‘I had a really good day at work today,’ I said, ignoring his innuendo, and taking a seat beside him.
Harvey eyed my large glass of wine and then stood up and poured us both a glass of water. ‘At a crematorium?’ he said sceptically. ‘I’ll take your word for it.’
‘A steel band came to play at the service for one of their own musicians. They played “Amazing Grace” on the drums as the congregation filed in. The sound was incredible. Everyone stopped to listen. Even Paula came out of her office to watch.’ My eyes pricked with tears at the memory and I shook my head. ‘It was such a celebration, so joyous. Then afterwards, Lisa came in. She’s the one whose job I’ve been covering. She’s better now and—’
‘Good.’ Harvey shovelled in a forkful of goulash. ‘That means you’ll be finished at that death camp.’
I cleared my throat. ‘Actually—’
‘I’ve had a good day too,’ he went on, swigging his water and then sipping his wine. ‘I was manning the gym’s shop when this woman walked in, all fake tan and fingernails. She ordered five hundred quid’s worth of food supplements and vitamins. Five hundred! And then she bought a load of sports gear, said she needed a whole new wardrobe before she could come to the gym. Daft mare.’
‘Gosh,’ I widened my eyes. ‘Imagine having that much spare cash.’
‘Thanks to the commission on that lot, I will have a bit more cash,’ said Harvey, smiling broadly. ‘So I was thinking, I might volunteer to work in the shop more often and then I can start putting a bit away, start saving for our future.’
Bloody hell, he wasn’t going to propose, was he? Not that marrying Harvey was such an awful proposition, obviously, I corrected myself, feeling my face heat up. He was hard-working, good-looking and so in love with me that he liked to keep me all for himself. How many women would love a bit more attention from their men?
‘Save?’ I said weakly, aware he was waiting for some sort of response.
He nodded. ‘For a holiday later in the year. I thought maybe Scotland?’
‘That’s a lovely idea! And so romantic,’ I said, a little over-eager with relief that wedding bells weren’t on the cards after all. ‘I’ve always wanted to see the mountains and the lochs.’
‘Great.’ He nodded as if that was settled. ‘I can go fishing and you can, I don’t know, read or something.’
No way was I going all the way to Scotland to witness my boyfriend standing up to his nether regions in a lake getting more and more angry when he didn’t get a nibble. I’d gone fishing with him once and never again.
‘Or,’ I said slowly, ‘why don’t I help save up and we might even manage a holiday abroad?’
Harvey’s face fell. ‘So you don’t want to go to Scotland?’
‘It’s ages since I’ve been on a plane,’ I said. ‘And we’ve never been abroad together. And from Monday, I’ve got the chance to earn a bit more too.’
‘How come?’ He frowned. ‘You said that other woman was coming back.’
‘I’ve been offered a promotion to supervisor!’ I said brightly, despite the quiver from my insides. ‘Isn’t that good news?’
He clenched his jaw. ‘Management? You’ve only been there five minutes. You’re not even a qualified gardener. Who did you have to sweet talk to get that?’
‘No one! Paula just offered it to me; I was as shocked as you on Monday when she—’ I gulped as he narrowed his eyes.
‘You’ve known for three days?’ He looked down at his plate and pushed it away with a bark of laughter. ‘Nothing says guilty conscience like a posh dinner and a bottle of wine. Trying to butter me up, were you?’
‘Harvey, I don’t need to butter you up.’ I straightened my spine. ‘I’ve been selected for this job – which, I hasten to add, I haven’t accepted yet – based on my performance. I’m not the least bit guilty and it would be nice if you congratulated me instead of accusing me.’
‘Well, congratulations,’ he said sarcastically.
My gaze softened. ‘Thank you. It came as such a surprise, nothing had been advertised and—’
He raised a hand. ‘Sorry, but have you thought about how this makes me feel?’ He stared at me. Both his fists were clenched so tightly that his knuckles were white. He’d never laid a finger on me, not really, but now he had a look of fury in his eyes and I was worried he could erupt at any second.
‘I hoped you’d feel proud.’ I slid my hand over his but he shook it off.
