Embrace You: Book (Loneliness)

by Alison Cole

  "Mummy? How fee'?" she asks with concern.

  "Mummy feels much better, thank you. How do you feel?"

  "Fee' good. Up! Up!" She raises her round little arms, telling me she wants to get out of bed.

  Downstairs, I work on more breathing exercises, thinking of what I could make for our dinner. As Marcus finishes an article and uploads it to his client, I put my hand on his shoulder.

  "What do you feel like eating? I'm thinking of what we could have for dinner. I'm actually a little bit hungry!" I tell him.

  "Flapjacks? Bangers and mash?"

  "Flapjacks sound good, but bangers and mash...ewww! Too greasy. I'll mix the flapjacks. How about some fruit with those?"

  "Perfect. Just one for Lizzie and two for me. I don't want to push my luck."

  "Okay. Small dinner coming up!" I make the mix for the flapjacks and set it aside so I can cut up fresh fruit. We will be having orange sections and apple slices with our flapjacks. Heating the griddle, I pour the mix on and cook our dinner.

  "Lizzie! It's dinner time!" I wait for a few minutes. "Lizzie! Luv, where are you?" I go into the living room and scream.

  "Marcus! My God!"

  Chapter 8

  Marcus runs into the living room after me. We see our baby girl slumped down on the carpet and go to her, shaking her. She's as limp as a rag doll.

  "My God, call the ambulance! I don't know if she's breathing!" Lizzie is pale and the skin around her mouth is a delicate, pale blue.

  Just a few minutes later, the ambulance pulls up, its siren wailing. The EMTs run into the kitchen, through and into the living room. They begin working on the baby.

  "Ma'am, we need to take her to the hospital. Has she had flu recently?"

  "Yes, early this week. We thought she was getting better!"

  "Mum, dad, bundle up and come with us. Have you been ill, too?"

  "All three of us," Marcus says as he gives me my coat. I slip it on as the technicians bundle Lizzie onto a gurney and place an oxygen mask over her tiny face.

  "Let's go. We'll want to get you checked out as well. She may have suffered a complication and we don't want you two suffering the same thing."

  As we leave, I shut off the burner and put the food away.

  At hospital, Lizzie is quickly checked over by the medical staff.

  "Mum, dad, she appears to have contracted pneumonia. We will need to admit her to the Pediatrics ward so she can receive the medication and oxygen she needs. You are welcome to stay - and, in fact, I would rather have you admitted as well. I will check you two out as well."

  As it turns out, I have the beginning stages of pneumonia. Marcus and I are both admitted so I can start receiving treatment. Because Lizzie is so young, we are all in the same hospital suite.

  Before we go to sleep, I call Tim to report the latest happening.

  "Oy. Okay, you'd better stay in hospital and get the treatment you need. I'm glad you told me about this, honestly. I'll tell the boys so they know to watch for worsening symptoms."

  "Thank you. I'll let you know how it goes and when we go home," I promise him.

  "Good. You just take care of yourself and let the docs take care of the baby."

  Once Lizzie receives antibiotics and oxygen, she comes back round and starts recovering. I begin coughing, so I'm put on oxygen and antibiotics. The next day, Marcus develops pneumonia. We are discharged from hospital over the weekend and we go home. We all have inhalers to use when we have trouble breathing. When I tell the doctor about my singing career and our plans for a European tour, he shakes his head.

  "Mrs. Hadley, you're going to need to take a few days to rest. Do you do exercises for breathing?"

  When I nod affirmatively, he tells me to keep those up. "But drink plenty of water and don't push it. If you can't expand your lungs, stay home. When you can, practice, but take your inhaler with you - you will need it for the next few weeks."

  I sigh, thinking. If it's not one thing, it's another!

  "Okay. I don't want to destroy my voice - it's my livelihood, so I will be sure to do everything you tell me. Thank you."

  In the end, before we are discharged, the doctor orders me to use a nebulizer machine as well. I receive my first treatment in hospital, and the loud noise of the compressor scares poor Lizzie. She scrambles into Marcus' lap, hiding her head.

