After I finished my toast I made my way to my room and decided to have a long shower, anyway I had time to kill. We didn’t have to be there till 11:15 and its only 8:30. But by the time I got in the shower it was about 8:45. I ended up being in the shower for over half an hour. It was so relaxing and it gave me loads if time to think. I had the whole ceremony planned out in my head and how it was going to go; I think it’s what my Dad would have wanted. I didn’t plan to have a get together afterwards; I don’t think I was up for it. Once I was out of the shower and dry I decided to get dressed in the black dress my Dad bought me a little while back, it seemed perfect. Besides he bought it for me and I would really like to wear it because of that. I just blow dried my hair and left it natural as always. I decided to leave it down it was just below my waist now, I haven’t had the chance to get it trimmed but it doesn’t really need it since I don’t ever style it. I was ready by 10:15 and was in the living room waiting for James. James was wearing his black tuxedo with his black tie, he looked very smart. “You ready?” he gestured towards the door. I took a deep breath and nodded. James was dealing with the carries of my Dad’s casket; he knew what time they were arriving so he would let me know nearer the time. James was driving which was probably the safest bet seeing how we both don’t know how this day is going to turn out.
We arrived at the church right on time; I got out of the car and waited till James parked the car. I waited for James that way we could go in together; I really didn’t want to do this on my own. It was something about the church that made me start to feel uneasy. I think the realisation of where I actually was just hit me. I could feel my eyes start to water for the first time in a few days. I held them back, no way was I going to cry now, I am so close and I am not going to ruin this day for my Dad. James hand was on my waist which gave me the support I needed. He would be my rock for today and for many days to come. We began to walk down the isles in the church until we reached the Alter where the priest was. We sat and spoke to the priest and spoke about how the service would start. We would let the priest start the ceremony and then once the priest is finished we will have the speeches where I will speak and a few other close friends of my Dad would speak as well. After a while people started to fill up the church and I had people come up to me and give their condolences. I finally saw Leanne enter the church with Zeke, Zeke had the same jealous look he had as before as he saw James hand around my waist. I wasn’t going to be bothered with him if he was going to be like this. If he doesn’t like that fact James is here then he can go, James if here because my Dad asked him too and he is giving me support. I have only seen the pair of them once since this happened I don’t see them offering support. I cleared all the bad thoughts and focused on today and the ceremony. Once everyone was seated we waited a few more minutes to see and wait if any more people were to turn up. Once we were sure that was it, the ceremony began.
The music I selected began to play it was dance with my father again by Luther Vandross. I remember me and my Dad dancing to it when I was younger and it’s true I really would like to dance with my Dad one last time. As the white casket came down the isle and was placed on the table all I could do was just watch. I had hold of James hand and kept my hand tight around his. He must of sensed how I felt because he squeezed my hand and took it in both of his. Once the priest began to speak the music was killed out and it finally began. The priest read out selected parts of the bible and spoke about my father. We all rose as a church when we began to sing the hymns we had selected. Everyone sang in perfect harmony and I’m sure we did Dad proud. After that the priest said a couple more things before he handed the rest of the ceremony to me. I took another deep breath before I got up and made my way to the pedestal.
I glanced around the church as saw many faces that I remembered along with many new faces. They were all here for one reason. They were here for my Dad. I took a deep breath before I started my speech. “Were all gathered here today at this church to say a goodbye and farewell to Cole Myers. Cole Myers was a great man, and to see so many of you here today shows me how easy he was to get along with and what a good friend he was. To me my Dad was my mother all in one. It has just been me and him for many years and he has been the only family I have ever needed. I felt loved and cared for every moment of the day even when we had our ups and downs. I guess you could say he was my best friend too. He has always been there for me and I can not think of a time where he hasn’t. We had a day where we would dedicate that whole time to spend with one another, we would catch up, and we would talk and sing and laugh about what we have been up to. Ever since we started to do that we haven’t missed a day in 5 years. He has supported me through everything. My Dad was a good man and worked towards what he wanted in life, he never missed an opportunity. He had a great personality and was very lovable, he was your normal American Dad except one thing he was my Dad. I will never forget what he has told me. He always said to dream big and follow the dream no matter where it takes you. As some of you know my Dad loved to sing, we would always sing during our time together and even randomly on the beach in some cases. He always gave me advice to help boost my performance and my confidence. I thought today would be perfect to show how I have listened to his wise words so know I am going to sing his favourite song sang by R.Kelly which is called I believe I can fly. He always said that when I sing I should add my own twist on to make it sound more like me and to make the song my own. I just hope I can make him proud” I took another deep breath before reaching for the mic. I took one last breath and began to sing. The lyrics where just leaving my mouth as if I was on play. I was making the song mine, each word as it came out, came out as me. I felt connected to the song in a way I have never felt before. There was emotion there and it couldn’t be hidden, all the things I have been feeling these past few days just came out in the song. When the song came to an end I tried to catch my breath, I felt s proud of myself, and I really hope my Dad would be impressed. They applauded after I was done and I had a rush of energy that I didn’t know what to do with. It felt weird doing the song without him but in a good way like I achieved what he wanted me to do, like he wanted me to put all the emotion in the song and I did.
