Good Omens

by Terry David John Pratchett

Besides, he liked Anathema. Of course, she was very old, but when Adam liked someone he wanted to make them happy.

  He wondered how he could make Anathema happy.

  It used to be thought that the events that changed the world were things like big bombs, maniac politicians, huge earthquakes, or vast popu­lation movements, but it has now been realized that this is a very old­-fashioned view held by people totally out of touch with modern thought. The things that really change the world, according to Chaos theory, are the tiny things. A butterfly flaps its wings in the Amazonian jungle, and subsequently a storm ravages half of Europe.

  Somewhere in Adam's sleeping head, a butterfly had emerged.

  It might, or might not, have helped Anathema get a clear view of things if she'd been allowed to spot the very obvious reason why she couldn't see Adam's aura.

  It was for the same reason that people in Trafalgar Square can't see England.

  – – -

  Alarms went off.

  Of course, there's nothing special about alarms going off in the control room of a nuclear power station. They do it all the time. It's because there are many dials and meters and things that something impor­tant might not get noticed if it doesn't at least beep.

  And the job of Shift Charge Engineer calls for a solid, capable, unflappable kind of man, the kind you can depend upon not to make a beeline for the car‑park in an emergency. The kind of man, in fact, who gives the impression of smoking a pipe even when he's not.

  It was 3:00 A.M. in the control room of Turning Point power station, normally a nice quiet time when there is nothing much to do but fill in the log and listen to the distant roar of the turbines.

  Until now.

  Horace Gander looked at the flashing red lights. Then he looked at some dials. Then he looked at the faces of his fellow workers. Then he raised his eyes to the big dial at the far end of the room. Four hundred and twenty practically dependable and very nearly cheap megawatts were leav­ing the station. According to the other dials, nothing was producing them.

  He didn't say "That's weird." He wouldn't have said "That's weird" if a flock of sheep had cycled past playing violins. It wasn't the sort of thing a responsible engineer said.

  What he did say was: "Alf, you'd better ring the station manager."

  Three very crowded hours went past. They involved quite a lot of phone calls, telexes, and faxes. Twenty‑seven people were got out of bed in quick succession and they got another fifty‑three out of bed, because if there is one thing a man wants to know when he's woken up in a panic at 4:00 A.M., it's that he's not alone.

  Anyway, you need all sorts of permissions before they let you un­screw the lid of a nuclear reactor and look inside.

  They got them. They unscrewed it. They had a look inside.

  Horace Gander said, "There's got to be a sensible reason for this. Five hundred tons of uranium don't just get up and walk away."

  A meter in his hand should have been screaming. Instead, it let out the occasional halfhearted tick.

  Where the reactor should have been was an empty space. You could have had quite a nice game of squash in it.

  Right at the bottom, all alone in the center of the bright cold floor, was a lemon drop.

  Outside in the cavernous turbine hall the machines roared on.

  And, a hundred miles away, Adam Young turned over in his sleep.

  Friday

  Raven Sable, slim and bearded and dressed all in black, sat in the back of his slimline black limousine, talking on his slim­line black telephone to his West Coast base.

  "How's it going?" he asked.

  "Looking good, chief," said his marketing head. "I'm doing break­fast with the buyers from all the leading supermarket chains tomorrow. No problem. We'll have MEALS in all the stores this time next month."

  "Good work, Nick."

  "No problem. No problem. It's knowing you're behind us, Rave. You give great leadership, guy. Works for me every time."

  "Thank you," said Sable, and he broke the connection.

  He was particularly proud of MEALS®.

  The Newtrition corporation had started small, eleven years ago. A small team of food scientists, a huge team of marketing and public rela­tions personnel, and a neat logo.

  Two years of Newtrition investment and research had produced CHOW. CHOW® contained spun, plaited, and woven protein mole­cules, capped and coded, carefully designed to be ignored by even the most ravenous digestive tract enzymes; no‑cal sweeteners; mineral oils replacing vegetable oils; fibrous materials, colorings, and flavorings. The end result was a foodstuff almost indistinguishable from any other except for two things. Firstly, the price, which was slightly higher, and secondly the nu­tritional content, which was roughly equivalent to that of a Sony Walkman. It didn't matter how much you ate, you lost weight.[24]

  Fat people had bought it. Thin people who didn't want to get fat had bought it. CHOW® was the ultimate diet food‑carefully spun, woven, textured, and pounded to imitate anything, from potatoes to veni­son, although the chicken sold best.

