Wizards on a Rampage: A Tale of Two Realms (Mayr Stories Book 1)

by Lee Walsh

  A circular pathway wrapped around the market square and the smell of freshly cooked food was rife. It was beginning to make me feel remarkably hungry. Our entire army, minus Alf the Elf who looked at home, was amazed by the sheer elegance and swish style they had in Ark-Gaiu. I was beginning to take a liking to the city that I once hated.

  Our army brought many strange looks from the inhabitants of Ark-Gaiu. A wizard, a dwarf, an elf, and a woodperson walking through any city centre are guaranteed to bring some odd looks. In Ark-Gaiu, there were just gnomes. Lots of them. I'd heard about gnomes being able to reproduce extremely quickly but I had no idea they could repopulate a town so quickly. They seemed a friendly bunch, however, offering us fruit and vegetables from their market along with their form of welcoming newcomers to their city – a sound of boos. It might have been a little more considerate of them to actually bring the fruit and vegetables to us and hand us them like any normal people but who's to argue with the gnoman way? I wasn't one to care for cultural differences.

  A street lay ahead of us and it led to the castle which overlooked the entire city. Two enormous circular towers with an overbearing stance, were visible all over Ark-Gaiu even to those who weren't looking for them.

  “That's it,” Alf said.

  “Really?” I replied. “I'd never have guessed.”

  +

  We approached the door to the castle with maximum caution. Gnomes, clad with the finest armour, lined the pathway to the door and despite their miniature proportions, I wouldn't have fancied our chances against these little beings.

  A gnome with the suit of an office worker came out of the door upon our arrival. The gnome in a suit must have been important – he had an earpiece with a wire dangling down.

  “Names?” the gnome asked holding his PDA device out with a stylus at the ready.

  “Billy knows me,” I replied.

  “Names?” repeated the gnome in a suit and earpiece.

  “Percy Sunsword,” I informed the gnome. “And these are my friends.”

  The gnome sighed a little and came closer, “look, the boss is a very busy man and doesn't pay me enough. Not with all the shortages and cutbacks we've had lately. Give me a few gold pieces and I'll let you in.”

  “Bribery? In Ark-Gaiu?” Alf came forward as I stepped back a little. “How very dare you.”

  The gnome in a suit raised an eyebrow and tilted his head to look round to the gathered army that surrounded us.

  “Well, since you put it so nicely. Percy, give him a few gold pieces,” said Alf with a smile.

  “I don't have any,” I replied.

  “Me neither,” said Brownbeard.

  Woody came to the front, “I've got one.” He handed the gold piece to the gnome in a suit who bit the coin to check for authenticity – it was real. The walking-talking tree had saved the day.

  We all walked into the castle reception area where we were greeted by a talking robot.

  “W-w-welcome to Ark-G-g-gaiu,” said the robot with a television for a face. “H-h-how may I b-b-be of servic-c-ce to you?”

  “I want to speak to Billy,” I told the robot.

  “I'm s-s-sorry. Your request is n-n-not recognised. Please rep-p-peat,” the robot's television face turned itself on. “P-p-please select from the options.”

  The screen displayed four options:

  The gnoman reproduction system for those who know.

  The gnoman reproduction system for otherwise unable to meet the right gnome.

  The gnoman army recruitment test – only to be taken following gnoman reproduction.

  Meet King Billy.

  As tempting as the other options were, I pressed the Billy option – Brownbeard didn't look too happy at that.

  “Very well,” said the robot. “P-p-prepare to meet our glorious k-k-king.”

  The robot wheeled its way to a diamond-ridden golden door and stopped just outside. It pressed the electronic intercom button next to the door and then I heard Billy's hesitant voice through a bad signal.

  “Yes?” Billy said through the system.

  “Sire, you have v-v-visitors,” replied the robot.

