“Daddy it’s me, I’m here, I’m always here. Why didn’t you tell me, we could have gone through it together? I would have been with you every step of the way.” I took a deep breath and began again. “You’re my hero Dad and you always have been. We did everything together. I was a proper Daddy’s girl and you know it. Who is going to sit and watch my films and listen to me moan about my day? Who’s going to sing with me and who can I share everything with? I can’t live with-out you. You have been with me every step of the way. Why couldn’t you just tell me? You have left me, it’s not your fault Daddy but you’re gone now. You’ve left your angel to fight for her self. I’m not strong enough Dad. I’m not capable to do it without you, you mean the world to me and words can’t describe how I feel. All those days we had are in the past, no more stories to be created together, this is the end of the book. This is the end of mine and your story. Where am I going to get my support hugs from, I wasn’t prepared to let you go”. At this point the tears were streaming down my face as if all the water in my body was leaving me. “Daddy just wake up already, tell me this is a dream and wake me up with your hugs. Cuddle me and never let me go no matter what. I need your hugs. I have never felt so empty, why do I have to feel like this. Please come back to me already, I’m not ready for you to leave me Daddy, Daddy I’m not ready” I didn’t care by now I was crying aloud. My cries must have been loud as Dr. Ravenswood appeared beside me. I was still holding his hand, I didn’t want to let go. “Sami you should go now, you don’t look like you can take anymore, you should go and get some rest sweetie, come on come with me” he said reaching for me. I couldn’t take it; I gave my Dad one last squeeze and kiss knowing that, that would be the last time I would be able to touch him. This would be the end of Sami and Cole from now on it will just be Sami. I did what I always did when I was upset I ran. I ran out of the morgue and straight down the hall in which I came and out the exit. James and the doctor weren’t far behind. I wasn’t stopping for no one, not until I was in my safe place. I ran and got into the nearest empty taxi. Me and the driver were in silence, I was great full for the fact he weren’t one of those chatty cabbie drivers. When we pulled up I told him to wait, I went in and got some money to pay the taxi driver. Once I handed him his money I headed back for the house. I went straight past my room and went straight to my Dad’s room. I placed the envelope down on his bed and went to put his clothes on. I found his favourite tracksuit jumper and bottoms and put them on. I smelt of my Dad as he had recently worn them, it felt as if he had never left. I took my shoes off and started to head down to the beach with the envelope in hand.
I got down to the beach and found an already made fire; it was one that me and my Dad had built earlier on that week. I set it alight so it could burn throughout the night, it would keep me company tonight. I went and sat in my Dad’s armchair and tucked my feet up. I had a good light so I could read the letters he wrote. On the front of the A4 envelope read:
“To my angel”
I felt the tears begin to start but I fought them back with great difficulty. Today has been a very long day; I kept asking myself will I ever get to sleep tonight. I began to open the envelope and found 8 letters in envelopes and a post-it note inside. The post-it note had all the important numbers I would need, the funeral directors number, bank details, transfer numbers and people I may need to get in touch with. I was surprised I saw my mum’s number on there; I haven’t spoken to her in 5years. I looked through the envelopes and they had the days of the week on all except one. The odd letter said ‘open me first’. I began to open the envelope and pulled 2 sheets out of it. The letter read:
27th December 2011
Dear Sami,
If you’re reading this then I am no longer with you anymore and I’m sorry for that angel. I couldn’t hold on any longer. I hope we made it passed your birthday and I was there to see you blow out your 18 candles. Angel I didn’t know how I was going to tell you, I wanted to be strong for you. You’re a smart girl you would have figured it out and pieced it all together. I hope you see the reason behind this. I don’t think I could of told you, I mean how do you tell a daughter that their Dad has got cancer and has not even half a year to live, I’m so sorry princess. The time we spent together was magical and the girl you have turned out to be would make any father proud. I am gonna miss the long walks on Fridays and the films you would choose. It reminds me of when we first moved in, we were in the cafe and you asked if we could go for a walk on the beach. I said “course angel, and hey what about from now on every Friday without fail we have a walk on the beach or sit on the decking and then watch a film” you answered straight away and since then we haven’t missed a day, you should be proud.
