Just a Daddy’s Girl
Ashleigh Smith
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© Copyright 2012 Ashleigh Smith.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written prior permission of the author.
isbn: 978-1-4669-4560-9 (sc)
isbn: 978-1-4669-4559-3 (e)
Trafford rev. 07/02/2012
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Contents
Introduction
Dedication
My Loss
5 years ago
Noticing a change
Graduation
Prom
The Day
The funeral
James view
Everything’s going
to be okay
Unconditional
Introduction
I was sitting in my dinning room on my computer one evening and I was watching a film which my little step-brother Ryan recommended. The film was called The Last Song, which had Miley Cyrus as the main character. It was a very sad film I thought and well you can guess I was balling my eyes out at the end of it. I closed down the computer and went up to my room, where I went and sat on my bed. While I sat there I thought about why it affected me so much. I kept asking myself why I am still crying? It’s just a film. Then it dawned on me why. I have always been a Daddy’s girl; I have always wanted to be with my Dad. The thought of being with-out him in this world hurt and it makes me cry whenever I think of loosing him. As a foster child I do feel lonely most of the time, not having any close family to have a one to one conversation with. Out of the blue I thought to myself, why don’t I write a book? I had a name straight away, it was already in my head and the more I thought about it, the more the idea progressed. I found one of my little A5 note books and ripped out the few pages that had been written on. I was off. I just kept writing until I finished the first chapter. I don’t know what made me so determined to write the book but once I began I didn’t want to stop. Ideas were landing in my mind as if it was an airport. The funny thing was I found myself crying as I wrote the first chapter. I know the feeling of what its like to loose someone. I lost my nanny J a few years back and it did have a big affect on me but yet no-one in my family thought it would. The thing is I always thought she was the key to keeping my whole family together and as soon as she was gone I felt like no-one else had an excuse to stick together as a family. Our family started to become a giant tree; everyone was going in different directions but still linked by one thing. Blood. I still talk to my nanny J every now and then and I think she would be proud of me. The book is about how loosing someone close to you and the marks you’re left with. I may not have lost my Dad but I have had the feeling of almost loosing him. He almost walked away from me and my sister when I was 3, but just remembering that night makes me want to burst out crying as the thought of him deciding to leave hurt more than him being taken from me. This book has a lot of emotion behind it and some of the relationships are based on what I have with my friends and family. I have wrote the book when I have been feeling down, excited, bored and even sleepy but writing it and thinking about the end out come, well lets just say it was worth working towards.
Dedication
I managed to finish my book in just 4 months and it wouldn’t have been done so quickly if I didn’t have the support from my friends, family and teachers from my school. My older brother Liam was the main person that helped me get this done. Soon as I mentioned to him I was writing a book he said he wanted to hear what I had written so far. I read out what I had to him and waited to see what he had to say. All I got back was Ashleigh you need to finish this book. I have never seen his so enthusiastic towards something I have done. This emotion helped me complete my book. He believed in me, he said I could go far with my writing. My best friends Hannah Pepperell and Leanne Ellison were really supportive of my ideas, they both love reading the little story’s I write about them and they thought this book is defiantly me. They have kept me on track, through out and talked to me about how it was coming along. It was nice to share something special with them as my friendship with them helped me create the friendship between some of my characters. My school teachers also were a great help, they read what I had written some times and helped me with some of the things I wasn’t able to word, they helped build my confidence in writing as they picked out the good bits and also pointed out what I could improve on such as spellings. My English teacher was a great help as I was able to use some of the skills I learnt in her lesson and use them in my book. But on the whole I am most grateful to my publicist Marion Guillen; I don’t think I would have been able to do it without her support. Marion was there to help me whenever I needed her regardless of the time difference she still helped me whenever and was always in touch which was nice as even when I was feeling down she was still there not as my publicist but as someone I could talk to. All these people have been amazing to me and they all played a part in this book so I want to thank them.
My Loss
I was 18 when I lost him. I lost the one man that stays with you forever, the one man who loves you unconditionally. The man who takes care of you, the one man that deals with any boy who breaks your heart. The one man that will kill will die; will jump in front of a bullet for you. I lost the one man that can never be replaced. The man you call Daddy. It’s hard to know what it feels like to loose that man and to loose the love that he gave. It feels like a scar that’s been cut open never to be sealed again. You feel the emptiness in your heart where he used to be. When you loose him, you forget all about the silly arguments you had. You forget every wrong that he ever did. You feel guilty for every time you ever said ‘I hate you Dad’. Every temper tantrum is forgotten. All you feel is regret but you have all the good memories to show how much he cared. You see how his love for you never changed even when you hurt him. You see that his love was really unconditional. My Dad was Cole Myers.