  “Visitors? Really? Yay!” Billy yelled as there was a bang over the intercom. He was rather excited to hear this. “Come in, come in!” he shouted before the door slid open as smoothly as those I saw on human television in science fiction films – it even had the satisfying 'swoosh' sound those doors make.

  We all walked in to find Billy rubbing his head and holding a heavy-looking crown.

  “How dare you treat that crown with a lack of care,” said Alf. “Give it to me.”

  “All right,” replied Billy. “Keep your hair on.”

  The elf sneezed and took a tissue from Billy's desk. Gadgets and gaming machines lined the walls of the room and a pool table stood proudly in the centre of the room. Billy's polished mahogany desk had paperwork building up on it and more gadgets for Billy to keep himself occupied during the less busy times of running a realm.

  “Percy!” Billy yelled when he finally saw me. “Good to see you, buddy. How've you been?”

  “Billy, I'm good,” I replied. “But what's going on in Mayr? The place is in ruins.”

  Billy sighed.

  “You've ruined everything,” said Alf.

  “The trees, the forests, the fields – everything,” said Woody.

  Billy's face turned to look at each one as they told him of their woes. He looked down at the floor with a face as long as the road we'd taken to get here.

  “How did you become king, anyway?” I asked.

  “The gnomes made me their king, isn't that nice of them?” Billy said. “I've been here ages now and it's great.”

  “Billy, have you seen what's happened outside the city?” my stern voice brought him back to his saddened state.

  “The beer is cheaper though, isn't it?” Billy looked confused. I don't believe he knew what was going on at all. Only what was in his room.

  “Have you even left this room?” asked Alf whose face scanned the environment that was once his ruler's official place of work. “Look at this mess.”

  Billy's face dropped again like a boy whose parents weren't angry but were disappointed and were giving him a telling off as a suitable punishment.

  “I didn't ask for these things. The gnomes brought them to me. I thought they were being nice to me – I am their king,” Billy replied.

  “Billy, you haven't left the room, have you?” I asked. “Mayr has become an industrial zone. Not too different from the human realm. Do you remember that?”

  “Yes,” Billy answered. “I can't help it. We wanted to reduce the price of the beer so I did. I came into this city as you told me to. The elves went away after inviting me into their city, then they all left before the gnomes came in and made me king. They've looked after me and helped me with the paperwork. It's hard work you know, looking after a realm and all that.”

  “I'm sure it is, Billy,” I replied. “But Mayr is being destroyed.”

  “I know,” Billy hung his head in shame. “But the tax from the beer paid for a lot of stuff. Now, we're struggling and I have to make money from other places.”

  I shook my head at Billy – the king who'd ruined everything. The gnomes had put him in charge and it was a very bad decision. He had failed to reduce the price of beer in an efficient and sustainable manner. Playing the part of a ruler and trying to please the masses seemed almost as impossible as it appeared to be for the rulers of the human realm. Tax, it seemed, was a necessary evil – even on beer. Maybe, given the amount of beer drank in Ecklewood by wizards and witches alike, especially on beer.

  “Look, we've travelled far and long. Let us get some rest and we'll talk more in the morning,” I reasoned.

  “Fine,” said Billy. “I'll call for some gnomes to show you to your rooms.”

  Four gnomes walked in and guided each one of our party to our rooms at the end of a long, narrow corridor with television screens hung
on the walls advertising the latest weaponry – distracting Brownbeard quite a lot.

  My room was much smaller than Billy's but had all the latest gadgets I'd never needed. There was no window to look out and see the city of Ark-Gaiu and there were no switches to turn off the lights of the gaming machines.

  I got into the bed and attempted to blind my eyes from the light using the covers over my head. It took me some time but eventually, I remembered that I was still capable of magic within this realm and cut the power in the room. The machines of lights and colour quickly went off on receipt of my spell. Ignorance to the world around you makes for a better night's sleep – I turned over and went to sleep in a soft, comfortable bed suitable for a king, a wizard, or even a human. This bed was so comfortable it could put to rest the most savage beast.