I made my way down from the podium and took my seat beside James, and took his hand again. I started to feel upset again like I did that night he died. I sat and listened to a few of my Dad’s friends while they made there speeches, some were some moments they shared and it was nice to hear how my Dad acted when he was around his friends. I felt a bit better knowing I wasn’t the last person to know he had cancer. After the last person spoke the priest took over so we could carry on with the next part of the ceremony. The carriers came over to the casket and began to carry the casket to the slot that I picked out for my Dad. It wasn’t near the road it was in a quiet spot near all the flower beds. We all rose and followed the carriers outside. We were allowing them time to get the casket into place. With every step I took the feeling in the pit of my stomach was getting stronger. The sun was shining bright and all the flowers were in season, lighting up the courtyard.
When we got there we all stood around the slot and waited for the priest to begin again. Once again the feeling in my stomach was getting bigger and by now I could feel the tears slowly start to fall down my face as if they have been there for a long time. The tears that I haven’t shed in the past couple of days have finally caught up with the demand. They were getting heavier with every minute that past. It hit me even more as they began to lower the casket down, this would be my last goodbye. I bowed my head and closed my eyes and tried to think of so many happy memories at once to block out this moment in time, but it wasn’t working they all kept on coming back to this, back to the night I found him and the night in the hospital. I was trying so hard not to let everyone see but what did they expect. I have nothing to hide, my Dad is gone and he is finally getting put to rest and here’s me alone with out him. I wrapped my arms around myself and held on
tight. The tears were getting harder to control and after a while I gave up, there not stopping. I can’t make them stop. I wasn’t up for the gathering back at the church, it was a flight or fight situation and I’m not strong enough to fight. Even though James was by my side I still knew I couldn’t do it. “I’m sorry, I can’t do this”. I did it again. I did what I always did. I ran. I couldn’t stay here any longer. I made a run for it out of the church grounds, making sure I didn’t step on any graves as I ran through. I remembered that James bought us here so I would have to go home by foot. But that doesn’t bother me, what bothers me is being here. I kept running until I was unable to no more, I wasn’t out of breath when I stopped; I just wanted to have some time to think. As I walked I couldn’t get the images of my Dad out of my head, they just kept appearing one after one another.
A couple of hours ago you would of looked at me and said I am coping and handling it very well, but know, I don’t know. All the feelings I blocked out before the funeral have all come running back and I don’t know how to feel. I must have been walking for no longer than an hour before I reached home. I was still crying but they weren’t as heavy as they were at the funeral. I had my sunglasses on so no-one could see my puffy eyes. I knew with-out looking my eyes would be all blood shot; they normally do after I have been crying for a long period of time. When I got into the drive James’ car was no where in sight. Once I got into the house I went straight to my room. My emotions switched on me in seconds. I was no longer upset, I was angry. I have been left here on this earth with-out my Dad and I have no reason why. What did he do that was so bad that he deserved to die? He was a good man and didn’t do anything wrong. I couldn’t look at anything in my room; everything was mainly what he bought me. I don’t think I would have ever predicted what I did next. Everything was on my desk one minute and the next minute it was scattered all across the floor. All my notes pages and photo frames were on the floor along with my jewellery box and everything in it. I ended up pulling the picture frames from the wall, and made sure nothing was visible in my room.
