Tattered & Torn

by A. J. Downey

  "Is that what you see when you look at me?" I felt a small surge of triumph.

  "That and a whole lot more just waiting to be discovered if you’d let me," I told her. She sniffed and pulled her face from between my hands, rubbing the tip of her nose with the back of her hand.

  "You think about it," I told her gently, and blinked in surprise when she scoffed.

  “I don’t have to think about it Ghost!” she cried, “It’s all I’ve ever wanted.” She dropped her hands from my shoulders and sighed out, her eyes closing.

  “What Honey?” I asked her.

  “Just promise me that this isn’t because of what I said on the mountain.” I laughed a little.

  “No, I’ve felt this way for a while. Why else would I get so butt-twisted when you were with other guys?” I headed her off at the pass, I could see right where she was going. “I know! I know, you weren’t actually with them but you played a convincing game Princess you had to, I understand that now. I was a dense mother fucker but I’m paying attention now.” I pulled her in and her resistance was fading. I held her close and her arms went around my shoulders and she held me too, gasping when she got a look at the bed. I chuckled.

  “Yeah, same one,” I said and leaned back to look at her. I opened my mouth to ask her what she was thinking but a knock fell at the door. I reached out and twisted the handle and it popped open. Ashton and Reaver stood outside. Ashton looking worried, Reaver’s eyes sparkling with a wicked good humor.

  “How you doin’ Baby Cuz?” he asked with a wink.

  “Did you know about this?” she asked him and he opened his mouth, “Don’t fuck with me Reaver, I don’t think I could take you fucking with me right now. So please don’t. Please don’t fuck with me!” her face collapsed and Ashton rushed in and hugged us both.

  “No Runt, I didn’t know but I’m glad. I’m happy for you,” Reaver looked solemn as he said it and Shelly reached out. Reaver came in and pretty soon I was part of a very awkward group hug which I didn’t really mind. Shelly seemed to need it.

  “Pretty sure you made an enemy for life outta Grinder,” Reaver said dispassionately.

  “Fuck that fucking fuck,” Shelly said, voice muffled where her face was pressed into my shoulder. Reaver, Ashton and I laughed.

  “That’s my Baby Cousin!” Reaver declared.

  “Right,” Ashton said dubiously, “Now both of you get out. Shelly and I need to talk about something.” I blinked.

  “What did Trig do to you!?” I blurted, remembering the shy as fuck, meek girl I helped move in to her first apartment.

  “C’mere, I’ll show you,” Trig said from the door and Reave pulled back from our little knot of three and went for his best friend. I shook my head. Shelly sniffed and pushed back from me.

  “Go on, Ashton’s right. I wanted to talk to her but Grinder interrupted us.”

  “You sure you’re okay?” I asked her, she gave me a baleful look, I laughed softly, “See, fireball.” I joined the boys in the hall and Ashton shut the door on us.

  “I need a fucking beer,” Reaver said and hung his head.

  “Me too,” I said.

  “Fuck, I need something stronger than that,” Trig said and put his e-cig in his mouth.

  “Can we go shoot something?” I asked. Trigger raised an eyebrow.

  “Next best thing?” he queried. I wanted to beat Grinder’s ass but I couldn’t.

  “You read me so well Sir,” I said and Trig grunted, letting it slide.

  Chapter 13

  Shelly…

  “He says he’s in love with me.” I scrubbed my face with my hands. Ashton smiled.

  “I can believe it.” She popped up onto the side of the bed and swung her feet a little patting the quilt beside her. I sank down and trailed fingers over the material and remembered our night under the stars. It made me smile and Ashton laughed.

  “I don’t think you have much to worry about Shelly, but you were trying to ask me something in the kitchen..?”

  “Yeah. How did you do it?” I asked and looked at her.

  “Do what?” she frowned confused and I bobbed my head, lips pursed trying to think of a way to ask that wasn’t totally epically rude and finally just settled on…

  “Trigger.”

  Ashton blinked and laughed.

  “Um, you’re experienced in the birds and the bees. How do you think?” she blushed a furious shade of crimson and I scrubbed my face with my hands again, pressing my fingertips into my eyes.

