking in front of me and Cutter and Marlin at my sides and just behind me. Insulated and protected. Still, by the end of the shopping excursion I was exhausted, sliding gratefully into the back seat of Nothing’s tired station wagon. Marlin got behind the wheel. Cutter rode up front while Hope sat in back with me.

  “Home, James,” Cutter said and Marlin called him a dirty name. I half expected Cutter to be angry but he just laughed and settled back further into his seat.

  I stared out the window and felt bitterness for a time, looking at all the shiny, happy, and carefree people flitting by the window as we passed. I took the time to wallow in my own self-pity. Staring sightlessly yet seeing it all as it went by. Women smiling, men laughing, children playing in the sand on the beach… none of them having a single clue as to what went on in dark corners. In swanky and shady hotel rooms alike. In ‘private’ parties for the rich and famous. Of the tears and the hopeless nights that reeked of desperation and sex.

  “Hey, you’re okay. Look at me.” I blinked and realized my face was wet. Marlin was crouched outside my car door, hands on his knees, sky blue eyes focused on mine. His dark blond hair crackled around his face like a mane, and the set of his mouth and the taught lines of his shoulders spoke of both power and determination. Looking at him, looming so close, in my personal space, I felt nothing other than utterly safe.

  The tension in my own shoulders eased and he nodded as if something were confirmed for him, “Maybe a bit too much for today, huh Baby Girl?” he asked quietly and I sniffed and nodded.

  “Okay, come on,” he stepped back from me and let me get out on my own. Hope stood a little behind and off to one side, Cutter’s hands on her shoulder’s kneading the muscles there.

  “You okay, Bubbles?” she asked and I could see in her dark eyes tha
t she knew as well as anyone that it wasn’t. She just didn’t know what else to ask… what else to say. Neither did I… so I just went with the old standby.

  “I’m okay,” I lied, “Just tired, I think.” Which was true, now that I thought about it. I felt, completely drained from the small outing. Like I could sleep for a week now, and that was all I wanted to do. I just wanted to go upstairs and sleep. Crawl into bed and lie in an exhausted heap and never come out again.

  “Come on, we’ll get this stuff put away and you can take a nap. Sound good?” Marlin’s voice was patient and kind but all I could see was how much I was hurting my sister. How much Hope felt like shit, and honestly, my mood spiraled ever downward. I suddenly wanted to fall asleep and simply never wake up. I was miserable.

  My sister led me to the house and up the stairs to the big bedroom at the top and down the hall, with its beautiful floor to ceiling windows and view of the ocean. I couldn’t bear any of it. My emotions kaleidoscoped within me. Roiling and crashing into one another only to explode in a giant confused mess. It made me just want to curl up and cry. My heart raced, my throat squeezed tight, and I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I sat on the end of the large bed and Hope stood silently for a moment, looking me over.

  “Bubbles, what’s wrong?” she asked softly and knelt at my feet. Marlin and Cutter, they set bags with our purchases on the creamy carpet just inside the bedroom door and backed out slowly to go get more. My sister had gone a little overboard and I’d let her; I think it was honestly more for her than for me. Hope had always been a total control freak and all of this was so far outside her control. Mine too.

  “Faith…” she said a little helplessly. I shook my head a little violently and scrubbed my face with my hands.

  “I don’t know,” I said helplessly, “It’s like I am feeling everything and nothing at once and yet, at the same time, I’m so horribly numb on the inside. I just feel so tired but I haven’t done anything. I shouldn’t be tired.”

  Hope stood and turned, flopping into a seat beside me and wrapping her long, slim arms around me. I rested my head against her narrow shoulder and burst into tears, letting my hair hide my face from the room. Hope shushed me, making calm soothing noises like she used to do when Char and I were kids and had scraped a knee and somehow, somehow that helped.

  “You should too be tired, everything you’re telling me is perfectly normal for someone dealing with anxiety and PTSD. I’ve got it myself.”

  “I thought only soldiers could get that.” I moaned piteously.

  “That’s a myth, Firefly. Anybody that’s been through some heavy shit can come up with post-traumatic stress disorder. Shit, some people get it from bein’ in a car accident.” Cutter stood to one side of the doorway, arms crossed loosely over his chest and raised his shoulders in a shrug that was strangely one I would describe as being… elegant.

  “Did you hear him, Baby Girl? Anybody who’s been through something sudden or shocking can come up with it. What’s happened to you – ”

  Marlin paused abruptly, a muscle in his jaw ticking in agitation under his golden scruff of a beard coming in around his goatee. He took a deep breath, “What you been through? It surely qualifies to give you a boatload of serious issues. Issues you may not even be aware you’ve got until something happens and you have a rough reaction. You’re good. We’ve got you. You agreeing to go see that doctor lady is one of the biggest hurdles in getting you better.” He stood in front of me, hands loose at his sides as if he were afraid to touch me and I closed my eyes. Of course he was. I was dirty, cheap… a diseased whore. There was barely anything human left.

  “You’re a brave girl, Firefly. And you ain’t doin’ none of this alone. You got your sisters, you got Marlin here, and you got me. By default you got any number of our guys behind you too. One step, one day, at a time. No need to get yourself overwhelmed.” Cutter’s voice interrupted the self-loathing inner monologue and I opened my eyes. I suddenly felt sick. Nauseated by the thought of what a burden I’d become to these people.

  The weight of the world seemingly rested on my shoulders and I just wanted to lie down. I just wanted to be alone but at the same time, I didn’t want them to leave me. I couldn’t have it both ways though.