  "Lizzie, I'm sorry, but your mum needs this so she can breathe and sing," says the doctor.

  "Ow! Bad!" Lizzie says as she holds her hands over her ears.

  "I'll take her to the hallway," Marcus tells me.

  After about twenty minutes, I finish my treatment and give the medicine cup to the nurse. I stand, feeling very shaky, as if I had just drunk a pot full of coffee.

  "Whoa! Is this feeling normal?" I ask.

  "Sadly, yes. The medication stimulates you as it opens up your airways. While you're using the machine at home, you'll feel trembly for a few minutes after. It does go away. Here, drink some water."

  I take several long sips of water as Lizzie and Marcus come back into my hospital room. Finally, we are discharged to go home.

  Once home, I tell Marcus that I will only use the machine in our room, away from Lizzie. It truly does make a horrible racket. After putting the machine, medicine cup and vials of medication safely away, we rest in the living room. Now, I know what to watch for and I keep a very close eye on my little girl. This time, however, we experience no health crises. We rest, eat healthy foods, stay inside out of the cold and we finally recover. While Lizzie and I continue coughing and hacking, I understand that it's part of our recovery, and, as I'm able, I resume my breathing and vocal exercises. Tim and I talk, and he tells me that he, Laslow and Linny are all recovering from their bouts with grippe. We discuss possible practice days and decide we'll take things on a day-to-day basis.

  "We've lost almost a week in preparing for our European tour, you know. Are you working on vocalization and breathing?" he asks me.

  "As much as I can. I have to inhale slowly so I don't start a coughing fit. Thankfully, I have the nebulizer, which helps me keep my airways open. As long as I use that and pay close attention to my breathing, I should be fine. I hate to think how I'll sound singing the first time!"

  "Oh, Lord. I don't even want to think about that! Just take care of yourself and drink lots of fluids. Our health is the best tool we have as we go into our last weeks before the tour begins. Hey, what do you hear about the sentencing for Cara and her friend?"

  "Nothing yet. I do know the magistrate wasn't very impressed with their outbursts at sentencing. I just hope they don't get off scot-free, Tim. If they do, Marcus and I have discussed leaving Great Britain altogether and moving, either to Europe or the U.S. I wouldn't feel free or safe here in England."

  "Can't say I blame you, although that would mean we'd also have to move. It would be worth it, just to keep you lot and the baby safe, though. Tell you what. We'll talk about that on Monday," Tim promises.

  "Sounds good. I'd just like to have a plan, just in case." We ring off and I go to play with Lizzie. Marcus has been watching her and I know he has several articles backed up that he needs to write and get out to his clients.

  "Marcus, I'll take over with Lizzie-girl. You have a lot of work to do," I tell him.

  "Thanks, yes. They're beginning to pile up on me. Was that Tim you were talking to? What did he have to say?"

  "Get working. Yes, it was. We talked about our practice schedule and the tour...and that, if two certain kooks are not sentenced to prison, we would be looking at an international move away from here," I say.

  "Ahhh. Yes, that is important, isn't it?" Marcus responds as he sets up his day's work. "I wish we'd hear soon so we can go back and hear what their sentences are going to be, if anything. You know, you might want to call your mum and set that up, just in case. See if she could come here to take care of Lizzie, although it would be almost at a moment's notice."

  That gets my attention.

  "Y
ou know, that's not a bad idea. Thankfully, she lives only a short distance away, so she could get here quickly. I don't want Lizzie anywhere near those loons. I'll call her."

  After I give Lizzie her lunch, I retreat to a corner of the dining room and call mum.

  "Mum, how are you and dad feeling?"

  "Better, thanks. He's back to normal, although I'm making him stay at home until Monday. What about you lot? How's my Lizzie-girl?"

  "We're all much better. Lizzie and I are still coughing like mad, though, and I'm still using that nebulizer. We'll begin practicing again next week, bar any more emergencies...I have a request. Marcus and I were just talking about, you know...two certain people who've had such an effect on our lives. We're still waiting to hear on their sentencing hearings. We probably won't hear anything until the day the magistrate makes his decision, I don't know. Would you be able to come to the house and mind her for us? We'd like to be there so we know what sentences they get, if anything. And we don't want her in the court room."