  Sable sat back and watched the money roll in. He watched CHOW® gradually fill the ecological niche that used to be filled by the old, untrademarked food.

  He followed CHOW® with SNACKS® junk food made from real junk.

  MEALS® was Sable's latest brainwave.

  MEALS® was CHOW®) with added sugar and fat. The theory was that if you ate enough MEALS® you would a) get very fat, and b) die of malnutrition.

  The paradox delighted Sable.

  MEALS® were currently being tested all over America. Pizza MEALS, Fish MEALS, Szechuan MEALS, macrobiotic rice MEALS. Even Hamburger MEALS.

  Sable's limousine was parked in the lot of a Des Moines, Iowa, Burger Lord‑a fast food franchise wholly owned by his organization. It was here they'd been piloting Hamburger MEALS for the last six months. He wanted to see what kind of results they'd been getting.

  He leaned forward, tapped the chauffeur's glass partition. The chauffeur pressed a switch, and the glass slid open.

  "Sir?"

  "I'm going to take a look at our operation, Marlon. I'll be ten minutes. Then back to L.A."

  Sir.

  Sable sauntered in to the Burger Lord. It was exactly like every other Burger Lord in America.[25] McLordy the Clown danced in the Kiddie Korner. The serving staff had identical gleaming smiles that never reached their eyes. And behind the counter a chubby, middle‑aged man in a Burger Lord uniform slapped burgers onto the griddle, whistling softly, happy in his work.

  Sable went up to the counter.

  "Hello‑my‑name‑is‑Marie," said the girl behind the counter. "How‑can‑I‑help‑you?"

  "A double blaster thunder biggun, extra fries, hold the mustard," he said.

  "Anything‑to‑drink?"

  "A special thick whippy chocobanana shake."

  She pressed the little pictogram squares on her till. (Literacy was no longer a requirement for employment in these restaurants. Smiling was.) Then she turned to the chubby man behind the counter.

  "DBTB, E F, hold mustard," she said. "Choc‑shake."

  "Uhnnhuhn," crooned the cook. He sorted the food into little pa­per containers, pausing only to brush the graying cowlick from his eyes.

  "Here y'are," he said.

  She took them without looking at him, and he returned cheerfully to his griddle, singing quietly, "Loooove me tender, looooove me long, neeever let me go . . ."

  The man's humming, Sable noted, clashed with the Burger Lord background music, a tinny tape loop of the Burger Lord commercial jin­gle, and he made a mental note to have him fired.

  Hello‑my‑name‑is‑Marie gave Sable his MEALS and told him to have a nice day.

  He found a small plastic table, sat down in the plastic seat, and examined his food.

  Artificial bread roll. Artificial burger. Fries that had never even seen potatoes. Foodless sauces. Even (and Sable was especially pleased with this) an artificial slice of di
ll pickle. He didn't bother to examine his milkshake. It had no actual food content, but then again, neither did those sold by any of his rivals.

  All around him people were eating their unfood with, if not actual evidence of enjoyment, then with no more actual disgust than was to be found in burger chains all over the planet.

  He stood up, took his tray over to the PLEASE DISPOSE OF YOUR REFUSE WITH CARE receptacle, and dumped the whole thing. If you had told him that there were children starving in Africa he would have been flattered that you'd noticed.

  There was a tug at his sleeve. "Party name of Sable?" asked a small, bespectacled man in an International Express cap, holding a brown paper parcel.

  Sable nodded.

  "Thought it was you. Looked around, thought, tall gent with a beard, nice suit, can't be that many of them here. Package for you, sir."

  Sable signed for it, his real name‑one word, six letters. Sounds like examine.

  "Thank you kindly, sir," said the delivery man. He paused. "Here," he said. "That bloke behind the counter. Does he remind you of anyone?"

  "No," said Sable. He gave the man a tip‑five dollars‑and opened the package.

