Wizards on a Rampage: A Tale of Two Realms (Mayr Stories Book 1)

by Lee Walsh

  John's robe became wet at the top of the legs around the crotch area.

  When we had finished with John, sending him on his way with his tail between his legs, we returned to the pub to find Billy sat there, still minding his own business.

  “Well done, Billy,” I said.

  “No need,” Billy replied. “I was only being honest.”

  Had Billy had a single hair on his head, at that moment I would have ruffled his hair in a playful manner. I was proud of the stupid, skinny, bald wizard.

  “Where's Wanda? Do you know?” I asked Billy.

  “No idea, Percy,” he answered. “I know John was ready to hand her over to Agatha but she disappeared the next day in the human realm and I have absolutely no idea where. I've not seen her since.”

  At that precise moment, it didn't matter so much. I was worried for Wanda but the fact the real Eric Grindstone was on our side and Billy and I were back together meant a lot to me. Brownbeard was a good friend with a good sense of humour too.

  The price of the beer was still extortionate and our quest was far from over.

  “Told you,” I said, looking at Eric who'd noticed the prices of beer listed on the menu.

  “You were right,” said Eric. “This really is too expensive. Something must be done about this.”

  Brownbeard spat out his beer after looking at the price, “and it tastes like crap.”

  +

  THE LITTLE PEOPLE

  The fugitives entered Ecklewood with a determination to kill everyone and... “Whoa there! That was never our intention,” shouted Percy.

  The three took refuge in the sleepy town of Ecklewood with the hope the orcs would feel the taste of the cold, sharp steel of their blades... “What on earth has got into you?” Percy quizzed.

  +

  THREE WIZARDS AND a dwarf were in a pub in Ecklewood; a town governed by elves and guarded by orcs with ridiculously overpriced beer. There were two main differences between Hanging Gardens and Ecklewood. Firstly, we couldn't fall off Ecklewood and secondly, in Ecklewood, we had to avoid the orcs at all costs. There were wanted posters plastered all over Ecklewood with an artist's impression of each of our faces. Not one of them looked like any of us and I was happy about that. It meant the orcs would never recognise any of us and I looked rather handsome in the picture.

  We went through a few days of intensive training at my old house in the centre of Ecklewood and let me tell you this, never invite a dwarf to train with his axe at your house. It can cause quite a mess – particularly in a standard two-up, two-down and mine wasn't one built to last.

  Once we had finished the training, we set off on our quest. The idea was to journey throughout Mayr and recruit an army of all races that were against the elves. Raising the most frightening and powerful army the realm had ever seen would ultimately bring us the means to be able to do something about the price of beer in Ecklewood. Someone needed to do something and fate had decided that this task lay in our hands.

  We knew getting out of Ecklewood would be a problem as nobody was allowed to leave without good reason. The dead of night would be the best time to attempt such a feat. The orcs who guarded the gates to Ecklewood liked sleeping during the night as few people had ever tried to escape.

  We were the stupid ones but our plan was a cunning one. The orcs were sleeping like the good guards they were when we arrived at the gates. Billy, Eric, and I hid around the corner and waited for Brownbeard to wake the orcs up. Waking guards up sounds like an easy task but these are orcs and wake them up the wrong way and they would most certainly do something to your feet as punishment.

  “WAKE UP! WAKE UP!” shouted Brownbeard, clattering his axe against a wall near the gates.

  One of the orcs raised his head from the table atop the tower and rubbed his eyes.

  “I'm sorry for waking you up like this, sir,” Brownbeard yelled. “But I've come to the wrong town. I thought this was Raggar. Must have drunk too much!”

  The orc grumbled and murmured something incoherent. A dwarf in Ecklewood was an unusual sight for him. He stumbled down the ladders which led up to the watchtower where the rest of the orcs slept. He missed the last couple of steps and fell flat on his face. I chuckled and Eric held his hand over my mouth in an attempt to keep as quiet as possible.

