Where I Wanna Be

by Vera Roberts

  “Over the years, the man realized how good he’d had it with his wife and kids. The wife pressed his clothes. The wife prepared his meals. His wife made sure the house was clean. His kids always greeted him with hugs and stories about their day whenever he came home from work. He and the oldest boys always played catch on the weekends. The wife took care of the kids. The new chick? She didn’t do half the shit the wife did. Hell, the new girl didn’t do even a quarter of the shit the wife did. And the new chick didn’t want any children. Eventually, the man started cheating on the new girl with another piece, and the cycle continued because he’s trying to replace what he left—what he should have never left.

  “One day, the man saw his former wife and kids on the television and newspapers. He hadn’t seen them in years and they’re all grown. He reaches out to them, in hopes to having a reconciliation. He’s met with disgust, anger, and hurt. The oldest called him a sperm donor. The second refused to acknowledge his existence and the other kids reacted in similar ways. The wife told him to never call again and changed her number the next day. The man’s one decision he’d made years before left deep wounds; wounds so deep it would take a lifetime and a half to fix.”

  Giorgio placed a hand on Eli’s arm and turned to him. His eyes were filled with tears. “Don’t make the same mistake I made, boy. I’m going to have to live the rest of my life knowing I can never have my family back and it burns a hole so deep in me, it’s unbearable sometimes. If I could take back what I did, I would in a heartbeat.”

  Eli stifled his tears. He appreciated his father’s honesty but he was angry. For years his father purposely stayed out of the picture for his own selfish reasons, not thinking about the impact it would have on Eli and his brothers. “Mother waited for your phone call for years, man. Years! She would’ve taken you back if you just called! Do you know how it feels being called a bastard baby in school? Do you have any idea of what we went through? Do you have any inkling how all of us struggled when you up and disappeared? You sent no money, you didn’t even write a fucking letter! We all assumed you were dead until you conveniently showed up after mom won the lottery. Your sob story now doesn’t erase a lifetime of bullshit, Giorgio.”

  “I’m not asking for forgiveness because I know I won’t get it,” Giorgio calmly stated, “I’m telling this story so you could understand what your wife is feeling, what your son is feeling. What’s more important—you forgiving me or reconciling with your family?”

  Eli calmly sipped his cognac. He hated to admit his father was right. He needed to fight for his family and reconcile with them. He would have to end things with Simone and fight to get Faith’s love and attention away from Darren. Eli felt his stomach twist into tightly-wound coils. “She’s never going to forgive me.”

  “I thought the same thing about your mother,” Giorgio took another sip of his drink, “and look how that turned out?”

  Eli knocked back his drink and stood up. He placed money on the bar, paying his and his father’s drinks. He started to leave but then turned back. “All of those events we did. The football games, the track meets, our graduations… were you at any of them?”

  Giorgio let out a small sigh and slowly sipped his drink. “I went to all of them.”

  Twenty

  It was a long, yet successful day.

  Simone barely managed to make it to her front door, her feet barking from walking in heels all day, her face tired from wearing a plastic smile, her voice exhausted from sounding so upbeat and chipper. The pain she subjected her body to was worth it at the end—she gave away almost all of her goodie bags and several brides signed up for consultations, with many more signing contracts with her on the spot. The hustle and bustle of event planning paid off. All she wanted was to open a bottle of wine and get as wasted as possible.

  She took off her heels and sank her toes into the plush carpet of her apartment while she slowly began to undress, discarding each piece of clothing throughout the home. She finally made it to her bedroom and collapsed face first on the bed. “Uhhhhhh….” She groaned. Her queen sized bed enveloped her body and Simone didn’t want to venture from that position anytime soon.

  Her cell phone rang and she immediately recognized it as Eli’s ring tone. Normally, she would’ve hurried to her phone, anxious to hear his voice and spend her evening trying to convince him to come over and cuddle—their codename for hot, animalistic sex.

  Simone didn’t want to be bothered by Eli or any of the D’Amatos that night. The more she thought about her conversation with Eli, the angrier it made her, making her blood bubble to the point of explosion. It was another reason why her mouth was extra tired—she had to try really hard to keep that grin on her face at all times or people would see the scowl she was hiding.

  It wasn’t just Nicola choosing another event-planning company that bothered Simone. It was the confrontation she’d had with Faith. It was everything that had to do with Eli. He refused to bring her around his family. He refused to have her meet his friends. She already knew what his answer was going to be when she wanted to meet Nathan. With Thanksgiving rapidly approaching, Simone knew she was better off going back to Houston than to entertain any thoughts of being with Eli and his family on that day.

  Simone wasn’t Eli’s girlfriend. She was his plaything. Good enough to fuck in private but not good enough to be seen with in public.

  They never went out to dinner. Simone couldn’t even recall the last time they went out for ice cream. But after he went out to Happy Hour with his brothers or employees, Eli was at her house or she was with him at his place. They saw each other several times a week, spending the night at each other’s respective homes except for when Eli had Nathan. Simone understood that Eli didn’t want to confuse his son and she agreed. She tried to brush it off and excuse his behavior on his impending divorce and crazy holiday schedule. But there’s no divorce or even a talk of one.