  In it was a small pair of brass scales.

  Sable smiled. It was a slim smile, and was gone almost instantly.

  "About time," he said. He thrust the scales into his pocket, unheed­ing of the damage being done to the sleek line of his black suit, and went back to the limo.

  "Back to the office?" asked the chauffeur.

  "The airport," said Sable. "And call ahead. I want a ticket to En­gland."

  "Yessir. Return ticket to England."

  Sable fingered the scales in his pocket. "Make that a single," he said. "I'll be making my own way back. Oh, and call the office for me, cancel all appointments."

  "How long for, sir?"

  "The foreseeable future."

  And in the Burger Lord, behind the counter, the stout man with the cowlick slid another half‑dozen burgers onto the grill. He was the happiest man in the whole world and he was singing, very softly.

  ". . . y'ain't never caught a rabbit," he hummed to himself, "and y'ain't no friend of mine . . ."

  – – -

  The Them listened with interest. There was a light drizzle which was barely kept at bay by the old iron sheets and frayed bits of lino that roofed their den in the quarry, and they always looked to Adam to think up things to do when it was raining. They weren't disappointed. Adam's eyes were agleam with the joy of knowledge.

  It had been 3:00 A.m. before he'd gone to sleep under a pile of New Aquarians.

  "An' then there was this man called Charles Fort," he said. "He could make it rain fish and frogs and stuff."

  "Huh," said Pepper. "I bet. Alive frogs?"

  "Oh, yes," said Adam, warming to his subject. "Hopping around and croaking and everything. People paid him money to go away in the end an', an' . . ." He racked his brains for something that would satisfy his audience; he'd done, for Adam, a lot of reading in one go. ". . . And he sailed off in the Mary Celeste and founded the Bermuda Triangle. It's in Bermuda," he added helpfully.

  "No, he couldn't of done that," said Wensleydale sternly, "because I've read about the Mary Celeste, and there was no one on it. It's famous for having no one on it. They found it floating around all by itself with no one on it."

  "I din't say he was on it when they found it, did I?" said Adam scathingly. "Course he wasn't on it. 'Cos of the UFOs landin' and takin' him off. I thought everyone knew about that."

  The Them relaxed a bit. They were on firmer ground with UFOs. They weren't entirely certain about New Age UFOs, though; they'd lis­tened politely to Adam on the subject, but somehow modern UFOs lacked punch.

  "If I was an alien," said Pepper, voicing the opinion of them all, "I wouldn't go round telling people all about mystic cosmic harmony. I'd say," her voice became hoarse and nasal, like someone hampered by an evil black mask, "'Thish ish a lasher blashter, sho you do what you're told, rebel swine."'

  They all nodded. A favorite game in quarry had been based on a highly successful film series with lasers, robots, and a princess who wore her hair like a pair of stereo headphones. (It had been agreed without a word being said that if anyone was going to play the part of any stupid princesses, it wasn't going to be Pepper.) But the game normally ended in a fight to be the one who was allowed to wear the coal scuttle® and blow up planets. Adam was best at it‑when he was the villain, he really sounded as if he could blow up the world. The Them were, anyway, temperamen­tally on the side of planet destroyers, provided they could be allowed to rescue princesses at the same time.

  "I s'pect that's what they used to do," said Adam. "But now it's different. They all have this bright blue light around 'em and go around doing good. Sort of g'lactic policemen, going round tellin' everyone to live in universal harmony and stuff."

  There was a moment's silence while they pondered this waste of perfectly good UFOs.

  "What I've always wondered," said Brian, "is why they call 'em UFOs when they know they're flying saucers. I mean, they're Identified Flying Objects then."

  "It's 'cos the goverment hushes it all up," said Adam. "Millions of flying saucers landin' all the time and the goverment keeps hushing it up."

  "Why?" said Wensleydale.

  Adam hesitated. His reading hadn't provided a quick explanation for this; New Aquarian just took it as the foundation of belief, both of itself and its readers, that the government hushed everything up.

  "'Cos they're the goverment," said Adam simply. "That's what goverments do. They've got this great big building in London full of books of all the things they've hushed up. When the Prime Minister gets in to work in the morning, the first thing he does is go through the big list of everything that's happened in the night and put this big red stamp on them."