  "Yes, I'll be there. Definitely. And, from what I know of the justice system, the magistrate will set a date ahead of time. Look for a notice to come in the post. Once you get it, give me a ring and we'll set it up," mum says.

  "Oh! That's so much better than I expected! Thank you, mum! I will." We ring off and Lizzie finishes her lunch. After cleaning her up, I change her nappy and put her down for her afternoon nap. Once she's down, I bundle up and go check our post. Sure enough, there's a letter from the magistrate's office, giving us the dates for the sentencing hearings for Melanie and Cara.

  "Marcus! We have the sentencing hearing date! Both of them will be sentenced on...on Wednesday next," I tell him as I check the calendar.

  "Lovely! What time?"

  "Melanie's hearing is at nine and Cara's at ten-thirty. I wonder why the long time span in between? Isn't it just a matter of the magistrate telling them how long they'll be behind bars? Or..."

  "He may have another hearing already scheduled for in between, I'm thinking."

  "Yes, that makes sense. Well, now we start praying even harder than we've been before," I tell him. I call mum and set up the arrangements with her.

  "Right after your dad goes to work, I'll go over. Will Lizzie need a bath or anything?"

  "No, just play with her and feed her. Change her nappy as needed. And, please, pray! If they are released, we're talking about moving away from the U.K. They've both made it clear that they don't see their actions as harmful and I wouldn't feel safe," I tell mum.

  "Oh, Lord, that makes me hope even more that they're sentenced! Scum they are, for making you feel as if you need to leave your home! Scum, I say!" Mum is really upset, but then, so am I. "I'll be there good and early so you and Marcus have time to find parking and a seat inside the court house."

  "Thank you, mum. And...I love you," I tell her.

  As I drink water and practice, I try to think positively. They will be sentenced. It's in the record that Cara came after Marcus, Lizzie and me more than once. She has a clear mental health problem. The same is true of Melanie. Just keep thinking positive and pray, girl! Come Wednesday next, we'll know for sure.

  When I go into Marcus' office, I find him staring out the window, lost in thought.

  "Hey, earth to Marcus! Hello! Why the 'lost in space' look?" I ask him.

  "Oh, I'm just imagining a Cara- and Melanie-free world, with those two locked up for many, many years. I can't allow myself to think of the alternative..."

  "Hush, luv. We have to think positive." It's odd...Marcus has been a pillar of strength for me through this whole nightmare, yet now, I feel as if I am holding him up! Well, when I think about it, he's supported me emotionally and physically so many times since this all started. That he feels the need to feel a little weak and unsure of himself is natural. I walk over to him and hug him strongly from behind.

  He puts his hands over mine, then tugs me around so I sit on his lap. We're both lost in thought.

  We are sitting in the magistrate's court room, waiting for Melanie's hearing to start. The press are here in droves. I find myself trying hard to ignore them and their overtures. As the magistrate comes in, my level of alertness goes even higher - I am hyper-focused on the magistrate and Melanie Stabb.

  "Miss Stabb, will you please stand?"

  Melanie rises shakily. She's skinnier than ever!

  "Miss Stabb, notwithstanding your mental health condition, you decided to help another person plan and carry out an illegal act. When questioned on the stand, you expressed no sorrow for your actions. That leads me to believe that, if you find another opportunity, you will act in a similar way in future. For these reasons, and because attempted kidnapping is a crime in Great Britain, I am sentencing you to life in prison with no possibility of an early release. This means you will not be allowed to petition for parole."

  Melanie and the court room erupt in loud noise. Now, I am grateful I kept Lizzie at home with mum!

  "NO! NO! I have a mental illness! I cannot be sentenced behind bars! You fuckin' bitch! I'll get out and I'll get you!" Before she is restrained and pulled out of the court room, she howls her anger and hatred at the magistrate and me.

  Marcus pulls my shaking body into his arms. He's trembling, himself.