  Helping the orc to his feet, Brownbeard said, “better watch yourself there, my old friend. Death traps, they are,” pointing his axe at the tired ladders.

  “How'd you get in here, dwarf?” the orc asked.

  “I'm a journeyman,” Brownbeard replied. “I travel through Mayr, looking for a good fight and, after winning, I continue on my journey. I take a bottle of mead with me everywhere I go and must have had a bit too much last night. Ended up in 'ere, didn't I? It's all a blank before that, I'm afraid.”

  “Did you come here to fight me?” the orc asked.

  “Absolutely not, sir,” answered Brownbeard. “I have nothing but the utmost respect for fellow fighters like you good orcs. Haven't fought an orc since the old days.”

  “Ugh, you're lucky. I'm too tired anyway,” the orc said through a gaping wide yawn. He rubbed his eyes once again. “Fine, I'll let you out but don't let me see you here again.”

  The orc climbed back up the ladders, woke his colleague up and they began turning the wheel which opened the gates. Brownbeard thanked them and strolled through casually once they were fully open.

  While the orcs were busy opening the gates to Ecklewood, Eric tiptoed through the gates undetected and Billy scurried through right after him. I was next and I got through the gates in exquisite fashion – just before the gates had completely lowered to the ground, I ran through as fast as I could and slid my body under them at the last second. I lost my hat and dangerously reached back under the gate in order to obtain it. What's a wizard without a hat? Human filmmakers would have been proud of me and filmed it all in slow motion, for sure.

  +

  Three free men with a dangerous and, most likely, deadly quest gazed upon the landscape. Such tranquillity lay before us in all directions; the rolling hills on the faint distant horizon, treetops glistened with the twinkle of the stars, and several towers from other, now derelict, towns scattered around shone in the moonlight.

  “Wait a minute,” shouted one of the orcs who'd opened the gates. “That's them! GET THEM!”

  They had recognised us. I'm not sure if you've ever been wanted by orcs but they really do put the frighteners into your blood.

  They began to turn the large wheel to open the gates again as the alarms throughout Ecklewood sounded. A deafening, high pitched shriek rang out around Ecklewood as we ran towards the forest which lay to the east of Ecklewood. Orcs came quickly in pursuit and we had nowhere else to go.

  We made for the forest knowing full well the orcs wouldn't dare confront the nocturnal beings. It was a dark night, perfect for those night-lurkers. We ran as deep into the forest as our bravery would allow before stopping by some old rocks from prehistoric times.

  “I'm scared,” said Billy.

  “Don't be silly, Billy,” I replied. “We'll get through the rest of the night and make our way to Old Winston.”

  Old Winston was an older, retired alchemist who lived on the other side of the forest. He'd once concocted an incredibly explosive recipe with the plan of pouring it into the sewers underneath Ark-Gaiu and blowing up the elves from under their own feet. The only problem for him was that his map-reading skills left something to be desired and he got himself lost in Ecklewood when some orcs caught him before he could even reach the other side of the gates of the town. He was sentenced to spend his remaining days in solitude working for the elves in producing the magical elixirs which kept them alive for such a long time. He seemed like the best place to start a plot against the elves.

  The pursuing orcs quickly gave up and left us alone in the forest to fend off the nocturnal beings. The safest possible option at this moment in time was to tear a hole in the fabric and ent
er the human realm to rest before heading to Old Winston in our realm.

  We did so and quickly. We could feel the presence of the creatures approaching us getting closer. It's amazing how quickly one can work through with the fear of your life being drained from you by those evil creatures. We managed to open a hole in record time and we each jumped through immediately.

  +

  “I think I'll get some sleep now,” Eric said, sitting down and leaning against the oak tree. “We have a long journey ahead of us and I would recommend you do the same.”

  “Never been here before,” Brownbeard said. “Seems... peaceful. Can we go back now?”

  “The humans are never a peaceful bunch,” I replied. “They're constantly fighting and at war with each other over the silliest of things.”