‘I brought you to London to support me, to help me become a successful personal trainer, not to start building your own career behind my back. You make me look like a failure.’
‘I do support you,’ I said. ‘Completely. You’re not a failure at all; I believe in you. It takes time to build a reputation, that’s all. And I haven’t done anything behind your back. I’m allowed a career too.’
‘You’ve kept this a secret from me since Monday.’ He stood up abruptly and scraped the remains of his dinner into the bin. ‘I bet you’ve told your sister.’
I opened my mouth and the slight hesitation told him all he needed to know.
He nodded curtly, glanced around the kitchen for his phone and put it in his pocket. ‘I’m going out.’
‘Harvey, please, let’s discuss this,’ I said, clasping my hands together to stop them from shaking. ‘I don’t even know if I want the job. But the alternative is to have no job, to start again, register with the recruitment agencies and look for anything. Anywhere.’
He looked at me coldly. ‘Do what you want. You usually do.’
After he’d gone I poured myself another glass of wine and contemplated ringing Evie or my dad and telling them what a predicament I’d got myself into. In the end, I decided against hearing their advice; this was something I needed to work out on my own. Instead, I sat in the dark, tears sliding down my cheeks, wondering what had happened to the bright and bubbly Lottie Allbright I used to be and when I’d become so weak. I pressed a hand to my heart; she was in there somewhere, I was sure, and maybe it was time to find her again.
Chapter 4
The next morning, the storm clouds had cleared and so had my head; I knew exactly what I would say to Paula: I needed to do the right thing for me.
When Mum died, I’d gladly given up my university place to be at home with Dad. When he started up the tree surgery business, I’d been happy to join him. We’d had fun, him and I, working together. Every year or so, he’d check that I didn’t secretly wish I was doing something more exciting. I’d always assure him that I didn’t. Then Harvey had come into my life and shaken it up like one of those little glass snow storms and changed everything. And although I’d never had a yearning to live in London, I’d been swept along with his zest for adventure and had happily followed him.
I got up for work, creeping around the bedroom as usual so as not to disturb Harvey, who’d reappeared around midnight last night worse for wear, crashed around in the bathroom, before collapsing in his boxer shorts on top of the bed. I paused, leaning on the door frame to study his face in slumber before I left. His forehead smooth, long lashes brushing his cheeks, his lovely full lips pouting slightly with every out breath; he looked serene and calm, no trace of the demon within that had become the third person in our relationship.
‘Goodbye, Harvey,’ I murmured.
I blew him a kiss he’d never know about and slipped from the flat down to the street below, still quiet at this hour, not even bothering with the pretence of taking my protein shake with me today.
By mid-morning, I was jittery and restless and barely able to concentrate on feeding and weeding the large rose bed; Paula had asked to see me at noon and I couldn’t wait to get it over with. The centre of the bed was full of standard roses: tall and neat with their foliage pruned to maintain the perfect shape. They weren’t my favourite, I liked the more free-spirited ramblers which climbed walls, found neighbours to mix with and searched for the sunniest aspect. I worked backwards with my hoe, turning over the
soil, chopping the tiniest weeds with the blade and stooping every so often to yank out any larger offenders. I was straightening up when out of the corner of my eye I spotted the swish of bright fabric. A woman in her late fifties had settled on to a bench a few metres away, her hands clasped in her lap.
‘Lovely morning, isn’t it?’ I said, turning to smile at her.
I never said more than that; in my experience, if visitors wanted to talk they would.
She wore a red polka-dot dress with a full skirt, matching nail varnish on fingers and toes, and high-heeled wedge sandals. Her glossy caramel-coloured hair hung in waves to her shoulders and although she was wearing sunglasses which covered a large part of her face, contentment radiated from her.
‘Glorious,’ she said, returning my smile. ‘I love the sun. My late husband Raymond didn’t. He liked winter. Says it all, really; we were chalk and cheese.’
She gave a self-conscious laugh and I turned back to my hoeing.
‘I had that birdbath erected in his memory,’ she said after a few moments.
