I had the same reaction as the last time; I remember how the little good goblin was flung all the way across central park and fell into a hole. I couldn’t help but laugh I mean this film is so childish but yet I still find it amusing. The film was over pretty quick I thought, but when I looked at the time I realised that it was perfect timing it was just about to be 6:40, so maybe because I haven’t seen it in a long time it went so quick. I got up so I could stretch my legs, I had pins and needles which I hated having, my leg goes all tingly and I am unable to walk on it. I always look really special when I start to shake my leg. I had a little giggle as I wiggled my leg, it was so uncomfortable. “What. Are. You. Doing?” my Dad said looking at me with the face that said ‘you do realise you look like a fool’. “What, I have pins and needles let me be” I said laughing at his expression. Once my pins and needles were finally starting to fade I decided it would go quicker if I walked on it, so I got up from my seat and made my way to the kitchen. The food would take about 15 minutes to cook since it is already cooked. I put the oven on and put the food straight in. When I went back to the sofa I found Dad wasn’t there, instead he was on the decking. I couldn’t help but notice that he was bit out of it, despite the fact he is able to talk and not slurring his words like he does when he is tired but it’s as if he hasn’t got the energy to do anything. I thought that I would join him outside. Who’s to say our talking time couldn’t start now, I mean it hasn’t stopped us before. I walked outside not preparing myself for the rapid drop in temperature, Dad was already sorted and was wearing his green fleece, me on the other hand, I was wearing my thin hoodie. The temperature didn’t bother me after that it was just the chill when I first walked out. The sun would be setting right about now so I guess that’s why Dad was out, he loves seeing the sun go down as well as I do. There’s just something about it, it’s so final, especially when it’s on the water. I took the seat next to him and just looked at the sun; the way it just glistened on the water was beautiful. After the sun had gone from the sky I turned to my Dad and began to tell him about my day. “I got the pictures done” I looked at him till he replied; I could tell he was taking in the scenery. “That’s good, what does it look like?” he said after a while. I sat there and describe every little detail I could, so he could imagine it the way I saw it, I explained to him how I had to choose all the pictures I wanted and all the text I wanted to add, I described how they were all set out and how some were different sizes to make it creative. Once I finished describing every little detail I could I stopped. I mean if he could see what I see then he would see how amazing it looked. It had this old look to it on the cover, like what you see in the films when they show the old book except it was the photo albums I did. I started to hum because I was in a happy mood, I just felt so good, and maybe it was because I just watched my old childhood film. It bought back loads of old memories, memories I thought I forgot. I was humming Cheryl Cole—Say my name. It’s just too catchy. Dad turned to look at me and gave me a weak smile. I hated seeing him like this, so weak and helpless.
After a while I remembered the food would most probably be done by now. “Dad I’m gonna go in and sort the food out and then get changed quickly” I looked at him while he nodded. “Sami, you are my angel you know that right?” “Yeah Dad of course I know that, and I am a Daddy’s girl, always have and always will be” “I’m gonna miss you angel” he said with a smile on his face. I didn’t want to ask about why he just said that, he’s probably just tired. “Dad, I’m not going no where” I gave him a reassuring look, he must be feeling lonely. I do feel really bad as he’s been on his own apart from the few girlfriends but he has had none long term. I sort think I’m responsible for him not having a girlfriend since they all didn’t like the fact all of his attention was focused on me. “I know princess, but I do love you. Angel no matter what happens in life, we are all going to love and lose those people, but I want you to know that their will always be someone to pick you up when your down, always” he looked at me with his big brown eye, they looked so calm and collective, I mean like he had no care in the world. “I love you loads more Daddy. I will always have you Dad” I replied. “Do you want me to get you anything while I’m up?” I looked at him just to see that he was sure. “I’m fine angel. But remember life isn’t just black and white; it can be anything you want. Love is the same, you can’t hide it and you can’t stop it. I love you unconditionally remember that” I stopped and looked at him; I mean I took a good look at him. I take in the bags that hang loose under his eyes, I see the veins show in this hands and I see the worry and pain in his eyes, no matter how warm and brown they are. “I will always remember Dad” I finally got up from my seat and gave my Dad a hug and kiss and whispered to him “Dad, I’m not going anywhere I am staying right here!” I let go of him and went back inside to do what I had to do.
