by Lee Walsh
“Typical!” said Wanda. “You men think you can do everything on their own and us women can't cope! Well, let me tell you one thing mister...” she pointed her finger angrily at me.
“Whoa! Hold up! I didn't mean it like that. I just meant that I would always be there for the woman I loved. I'm not like John Pietta,” I said.
“I know, sorry,” Wanda sighed. “It's just that after years of oppression from men...”
I'd like to tell you everything she said but it would be impossible. I went into a trance for some time before the fairy returned.
“So, are you ready?” said the pale-looking and exhausted fairy.
“Yeah,” I replied. Wanda nodded and, within a few seconds, we looked human. Really, like humans. No beard for me, no long grey hair. Back to my youthful looks. Wanda didn't change so much. Just brown, shoulder-length hair with her glasses still intact. We didn't only look human, we looked like normal humans.
As we walked away from the fairy, something dawned on me. “I think I know the reason John Pietta won't speak to the fairy,” I said.
“He's a man?” Wanda said.
“No,” I replied. “It's because he can't speak. When Eric and I caught him in an alleyway, we magicked away his tongue, his voice box, and everything else needed to speak. He won't speak to her because he can't speak to her.”
“Men!” exclaimed Wanda.
15
to the other side
The witch and wizard ventured into uncharted waters with a mission; they knew what they had to do there and were determined to realise their ambition. To settle down and bring magic into the realm of humans.
“See, it's not so difficult being nice, is it?” said Percy. “You never know, you might even be normal one day.”
+
THE WIZARDS ON a Rampage were no more. Billy was seemingly the king of Mayr, Eric was back in Ecklewood with Old Winston and with the prices of beer reduced by such an amount, it was evident they would drink themselves to death.
Brownbeard had returned to Raggar to spend time with his family and I was in no doubt he would have been celebrating the taking down of the elves. Whether he'd be celebrating the crowning of King Billy 'The Silly' Tart, had yet to be seen.
Wanda and I enjoyed each other's company in the presence of humans – we looked like normal humans which even the humans seemed to struggle with to a certain extent.
We were of a magical disposition, we did break one human law they had – making your own money. We didn't want to have to work like the rest of them to get the money they so badly needed so just magicked up as and when we needed to. It worked and we paid for a house for ourselves.
Wondering what was happening back in Mayr, we often spoke of the events that had unfolded and were to unfold in the future. How would Billy cope with being the king? What happened to the elves? Would the price of beer ever become even cheaper?
+
Our house was a peaceful house. Wanda wanted a cat so we got her an atypical black cat – well, she was a witch. The house was similar to my old house in Ecklewood. A simple but elegant two-up, two-down terraced house with a small back yard and smaller front garden, not too far from the town centre. Wanda took the larger front bedroom and I took the rear bedroom.
Our attempts to live as humans worked and the neighbours didn't suspect a thing – at least we didn't think so. The ever-changing colour of Wanda's hair, we thought, would raise a few eyebrows but some of the humans seemed to do the same so it mattered not. We got on with our lives and explored the realm as much as we possibly could.
Quickly, we settled in and our first disagreement came on a Thursday evening as Wanda cooked our food for the evening.
“Why do I always have to cook anyway?” she asked from the kitchen as I flicked through the channels.
“Because we shouldn't use magic unless absolutely necessary,” I answered.
“That's not what I meant,” said Wanda. “Just because I'm a woman, I should do the cooking?”
“No, honey,” I blurted out. “You...”
“Honey?” Wanda paused. “Did you just call me honey?”
“No...” I hesitated and my heart skipped a beat as it does when you say something you know isn't true.
“You did. You called me honey! How dare you!” growled Wanda as she turned and pointed her wooden rolling pin in my general direction. At that moment, I didn't know whether to cry or to run. Wanda with a wand is serious enough but Wanda with a weapon like a rolling pin was deadly.
“I'm sorry,” I tried to explain myself. “It's just these human shows, they're having an effect on me.”
“I know, Percy,” she replied with a saddened face. “How about we go out tomorrow. I know you've been dying to go to see your uncle.”
My uncle was one of the refugees from the First Great War. A man of intrigue and one with all the knowledge of the human realm we would ever need. He'd managed to concoct a potion which gave him immortality before the war and then escaped because he knew what was coming.
“That's not a bad idea,” I agreed. “Shall we go now?”
“Now?” Wanda replied. It's nearly eight o'clock and a four-hour drive away.
“Wanda,” I replied. “We are magical. It really doesn't matter what time it is.”
We set off on our journey shortly after our food which Wanda had kindly cooked for us both. The journey took a few hours but we eventually arrived at a small town in the south of England.
“Here it is,” Wanda said lowering the map.
“Are you sure?” I asked looking around. “This doesn't feel like it has a king with knights and a wizard.
“I'm sure,” replied Wanda. “Look over there.” Wanda pointed to a sign in the distance which had a picture of my uncle on it. 'Admission: £30' the sign said.
