by Lee Walsh
“I am, now. Nearly the whole of our city have died or fled because of the infestation outside,” the elf claimed.
“Very well,” said the wise man. “Then let's begin.”
During my times in school, I remembered reading about something the elves liked to do when threatened. War, to elves at least, wasn't a bloody battle fought between brave warriors, but was a game of wit and courage. When they fired arrows into the sky, the arrows hung there and awaited the loser of a game of insults.
“Your mother is a slug,” the elf shouted back.
There were no words uttered by any wizards in the camp. A few moments of silence and nobody knew what to do or say about the elf's rather rude insult. I'm sure the wise man's mother was a lovely woman.
“And your mother is a skunk,” the wise man replied. The arrows in the sky turned to face the elves.
“Your grandmother is a cockroach and your father is a human,” said the elf and the arrows turned back to face the camp. The insults continued for quite some time and the arrows swung back and forth with each insult exchanged.
“We need to leave and quickly,” I said to Wanda, Eric, Brownbeard, and Winston. “This is going to get serious.”
“Seriously what? Seriously boring?” grunted Brownbeard when he realised what was going on. The arrows changed direction countless times before we decided to actually leave. The insults were coming thick and fast and became more and more personal with each line. The elf gave his best, the arrows would turn to us. The wise man gave his best, the arrows faced the elves. This was a test of wits and it was tense.
The gnomes were the next ones to grow bored. Without Billy, they had little to do other than learn the language being spoken. Since coming to this campsite, the gnoman army had been growing more and more frustrated at the lack of action from the elves. You could see it in their tiny red-nosed faces. Anger and boredom in tiny people are a dangerous mix.
More insults were exchanged as we edged away from the campsite with the hope it'd be settled over a cup of tea and everyone could go home once the price of beer had been agreed. The tension in the atmosphere was increasing, however, and it was only a matter of time before the arrows themselves grew bored and made their minds up as to which direction they would fall.
As we entered the forest to be at a safe distance, we heard nothing. A deathly silence surrounded the area.
“A draw?” the elf shouted.
“A draw,” shouted our wise man ally and without a moment's notice, the arrows shot up into the air and exploded on impact with the clouds.
“This war is not over,” shouted the wise man.
“Of course not,” replied the elf. “This was just the first battle.”
“If all battles are like this,” declared Brownbeard. “I'm taking early retirement and going into the human realm forever.”
Everyone, including ourselves, started to pack up our belongings and head back to Ecklewood with no victory to speak of. Other people, had other ideas.
The gnoman army, for such a long period of time playing second fiddle to so many races – even the lowly humans had turned them into ceramic little beings. The gnomes were small and angry creatures with no language to speak. But from the moment they started morphing into larger gnomes, growing by the second; doubling and trebling in size, we knew that something big was going to happen. The sight was intended for sore eyes. The gnomes grew to not only the size of dwarves but then to the size of normal people. Then they grew more. Three times the average wizard. The gnomes wanted a fight and that's exactly what they were going to start.
Elves fired arrows at the gnomes and their aim was perfect but seemingly ineffective against the mighty gnomes who kept on growing. Several gnomes had been hit by the arrows as they walked towards the walls but it didn't affect them. They continued marching onwards and pulling out the arrows as they walked and growing more as they got ever closer. The rest of us decided not to stay around to see who would win this battle. We ran for cover in the forest carrying as much as we could and as far from the battle as possible.
“Wait a minute,” said Brownbeard. “Why am I running? I'm meant to be the first in battle with my ancestors.”
“You're catching wizard syndrome my little, bearded friend,” Winston answered, angering Brownbeard.
“I'll fight you – here and now if you want, old man,” threatened Brownbeard.
“Now, now, boys. We've survived the worst of it. All we need now is to kill each other because of too much testosterone,” Wanda replied.
She was right, of course. She was always right. Practically perfect in every way.
Everyone became silent and didn't speak to each other for some time while we trudged through the forest without the fear of any nocturnal beings. We headed towards Ecklewood believing the battle between the elves and gnomes would be resolved by morning.
+
14
the aftermath of a great war
The deserters of the Second Great War returned to their respective home towns. Each one of them arrived bloodied and battle-scarred. “Not true,” sighed Percy. “We hadn't deserted anything.”
The heroes... “OK, so not quite heroes,” interrupted Percy.
The not-quite-heroes were tired and drained but that didn't stop them from returning to their home towns to the rupture of applause from their cohabitants.
+
BROWNBEARD DEPARTED FOR Raggar to be with his family and he was in a foul mood when saying goodbye. He let us know, repeatedly, that he wanted to return home after a victorious battle to tell his fellow dwarves. The rest of us made for Ecklewood with trepidation, not knowing what was to come of us once we arrived back. We knew we'd have to avoid the orcs and I knew that I would have to face Monday morning and the price of beer once again.
We stood on the hill close to Ecklewood and looked down at the city guarded by orcs and managed by goblins and ruled by elves.
“How are we going to do this?” asked Wanda.