  Ashamed. That was the word she was looking for. Eli was ashamed of her, being with her, and quite possibly, having sex with her. Did he love her? She honestly couldn’t answer that. She knew he definitely did love screwing her and that was evident by each tryst they’ve had.

  A soft knocking on her front door indicated a surprise visitor. “Uhhhhh….” Simone groaned. It was probably a neighbor asking for a cup of sugar or solicitor trying to get her buy magazines so they could go on a trip. She ignored the knocking, hoping the person would take the hint and leave. A minute later, the knocking came back and Simone sat up in bed, her eyes blinded by the sudden invasion of light. “Damnit! What is it? Don’t people know I’m trying to rest here?” She threw on a robe and gathered her hair into a loose bun. Whoever it was, she was going to simply tell them she either ran out—supplies or money, they could take their pick.

  She looked through the peephole and was surprised to see Eli behind it. He was holding a bottle of champagne in one hand and what looked like a package of food in the other. It just occurred to Simone she was famished and nothing in her kitchen sounded good. She let out a breath and wondered if she should open the door for the man she loved and loathed at the same time. Knowing Eli, he would wait all night for her until she opened her door. He knew at some point, she would have to leave her house.

  She undid the locks and opened the door for him. Damn. He smelled like heaven and looked like sex. A shirt clung to his chest; outlining the taut abs it was hiding. His jeans hugged his waist and when Simone finally met eyes with Eli, he simply flashed his schoolboy smile. At his feet was a custom floral arrangement just for her and any anger Simone had for Eli flew out the door.

  Eli was good, he was really good.

  “Can I come in?” He quietly asked. Simone remained silent and stepped aside letting him in. She watched in silence as he placed the food and champagne on the table and went back to the front door to hand her the floral arrangement. It was large and filled with various colors of roses, mostly red.

  Eli plucked a single rose from the arrangement
and handed it to his girlfriend. It was no mistake he chose that particular rose—it had her name embossed on it in black lettering. My Sweet Moni, it read.

  “I disrespected you, yet, you’re the one apologizing to me?” Simone sniffed the rose.

  “I’m not going to lie, Moni. I was heated. I was really heated after that text and our phone call. It took me all day to calm down.” Eli ran a hand through his hair. “But then I realized I had some explaining of my own to do, and a phone call or text conversation just wouldn’t cut it.”

  “Well, you brought dinner and champagne,” Simone glanced back to the dining table while she sniffed the rose, “and the beautiful bouquet. Either you’re trying to sweet-talk me or you’re trying to get into my pants?”

  Eli stepped closed to Simone and snaked an arm around her waist. “Maybe I’m trying to sweet talk my way into your pants?” He murmured against her neck.

  Simone felt the fire rise in her belly and her sex softly contract in response. But as much as she wanted Eli at the moment, she also needed to feed her stomach. She nudged him away. “Dinner, conversation, and depending on what I hear, maybe sex.”

  “Maybe?” He challenged, with a twinkle in his eye. “I never heard a maybe from you before.”

  It was true. Simone never had a reason to tell Eli maybe or even no since they’d been together. She had always said yes to him and she was beginning to think that was her problem. Instead of making Eli chase her; he had come to expect it to be placed in front of him, willingly, openly, and all the time. If I never had to beg for it, why would I fight for it?

  Simone put the rose on the counter and led her boyfriend to the table. “Dinner and conversation, first.” She sat down at the table and watched Eli prepare their plates. He opened the bottle of champagne and poured her a glass.

  “I’m sorry for calling your mother a bitch. It was wrong of me and completely out of line. I said that out of frustration and not of anything against her personally.” Simone extended the olive branch. “I hope you can forgive me.”

  “Forgiven,” Eli nodded, “I know my mother choosing another planner was a surprise and to be honest, I was surprised she did that. But it wasn’t a direct dig at you…”

  “Yes, it was.” Simone interjected. “You can believe all you want that it wasn’t but we both know the truth that it was.”

  Eli couldn’t argue with Simone’s point. His mother knew exactly what she was doing. Having Simone plan her wedding would have lifted Simone’s profile above and beyond the many other dime-a-dozen New York event planners and given her business a much-needed boost. Nicola not choosing Simone was a giant Fuck You and she made it loud and clear. “Well, what’s done is done and there’s nothing we can do about it other than move on.”

  “Which is another reason why we should talk tonight,” Simone took a bite of food and slowly chewed it, “so there’s no confusion on what one is expecting from the other.”

  Eli could tell Simone’s temperament changed from warm to almost ice cold. The woman who was willing to get down on her knees to service him in the kitchen was replaced with a calculating ice princess. He already knew what was on Simone’s mind before she said it. It was the same argument she had brought up time and time again. It was the same argument he had shot down time and time again. “I can’t promise you when I’m going to divorce my wife,” he admitted.