As we parked the car in an empty car park, a man approached us with a wand of his own which lit up the area it pointed at. I wound down the window and spoke to the man.
“Hello, sir,” I greeted.
The man lifted his wand to make sure he had a good light to get a clear view of our faces. He grumbled and groaned a little before offering us some kind of deal, “if you have some pictures of your fine lady, I will ignore anything that you wish to do.”
“I have a nice one in the back,” I winked. “I think you'll like it.” I twitched my head to show him the back seat of the car which had a portrait of Wanda wrapped in a golden frame. A fine artist had painted it only moments before and it was destined to be a classic painting.
“That's not what I meant,” replied the man. “I know what you're doing here but it's illegal and you'll have to find another car park.”
“We're looking for...” I said before Wanda interrupted me.
“We'll move on, sir,” Wanda said and instructed me to move the car out of the car park.
As we got out, we drove around a little and I asked Wanda, “why did you agree to move?”
“I've been here before and know what the humans get up to in car parks at night. Trust me, you don't want that,” said Wanda.
I didn't want to ask too many questions, I was too eager to see my uncle once again. We drove around the town a little more in the hope of finding clues as to where my uncle might have been. Up and down the same roads, following the one-way system perfectly and not breaking any rules. We had to change the one-way system to the other direction occasionally to make sure the rules were upheld which may or may not have been the cause of an accident involving two other cars on their ways to the car park.
The rain for the day had stopped and during the middle of the night, we decided it would be best to just go home. There was no chance of finding my uncle at this time of night. He'd spent so long in the human realm that he had probably forgotten the spells to distract one from sleeping.
A long and narrow road with little in the way of light was our route home. A sign instructing us to drive carefully and with a 'thanks for visiting the town' as we exited.
&
nbsp; A man stood in the middle of the road. With any human brakes, the man would have been killed but thankfully we had magic to help us stop. The tyres screeched and the car swerved before it came to a complete standstill in the middle of the road a mere few inches from the man in the road.
I leaned out of the car window and started yelling some human-like profanities at the man who had a death wish.
The man replied, “Percy, that's no way to treat these people.”
The second the man spoke, I recognised his voice. It was the voice I wanted to hear.
“Uncle!” I yelled as I jumped out of the car to run over and give him a hug. “What are you doing?”
“I've managed to conjure up a spell to know exactly what everyone is doing, at exactly that moment, and exactly what they think at that precise moment,” my uncle replied.
“Wow! That's amazing!” I stated. “So, you even knew we were here?”
“Not really. It would be wonderful but it doesn't half give you a headache,” said my uncle. “Listening to the entire world at once with no way to reverse the spell brings about a sudden headache like no other headache. I listen to so many people that I cannot hear the people closest to me. I didn't know you were coming.”
“Why are you here then? In the middle of the road of all places,” I said.
“Nighttime is the only peace I get. But there are always people awake in this realm as they have different time zones. My headache never ceases. After so many centuries of wandering about and listening, I decided tonight was the night to end the spell once and for all,” he said.
“You've found something to help you?” I sympathised for my uncle. I had never seen him in such a state.
“Yes,” he answered. “If I get hit by a car in a serious way, my thinking stops. I've been trying it for months but everyone always stops – the selfish bastards.”
“I see,” I replied not knowing what else to say. “Do you want to come with us?”
“Fine,” he said. “Who's the chick?” he looked at Wanda who remained seated in the front passenger seat still shaken from the almost-incident.
“A friend,” I answered.
“A friend?” he replied with a wry grin. “Are you sure that's all she is?”
“Yes,” I replied in a saddened tone.
“Very well,” my uncle replied. “We'll have to do something about that in due course.”
I escorted the old man around to the back seat of the car and the three of us set off, homeward bound.
“I'm pleased to finally meet you, sir,” said Wanda. “I've heard so much about you and I cannot wait to hear the stories first hand.”
“What stories?” I asked.
Wanda looked at me with a surprised look on her face, “you don't know about your own uncle? I told you that you should read more.”
I looked at my uncle who was smiling at the lack of knowledge I'd gathered from the lack of reading, “what are you grinning at?”
“Nothing, Percy,” he replied.
+
The journey home was a long one spent mostly in complete silence. I was disappointed in not knowing about my uncle and Wanda was disappointed in me for not reading more. I didn't want to read the books of the human realm which weren't good enough for the humans. Why are they so important?
We finally arrived home at shortly past six o'clock in the morning just as the sun was beginning to come up. Wanda opened the door while I locked the car and helped my uncle out. We sat down in the living room and discussed the stories which Wanda was so excited to hear about.
“...and the king was crowned following the removal of the sword,” my uncle said.
“Wow. That's a fantastic story,” claimed Wanda.
“I have stories of my own too, you know?” I said.
“Later, Percy,” Wanda replied. “And Merlin, what about equality for women back then? Were they treated as equals?”
I left the two to it. I didn't want to hear about his stories or adventures from centuries ago. We were in the present time and history is often best left there. I didn't know why people wanted to dwell so much on past legends and fairy tales for children.