I went to the kitchen first to take care of the food, I took it all out of the oven and put it on the side to cool down, and we would have it a bit later. I got 2 plates out just so it would be sorted for when we came in. I made my way to my room so I could get changed into something a little warmer. I decided that I would put my thicker hoodie on and my fluffy socks, apart from that I was warm again. I remembered the blanket was on the side of the sofa so I could bring that out with me just in-case I get cold or Dad gets cold. It was weird how my Dad acted on the decking, it was like he feels lonely, and I don’t know where he got the idea of me leaving him. I am not moving out of this place till he asks me to but then again I have no need to move because this house is mine for when I am older if I want it. I don’t see why he thinks I’m going to leave him, where else will I go, I have nothing else for me anywhere. He knows that I am growing up and I am going to find a job but that don’t mean I am going to grow up and find a job that is far away from him that’s the complete opposite of what I want to do.
Its about 7 o’clock now give or take a few minutes but still, I headed out of my room making sure the light was of and door was shut, I didn’t want all the heat to let out of my room, I like to fall asleep in a warm room just like my Dad does, it’s just so comforting. I made my way through the living room picking up the blanket on the way out to the decking.
That’s where I found him.
The funeral
I just lie there. Relaying everything that happened the night before in my head like I’m back there, living it all over again. Feeling that same excruciating pain I felt last night. Why can’t it be a dream? Why has it got to be me? Why did it have to be him? Life is a bitch and I have realised this now. I have realise that not everything in life is what it seems, it shows that we are not in control of our future no matter what people say. I realised again that the tears are falling down the side of my face, wetting the pillow underneath my head. I mean what am I suppose to do; all of the signs were there, all the signs telling me he wasn’t okay. Why didn’t I ask? Why didn’t I go and find out from his doctor. I lay in bed asking myself the same things over and over again. But what good is this going to do? I am still going to be with out him no matter how hard I try and forget. I keep thinking back to our very last conversation, the words he said to me. At this moment all that I can wish for is my Dad to be here, be right beside me.
I got up and out of my bed and grabbed my dressing gown. I have no idea what I plan on doing; I mean how am I meant to carry on? I slip my feet into my slippers and wipe my eyes before making my way to my door.
I walk out of my room to the living room only to find him there. That guy James from last night. The one that my Dad has sent to look after me, and even though I said yes for him to stay, Why did my Dad ask him of all people. Why didn’t he ask Zeke and why not Leanne. Well I guess I answered my own question then, they would have told me, and they would have never kept it from me. They would have told me and would have stopped me feeling like this. Instead it was a big secret that I wasn’t aloud to know, I wasn’t allowed to know that my own fathe
r was dying and that I wasn’t there to give him the full attention he needed. James looked up from what he was doing and looked at me through his blue eyes. I never noticed before but he has the weirdest genes ever, not in a bad way but you would never find someone with black hair just like mine but with deep sea blue eyes. He looked at me for a while longer before saying “You feeling okay Sami?” and just like that I was off again, I don’t know what he did or said but I found my self beginning to cry again. “I just lost my whole world, so I don’t know how I am meant to be feeling. I feel like my heart has just been ripped out of my chest and I no longer have that one man to help put it back” my voice was doing it again, my body is stopping me from speaking, stopping me from telling the person in front of me just how I am feeling. Where I was leaning on the door before, I slowly slid down till I was on the floor, with my knees tucked up and my face buried beneath my hands. James put down what ever it was he was doing and came over to me, but he didn’t sit down next to me. He lifted me up from where I was and wrapped his arms around me. “Shhh, come on I’m sorry. Shhh, it will be okay I promise” James kept a hold of me and kept me in his arms. Even though his voice was calming, it still didn’t stop the way I normally feel. “Do you want to go outside and get some fresh air and talk about it?” James suggested. I nodded my head in response. We made our way outside to the decking and sat on the opposite side to where everything happened. We went and sat on the little