  “I really,” I paused and tried to make up my mind on what is was I wanted and finally settled on the least selfish, “I really just want to lie down, be alone for a little while.”

  “Okay,” Hope said quietly but I could see my sister was a touch crestfallen. Damn it. I sighed inwardly. She got up and the three of them moved the bags in front of the closet in a neat row before slipping out of the bedroom and shutting the door firmly behind them. I stood up and toed off the flip flops I’d been wearing, going around to the side of the bed that was toward the windows. I lifted the covers and slipped between the sheets fully dressed, turning my back on the serene, too-pretty-to-be-real view of the white sand, of the vivid blue sky the color of Marlin’s eyes where it met the aquamarine water the color of mine.

  I just didn’t want to exist anymore and pretty soon, I didn’t, or the world didn’t. I couldn’t really tell, because I was fast asleep.

  Chapter 9

  Marlin

  “Her first appointment is tomorrow,” Hope said, and the Captain pulled her into his side. Her good arm wound around his waist and they looked like they belonged together. Strong, more solid together than they’d ever been apart. It was good to see. The Captain deserved someone like that. We all liked L’il Bit but she was Reaver’s and that had always been plain to see.

  “I’ll get her there, just like I swore I would. I don’t go back on my word.”

  “No one’s sayin’ you would, or that you ever have, Brother.”

  I nodded. The Captain was right, no one ever said that I would, it was just me that knew that I had… I had gone back on my word, on my vow, when it’d come to my brother Danny. I’d lost my patience with my brother after he’d gone back to that shit time and time again. I’d quit on him when once upon a time I’d swore I never would… and now he was dead.

  My phone went off in the front pocket of my jeans and I dug it out, one glance at the screen and I was swearing softly. I slid the indicator bar and answered it.

  “What’s up?”

  “Just wondering, Man. Were you ever planning on bringing your ass back to work?” I gritted my teeth and fought not to snarl back at my surviving brother.

  “Yeah, I’m kind of in the middle of something with the club, Johnny.”

  He swore softly, or he’d pulled the phone away from his mouth before he’d done it. Either way, didn’t care, but I was gonna in a second.

  “Well I booked you a client, they’re at the Scarlett Ann now, it’s only a four hour gig but the bills need to get fuckin’ paid, Bro.”

  I was gonna fuckin’ kill him. I ground my teeth together and tilted my head from one side to the other until my neck creaked and finally gave with a loud crack. Once, then twice and in the span it took me to do it, I got a lid on my temper.

  “You listen to me you little shit. I say who gets on my boat when. You get me? I live there, you don’t.”

  “Whatever, Jim. I got a fuckin’ family to feed, you don’t. Get your fuckin’ ass down here and let’s get some fuckin change in our pockets. My kid wants to eat this week.”

  The fucking little cock bite hung up on me. Cutter and Hope both locked me with looks of bemusement and wide eyed empathy.

  “I’d throat punch him,” Hope said judiciously. I huffed a small laugh.

  “He’s more’n just my business partner, he’s my brother.”

  “I’d still punch him,” she said with a blasé, one shouldered shrug.

  “Trust me, it doesn’t work.”

  She gave a dramatic sigh, “It really doesn’t.”

  Cutter’s shoulders shook with silent laughter and he finally shook his head, “You were headed that way anyways, go on. She’s out like a traffic light and probably will be for a
minute. Your brother’s half right, it’s been a leaner season than most. Of course it don’t really get started for a while yet. We got this, man. Go do your thing.”

  I clasped hands with my P. and we pulled each other in, slapping one another hardily on the back. I gave Hope a nod and she gave me a serious one back.

  “See you soon,” she uttered and I made for the door.

  It didn’t sit well with me leavin’ like this, but Johnny’d painted me into a corner. I fuckin’ hated that shit and you’d best believe we’d be havin’ words about it. After we’d gotten rid of whoever was on my fuckin’ boat without me. By Christ, Johnny had better be on the Scarlett Ann when I got there, with whoever he’d given the go ahead to board.

  You’d like to think he was the older of the two of us, but I out stripped him by a year and more. Danny’d been younger than me by four, mama’s little miracle baby. Spoiled rotten ‘cause of it too. Danny’d gotten away with fuckin’ murder out of the three of us growing up. My parents had started late with me an’ Johnny as it was. Mama had had Danny in her mid-forties. We’d all been named for the bible. God fearing, my folks. I’d gotten stuck with James, Johnny was after John the Baptist and Danny? Well, Mama’d decided that with how high risk the pregnancy had been, our little brother had made it out of the lion’s den and so he’d gotten Daniel.

  I made strides out the front door of Cutter’s house and threw a leg over my waiting bike. I checked her over thoroughly. When Hope’s bike had gone into the crash truck I’d bitten the bullet and let the prospect fuckin’ ride her. There wasn’t a scratch on her. I must have inspected her at least a dozen times over the last couple of weeks but she was fine. I still kept expecting to find some kind of flaw in her but the kid had taken good care of her for me. I think he was going to work out.

  I pulled my sunglasses down over my eyes and started her up, my lips curving into an appreciative smile. Rides, even short ones, had been few and far between with the situation what it was. I was in some serious need of some wind therapy to blow out some of the cobwebs and ick coating my soul from the epic pile of shit I’d been shoveling. Not that I regretted one minute of it. Championing this particular cause had never felt so right, but that didn’t stop it from taking its toll.