Listen, go easy on Dr. Ravenswood will you I know your probably thinking the old sod could of told you but don’t be mad at him, he told me to tell you but I couldn’t and I told him not to say a word. Angel I have also asked someone else from the hospital to help you get through this. He has had a trauma of his own and I helped him, now its time for him to help me. He is a really great lad. He has decided that he is leaving the hospital and is going to find something else to do. He decided that when I am gone and he takes care of you he will be able to find the time and find himself a new job. He’s only 2 years older than you and he’s a paramedic. His name is James Evans you have already probably met him as I asked him to help you soon as they got the call from you. I have asked him to stay at the house in the spare room for a couple of months, he has already got a key and will be round the day I’m gone. But if you don’t want him to be around just tell him and he will understand. You probably think I have had this planned for ages and thinking if I can plan all this I could of told you, but I wanted to have a plan for you I wanted to know that someone will be there to keep you on track. Princess it was you who kept me going, so far I don’t know how many days or weeks I have lived for after this letter but I hope it was long enough to see you become the woman I taught you to be. Listen don’t stop singing don’t let this get you down, you remember my story don’t you, remember everything I said to you as it will come in handy. I have also wrote 7 other letters for you one for everyday of the week, whenever you are feeling down just read the letter and I hope it will make you feel better. You really are my angel.
Lots of love Daddy
P.S miss you already
What could I do, I just placed the letter back into the envelope and added it to the rest of them. I put back all the letters into the A4 envelope and placed it down by my side. Who was I kidding there was no way I was going to get any sleep. I kept my eyes on the sea, the tears had stopped for now but they would start up at any minute. I heard someone coming from the house heading in my direction. For some reason I still expected to see my Dad walk down but course it wouldn’t be. It was James, the man I met and the man that my Dad has asked to help me get through this. “If you want me to leave all you have to do is say the word go” James voice was so soft. It warmed me a little in a way that made me feel like I wasn’t alone. My world has just come crumbling down and here he is to piece it all together. “Stay” I replied. I really did want him to stay he has help so much in the past couple of hours, I would really like his company.
I was still gazing down at the waves. They were just crashing against the sand bed. It was so calming when it pulled all the water back. When the water was being pulled back it looked as if the water was being drained away. James pulled up my armchair and placed it beside me. I was glad I didn’t have to spend the night alone, it gave me comfort. James lent over and took my hand in his. “Your Dad was an amazing man; he helped me through a tough time and gave me the support I needed. You were lucky to have him because if he can support me in that way, then the way he supported you must have been far greater. He had everything planned your Dad. When he asked me to help him out I was honoured that he trusts me with his angel. I’m here for you. Ill always be here don’t forget that,
urm your Dad gave me this” he said whilst putting his hand in his pocket and pulling out a blue envelope. “Here” he said handing it to me. “I don’t want to read anymore letters, I don’t think I can”. I was beginning to cry again and I really didn’t want him to see this all over again. “Urm I am going to go for a walk”. I headed over towards the waves.
Its a lot to take in at this age, the person that has been taking care of you on there own for such along time means the world to you. When they’re gone its hard to deal with it, you feel left alone. The sand felt good under my feet, it felt like home. I glanced back in the direction I came and saw James; he was just looking at me. Once he realised I saw him he looked away. In that moment I felt like I was going to get through this and with that the feeling went just as fast as it came. I made my way back up to the fire. I took steps slower, I was just thinking about what to say next. “Urm I’m going up to the house now, ill leave the back door open for you or are you coming up?” I tried to cover the sadness in my voice whether it was working or not I didn’t know. “Ill come up” James had a little bit of a smile on his face. We both kicked sand on to the fire to put it out; we weren’t aloud to keep any fire burning it was a health and safety issue. I started to head back up to the house minding my step, when I reached the top of the stairs onto the decking I froze. Just hours ago this was where I lost my father. I felt James arm on my shoulder and he helped me across the decking, I managed to get into the house without crying. I headed straight to my Dads room. James released his arm and headed in the same direction as me. My Dads and his room were side by side. When I reached his door I turned and faced James. “Thank you, for this” I said keeping my voice as normal as possible. “Its fine, sleep well Sami” he took me by surprise, he gave me a hug and almost instantly I hugged him back. He held tight for a while longer before releasing his arms; he leaned down and kissed my cheek. It warmed me up to feel contact with someone. It helped warm the hole in my heart. I made it into my Dad’s room and I couldn’t hold back, the tears began again. The room was filled with his scent, I just wanted him back. I made my way over to his bed and climbed into the opposite side to which he slept in. I saw my photo album on his bed side cabinet; I reached over and brought it to my lap and made my self comfortable. I began to look through it and saw that some were old and some were new. It made me think about when I was 13; it seemed like a long 5 years since then. But I look back and see how different things were then.