I looked across to the bed of stone chippings dotted with alpine plants. To one side was an engraved stone column with a shallow dish on top of it.
‘That’s charming,’ I said. ‘I like the fact that there are lots of different textures in the garden. It means that there’s always something to look at, whatever the season. And it’s lovely to attract birds.’
‘I chose it because it seemed fitting,’ said the woman, smiling with mischief. ‘Stone is hard and unyielding just like him; as opposed to a flower, which would bloom and grow and enjoy the sun. Also, he used to take pot-shots at the birds in our garden with his air rifle. I thought it was karma.’
There was clearly a story here, but it wasn’t my place to ask questions, no matter how tempting it might be.
‘This is my last visit to see him,’ she said, standing up and coming closer. ‘I’ve met someone else now. Someone who makes me happy. Raymond hadn’t done that for a long time.’
She gazed into the distance, her smile gone.
‘But you were happy once?’ I said softly.
A look of pain flashed across her face. ‘At first, yes … Do you know what a narcissist is?’
I leaned on the handle of the hoe. ‘I think it’s someone who only values their own opinion, who views the world in terms of how it affects them, am I right?’
She exhaled. ‘They’re a lot more dangerous than that. They tell you what you want to hear, they’ll pursue you relentlessly and make you feel loved like no one else ever has. And once you return that love, bit by bit, day by day, they cut you off from your friends and family and from who you used to be, moulding you into the person they want you to be.’
I stared at her. That was almost the exact thought I’d had last night, when I’d wondered what had happened to the old me.
‘At the time I didn’t even notice it,’ she continued. ‘Or if I did, I loved him so much that I made excuses for his behaviour: mistaking his jealousy for love, telling myself that his controlling ways were simply because he wanted to care for me, do what was best for me.’
My heart rate began to gallop; this all sounded too familiar. Why had I never realized this about Harvey before? A single tear rolled down the woman’s cheek. She wiped it away and I gave her a sympathetic smile.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I said, not sure what else I could say.
‘I’d have loved to have had children, but every year he came up with another excuse: we couldn’t afford it, he didn’t want to share me with anyone, he’d booked us an exotic holiday which would be ruined if I was pregnant. And then I went through an early menopause when I was forty and the door closed on that dream for ever. For years I felt like I was simply existing instead of living.’
A shiver ran down my spine. Would this be me in the future? I took a fortifying breath and gritted my teeth. No it wouldn’t, I decided, I wouldn’t let it.
‘Why didn’t you leave him?’ I asked without thinking.
She sucked in air sharply and then slid her sunglasses up to the top of her head to reveal pretty blue eyes with a lattice of fine lines at the corners.
‘Forget I asked that,’ I said, glancing over my shoulder on the off chance someone was in earshot. Asking that sort of question would not go down well with my boss. ‘It’s none of my business.’
She smiled sadly. ‘It’s fine. I tried to leave him, but I was never quite brave enough. I should have made a complete break, no lingering goodbyes, no contact. The trouble was both of our families lived close by; if I’d left him, I’d have been forced to leave my parents too. They were elderly, they couldn’t have managed without me – nor me without them, really.’
I bit my lip, tears blurring my vision. ‘That’s so sad.’
She looked at me, startled. ‘Hey, are you okay?’
I shook my head. ‘You could have been describing my boyfriend just then. The controlling behaviour, the gradual cutting me off from my family. Like you, I’ve been making excuses for him. It’s got to the point where I’m censoring everything I say and do.’
She looked at me appraisingly for a moment. ‘That’s not good. You poor love.’
‘I haven’t wanted to admit it to anyone, even myself, but I’ve just been existing too.’ I rubbed my forearm across my face, wiping away the tears. ‘I don’t know what to do.’
‘Okay; first, don’t panic.’ She took the hoe from my hand and led me back to the bench she’d been sitting on. ‘Let’s talk this through.’
I perched on the edge, conscious of the CCTV. ‘I’m sorry, you’ve come here to pay your respects, you shouldn’t be—’
She shook her head. ‘Nonsense. I’m glad to help. I’m Vicky, by the way.’