swing chair. I got seated first before James sat down beside me. I just stare at the same place it all started, the moment where my world came crumbling down. I looked away trying not to relive it again. I already lived it once this morning. Instead I turned all my attention to sea, the deep blue waves crashing on top on one another with out a care in the world, I watched how the white foam from the sea settles on the sand while the waves keep going in and out leaving the sand wet and in seconds looking dry again only to repeat the same pattern over and over again. I looked across at James only to find him looking directly at me, like all his attention is focused on me. I take a deep breath and collected all my bearing’s before I spilt my guts out to some guy I hardly know. Here it goes. “Its hard to believe he’s gone you know, it was such a shock. I mean I should of seen it coming, I kept asking him if he was okay and I should of known he wasn’t. I am his daughter after all I saw all the signs that said he wasn’t well but I just waved it away. I knew he was hiding something from me, I knew it but I didn’t try hard enough, I didn’t get him to tell me. I wanted to wait till he was ready to tell me. I just want him back; I want him here with me right now. When I left him last night to go inside he said to me that he will miss me, it was like he knew he was going to slip away. Yesterday I let him pick a film, any film he wanted and you know what he picked?” I looked at James again giving him a moment to take in all that I have said before continuing. “He picked my favourite childhood film not only was it my favourite film it was the same film we watched when we started to do Sami and Cole Friday’s. When I asked him why he picked this film he just replied ‘why not’. I just feel so bad, like it’s my fault, I mean if I hadn’t of left him I could have kept him holding on for longer, I wouldn’t have left him to die alone. When you asked me earlier if I was okay you reminded me of how I felt last night. I don’t know what to feel, I seriously don’t. He was all I had since I left my mother and her family years ago. He’s the only world I have known and now here I am forced to live it alone. I don’t know how to take care of a house; I don’t know how to do anything anymore. I just don’t want to disappoint him.” I finally got it all out, although it doesn’t change how I feel about my Dad being gone, I feel better knowing that I have someone to share all my feelings with. I mean that’s what he’s here for. Even though I was still crying they weren’t as heavy as they were this morning. “Sami, it’s not your fault okay, don’t ever blame yourself, you hear me?” he took his hand and wiped my tears away, he moved my face so I was looking at him in his eyes. “Listen to me, it weren’t your fault and it wasn’t your Dads fault. It could not be helped, your Dad didn’t plan on getting cancer, it could have happened to anyone but it didn’t and I’m sorry that it affected your Dad. I wouldn’t have wished it upon anyone especially not your Dad” “But why did it have to be him, he’s a good man, he was healthy I just don’t understand why it happened to him” I shot back. “Sami, things happen for a reason, sometimes we will never know the reason why but things do happen. Look at me, I promise you we will get through this, we will get through it together” he pulled me closer and gave me another hug. “Thank you” I whispered. I don’t know what I am feeling or what I plan on doing after this but I know for now, this moment in time I just want to stay here and gaze at the sea. I pick my feet up and tuck them towards me and leaned my head down on James’ legs instead of his chest and got comfortable. I felt James’ hand on my face and he moved my hair from my face. I can feel him start to rub my temple better, it’s very relaxing and I found that my tears were beginning to stop. As I look on at the sea, I feel like I have released so much tension. I realised that last night I got no sleep what so ever and with-out me even knowing, that was it I was off to sleep on James’ lap.
I woke up hours later only to find that I have been bought back to my bed and have been tucked in. I noticed that my pillow was still a bit wet but it wasn’t from this morning it was from earlier on today when James put me back in here. I could hear that the TV is on in the living room, so I figured James would still be up. I venture out of my room only to find James is asleep on the sofa. I decided not to wake him but instead I just lay the blanket over him hoping that he would be warm enough for the night. I went to the back doors to make sure they were locked but it seems like James already beat me to it. I make my way quietly into the kitchen and poured myself a drink. When I saw a plate left in the sink I just remembered I haven’t eaten since yesterday but the thing is I am still not hungry.