  “Wow. Okay, I really hate bringing the douchebag up but I mean…” I decided to just stop beating around the bush. “Your ex-husband raped you, right?” I winced. Ashton nodded silently and understanding crossed her delicate features. She swept her long auburn hair over her shoulder and ran it through her hands. Taking a moment.

  “You want to know how I could be with Ethan after what Chadwick did to me.” She smiled at me and it was a little sad.

  “Yeah, I mean… I don’t know, is it too soon?” I asked and bit my lip.

  “Shelly, I know we aren’t the best of friends and we aren’t super close. I’d like for that to change.”

  I rolled my eyes, “I guess it will now!” I laughed a little. There were some very real dividing lines between a club slut and the Old Ladies and while I was generally more accepted by the Ol’ Ladies of the Sacred Hearts, I knew my place and which side of the dividing line I lived on. The only reason I’d even been more accepted was because they knew, and I made it clear, I stayed away from their men unless their men didn’t really make it an option to.

  I wasn’t like a lot of the fuckin’ hoochies that hung around. I had more self-respect, or so I’d thought, but no matter my slightly elevated status, because of my morals, or my cousin, I was still set apart as ‘other’ and so I kept my distance and never got too close. Ghost’s proclamation had changed a lot of shit for me in just a few seconds time. I took a leap of faith with Ashton here, but truthfully, she made it so easy just by being the fucking ray of Sunshine she always was.

  “I’m afraid of what the Old Ladies, hell, any woman would think if I did Ghost this soon after what happened. I mean, I was a slut. I get that, and I was even okay with that! Before… I mean I never felt gross, or dirty or any of those things but then he made me and I didn’t want to and…” I slammed my lips shut and tried hard to force the angry tears down but they forced their way out anyways.

  “He took something from you, but he’s dead now and he can’t keep it. Not if you don’t let him. Shelly you are one of the bravest women I know and he hurt you but you survived. It’s not up to this woman or that woman on if you’ve healed enough or on if enough time has gone by for you to try again. That’s up to you.” She rubbed my back, a fierce look of empathy in her eyes.

  “Did you worry about this stuff, you know, with Trig?” I asked. She smiled and lit up from the inside at his name.

  “Oh boy! Did I ever! I was so afraid I was replacing Chadwick with Ethan and I didn’t want that, I didn’t want that at all. I know it sounds strange or unreal but everything with Ethan was so natural, it felt right. In here.” She folded her hands above her heart, pressing against the chest of her light pink tee shirt.

  “No one but you can say if and when you’re ready. Or if and when you’re…” she made air quotes with her fingers, “Over it. Truthfully, you never fully get over something like that, you adapt and move around it. It’s this big boulder of ugly that drops from the sky and remains firmly lodged in your path for a minute and then you walk around it and keep going on your way, but that doesn’t move it, or remove it. It’ll always be on your path you just have to learn to go around it or over it and put it behind you. If you feel comfortable, if you want to sleep with Ghost or you want him to touch you or to love you, then I am so very happy for you!” she said and I felt my eyes well up again.

  “Do you ever… Are there things you still can’t…” she smiled.

  “Yes, but Ethan and I talk about those th
ings, candidly. We are honest with each other and we face those things head on. Some of them I am able to do again, some of them I am still working on. The thing to remember is that I trust Ethan. If you trust Ghost and you know you can trust him. That makes a huge difference.” I nodded and bit my lips together, thinking about these things. Ashton smiled and sighed.

  “You’re still so very young Shelly and life doesn’t come with an instruction manual. These things worked for me and I hope that my insight helps you but ultimately you have to find out what works best for you Sweetie. No one else can dictate how you feel or what time is right to do what. There are some generally accepted standards out there, guidelines if you will, made up of a bunch of different people’s experiences but you are uniquely you. Just like I am uniquely me. There is no one and I mean no one who should be judging you based on those standards because they don’t know you like you know you.” I blinked at Ashton and wondered how the hell I had missed her being such an insightful and intelligent woman. I hugged her and nodded.