‘Lottie.’
‘Do you have children, Lottie?’ She handed me a tissue from her handbag.
‘Thank you.’ I dabbed my eyes. ‘No. Thank heavens. He’d probably resent my relationship with a child. He’s jealous of everyone I come into contact with.’
She sighed. ‘That does sound like Raymond. Do you have family nearby?’
I shook my head. ‘I’m from Derbyshire. We came down here last year for his work but I miss my dad and my sister very much.’
She laughed but it was without humour. ‘Let me guess: he doesn’t like them to visit and complains if you contact them?’
I pulled a face. ‘He doesn’t encourage it.’
She listened silently while I went on to tell her about Evie’s one and only visit. We’d planned that she’d come down on the train on Saturday morning and stay until after lunch on Sunday. But when I told Harvey, he claimed that he’d got theatre tickets for Saturday night as a surprise because he’d assumed Evie would only be here for a day. Besides, the flat was so small, he’d argued, there wasn’t room for her. I’d waved that away, confident that Evie wouldn’t mind a night on the sofa. I was delighted that he’d bought the tickets, it was so thoughtful of him. But I made the mistake of suggesting that she and I take the tickets seeing as it was her first trip to London to visit me. He’d been mortally offended that I didn’t want to go with him and it had taken me three days to persuade him otherwise. In the end, Evie came for the day and Harvey took me to see Stomp that night. It had been good, but all the way through I couldn’t help thinking how sad it was that my sister had been forced to cut her trip short.
Vicky frowned thoughtfully. ‘How would you feel about giving up this job?’
I laughed half-heartedly. ‘Harvey would love it.’
She looked at me sternly. ‘Forget his opinion. I’m asking you.’
I blinked at her; she was right. I’d got into the habit of always considering what Harvey would think about something before I allowed myself to consider my own feelings. I felt disgusted with my own weakness.
Vicky patted my hand. ‘I can tell by your face what’s going through your mind. But stop blaming yourself. Harvey has had a lifetime of practising this behaviour; you’re only just learni
ng his tricks.’
I nodded. ‘You’re right and actually today’s my last day doing this job.’
I explained about the promotion and the agony I’d had deciding whether to take it or not. When I finished, Vicky blew out a breath.
‘Okay. Two minutes ago, you asked me what you should do,’ she said firmly. ‘I’ll tell you, but it’s going to take bravery.’
I nodded. ‘This is the mad thing, I’ve always been quite brave, you should see me up a tree with a chainsaw.’
Vicky laughed. ‘I like your spirit. Okay, listen, it’s easy to give advice; it’s much harder to take it. But if I was in your shoes, I’d go. Today. As soon as you can.’
My eyes widened. ‘Seriously? Leave the flat and him and just … disappear?’
‘Yes. Don’t hang around to give him long explanations, just go, he won’t let you leave him without putting up a fight, he’ll do everything in his power to win back your love. So don’t give him the opportunity. Cut off all ties, block him from your phone, move back to your family. Cold turkey.’
My heart started to thump. I’d been planning on accepting the promotion. I knew I could do it and I wanted to show Harvey that I wouldn’t be bullied into turning it down, even if it would make life uncomfortable while he got used to the idea. But the job would be permanent and I’d have to give a month’s notice if I wanted to leave. Whereas today …
‘I could do my last shift, catch an evening train and be back in Fernfield before he even knew I’d gone,’ I said softly. On Fridays, Harvey started work at noon and didn’t finish until eight. Plenty of time. If that was what I wanted.
Vicky touched my arm. ‘Lottie, the easiest course of action would be to stay exactly as you are and accept that this is just the way he is. Is that what you want?’
I shook my head. I deserved more than that.
‘Thank you, Vicky,’ I said, giving her a hug. ‘You’ve given me the courage I needed.’
‘I’m so glad,’ she said, patting my back. ‘One last thing: before this all has a chance to blur in your mind, write down the reasons why you left him, so if you’re tempted to come back, or if he comes looking for you, you’ll have something to remind you why you mustn’t. Ever.’
A Vintage Summer Page 4