  "I bet he has a cup of tea first, and then reads the paper," said Wensleydale, who had on one memorable occasion during the holidays gone unexpectedly into his father's office, where he had formed certain impressions. "And talks about what was on TV last night."

  "Well, orlright, but after that he gets out the book and the big stamp."

  "Which says 'Hush It Up,"' said Pepper.

  "It says Top Secret," said Adam, resenting this attempt at biparti­san creativity. "It's like nucular power stations. They keep blowin' up all the time but no one ever finds out 'cos the goverment hushes it up."

  "They don't keep blowing all the time," said Wensleydale severely. "My father says they're dead safe and mean we don't have to live in a greenhouse. Anyway, there's a big picture of one in my comic* and it doesn't say anything about it blowing up."[26]

  "Yes," said Brian, "But you lent me that comic afterwards and I know what type of picture it was."

  Wensleydale hesitated, and then said in a voice heavy with badly tried patience, "Brian, just because it says Exploded Diagram‑"

  There was the usual brief scuffle.

  "Look," said Adam severely. "Do you want me to tell you about the Aquarium Age, or not?"

  The fight, never very serious amongst the siblinghood of the Them, subsided.

  "Right," said Adam. He scratched his head. "Now you've made me forget where I've got to," he complained.

  "Flyin' saucers," said Brian.

  "Right. Right. Well, if you do see a flying UFO, these government men come and tell you off," said Adam, getting back into his stride. "In a big black car. It happens all the time in America."

  The Them nodded sagely. Of this at least they had no doubt. Amer­ica was, to them, the place that good people went to when they died. They were prepared to believe that just about anything could happen in Amer­ica.

  "Prob'ly causes traffic jams," said Adam, "all these men in black cars, going about telling people off for seeing UFOs. They tell you that if you go on seeing 'em, you'll have a Nasty Accident."

  "Prob'ly get run over by a big black car," said Brian, picking at a scab on a dirty knee. He brightened u
p. "Do you know," he said, "my cousin said that in America there's shops that sell thirty‑nine different flavors of ice cream?"

  This even silenced Adam, briefly.

  "There aren't thirty‑nine flavors of ice cream," said Pepper. "There aren't thirty‑nine flavors in the whole world."

  "There could be, if you mixed them up," said Wensleydale, blinking owlishly. "You know. Strawberry and chocolate. Chocolate and vanilla." He sought for more English flavors. "Strawberry and vanilla and choco­late," he added, lamely.

  "And then there's Atlantis," said Adam loudly.

  He had their interest there. They enjoyed Atlantis. Cities that sank under the sea were right up the Them's street. They listened intently to a jumbled account of pyramids, weird priesthoods, and ancient secrets.

  "Did it just happen sudden, or slowly?" said Brian.

  "Sort of sudden an' slowly,"said Adam, "'cos a lot of 'em got away in boats to all the other countries and taught 'em how to do maths an' English an' History an' stuff."

  "Don't see what's so great about that," said Pepper.

  "Could of been good fun, when it was sinking," said Brian wist­fully, recalled the one occasion when Lower Tadfield had been flooded. "People deliverin' the milk and newspapers by boat, no one having to go to school."

  "If I was an Atlantisan, I'd of stayed," said Wensleydale. This was greeted with disdainful laughter, but he pressed on. "You'd just have to wear a diver's helmet, that's all. And nail all the windows shut and fill the houses with air. It would be great."

  Adam greeted this with the chilly stare he reserved for any of Them who came up with an idea he really wished he'd thought of first.

  "They could of done," he conceded, somewhat weakly. "After they'd sent all the teachers off in the boats. Maybe everyone else stayed on when it went down."

  "You wouldn't have to wash," said Brian, whose parents forced him to wash a great deal more than he thought could possibly be healthy. Not that it did any good. There was something basically ground in about Brian. "Because everything would stay clean. An', an' you could grow seaweed and stuff in the garden and shoot sharks. And have pet octopuses and stuff. And there wouldn't be any schools and stuff because they'd of got rid of all the teachers."