  +

  At least, I thought a good night's sleep was going to happen but the maintenance gnome had better ideas.

  Bang, bang, bang. The noise woke me up in an instant.

  “Do you mind?” I asked. “I'm trying to sleep here.”

  “Duty calls. We promised to be on-call at all times regardless of the situation we found ourselves in,” the maintenance gnome stated. “Got to do my job.”

  “It's the middle of the night,” I squealed.

  “Might be,” the gnome said. “Time's lost on me now. All of my days have rolled into one.”

  I felt a little sorry for the gnome but wanted to put him in an envelope and sell him on an internet auction website the humans were so fond of. Maybe he'd return to his ceramic state too. Now that would be a bonus.

  Allowing the gnome to do his job, I decided to go for a wander around the castle. It was my first time in the walls of this great city and believed it would have been nice to be able to explore the castle a little bit more.

  I walked down the corridor which led to my room and found many more gnomes just working tirelessly. Each one had his job to do and each one was doing his job as efficiently as he could. Hammering here, drilling there, working everywhere.

  I arrived at the reception area to the castle and the robot was serving drinks to three, important-looking gnomes who talked amongst themselves. I had always wondered what gnomes spoke about in their spare time, even more so they could now speak, so I listened in on their conversation.

  “If we continue at this rate, we'll have the gnoman empire up and running again,” the fat gnome wearing green dungarees said.

  “Indeed,” replied the one in blue. “And we can finally get the other races to fit in with our requirements. Pesky things they are.”

  The lady gnome with long, yellow hair and matching dress replied, “oh, I can't wait to see their faces.”

  “What about the king?” the blue one laughed and the others joined. “It makes me laugh, really. He does all the paperwork, killing off the entire realm, gets blamed for it, and we get our realm back. The holy gnoman empire back and once again a place we can call home.”

  “We can't keep him prisoner forever though,” said the green gnome. “We'll have him in a different role come the return of the empire.”

  “What do you have in mind?” asked the lady gnome.

  “I was thinking something, you know, a little humiliating but giving him a sense of enormous well-being,” said green. “President of Ecklewood.”

  All three gnomes laughed together. A gnoman laugh was indeed an evil laugh. Their words scared me and their laughs sickened me. They knew exactly what was going on. Unfortunately, my temper gets the better of me when I've not slept very much.

  “How dare you!” I walked around the corner where I'd been hiding and let my presence be known. “Billy is my friend and look what you've done to Mayr, you despicable little ceramic nincompoops!”

  “Feeling a bit grouchy, are we?” the lady gnome said to the laugh of the other two.

  “Grouchy? You've just said you want to take control of the whole of Mayr and laughed at my home town. Of course, I'm a bit grouchy,” I said.

  The gnomes quickly stopped laughing and looked at each other. I thought my words had worked and they had changed their minds. I'd had an effect in the past with my speeches so I'd hoped this one would have been the same but that's not quite what happened.

  “Oh, wizard,” said the green gnome. “I pity you.”

  The blue gnome perked up, “this was once our realm and we will restore the holy gnoman empire to its former glory once again. Wizards, like all other dirty species, are to be destroyed entirely.”

  “The holy gnoman empire is a joke and it'll never happen again. How can you call yourselves 'holy' when you talk of death and destruction?” I quizzed.

  “Holy gnoman empire?” the three gnomes laughed as yellow asked what I had meant.

  “Holy, oh that's a great one,” chuckled blue. “That's why they all thought we were the good guys!” Blue's laugh became louder.

  “It's not 'holy',” claimed green. “It's wholly gnoman empire. W-H-O-L-L-Y. As in, no other species allowed. That's exactly what will happen.”

  Of all the education in our realm, of all the things I had learnt about all the great things the gnomans did for everyone – including wizards. It was all lies. They weren't holy at all. They were dirty little rascals and it all came down to someone making a spelling mistake in the history books.