  I had a lot to think about. A lot to do to work on myself and I didn’t exactly know where to start but I figured, here and now was as good as any. I pulled back from Ashton just as the door burst open. Everett and Chandra barged in with plates, Hayden right behind them. She kicked the door shut. Chandra lit a birthday candle in the middle of a slice of pumpkin pie.

  “Congratulations Baby! You’ve graduated!” she cried and I laughed. Everett grinned at me and they all started settling in around Ghost’s room with their pie.

  “What are you doing?” I asked.

  “The guys are all watching football or going out back to shoot. Figured we could use a break from the kitchen and from the ho’s out there,” Everett rolled her eyes. I shifted a bit uncomfortably.

  “Oh Please!?” Chandra cried. “You ain’t been one of them in a long damn time, Darlin’,” she took a bite of her pie and said with her mouth full, “Pretty soon you’re going to have to kick some bimbo’s ass the way I kicked yours.” I blushed at the old memory which wasn’t quite old enough. Hayden and Everett burst out laughing.

  “This I have to know,” Everett said and winked at me.

  “Nothin’ really to say,” Chandra said and kept the story blessedly short, “She got mouthy I whopped her ass and we’ve been straight ever since,” which was true. I’d smarted off at Chandra when I was green as grass and she’d let me have it verbally but I didn’t get the hint and smarted back so she’d grabbed me by the back of the head and had slammed my face into the bar. It’d hurt. A lot. Had bloodied my nose and I’d had raccoon eyes for what felt like weeks but I never made that mistake twice. Oh I smarted off plenty, just never to Chandra again. I was lucky she hadn’t broken my nose. By the time I finished telling the full story Everett was in stitches and Hayden and Ashton were wide eyed. I smirked at them.

  “Not worried about you Hayden, I think you can handle it, but no worries Sunshine, I already decided if some bitch gets too handsy with Trig and doesn’t want to listen to you, I’ll kick her ass for you.” I licked some whipped cream off the back of my fork. Hayden dissolved into laughter with Chandra and Everett.

  I was feeling markedly more human, more like my kick ass old self, by the minute. I decided then, that I had a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. My cousin, his wife, this club, my girls but also… even though I wasn’t sure what the hell we were doing yet, I was really thankful for my man, for Ghost.

  Chapter 14

  Ghost…

  “Here comes trouble,” Grinder muttered under his breath and I looked up from the magazine for a Glock 23 in my hands.

  Shelly was striding across the grass towards our shooting range we’d built over the summer, huddled in her cardigan which she had pulled tightly across her body, hands hidden by the crook of either elbow. She stopped in the midst of us. Looked up at Grinder, looked at me and held out her hand. I wordlessly passed her the mag having no fucking idea what she was going to do with it. Reaver bounced a little on the balls of his feet and grinned like a lunatic.

  Shelly stepped up to the table, picked up the Glock and ran the magazine home. She pulled back the slide, checked the safety and like a pro, raised the weapon, sighted and fired. She emptied the thing quickly and efficiently at the paper down the end of the range tacked to some plywood. She looked at her handiwork, lifted one shoulder in a shrug, gave Grinder a pointed look and raised one eyebrow. Then she turned to me and her look softened.

  “Talk to you?” she asked me. I peered down the range at her impressive cluster and felt a slow grin spread across my lips.

  “Yeah.” I put an arm around her and pulled her into my side, kissing the side of her neck.

  “I got your weapon. Go on,” Trig said and he was smiling too. Reaver laughed and knocked Grinder in the shoulder who was looking at Shelly like he’d never seen her before. His eyes flicked to me.

  “Did you know she could do that?” he asked. I looked down the range at the cluster in the crotch of the silhouette and the corners of my mouth drew down to crush the grin. I raised my eyebrows and shook my head.

  “Nope,” and it was true, I’d had no clue my girl was good with a gun and I have to say I thought it was sexy as hell.

  I walked with Shelly back towards the clubhouse and heard Reaver say, “She’s just as good with a knife. I taught her myself. Just in case, you know, you get any ideas,” then he laughed, probably at the look on the dude’s face.