“We put one foot in front of the other and push, taking turns with each foot before we get to the gates,” answered Winston sarcastically.
“You know what I mean, Eric is meant to be in Hanging Gardens with him,” she said, pointing to the wise man whose name time had forgotten. “What is your name anyway?” she asked.
“Truffle,” replied the wise man.
Both Wanda and I tried not to laugh too much, “Truffle? What kind of name is that?”
“This is why I always tell people that I forgot my name long ago. My parents were drunk when they registered my name and wanted a truffle which was on the desk of the registrar when they did. The registrar wrote down Truffle as my name and thereafter it became an official name and, unfortunately, we cannot change it,” said Truffle, the wise man.
“Well,” said Wanda. “I'm pleased to meet you, Mr Truffle and you too, Eric.”
“It's been a pleasure adventuring with you all,” I said.
“I'm going to test my luck here,” said Winston. “I'm supposed to work for the elves in my cottage but with that now gone, they probably think I'm dead. They won't send me to Hanging Gardens because I haven't exactly broken any laws, they'll only send me to another cottage if I'm caught out anyway. Might as well chance my luck.”
As we made our way to the gates of Ecklewood, we noticed something rather peculiar; there were no orcs standing guard. This was worrying but, moreover, the gates were open allowing anyone in or out at their own will. We began to speed up and walk faster. We didn't know what had happened. It had taken us a few days to get back to Ecklewood so anything could have happened in that time.
We arrived at the gates to find hundreds of wizards gathered in the main square of Ecklewood.
“What's all this in aid of?” asked Winston.
“No idea,” I answered.
We walked into the city and found many happy, smiling faces with drinks in their hands and bunting everywhere in the red and yellow colours of Ecklewood.
“A street party? In Ecklewood? That's illegal,” I said to the group.
“A royal wedding?” Truffle suggested.
“No, we haven't had royals since King Timothy,” answered Wanda.
One way to find out what was going on. It was a cunning and inventive plan much like any other plans I'd had during my quest. The pub seemed like the best place to get information. Perhaps they were celebrating a reduction in the price of beer.
When we arrived at the pub, we found many happy boozers drinking their drinks. The first thing I took in was the price of the beer. It was half the price!
“Whoa! Our mission is complete!” I screamed and ordered everyone in the pub a round of their favourite tipple.
“Well, well, well,” this sounded familiar. “Celebrating are we?” a voice came across the bar which wiped the smile off my face instantly. A voice that I recognised immediately and a voice that I hadn't forgotten.
“Agatha Pietta,” I said without needing to look to where the voice had come from. “I haven't done anything.”
Agatha approached me from behind but I refused to turn. I sat and waited for our drinks to be served. She placed one hand on my right shoulder, “oh, but you did, Percy Sunsword. You instructed gnomes from the human realm to attack the elves...”
“Instructed?” I interrupted her before she went on. “They did it all by themselves.”
“Don't tell anyone else that,” Agatha said. “You're a celebrity here now.”
“A celebrity?” Wanda quizzed as she joined me at the bar and placed her hand on my left shoulder.
“You all are,” replied Agatha, removing her hand. “After what you did to the elves, Ecklewood is free again.”
Agatha rejoined her table with John Pietta whose face went a certain shade of pale when he set eyes upon us. We sat on the other side of the pub from the Piettas.
The pub was busy that evening as you would expect a pub to be when the beer was half the price. The punters were happy and a joyful occasion was had by all. All except the father of the Piettas – Senior Pietta who sat with his son and daughter with a horse-like long face. Throughout the whole night, he gazed at me and my friends with his dark eyes and a frown. He wanted to kill us and, given the chance, he would have killed us. What we had done to John in the alleyway must have really taken away any pride he'd had for his son before.
We didn't let this bring us down. We were happy Ecklewood was a free town again and the politics of the rest of Mayr could wait until the next day. We finished our drinks and headed to our respective homes to await the next day – Monday.
+
Mondays are terrible. I woke up with a monstrous monster of a hangover and decided to not let it keep me from work. With my head the way it was, I didn't want to face Englebert.
I braved the situation, hoping Englebert wouldn't notice me. He did notice me and the second he did, he walked towards me looking as happy as he'd ever looked before – he'd never looked happy before.
“Sunsword, my office,” Englebert said with a cheerful tone.
The exact words no man with a hangover ever wants to hear from his boss. Now I was in for it. I knew this moment would be the end of my work in the Bank of Wizardry.
I followed Englebert to his office at the back of the bank. A large office for such a small creature with a nice view of the streets of Ecklewood with internal glass walls to keep one eye on his staff in the bank. I took a seat on the type of plastic chair you'd usually see in the waiting room of a doctor's surgery while he sat down on an over-sized leather chair behind his desk. He said nothing, just grumbled and groaned a little while looking through the book which lay open on his desk and was much larger than even he.
“Percy Sunsword,” he said looking up at me with a dark, evil look. “You know why I've brought you here today, don't you?”
I didn't want to reply to this.