“I'm going for a walk,” I said to the pair. Not one of them listened and Uncle Merlin continued telling his stories. I sighed and walked out.
The time had come for the humans to make their ways to their jobs where they became enslaved by powers much worse than elves and paid their taxes to other humans who then, in return, gave them a pension when they reached a ripe old age of not being able to do anything while no longer in work. Irony worked at its best in the human realm.
One thing I did notice, however, was that despite it being well into the winter months in the human realm, nature played a joke on them and brought a higher temperature than what was normal.
Nature in the human realm is an anarchist and a practical joker. She doesn't follow the rules that Mayr has nor does she care. She teases the humans with sun and warmth before launching an apocalyptic downpour upon their unsuspecting heads. Joyful perfection, in my mind – beautiful chaos with occasional rain.
I watched as the humans used their umbrellas to protect them from the morning downpour and rushed to their busy lives in work. There was no sense in their daily lives. They only live for a short period of time and what they do in that time is ridiculous.
I pondered to myself while sitting on a bench in the midst of their rush. How would the human realm look with magic involved? I imagined it would have looked much like Mayr but maybe they would have had the common sense as to not allow the overbearing rule of elves and goblins. I looked around and could see that many goblins at some point must have escaped into the human realm too but taken human form and lost their intellect in the process.
I continued my exploration of the town we lived in during that day and, eventually, made my way back home with tired legs. Upon my arrival, Uncle Merlin sat comforting Wanda with his arm around her.
“There, there, my dear,” he said. “It was a quick and painless experience, I'm sure.”
Wanda's tears rolled down her cheek while her cries sounded like that of something terrible. She was in hysterics about something and my first thought was that someone had died.
“What's happened?” I asked.
Merlin looked at me and covered Wanda's ear with his hand, “she didn't know what happened to her aunt.”
“What happened to her aunt?” I asked.
“She was transformed into a monster,” said Merlin.
“Nonsense,” I replied. “That just doesn't happen – not here anyway.”
“It does when you annoy a fairy too much. Those little worm-eating rodents are capable of anything,” replied Merlin.
I walked over to Wanda myself and gave a signal to Merlin to make a cup of tea for everyone.
“Are you all right, honey?” I asked.
Wanda stopped crying for a solitary moment of silence. She lifted her head towards mine and said nothing. Her eyes were watery and red, and her expression was blank, “you called me 'honey' again.”
“Err... erm...” there was no correct answer at that moment.
Wanda wrapped her arms around me, “you remind me of a human I got to know when I was here last time.”
“Oh?” I said. “Surely you've known me for longer so the human reminded you of me.”
“No,” she replied and lowered her head. “I fell in love with a human woman. She called me honey.”
My heart sank and my blood ran cold, “you fell in love with a woman?”
“Yes,” she replied. “A really nice woman who cared for me and looked after me while I was here.”
“I didn't know you liked women,” I replied.
“Of course, it's impossible to fall in love with a man with the oppression they give to women. Women are strong and powerful and behind every strong man is a stronger woman,” Wanda said.
“We're not all the same, you know?” I said.
“I know that, Percy,”
said Wanda. “But those are few and far between.”
“What happened to this human woman after that?” I asked.
“Things just happened, you know? It just wasn't meant to be,” she said. “I guess I'm always trying to compare to another flame I had back in Mayr once with another witch.”
I thought nothing more of it. It was something from the past and we all had our pasts to contend with. It wasn't Wanda's fault that she had fallen for a human. I suppose, sometimes, even the humans are also capable of love.
I decided it would be best to change the subject, “what happened to your aunt anyway?”
Wanda broke down once again into tears. She placed her head on my lap and I stroked her hair – it looked like the best thing to do at that moment in time.
Once again she was hysterical and shed tears of sadness making a wet patch on my lap.
“Don't bring it up again,” said Merlin. “It's bad enough.”
“What happened, exactly? Can't we do anything about it?” I asked.
“It's too late now. She will have forgotten who and what she is,” claimed Merlin.
“Where is she?” I asked.
“In a loch to the north. They call the place Loch Ness – named after Wanda's great Aunt Nessy,” Merlin said.
“Let's go,” I said as I stood up. “We have to at least try.”
+
We arrived in the place known as Scotland a few hours later than planned. Some silly humans had been driving too quickly and hit another car, and a lorry, and another car, and the central reservation. It had caused quite the commotion on the motorway.
We arrived at the loch and looked out over its stretching waters which ran as far as the eyes could see.
“Do you think it'll work?” asked Wanda.
“Nope,” affirmed Merlin. “It's never worked for me.”
“It's worth a shot,” I replied with the hope that it wouldn't go to waste.
I pulled out a bottle of a red substance which Old Winston had given me. He told me that I would know the right moment to use it and this felt like the right moment.
I unscrewed the lid until it came off and sniffed the sour-smelling liquid. Wanda and Merlin both had a smell of the potion and scrunched their faces up at it.