  “Let's stay here then,” Brownbeard suggested. “Seems like a fun idea.”

  “Brownbeard,” I said. “Think of your family and friends in Raggar. We need to do something about Mayr.”

  “True,” he replied. “Then we can come here and have some real fun to celebrate our victory against the elves.”

  Eric looked quite relaxed to be in the human realm and went to sleep the second he shut his eyes using a tree root as a pillow. Brownbeard was quick to follow suit while Billy and I remained awake talking and catching up.

  “What do you think happened to Wanda, Percy?” Billy asked.

  “I don't know, Billy. But I want to find her. I kind of miss the little witch,” I answered but before I finished my sentence, Billy had fallen asleep like a child with a bedtime story.

  I was too nervous about what plan destiny had for me. I remained awake that night and took in my surroundings. I walked to the edge of the field where there was a road and I hid behind a hedge while watching the humans enjoy themselves. It was a Saturday night and most of them were on their way home from the pub, so it seemed. Staggering along and singing to their favourite songs and happy enough in their own little world. The humans didn't seem all that bad and maybe their lives were happy enough without magic. It gives me the shudders just thinking about that life.

  It was a shame for the fantasy writers Melody had killed but the humans didn't seem to mind so much. They just got on with their lives and enjoyed themselves.

  I walked into the town centre and into a pub. The drunken humans didn't even notice I was dressed up as a wizard.

  “One beer please, good sir,” I asked at the bar.

  “No problem,” the waiter said. “Which one?”

  “You have more than one?” I said in shock that the humans had managed to muster up a miracle like that. The bartender ignored my question and poured me a drink.

  “Stag party on your own is it?” he asked.

  I thought about his question deeply for a moment, “what?”

  “Where is the rest of your stag party?” he asked.

  “I'm not sure I understand,” I answered. I had no idea what this man was talking about but I didn't care, “can I just have a beer please?” I had seen some of the humans' paper money so decided to create a bit with the bit of magic that I had in their realm. I couldn't be sure this was legal but it was for the greater good.

  I drank my drink sat on a stool at the bar before a familiar face walked into the pub.

  “Can take the wizard out of Mayr, but not out of the pub,” the face said with a smile.

  “Wanda!” I said, running over to her with arms wide open. “Where have you been?”

  “I've been here all along, Percy,” she said. “What about you?”

  “I thought you'd know everything by now?” I said. “Agatha caught me and sent me to Hanging Gardens. Thankfully, Eric and I managed to escape.”

  “Eric?” Wanda asked.

  “Yes, the real Eric Grindstone,” I said excitedly. “I'm here with Billy and the real Eric. We can trust Billy.”

  “How do I know I can trust you?” she asked.

  “Wanda,” I dropped my head and lowered my voice. “I'm Percy Sunsword. You know me, we are friends. And we have other friends in Billy, the real Eric and a dwarf.”

  “A dwarf?” she asked.

  “A dwarf,” I confirmed. “You'd better come with me. I'll explain everything on the way.”

  The two of us finished our drinks and left the pub, arm-in-arm. The bartender watched us leave with a smile and gentle nod of his head directed at me. We headed to the field where the others slept without bother from a single human.

  On the way, I explained what had happened to me and the whole story. Wanda wasn't surprised in the slightest. She knew most of it already so I didn't need to go into too much detail. She told me how she'd grown fond of humans whilst in their realm.

  We arrived back at the field and the others were still there. Billy slept like a child and Eric was peaceful in his own dreamland. Brownbeard was snoring.

  +

  The following morning, a rather rude fairy with a stinking attitude woke us up.

  “You can't sleep here,” the fairy said, taking a bite out of a worm. “I've got a visitor coming soon.”

  “Fairies get visitors?” I asked.

  “Yeah, there are a few travellers I help out every so often,” she answered taking another bite out of her wriggly breakfast. I asked no more questions as a fairy's business was her business and the sight of her munching on the worm put me off having my own breakfast.

