I nodded and then shuddered with dread; I wouldn’t put it past Harvey to try to get me to change my mind, he never liked to lose at anything. ‘Right, I’d better go and tell my boss what I’ve decided.’
Vicky smiled and stood up, pulling me to my feet. ‘That would be my sister, Paula. I’ll come with you. She hated Raymond so much she almost banned me from sprinkling his ashes here. When she hears about Harvey, she’ll understand; in fact, I’ll go as far as to say she’ll help as much as she can.’
I shook my head in amazement; today was getting odder and odder. ‘I feel like I’ve met my fairy godmother!’
Vicky was right: half an hour later, Paula had sorted out my employment paperwork and had decided to give me the rest of the afternoon off as a farewell gift. She’d been brilliant about me turning down the promotion and agreed with her sister that the sooner I got out of my toxic relationship the better.
I left her on the phone to a recruitment agency to advertise for a new supervisor and Vicky walked me to the exit.
‘Thanks for listening,’ I said, giving her a last hug. ‘I thought I was going crazy. I thought I was being over-sensitive. You’ve helped me make sense of it all.’
‘It’s weird, you know,’ she said, looking puzzled. ‘I hadn’t planned to come to the crematorium today, but something propelled me here. I just couldn’t get away from the idea that I needed to come. I think it was to see you. To stop you making the same mistakes I did.’
‘I’m glad we met.’ My hands were shaking as she took them in hers. ‘I’m sick with nerves, to be honest, but now I’ve made the decision, I just want to get on with it.’
Her gaze held mine. ‘Living, really living, is about more than just breathing in and out. You have to make each breath, each moment count. Life really is too short to merely exist. Do this for you. And for me.’
‘I will,’ I said. ‘Enjoy the rest of your life with your new man.’
‘I intend to,’ she said with a coy smile. ‘And don’t let Harvey put you off men for too long, they’re not all the same, you know.’
True, they weren’t all the same, I thought, as I hurried away from the crematorium for the last time. But I wasn’t interested in heading into another relationship any time soon; I had a feeling it would be tricky enough extricating myself from this one.
My legs felt shaky on the walk from the tube station to the flat and my stomach was in knots as I weighed up my next move. I was heading back to Fernfield, that was a given, but did I ring Evie or Dad and warn them, which would unleash a torrent of questions, or should I just turn up and tell them the news when I got there? A simple text message this afternoon might work best, I decided, that way I could let them know I was on my way but still keep it brief.
I’d text Dad, tell him I’d got a couple of days off and was paying him a flying visit. That should do it. I pulled my phone out of my bag and found that there was a missed call from him plus a text from Evie.
So last night I confessed to Darren that I’d been looking into fostering. I told him how much it means to me to be a mum. He said I’d be a great mum but it wasn’t for him. I might have said that he was being selfish. He disagreed saying he wasn’t going to stand in my way and it was better if we split up. So he’s moved out and gone to stay at a mate’s. So that went well. Please don’t me call back, I can’t talk about it just yet without sobbing xxx
Oh God. Poor Evie. What a nightmare. Was this my fault? I’d been the one urging her to tell him the truth. I felt sick at the thought. I texted her back.
My darling girl, I’m so, so sorry. I’m coming home. Sending massive hugs and see you soon xxx
There’s no need, I’m better off alone x
I’m coming anyway
Thank heavens
I wondered if that was what Dad was calling about and called him next.
‘Hello, love! Lunch break?’
I hesitated. ‘Sort of. Is everything okay? How’s Evie?’
‘Evie?’ He sounded confused, which meant he didn’t know yet. ‘Fine, I think. Now, I’ll keep this brief as you’re on your mobile.’
‘It’s fine, Dad, honestly.’ He was always convinced that calls to mobiles cost an arm and a leg.
‘If you say so,’ he said warily. ‘It’s just that Adam has proposed to his girlfriend.’
‘That’s great!’ This was lovely news; Adam was Dad’s new business partner and his girlfriend Nicky was the receptionist at the village doctor’s surgery.