“Percy, listen up,” Englebert continued. “What you did against the elves was extremely stupid.”
“I'm sorry, boss, but the price of...” I said.
“NO BUTS,” yelled Englebert. “Let me speak.”
I remained silent.
“It was stupid of you to think you could challenge the elves. But...” he started.
“I thought you said no buts,” that was a stupid comment which the remnants of the beer from the night before made me say out loud.
“But I must condone you and your friends. You finally found a way to bring down the elves and I am forever in your debt,” said Englebert.
I was gobsmacked and didn't know what to say. Surely Englebert of all people, a man whose very nature was to do things by the book and do everything he could to help the elves and keep the wizards off the streets, couldn't be happy about a rebellion.
“But I thought you liked the elves?” I asked.
“No, Percy,” he replied. “Do you really think us goblins around Mayr wanted to become administrative assistants and do the dirty work of the elves? Nobody realistically wants to be a civil servant. This means I can finally take my long awaited retirement and join my family at home and be a good house-goblin like my wife.”
“So, you're telling me you supported us?” I asked.
“Of course,” replied Englebert. “I supported you financially by donating half of the bank's profits which should have gone to the elves. I supported you by telling each and every person how proud I was of my favourite member of staff leading the famous 'Wizards on a Rampage', and I supported you from home. Of all the wizards in and around Ecklewood, I respect you the most. I am so happy you brought down the elves.”
+
I returned home that evening and my house was just as I had left it – in a mess from the training with Brownbeard and Eric. I magicked the dust away as-you-do and just switched on the television to expect elven propaganda, which I often secretly enjoyed, but there was no propaganda. There was human television. I changed channels but it was all filled with human television.
“How can this be?” I asked myself.
In the excitement of the moment, a crowd cheered for their favourite novelty act on a talent show while I called Wanda.
“Have you seen the television?” I asked without bothering with a greeting.
“Yes, I'm watching it now,” answered Wanda. “What's happened?”
“I have no idea,” I replied.
I continued flicking through the channels and chatting with Wanda about the television and what could have possibly changed with the elves. Had the gnomes been successful in their attack?
After some discussion, Wanda found one channel which answered all our questions.
“Oh, my word,” exclaimed Wanda. “This cannot be real!”
I didn't reply, my eyes were focused on the television directly and what was appearing on it that evening. My jaw hit the floor.
“Loyal patriots,” the man called Billy said on a live television broadcast surrounded by normal-sized gnomes and wearing an enormous and heavy-looking golden hat. “The elves are no longer in power. We have taken back what is rightfully ours. There will be no need for any more uprisings or rebellions. Our land is our land once again and we shall all be happy. For those who wish, you may enter the human realm at your own peril. We will not hold anything against you but any crimes will be punishable by their own authorities.”
“He's an absolute legend!” I yelled at the top of my voice. “Billy has done it by himself!”
“It would appear so,” said Wanda hesitantly. “But what does this mean?”
“What?” I asked.
“I asked you,” Wanda replied.
Neither of us knew the answer to that question but we agreed to meet up in the street near Pete the Black's shop without thinking or theorising any longer.
The rain came down and Wanda was running late. I waited patiently for her and she eventually came.
“Sorry I'm late,” she said. “Got held up by women's troubles.”
“Tell me no more,” I replied in
an instant.
Pete the Black's shop was closed for business for the first time in what must have been a century. The elves had never allowed the shops to close so I assumed that Pete must be enjoying the new liberal Ecklewood.
“Shall we do this then?” I asked Wanda.
“Absolutely,” she replied with a smile before taking my hand affectionately.
We smiled at one another, cast a spell and before we knew it, the fabric opened a hole for us to simply walk through.
“Well, that was easy,” said Wanda looking back at the quickly closing hole as we walked into the field of the human realm.
We looked around taking in all we could, knowing that we couldn't get into trouble for being there this time.
“Let me guess,” said the squeaky voice of the fairy. “Youthful looks and human style.” The fairy looked tired and thinner.
“Yes, please,” I said politely. “Is everything all right?”
“Yeah,” she said before crying could be heard in the background from within the tree. “I've had my baby but John Pietta is refusing to help out. He just won't speak to me any more.”
“Ugh! Men!” exhaled Wanda. “They're all the bloody same.”
“Tell me about it,” replied the fairy. “Something normal, but not too feminine for you, right?”
“Yes, please. If you don't mind,” answered Wanda.
“I don't mind,” said the fairy. “It's what everyone wants now the elves have gone.”
“Everyone?” I asked.
“Every-bloody-one,” said the fairy. “I'm bloody knackered, I am. Ever tried looking after a half-wizard, half-fairy baby on your own when you're a fairy?”
“Can't say I have, no,” replied Wanda. “I blame men, though. My sympathies are with you. Has there been any reason he won't speak to you?”
“Nope. Nothing,” answered the fairy.
The fairy tended to her crying child while we waited patiently.
“I feel sorry for her,” I said to Wanda looking over to the fairy. “I'd never leave a woman alone with my baby.”