5 years ago
“Sami, angel are you awake?” he whispered while peering his head around the door. “Yes Daddy, I heard you and mum arguing again, what’s going on?” I asked him. He made his way to my bed and knelt down beside the bed. “Angel there’s no easy way to say this but urm I’m leaving for good and I’m not coming back” he replied. I could hear the regret in his voice. “I’m coming with you Daddy” I shot back. “No, angel you can’t okay” my Dad said backing away from my bed. “Yes Dad I can and I am. You always told me that it was me and you, you said it was the Sami and Cole story remember or was that all a lie?” I could feel the tears slowly falling down the side of my face. “No angel it wasn’t a lie”. “Then I’m coming, the story doesn’t end here Dad, I won’t let it”. I got out of bed and got dressed in to the nearest pair of clothes I could find. “Fine angel”. He walked out of the room and came back seconds later holding a black holdall. “Fill this up princess ill be back in 10 minutes”. He said whilst handing me the holdall and giving me a hug. I did as I was told and packed the holdall.
I was going to miss my old room, my Dad made my room look amazing. I had a walk-in wardrobe with most of my clothes, a massive bed with a memory foam mattress. I had a couple of things hanging from the ceiling; all my games were on shelves and my books all on a stand. My room was blue and pink so I guess you could say it was a bit of both. I had all the clothes I wanted gathered and packed in no time and with time to spare I thought I’d pack a few extra things that weren’t being left behind. I packed my 2 favourite books; great expectations by Charles Dickens and the Beatrix Potter selection. I placed them on top of the clothes making space for my other bits. I went and got my memory box from under my bed and my photo album from the drawer and also put them in the bag. Oh I almost forgot I needed to pack my favourite teddy bear. Look I may be 13 years old but come on its nice to have a little comfort every now and then and being an only child has its lonely moments. I had a few minutes spare so I decided to look for an old scrap piece of paper and write my mum a note. After I had written the note I re-read it to check it over, it read:
Mum,
I’m sorry about you and Dad, maybe it was for the best none of you are happy all you do is argue together. I have decided that I want to go with Dad where ever we go. I wasn’t going to let him walk out the door without me. I am sorry I chose him over you but it is how it is. I am a Daddy’s girl and always will be. Just face it mum he can never be replaced but you can. I understand that you are my mum but every kid favours one parent, sorry it weren’t you. I hope you can move on and make a new life for yourself. Sorry mum but this is goodbye.
Sami
P.S please don’t try and contact me, I don’t want to make it difficult to leave you and my life behind. I want to make a fresh start with Dad. So if you could thanks.
I left the note in the middle of my bed hoping she would find it in the morning. I did feel that the note I wrote was a bit harsh but it was true, she always thought she could replace Dad but she was wrong. I sat on the corner of my bed and waited for my Dad to come back. As I waited I admired my room. I never thought id be leaving this room or this house behind. I didn’t feel bad that I was leaving but I felt sorry for my mum, she would be alone in this house with no one too keep her company, well apart from grandma pat. But she is an old hag anyway so mum would still feel alone. I heard foot steps coming towards my room and then looked over to see my Dad standing in the door way.