‘They both still live at home at the moment but they’ve decided to move in together,’ Dad continued.
‘Okay.’ I waited for him to get to the punchline, he would never normally call to update me on this sort of stuff.
‘And they’ve asked to rent our house – I mean, my house – while I’m on my travels.’
‘Oh. That’s good.’
My spirits sank. I hadn’t got as far as thinking about my living arrangements, but somewhere in the back of my head, I’d thought maybe Dad would let me live there while he was away.
There was a pause on the line.
‘So now I can get going sooner than I thought. I’ve planned a route, bought some travel books and … Well, you don’t need to know all that.’
‘I’m happy for you Dad, really. And I think Mum would be really proud of you for going.’
I’d turned into our street now and without realizing it I was walking close to the buildings, staying in the shadows, pressing myself into doorways just in case Harvey hadn’t gone to work for some reason. Which was ridiculous because Harvey had never had a day off sick since I’d known him.
‘Thanks, love. The thing is, I need to clear your room to put everything in storage. Is there anything you particularly want sending on, or can I box it all up?’
My heart leapt; if I’d needed another sign to convince me that leaving London today was the right thing to do, this would have been it.
‘Tell you what, Dad, I’ll do it myself.’
‘What? There’s no need to do that. Besides, I don’t have time to hang about. Adam and Nicky want to move in on Monday.’
‘Then I’ll come tonight. No arguments, I want to. I’ll text you when I know what time the train gets in.’
‘Excellent! Well, if you’re sure?’
‘I’m sure,’ I said, growing more confident by the second. ‘See you later.’
A flicker of excitement warmed my insides as I turned my key in the door and found the flat empty just as it should be. It was really happening.
It only took me ten minutes to pull my two suitcases from under the bed and stuff my belongings into them. It took me twice as long to compose a kind but firm letter to Harvey.
Dear Harvey,
I have come to a very difficult decision to end our relationship and leave London. I know that my decision will hurt you and you will be disappointed that I’m writing this down and leaving without telling you but I want to explain my reasons why.
For a while now I’ve felt that things between us haven’t been right and I’ve felt pressured into doing things your way: behaving in a certain way to please you, avoiding speaking to my family when you’re around, even eating and drinking things you approve of. This week, your reaction to our conversation about fostering and the way you lost your temper when I told you about my promotion upset me. You are a big strong man and when you get mad, it frightens me.
The last six months have been an adventure. You’ve taken me out of my comfort zone and I’ll always be grateful to you for that. Living in London is great for you. With your energy and enthusiasm and irrepressible drive, I know your business will be a great success.
But you have such an assertive personality that sometimes I’ve felt swallowed up by you and your plans and lately I’ve lost a sense of myself and what I want out of life. Since the crematorium gave me the chance of promotion, I’ve realized that a permanent life in London isn’t for me. I’m a country girl at heart. I’m used to space and quiet, where peo
ple know me and I can feel part of a community. I want to build a home, somewhere peaceful, where I can feel safe and loved and that’s not going to happen here, with you.
I’ll always remember the good times we had together and I wish you every happiness for the future. I hope that you can find someone else who shares your dreams, but I know that that person can never be me.
With love
Lottie x
I left the letter, along with my door key, on the kitchen work surface next to the fridge where I knew he’d go first. And then, before I could change my mind, I transferred my cases to the communal hallway and closed the door firmly behind me.
Goodbye, London; I was going home.
Chapter 5
I passed through many tiny stations on my way home, but none as pretty as Fernfield, I thought, smiling at the guard who kindly handed my cases down to me. Colourful hanging baskets were dotted along the platform, trailing braids of purple petunias, gaudy geraniums and wispy ivy. Glass window panes were sparkling, the wrought-iron benches and railings were painted to glossy perfection, and in pride of place, on the wall outside the ticket office, was a shiny plaque commemorating a visit by Prince Charles when he was on one of his ‘Aren’t British farmers just the bees’ knees?’ campaigns.