  Grinder had come out and had actually apologized. I’d kind of expected him to start some shit, but he didn’t. It had given me hope for some of these new guys from out of town but then I figured, Dragon and Dray knew what they were about. If they didn’t think a dude was going to be a good fit, they probably had talked to them about it quiet like and those dudes had probably moved on.

  “What’s up Princess?” I asked Shelly when we were good and out of earshot.

  “I’m a little lost Ghost,” she said and her voice, her tone, it was so frank and so surprisingly open and honest, I changed trajectory and moved for my club room instead of the media or common room where I’d been going.

  “Lost how Honey?” I asked.

  “I’ve never exactly gotten to do the whole relationship thing where I could be absolutely sure I was the only one. Where things were pretty exclusive; while I know how things work in theory…” she pursed her lips.

  “Hey,” I stopped her and put my hands on her shoulders, caressing over her collarbones through her thin white tee shirt with my thumbs. Thrilled that she so easily let me touch her now. That she trusted me to the point she didn’t think about it anymore.

  “What?” she asked. I shook her a little bit, playfully.

  “Stop over thinking things,” I said and she gave me a sad little watery version of her typically fiery smart assed half smile.

  “Have you met me?” she asked and I laughed a little. We kept walking and I ushered her into my room. She stood for a long minute staring at the old brass bed from the mountainside. It’d been a bitch and a half dragging that thing up and down the mountain but it’d been so worth it.

  “I’m scared,” she confessed, and turned to face me.

  “Okay.”

  “Not of you, or that you’re gonna hurt me but more that, you know, I won’t be able to… That I won’t or can’t without,” she closed her mouth and dropped her eyes to the floor, shifting from foot to foot.

  “That you’ll be thinking of what he did?” I asked. She bit her lips together and nodded. I went to her and pulled her lips down to mine, softly, gently, kissing her. Some tension eased from her and she kissed me back, cautiously, sweetly. I had another bright idea.

  “You want to try and find out Princess?” I asked against her lips. She nodded and I went to my sock drawer and pulled out a couple of my ties.

  “I don’t know Ghost, I’ve never much liked the idea of being tied up.” She looked really troubled and I chuckled.

  “They’re not for you Princess,” I
tossed the ties on the bed. I toed off my running shoes and shrugged out of my jacket and cut. I hung them on the hook that went over the door lining the back of the wood for coats and shit. I stripped my tee over my head and let it fall to the floor. Shelly sucked in a sharp breath and it made me smirk.

  This so wasn’t my usual bag. I liked to be in control, but I could give it up if it meant making her more comfortable. I was getting painfully hard in my boxers and jeans thinking about her hands on me. Her mouth on me… I stripped off my socks but left my jeans in place. I went to the bed and rigged up the ties to the old brass headboard. I fashioned some slip knots and with a deep breath laid down and put my hands through the loops and pulled tight. I would need her help to get out of this so I was trusting her here. I looked at her, standing so still in the middle of the midnight blue area rug on the lighter carpet and smiled.

  “Your move Princess,” I said and settled back, content to just let things happen. Her sapphire eyes swept me from head to toe and she stood stalk still, hugging herself, fingers curled into each opposite sleeve of her comfortable if tired and shabby black cardigan. She licked her lips and swallowed. For a minute I thought she was going to walk out but then the tension in her posture eased slightly and her arms uncurled from around herself.

  “What if I want you to touch me?” she asked softly.

  “I’d like that Baby, I really would, but you decide what happens when here.”

  She nodded slowly and slipped the old sweater from her shoulders and let it fall. I watched her as she meticulously slipped first one black and white Chuck Taylor, then the other, off her feet. Lining them up neatly in front of the closet door. It was cool. It was fine. I was in no rush. I just wish that someone would tell that to the raging hard on I was sporting.

  She tucked her socks into the shoes and straightened. Her back was to me and I couldn’t see her expression but her body language was tense, her back rising and falling a little too quickly with short breaths. She slid her jeans from her hips and pushed them all the way down her long shapely legs to the floor and Oh. My. God. I know she didn’t intend it to be but it was probably the hottest thing I’d seen her do. So fucking erotic! I knew I’d be replaying it in my mind in those quiet hours in the deep of night while I was in the truck alone and the world slept on oblivious.