He was a great man and a great Dad to me, we had our ups and downs but after all he was my Dad and I loved him. Nothing ever got between me and him ever. I knew he wasn’t feeling right for a while it was only recently I noticed it more. He would be sleeping in and not bothering to get up. He was going off food and hardly eats anything during the day. He looked as if he was wasting away, and I didn’t know what to say him or to anyone for that matter. His skin started to look discoloured and he wasn’t being his usual self. The walks we would take would be much shorter and he wouldn’t sing as much as he did. It was just me and him that lived together, we moved away when I was 13 years old and we went to go live in LA. So I was the only one to notice the difference in him. We used to be so close and we’d talk about everything and sing together but now he’s quiet and doesn’t do much of that. We live on the beach in a 3 bed roomed house along the coast. It’s what I have called home for 5 years. We made it our home. Everyone practically knew us, as we were well known mainly because of my Dad. He was a friendly man and got on with everyone. Everyone loved him as he was just so funny at times and a great laugh. I was lucky to have him as my Dad.
It was around 7 o’clock on Friday 25th may, on Fridays we’d get ready to sit down on the decking and talk to catch up and see the t
ide come in. We’d spend time together with out fail it was a family tradition regardless. We stuck to it, we were so close and I was a Daddy’s girl. That’s where I found him in the deck chair, he wasn’t moving. It was the shock that hit me first; I just froze unable to move any closer. I had no control over my body, I felt as if my heart had just been ripped out of my chest and I had to stand there and feel the pain. My mind was yelling at me telling me I had to have control; I had to see if I was right. I have never wanted to be wrong as much as I did now. My stomach told me he was gone; he would have moved or at least flinched if he heard me come up behind him but he was still. I started to gain control of my body again and brought myself to walk towards him. I walked to the front of the deck chair and let out a huge gasp as I tried to take it all in. I tried to speak and call for help but that’s when my voice cracked, the tears were streaming down my face and just landed freely. They were fast and I lost all control. I started to find it hard to breath; as the shock was taking over me. I couldn’t believe he could have gone so quickly. I left him for only 10 minutes and with-in those 10 minutes he slipped away from me. I knelt down beside his body and took his hand. His eyes were shut and it looked as if he has a smile on his face. It made me let out a screech and I couldn’t stop myself, I could hear my cries getting louder each time, each time it became more real to me. My tears were getting heavier with each moment that passed. I couldn’t believe he was gone. He was just so special to me and he was just taken from me with-out warning and I don’t even know why. The feeling in my gut is something I have never felt before. Why me, why him. “Daddy please wake up, Daddy please don’t leave me. Daddy, just please wake up” I pleaded with a broken voice. I couldn’t get myself to stop crying. It felt so real and yet I was wishing that I was sleeping. I hate facing reality because it’s the hardest test of all, the one man I love is gone, and he left me alone. He left me with no warning, what am I to do.
Even though he has only just slipped away from me, I feel lonely already, like there’s a giant black hole in my heart. I knew what I had to do and soon. I placed his hand back on his knee to rest and gave him one last kiss before leaving him. I ran straight to the phone and dialled 911 and asked for medical services. I gave them the details they needed and hung up. The tears started back up again. I didn’t want to believe he was gone. If I could have known I would have stayed with him and kept him talking to make him hold on longer. It would have given me the time I needed to say goodbye. As the tears slowly fell down my face, each one allowing me to feel more pain. Tears reminding me of who I have lost, telling me I have to live without him from now on and forever.
The paramedics arrived 5 minutes later and sorted it all out. As I sat on the floor and watched as they moved my Dad off the deck chair and into the gurney. His body was lifeless, like his soul has already gone and hasn’t said good bye. They covered him with a white sheet that hid every part of him so I could no longer see him. They wheeled the gurney past me and my stomach felt as if it was getting tighter and I couldn’t breathe again. I felt sick to the bone and the tears wouldn’t stop. You see this all the time on movies and you never think it would be you, on the floor torturing yourself because you have no idea what just happened or why it happened. One of the paramedics came over to help me “You okay there?” said the male paramedic, he waited for a reply but never got one. I just sat in silence while watching my world come crumbling down. “Are you alright to come to the hospital to speak to your father’s doctor?” he spoke again after I didn’t reply this time I just nodded in response. He held out his hand to help me up. He gave me support as he led me over to the ambulance. I couldn’t talk and I could barely walk. I just about made it to the ambulance even with his help. I felt as if my throat was closing up and my voice was being taken away from me. Every time I wanted to speak my body stopped me. I saw the male paramedics name tag, his name was James Evans. He helped me up onto the ambulance and climbed in after me and slid the door shut. I sat opposite to the gurney with my father under the white sheet. I let out another sob and cry as I tried to catch my breath. I mean I tried to gain control of my tears but they wouldn’t stop, they were just out of control. It was only me, my fathers body and James in the back while the 2 other paramedics sat up front. James was sitting beside me and gave me a squeeze for support. How could he know how I feel, I just lost the one man in my life that means the world to me. I have nothing with-out my Dad. I am nothing; he made me who I am. So what am I with-out him? James didn’t have that special bond me and my Dad had. We had this close relationship that no-one got between; we had personal chats that I wouldn’t even share with one of my closest friends. We would take long walks on the beach and sing together. We would toast marshmallows over the fire that we had built together. We spoke about everything him and me. We had the greatest time ever and it was just us. I stopped crying now and realised I was staring at the body bag which held my fathers lifeless body in. I was sitting thinking about all the good times we spent together as if they were one big movie being played in my head.