“Got everything angel?” he asked. “Yup everything is packed” I replied. I gave him a reassuring look to show I really did pack everything I wanted. “Then lets go angel” he said taking a hold of my holdall. “Okay Daddy”. I gave him a smile and turned to shut my door. I had one last glace around and whispered goodbye. I shut my bedroom door quietly; I didn’t want mum coming to see what was going on, that would cause serious problems. I followed my Dad down the stairs and out through the front door towards his car. I climbed into the passenger seat and waited. My Dad went back to lock the door and put the bags inside the boot of the car. My Dad had at least 3 bags and 1 suitcase. He must have packed them a couple of days ago or even before he came to check on me. Anyway he came back minutes later and hopped in the driver’s seat. He gave me a wink and said “You ready angel?”
“Ready Daddy”. He adjusted his seat and that was it, the car started and we were off. I didn’t have a clue where we were going but I knew it would be far away from New Jersey. I waved goodbye as we drove through our neighbour hood, it was kind of sad because all my friends lived here and I went to school with most of them. I would make new friends and still have my old ones. When I knew where we were going I would text them to say my goodbye. That was the only downfall really; I have never been a new girl at a school before, well like my Dad always says there’s a first time for everything. This was it; it would just be me and my Dad from now on, a clean break. This was going to be one amazing adventure.
After a little while of driving I sort of lost track of where we were so by now I didn’t have a clue, we could have been in the middle of nowhere as far as I’m concerned. I began to make a conversation with Dad as it has been awkward in the car so far. “Dad is this going to be a new chapter in the Sami and Cole story” I asked. He took a quick glance at me and smiled. “Yes princess but it’s not only a new chapter it’s a new adventure and it’s got our names on it” he gave me wink again and turned his attention back to the road. “I love you Daddy”.
“I l
ove you to angel”. I decided I would take a nap as I was kept up with the arguing. I lent my head down onto the door and peered out of the window. I watched the different sceneries pass the window; it was dark outside but light enough to see the passing trees and buildings. It must have been about 1am I’m not sure, all I knew was I was tired and couldn’t be bothered to move. Looking out the window was very relaxing; it helped me drift off to sleep. I was thinking of where we would be heading but I was too tired to focus anymore. My Dad knew where he was going because he wasn’t as focused on the road as he would be if he didn’t know where he was going. My eyes began to hurt as I was fighting the sleep but I soon lost that fight. I ended up dreaming about the adventures me and my Dad would have and what we would do together. Time passed by while I was asleep well in my case anyone would have thought I’d been knocked out.
A couple days have gone by since we decided to pack up and leave my mum, but we still haven’t got to where we are meant to be. I am getting kinda tired of sleeping in different motels; I mean I thought we would be at where ever it was we were going. We are constantly on the road during the day; Dad seems to be getting a bit stressed from all the driving, we haven’t really spoke seeing as I am always asleep as I can’t sleep at the motels. So I haven’t even asked him where we are going. I’m getting bored of living out of my holdall, I hardly have any clothes with me and I have to wash all my clothes at the laundry mat, I have already had them washed twice. I really can’t wait until we finally get to where ever it is were suppose to be going. I understand Dad wanted to go far away but how far is far away, I mean almost 5 days on the road, we have got to be close. To be honest the reason why i don’t want to ask is because I do want it to be a surprise but I just don’t know how longer I can wait till I get to sleep in a proper bed. It has also got me thinking about the arrangements my Dad has made, its obvious that he has been thinking about this for sometime but hasn’t got up and left till now. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t part of the plan either. Thinking about that made me want to cry but I held it back knowing that was ridiculous and that I am and always will be my Daddy’s little girl. It’s Thursday night and we was still driving. I haven’t been able to sleep at the motels, they are just so uncomfortable. I felt so out of place there. I decided it couldn’t hurt if I fell asleep in the car. After all we have been in the road for about 6 days, when Dad decides to pull over at another motel he’ll just wake me up. I fell asleep quicker than I thought I would but oh well least I would be getting a decent sleep.
Just A Daddy's Girl Page 2