  “You can’t promise me because you don’t want to.” Simone calmly sipped her champagne glass. “That’s pretty much the story. Tell me I’m wrong.”

  Simone wasn’t wrong. She was on point. Every argument Simone had with Eli, she was the clear victor. She wanted answers and was frustrated by his response, Eli could admit to that much. But he didn’t know what the future held between him and Faith and didn’t want to promise anything to Simone without finalizing everything with Faith first. “Moni, I have explained to you I can’t just divorce Faith, yet,” Eli replied in a tone that was a cross between being factual and pleading, “I just don’t know what’s going on, yet. I wish you would see things my way.”

  Simone took another bite of food and glared at her boyfriend. “So explain it to me.”

  Eli met Simone’s glare. There was anger boiling in her amber eyes. Normally he would dismiss her complaints and change the subject but he could tell it wasn’t going to happen that night. She was determined to have that conversation with him, whether he wanted to or not. Eli had neither the time nor the desire to deal with Simone in this manner. “Why must every argument turn into something about Faith?”

  “Because every argument has something to do about your wife¸ Eli. I heard you loud and clear,” she cut him off. “The reason you can’t promise me you’re going to divorce Faith is because you don’t want to divorce Faith. Simple as that. You want your good-girl wife at home and your whore to fuck on the side. The problem was you got caught. All this time you’ve been telling me I’ve been irrational, unfair, impatient, and ridiculous and all along, it was you. Let’s face it, Eli. I’m not your girlfriend; I’m your mistress. And if you have it your way, it’ll be like that for the rest of your life. Can I ask you something? Do you even love me? Are you still in love with Faith?” Eli’s silence was deafening and Simone got the answer she suspected was true. She pushed the plate aside and stood up. “Thanks for the roses and dinner. You can see yourself out.”

  Eli remained at the dining room table as Simone went back to her bedroom. Moments later, he heard the door slam shut and the sound of glass shattering. He took a few more bites of his dinner and finished his champagne flute. He wiped his mouth and stared into an empty space.

  Simone was right; he didn’t love her. He loved the way she made him feel. She was more than a late night booty call, though. She had class. She was sophisticated. She could be the lady in public and his whore in private, playing both roles to perfection.

  Was she wife material? She was—for someone else.

  He was still in love with Faith and with news of her burgeoning relationship with Darren, it made Eli that much more determined to make things right with Faith. A part of it was his jealousy, he could admit that. A big part of it was he realized how badly he’d messed up and wanted a second chance before it was too late.

  He was stringing Simone along. He made her believe something more was going to happen between them when that was never his intention. His high-school dick was playing grown man games with another woman’s heart and mind. It wasn’t fair to Simone. It wasn’t fair to Faith. Most importantly, it wasn’t fair to Nathan, who depended on his father to be his role model.

  Eli poured another glass of champagne and quickly finished it. He needed to break up with Simone. He needed to come clean with her and hope the damage wouldn’t be too much. If she hated him for the rest of her life, that would be a small price to pay.

  He walked back to Simone’s bedroom and heard the muffled cries through the door. Fuck. Eli let out another sigh and closed his eyes. If Simone was angry, it would be easier for him to deal with. She was heartbroken and he was the reason behind it. He didn’t want to break her heart, especially after all he sacrificed just to be with her.

  You see, you thought your actions were only going to affect you and no one else, right? That’s where you messed up. Faith’s words were on repeat in Eli’s brain and he couldn’t turn them off. He hated that he was caught up in a mess that affected everyone around him—his family, his mother, his son, and his wife, who didn’t deserve any of the mess Eli put her through. He needed to clean it up and do it quickly. Simone was going to be the sacrificial lamb.

  Eli slowly opened the door to her bedroom and Simone immediately turned away from him so he wouldn’t have to see her tears. Eli sat down on the bed and watched her feverishly try to wipe tears away with her hands. Her makeup was ruined and small black streaks streamed down her cheeks.

  “Moni, look…” Eli began but she held a finger up and waved it while she sniffled.

  “I don’t want to hear it, Eli. You made
your choice and that’s that. You can see your way out.” She sniffled again. “We’re done.”

  They were done, all right. With the argument and their relationship. Their fantasy high school reunion turned into a disaster. Simone loved him and loathed him, though Eli was pretty sure she hated him with all she had at the moment. Eli couldn’t bear the thought of Simone hating him for the rest of her natural born life, especially when everything was his fault. He had to make things right between them.

  Eli swallowed his emotions and slipped off his shoes. He then joined Simone on the bed and snuggled with her. “I’m sorry, Moni.” He pressed her body tight on his body. “I’m really sorry.”

  “I loved you more than you loved me,” Simone’s words were barely audible through her pain-stricken voice, “you used me, Eli. You used me!”

  It was the truth and Eli couldn’t deny it. He did use Simone and played her from the start. She tried to break off the affair many times and he still pursued her until he had her. But when he finally got her, he didn’t know what to do with her and almost seemed annoyed by her presence and all she did was say hello.