  “This guy is responsible for books between the two realms but I have a feeling he does a lot more than he lets on,” she continued.

  “Who is it?” Eric asked.

  “Blimey!” she added. “You can't expect me to know everyone's name. All I know is that I'm going to get him for what he did to me after helping him.”

  “What's that?” I asked.

  “He got me pregnant, didn't he?” she said before gulping down the rest of the worm and licking her lips. “Got me knocked up and left me here with no support or anything. I'm expecting our baby any day now.”

  “I thought fairies could breed without having sex,” claimed Eric.

  “Well, that would be silly,” she said. “No, he's a wizard and came here for a few things and got me up the duff. Now, I'm stuck like this.”

  I looked down at the fairy's baby bump and I could see the little baby fairy-wizard moving around inside her. I thought it was just the worm at first but when she said that, I realised she was pregnant and there was a tiny fairy inside her.

  At this precise moment, I cannot explain what was going through my head – a wizard had impregnated a fairy. The logistics of it seemed impossible to comprehend but it was the truth and sometimes the truth is somewhat incomprehensible.

  The fairy helped us into some human clothes and we decided it would be good to learn a bit more of the human realm of which Wanda spoke of so highly. If wizards were going to be free and we were going to bring the magic back to humans, we'd most certainly need to know as much as possible about them.

  +

  We sat on a park bench and watched the humans for some time, getting to know the habitual beings as best we could.

  “I'm bored,” sighed Billy after several minutes.

  “Yeah, these aren't the most exciting of races I've ever seen,” said Wanda. “I've been here for weeks and absolutely nothing has happened.”

  “Look!” shouted Brownbeard. “A dwarven woman! I'll have me some of that!”

  “That's not a dwarf,” I replied. “She doesn't have a beard.”

  “Oh, sorry about that, I guess I just miss home too much,” Brownbeard said with a deep sigh.

  After a few more minutes of watching the humans studiously, I came up with a plan beyond all other plans.

  “Gnomes,” I said.

  Wanda replied, “that's quite possibly the most random word you have ever said in your life – and that's saying something.”

  “We can smuggle them back to Mayr, bring them back to life and recruit them for our party,” I explained.

  “Great idea,” said Wanda.
“We'll just sneak into human gardens, steal all of the little ceramic ornaments, take them to Mayr and just miraculously bring them back to life.”

  “I think there's something in that, personally,” argued Eric. “Gnomes are capable of putting up a good fight.”

  “Not against the humans,” Billy replied. “They ended up as good as dead against these monsters.”

  The short bald wizard without a beard was right; gnomes weren't well-known for their fighting an oppressive regime but why not try? We didn't have many other options at that moment so we eventually agreed to try and went in search for some gnomes.

  It didn't take too long to find some in their ceramic state. Billy was more than happy to pick them up after I had convinced him they didn't bite. The five of us managed to carry a good number of gnomes between us. Billy carried one too many and dropped one on the way back to the tree where the fairy helped us.

  “You clumsy sod,” Brownbeard said. “You've just killed one of them.”

  Billy's eyes watered up, “I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to do it.” Billy replied while trying to pick up the shattered remains of the destroyed gnome, “we can glue him back together though, right?”

  “No we can't, Billy,” replied Eric. “It doesn't work like that. If we glued him back together then brought him back to life, imagine the leakages from his body. He wouldn't be in the best of moods to help us, I don't think.”

  “That's one less, but we still have enough,” Wanda said. “Let's go home.”

  Eric introduced himself properly to Wanda on the way back and told her of the stories of rebellion and bravery from the days when Hanging Gardens was just a floating island. I listened intently and noticed how Wanda's eyelashes fluttered when he spoke her name.

  “I trust him,” Wanda whispered to me on the way back. “He seems honest and can definitely help us.”

  “He is,” I answered. “But I've got some stories of my own, you know?”

  “I know, Percy. In time, you can tell me all about your little adventures,” she said in a comforting voice.