I was being brought back from my daze when I heard the ambulance door slide wide open. Everything happened so fast, everybody had there role to do when the doors were opened. The paramedics wheeled the gurney of the ambulance and were out of sight in no time. All I could do was sit and watch. James stayed by my side and finally said that it was time for us to get off the ambulance. James helped me down and led me through the hospital. We went straight to the waiting room as we had to wait to see the doctor. The other paramedics said we had to give the doctor time to have a look at my father’s body. Then the tears started back up again, just the thought of him being gone hurt. James was so supportive he stayed by my side all the way through the waiting, he got me a few glasses of water to help stop the tears and calm me down. He said my heart rate was speeding up and that he had to keep it stable or there was a risk of fainting. I was in no state to faint I had to find out the truth. We waited for about 45 minutes to see my father’s doctor. When the doctor started to head our way so we stood up to meet him. “Hello, and who do we have here then?” he said eyeing me from head to toe. “M-my name is Sami Myers, I’m Cole Myers daughter” I said in the closest voice to normal I could manage. “My apologies Sami, I wouldn’t have guessed you were his daughter, well then would you like to follow me” he said all ready turning and heading to where I think his office is.
When we reached the 2 solid oak doors he held one of them open for me and shut it behind me. My father’s doctor’s name was Dr. Ravenswood; I saw it on the door before I entered. “Take a seat Sami” he said holding out his hand to point me in the direction I could sit in. “I’m assuming your father didn’t speak to you about his condition, am I correct?” he said getting straight to it. “No he didn’t say a word to me” I replied. “Well I’m sorry Sami to be the one to tell you” he continued “your father has been ill for at least a year or so, he visited me sometime last year for a check up and we found something in his lungs. At first we wasn’t sure as it was too small to make any judgements but I think about 2 weeks later we discovered that the something we found in his lungs had doubled in size. It was then we realise that he had lung cancer but it was worse than that, not even 2 months had passed and we found that it had spread a little more than expected into the pancreas. He decided he wanted to take medication to help slow down the process of the cancerous cells forming any further” he took a breath before continuing. I could see it in his eyes that he hated this part of his job, I could see that he did try his best to save my Dad but it wasn’t enough. All I could do there is sit and take it in, I was in shock. “After about 5 months we noticed that the cells were beginning to form again and that’s when the medication started to become ineffective. He said he wanted to hold on for as long as he could for you. So we started to do radiotherapy. When we realised it only killed ¼ of the cancerous cells we resorted to the chemotherapy. Your father said that you wouldn’t notice the hair loss as he d
idn’t have any and that he could hide the sickness to make it look like he had a few drinks to many. But by now at least 9 months had passed and he decided it was time for the fight to end. We continued to give him some medication for about 2 weeks after that, we gave him a rough estimate of how long he had left. He had about 5 months if that. But he said that was enough time to see you turn 18 and become an adult. He didn’t want you to worry so he must have kept it to himself. The cancer finally spread all over his body, which was what caused his death. It wasn’t a painful death; he would have felt like he was drifting of to sleep. I’m so sorry for your loss Sami, Cole was a great man and I bet he was a great father too”. He started to walk around his desk and opened a draw and pulled out a large A4 envelope and handed it to me. “This is for you, he had been writing some letters while he was here and wanted me to give them to you when this day came, Sami I’m sorry again” his voice was filled with compassion, he really did feel for me. The tears weren’t as fast as before, I surprised myself but I could tell more were on there way.
“Can I see him?” I asked with-out taking my eyes of the envelope. “Yes come with me if you please” he said holding out his hand again to point me to the door. We stepped into the hall and went in the opposite direction to where I came in earlier. James wasn’t in sight so I figured he had gone back to finish his work. I followed the doctor to a door that had morgue written on. As he opened the door I saw him straight away. I couldn’t take my eyes of my Dad; he was just lying there on the steel counter, he looked as if he was in a deep sleep. He was covered in only a white sheet which left his arms and face uncovered. I walked over to him not letting my tears take control just yet. Hell no, I was going to get my goodbye. I pulled up one of the stools and placed it beside him, when I got close it made me shiver as if he was close by. I took my seat and reached out for his hand. His skin was cold to the touch; I held his hand even tighter. “Can I be with him alone for 5 minutes” I asked the doctor. I never took my eyes of my Dad, I couldn’t I wanted to make this last because soon as I leave that’s it ill never see him again. My face probably made me look like I haven’t slept in days from all the crying I have done and believe me this was just the start of it. “Sure, ill be waiting outside for you” and with that he turned and left the room shutting the door as quietly as he could on his way out.
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