But it wasn’t the quaint features of the station that caught my attention this evening; it was the sight of Evie and Dad standing near the exit.
As soon as Evie saw me she dashed forward. ‘Lottie!’ she yelled.
My sister had inherited Mum’s build: petite, dainty and as slender as a blade of summer barley. Her chin-length blonde bob perfectly framed an elfin face from which shone huge, intelligent eyes. Now, though, her eyes were red-rimmed and puffy.
She flung herself at me and almost suffocated me with the strength of her hug and I could feel every notch in her spine. She’d been through so much, and I hadn’t been there for her. I’d make up for it, I vowed silently, hit by a fierce rush of love for her.
‘It is so good to see you,’ I said, returning her embrace. ‘I’m so sorry about you and Darren.’
‘Don’t.’ She mimed zipping her lips. ‘Not yet. But you couldn’t have come at a better time. I really need my sister right now.’
‘Ditto,’ I said, swallowing the lump in my throat. ‘Does Dad know?’
She grimaced. ‘Told him on the way here. Poor bloke almost cancelled his trip. I hope I’ve convinced him I’ll be fine.’
We pulled back to look at each other at the same time; both of us had tears sparkling in our eyes.
‘Will you?’ I asked.
‘Eventually,’ she said huskily. ‘Something needed to happen, it’s been like living in a pressure cooker in our house for the last couple of months. I’m just sad that the “something” had to be us splitting up.’
Her gaze lowered to my two large suitcases, which by anybody’s standards were excessive for a flying visit. She looked quizzically at me but before she could ask questions, Dad wrapped his arms around both of us. I’d inherited Dad’s height and dark hair, but luckily not his broad-shouldered, muscular frame, although there was a lot more of me than Evie.
‘Is this a private teary reunion, or can anyone join in?’ he said, giving us whiskery kisses and tickling us with his wiry beard. We giggled and wriggled away, just as he’d known we would, as we’d been doing for the last thirty-odd years.
Finally, we broke apart. Dad picked up both my cases and Evie insisted on carrying my handbag to his van, which was parked in the waiting zone outside the station.
‘Now, seeing as I’ve got both my girls to myself for a change,’ he said, once we were all belted up in the front of the van, ‘I’ll treat you to dinner. It’s either back home for sardines on toast or down to the pub for fish and chip Friday.’
‘Oh God,’ said Evie with a shudder. ‘Pub. No contest. Besides, I need a drink.’
‘Me too,’ I added, and the relief at being back in Fernfield hit me with such force that I had to stare out of the window and take a few deep breaths.
The Royal Oak was always busy on a Friday night, but we placed our order, managed to find a reasonably quiet table and sat down with our drinks. I was feeling utterly drained by the events of the day and my head was starting to ache, so I only ordered water in the end. I was feeling nauseous too, partly due to hunger, but also due to the ticking time bomb in my stomach that was on countdown to when Harvey arrived home to find me gone.
I needed to find the right moment to tell them that I was back for the foreseeable future, but first I wanted to know more about the situation between Evie and Darren. I waited until Dad went to the loo and took Evie’s hand.
‘Do you want to talk about it?’ I murmured, holding her gaze.
She groaned and gulped at her wine.
‘I’m just going to blurt it out quickly, okay? Because I’m permanently this close to tears.’ She demonstrated with a tiny gap between her thumb and forefinger.
I nodded encouragingly as Evie began to tell me what had happened.
She said last night she’d tried to explain how she felt to Darren: that a part of her was missing, that if she hadn’t had the miscarriage she’d have been a mum by now and that she didn’t think she’d ever stop grieving for the baby they’d lost, but that she still wanted motherhood – parenthood – to be part of their future. Darren couldn’t even discuss it.
‘He just clammed up,’ she said briskly, blinking away her tears. ‘He said he didn’t feel the same and that if that was what I wanted he wasn’t going to stand in my way. And then he packed a bag and I watched him leave, thinking that maybe this was the only logical next step.’