I feel kind of empty inside but I know it’s not because I haven’t eaten it’s because I feel lonely.
I made my way back to my room not disturbing James when I got to my room. I climb back into bed and placed my drink on the side. I just laid there in bed thinking.
How am I going to tell everyone?
What am I suppose to do from here?
How will I handle everything?
What about the funeral?
All these questions that I have no answer too.
If only Dad was here.
I finally got myself back to sleep but it wasn’t long before I kept waking up and found myself crying again. No matter how hard I tired my Dad always seemed to be in my head.
When I woke up in the morning it was the same as yesterday, my pillow is wet from all the tears I shed the night before. I don’t know how I am going to get through this but it seems that everyday that has passed so far I just feel even lonelier. I don’t feel like myself no more. I have gotten used to the same routine for the last 5 years and now it has all changed. My feelings towards life have changed. I find myself asking questions that I would never ask. Maybe all of this is my fault. By now everybody probably knows, I mean they probably guessed seeing the ambulance. The doctors probably would have said something but I know people know. I don’t think I will be able to tell Zeke or Leanne. They will just have to find out for themselves.
This time instead of going into the living room I think I’m going to have a shower first. I think a shower will do me good and come to think of it I never got round to having one yesterday so I think that would be a wise choice. I laid my clothes out on the bed before getting into the shower. I just stood in the shower cubical for half hour before I finally figured now would be a good time to get out before I start to shrivel up like a prune. As I step out of the shower and dry of, I took a long look in the mirror. I can see that I haven’t been able to sleep, the bags under my eyes are visible and my bright green eyes are no longer so bright they are more like a faded green. I looked
away from the mirror, I have a feeling I will be looking like this for a while. But I think I’m entitled to, I mean I have lost my Dad for crying aloud so if anyone tells me I need to get a grip they are laughing. Let them try and be in my shoes, let them feel how I am feeling. Let them feel how my heart is breaking and how hot I feel inside knowing this pain is not going away. I realise this time I’m not crying, I’m furious for the fact that I am here in this position. Why me?
I got out of the bathroom knowing I needed to cool down, and get dressed into my clothes. My hormones are all over the place and I am just so confused on what emotions I should be feeling. I have never lost anybody close to me. I have never had this grieving conversation with my dad. Who do I have to turn too, I know Zeke and Leanne haven’t lost anyone close to them and the people that died along their family they didn’t even know them. They share everything with me, but I’m not sure I can share this with them. I finally got dressed into the clothes I laid out earlier and found my slippers. My hair is just a mess but to be honest I don’t care. All I feel like doing is moping around the house but then what’s that going to do?
I get to the living room and find James where I left him last night except he has changed his clothes and is no longer asleep. “How did you sleep?” I say. I was shocked by how normal my voice sounded. That was the first thing I have said on my own account. “I slept fine, thanks for last night” he gave me a nod and a weak smile. He was thanking me for putting the blanket on him last night, well it’s the least I could do I mean he picked me up and carried me off to bed so it’s the least I could do. For today I planned just to sit about and do nothing I mean what is there for me to do now that my life seems actually pointless. The only reasons I’d wake up in the morning’s was to have a conversation with my Dad or even just to give him a big hug cause he was here. But now he’s not, instead I have James here and that’s not the same I can’t exactly go over and give him a hug and tell him everything. He’s here because he owes my Dad and he’s here because my Dad asked him to be. I dropped that thought quickly as I could feel my temperature rising again, I didn’t like to think about who knew before me, it was bad enough I had to find out after he died. I made my way in to the kitchen and took a seat at the island. I poured my self a cup of coffee then took my seat once again. In the end I let the coffee go cold, my mind was somewhere else. James came in and emptied the dish washer. I felt kind of bad watching him do this, I mean this is my house after all I should be the one doing all of this not him and yet I cant bring myself to do anything. I left James in the kitchen and sat down on the sofa and wrapped myself up in the blanket and began to flick through random shows.
Just A Daddy's Girl Page 9