  The green gnome spoke to me again, this time in a more threatening tone, “now go back to bed wizard. Tomorrow, we'd like to invite you for breakfast. A breakfast of remarkable proportions. You and your friends are going to be breakfast.”

  “Breakfast?” I asked as my blood froze. “I can't imagine we'd taste too good.”

  “Wizards, witches, centaurs, badgers, dwarves, everything goes into our bellies. We're a particularly hungry species – more so since coming back from the human realm,” the gnome told me.

  “How's that sustainable?” I asked.

  “It doesn't matter. We can reproduce quicker than starving to death so our species will never die out,” the blue gnome said.

  “It must get a bit boring though once you've devoured everything,” I returned.

  “Not really,” replied green. “We just reproduce, fight, and drink if that happens.”

  His smile displayed his yellow and black teeth. One missing tooth in the centre replaced with a golden tooth which held together a strand of saliva that glistened in the light.

  “Go to bed, wizard,” the blue gnome said. “Your final night should be a long and relaxed one.”

  Needless to say, I did as I was told. I might have been much bigger than the gnomes but their reproduction capabilities – being able to multiply in but a few seconds could have had me fighting thousands within a few minutes and I wouldn't have fancied my chances against that many.

  I couldn't sleep. Tossing and turning all night. Trying to formulate a plan beyond all other cunning plans. I know I've said this before, but I wanted to come up with something.

  +

  19

  TIME TO SAY GOODBYE

  “Be careful what you wish for,” advised Percy, looking deep into the eyes of the writer. “If you wish for change, change may indeed come your way. Not all change is good, and this certainly wasn't a good change.”

  +

  MORNING CAME WITH a headache. I always get headaches when I have to get by on little sleep. It wasn't the gadgets in the room that had kept me awake all night, it was the fact that only hours before, a tiny gnome and his tiny friends informed me they were readying themselves to eat us all during what must have been a feast for creatures of their size.

  The history books glorified gnomes but were obviously written by an idiot whose spelling wasn't the best. It also omitted the bit where gnomes ate people but did, to my advantage, leave in the fact that gnomes like to sleep late in the mornings.

  I got up early and made my way immediately to Billy's room with the hope nothing had happened to him during the night. I knew the gnoman plans but Billy didn't. He wouldn't have understood them even i
f he did, so I had to improvise.

  “Billy,” I shouted upon entering his room. “Wake up.”

  Billy stirred and grumbled, “half an hour more please, mum.”

  “Billy, it's Percy. You need to wake up and NOW!” I shoved my elbows into his ribs – a tried and trusted way to wake people up but doesn't give the waking person the best of moods.

  “What's going on?” Billy asked rubbing his eyes and revealing his 'kings are awesome' pyjamas which immediately made me forget to improvise.

  “Billy, we have to leave here,” I informed him. “The gnomes want to eat us.”

  Billy laughed, “I'm sure we'd taste great, too.”

  “I'm serious Billy,” I kept my face as straight as I could – trying not to pay attention to his pyjamas. “I overheard a conversation last night and got speaking to a gnome. They're planning to eat us for breakfast this morning.”

  I could see the cogs ticking around in Billy's brain, “you're jealous of my royal status, aren't you?”

  “No, Billy,” I replied. “The gnomes really want to eat us and they are going to restore their former empire.”

  “Great, the beer will be even cheaper,” said Billy whose face lit up again. “That's the mission complete, isn't it?”

  “Not quite, Billy,” I said. “I'm leaving. Are you coming?”

  “No,” said Billy. “I'm staying here. I don't believe you and think you're just saying this because you're jealous. I'm bigger and better than you now but out there, I'll never be better than anyone else because you all think I'm stupid. Here, I am not stupid and I am respected.”

  “Fine,” I replied as I walked towards the door of his room to make my way out. “I'm leaving you here.”