‘I’m so sorry.’ I swallowed the lump in my throat, not wanting to set her off in public. ‘And how do you feel now?’
She blinked mournful big eyes at me. ‘Exhausted, shell-shocked. But there’s a sort of relief in things coming to a head. We couldn’t continue as we were.’
‘Fish and chips?’ The waitress hovered over us with brimming plates and set them down just as Dad came back. Evie and I plastered on smiles, passed the condiments around and the conversation bumbled along for a few minutes while we tucked into our food.
‘Thanks for coming home at such short notice,’ said Dad, sprinkling more salt over his chips.
I felt the familiar prickle of rashy heat at my neck. ‘Actually, there are some things I need to tell you about me and Harvey.’
Evie looked up sharply. ‘Go on.’
And I told them how happy Harvey and I had been when we’d first moved to London. How much fun we’d had setting up home together. And then, as time went by, how his love had turned from affection to possession and he’d started to become suspicious of everyone I spoke to, jealous of anyone I spent time with other than him, and that he’d tried to persuade me not to see my family. In fact, all he wanted was to keep me for himself, preferably in the flat 24/7. I didn’t tell them his negative views on Evie’s decision to become a foster mum, that wouldn’t achieve anything. Besides I could see from their faces, they’d already heard enough to change their opinions of him.
When I ran out of words there was a moment’s stunned silence around the table. Finally, Evie reached across and hugged me tight.
‘You poor lamb,’ she said in a low voice. ‘I’m so sorry you’ve been through that on your own.’
I smiled sadly. ‘You’ve had enough to deal with without me adding to your problems.’
‘I’ll be fine.’ She pressed her lips together and began to pleat her napkin. ‘And anyway, I’d never be too busy to talk to you.’
Dad looked at us both and an expression of worry flashed across his face. Poor Dad. Two daughters in their thirties, both with man troubles, and him about to leave the country.
‘Well, he had me fooled; I thought you’d found yourself a gentleman and that you were having a great time in London.’ Dad sat back in his upholstered chair, frowning. ‘I feel a right idiot for not noticing anything.’
‘Me too,’ I said, my voice shaky with relief that they’d believed me without question.
‘He was lovely when you first met him,’ said Evie. ‘Even Darren said so, and he doesn’t give praise lightly. We were all taken in.’
I noticed how naturally she dropped Darren’s name into conversation. I hoped with all my heart that the spark between them was still alive. I had no intention of interfering, but now I was back, I was going to monitor that spark and if I did see an opportunity to fan the flames, I would do so.
Dad patted Evie’s hand and sighed. He was very fond of Darren; I knew it must be hard for him to stand by and witness their break-up.
‘You’re well rid,’ Evie added in disgust.
‘I read up about narcissists on the train. Apparently that’s their MO. They love-bomb you to start with, and once you trust them they gradually start wearing you down, undermining your confidence until you’re so unsure of yourself that they can swoop in and control you.’
Evie shivered. ‘Sounds horrific.’
‘It wasn’t all bad,’ I said wistfully, thinking back to some of the happy times we’d had in London in the early days: our weekend jaunts to stroll round markets, brunch in Covent Garden watching street entertainers, boat trips along the Thames … fun touristy things. Harvey had been good company then, a little possessive at times, but I’d been too in love to notice.
Dad made a growling noise. ‘And to think I encouraged you to go off with him.’
‘I’d have gone anyway,’ I said, squeezing his hand. ‘I was totally smitten, I thought he was “the one”. But he wasn’t and now I’m home again.’
‘Well, I feel sick to my stomach.’ He frowned. ‘I wish I hadn’t ordered apple crumble now, I don’t think I could eat another thing.’
I hid a smile as I looked at Dad’s plate scraped clean: he’d demolished an extra-large cod, chips and peas before hoovering up my leftover chips and most of Evie’s dinner. She hadn’t done much more than push hers around.
A Vintage Summer Page 5