  An hour and a half later, I have managed to calm down. I'm sitting in my seat, waiting for the guards to bring Cara in. When they do, I see a sallow, overweight woman with dark bags under her eyes. Her bright-yellow hair has dark roots several inches long. She looks...terrible!

  "Miss Wells, notwithstanding your several mental health diagnoses, you decided to carry out an illegal act against three innocent people. One of whom was an infant at that time. When you were questioned during your testimony, you expressed no remorse, no sorrow, for your harmful actions. Instead, you attempted to rationalize away your actions, saying that you wanted only to see Mr. Hadley and try to get closer to him. A mere baby was your means of attempting to do so. With all of these considerations in mind, I am sentencing you to life behind bars, with no option for parole..."

  "FUCK YOU! No! You don't understand what I've been through, how I've tried to get close to him...I...I love him. I...GODDAMN YOU, YOU BITCH! When I get out, I'll KILL YOU!!" Cara struggles mightily against the court room guards, who double down on her. It takes several of them to restrain her and put handcuffs on her. As they force her out of the court room, they make a strange and odd dance.

  I begin crying after I hear the depths of Cara's insanity.

  "Oh, my God, that was..." I say.

  "What? What was intense?" Marcus asks me.

  "I was just imagining the sentencing hearings. Horrible! They were sentenced to life and they both blew up at me!" I tell Marcus.

  "Lord. I hope they'll have guards in there."

  Watching Marcus, I see a far-away look on his face.

  Johanna and I are at the sentencing hearings for Cara and Melanie. I'm scared for me...but more so for her and my baby girl. They intend harm to Johanna and tried to use my Lizzie to get to me. They are truly...insane. They have no remorse for their actions. I hope they get life.

  I pay close attention as the guards bring Melanie Stabb in. Lord, she has gotten skinny! Is she anorexic? The magistrate walks in and sits behind his bench.

  "Miss Stabb, please stand. I have looked at all the evidence presented during your trial. I looked at your mental health diagnosis as well. For this reason, I am sentencing you to time served, but you will be required to enter an inpatient mental health facility so you can learn about your condition, how it manifests and how it causes you to mistreat others. I am requiring you to enter inpatient treatment and face-to-face therapy with a mental health professional who specializes in treating borderline personality disorder. When this professional indicates that you are able to control your disorder and that you consistently respect the rights of others, you will be discharged back into society. Next!"

  No! She...she'll kill my family!

  I'm
still swallowing nausea and tears when the guards bring Cara in. How could she have ever thought that I could be attracted to her? I remembered her only after browsing through the school year book. She was that...unmemorable. I shudder as she looks at me and simpers at me.

  "Miss Wells, please stand. I have gone over the details of your actions against the Hadley family, including the attempted kidnapping of baby Lizzie Hadley. I have read the transcript of your testimony from the stand. You expressed no remorse. Therefore, I am sentencing you to inpatient treatment in a lockdown psychiatric facility. You will learn about your various mental health conditions and how they manifest themselves. You will learn how these conditions lead you to disregard the rights of others. You will be required to participate in face-to-face therapy and take medication for your schizophrenic disorder. Once you have learned to appreciate the seriousness of your diagnoses and begun treating others with the respect they deserve, you will be sentenced to serve fifteen years behind bars. You will serve the full fifteen years, with no possibility for early release."

  "NO! How can you do that to someone for loving someone else? You BITCH! I'm getting out and when I find you, I'm killing you! Marcus is mine...we will be..."

  "My God, no!" Marcus shouts.

  I look at him - he's ashen-pale and a thin film of sweat covers his face.

  "Marcus, what? What is it!"

  "Oh, my God, I can't believe it! I was thinking of what could happen next week...the magistrate only required Melanie to spend time in a psychiatric hospital, coming to grips with her disorder. Once she's 'able to respect the rights of others with consistency,' she's scot-free. And Cara! God! She gets the same, plus fifteen years behind bars. She won't get any parole. She threatened you, Johanna! She said that she and I...belong together." As he says the last two words, he shudders violently and almost gags.