James must of just got home as in seconds later he was appearing in my room. He was trying to stop me from causing anymore damage. “Leave me alone” I said firmly. “Sami, please calm down, everything’s going to be okay” he said while taking a step closer, minding everything that was on the floor. “No, everything’s not going to be okay, how can you say that? You don’t know me; you don’t know what I was like before all this. Everything in my life seemed perfect; I mean I had all the family I could ever ask for but now, now that has been taken away from me. My Dad didn’t deserve to die you don’t know what it was like to have my Dad around 24/7. You weren’t here to see how close we were. He was all I had. We left my mum 5 years ago; she’s gone and no longer part of my life. So who do I have now? You can’t help me. You don’t even want too be here, you only here because my Dad asked you to be here and you didn’t want to disappoint a dying man” I immediately stopped after that, I knew I crossed the line no matter what. Here I am ranting and raving at the one person who has been beside me and it shouldn’t matter if he was asked or not he’s still here. “James I’m sorry, I shouldn’t” he waved it away and just looked at me. I could tell I really hurt his feelings. He was only trying to help and I know that. “Don’t worry about it” he looked at me once more before turning to leave. “James” he didn’t even bother to turn around he just kept walking and shut the door behind him.
I just stood there and thought about what I just did. I just pushed away the one person who is here to help me. I know he’s not only here because my Dad asked him too. He’s here for me as well. He has helped out around the house and has taken care of me but he wouldn’t go to so many lengths if he didn’t want to help. Plus I don’t think he would have been so hurt by what I said. It still doesn’t make it right to go around having a go at the people who are trying to help. But that’s me, it’s what I do. I push those closest to me away, it’s like I don’t want their help but the truth is I always want their help I just don’t know how to act when I feel like this. My mood changed again I was no longer the angry, annoyed me, I was the emotional me that wants to sit and cry for hours on end. I just sat back on the floor and cried again. What else was I supposed to do? I had my knees tucked up to my face and my head buried between my knees. I blocked out everything around me and just focused on what I was thinking. So this is what its like to feel alone.
For the Thursday’s of every week to come
Dear Sami,
So you’re having a bit of a rough day huh? It can’t be that bad you cant try and get yourself through it. You always do. Every day you are going to face new challenges and every challenge is going to have its ups and downs. Some of the challenges you face will make you feel like you have no where to turn and that you are unable to do anything without making that current situation worse. But you know what, forget about it. Do something wrong, learn from it., remember the mistake and try again. I grantee that at some point you will get it right. Sami, you are a bright, beautiful girl and you get any where you want. You have the ability to do anything. Your voice is out standing, every time I heard you sing you literally bought tears to my eyes. Angel, you are perfect and you don’t even know it.
Remember I love you and nothing can change that, I am never very far just look into your heart and you will find me, beating along side you. Ill always be right next to you.
For the Thursday’s of every week to come
Daddy xx
James view
Cole was always telling me about Sami and how she was his angel and when he described her it did sound like she was one. He told me that she had the greenest of green eyes, ones that shone like emeralds, he told me that she had dark brown hair that might as well be black and it fell near enough down to her waist. He said that she had the clearest face with the odd freckles here and there. You could tell just by the way he spoke about her that he loved her more than anything and that she was his world. The way he described her gave me an image, I held that image in my head knowing I will meet her someday but not under the circumstances I wanted to. Unfortunately I had to meet her after Cole passed away. It’s sad really; Cole was a good man and a great friend and will be missed. The last time I saw Cole he asked me if I would take care of Sami for him and I couldn’t refuse. I owe Cole, and if I could do anything for him I would. I said yes, because I wanted to help him the same way he helped me. I don’t know how she felt about me staying at the house with her but I would try my best to make her feel okay and be there for her. I really do want to help her.
The night I first met her was the day when Cole passed away, we were called to help her. I went along with the team and wanted to see what kind of state she was in. When I saw her, it was heart breaking. When I got a glimpse of her eyes I could she how bright they were but they were also very blood shot, she was still crying. Apart of me wanted to go straight to her and tell her everything but I wanted to wait till she got the letter. She was on the floor watching us as we sorted out her Dad. It must have been hard for her to see him like this, I mean she had no clue what was going on with him and know this. This could break anyone. She came to the hospital with us once we were done. I officially met her later on that evening but when I did she was completely different. She was so quiet and calm, considering what happened earlier. When she came to the hospital with me she was so fragile. She spoke to her father’s doctor and he filled her in on everything she needed to know. Later after they finished talking she went and saw her Dad, and that’s where she cracked. I don’t think it could have got any worse I mean she literally ran out of the hospital. She didn’t even look at me or the doctor when she ran. So when I came back to her house later I found her on the beach. She had the envelope by her side and I could tell she read it by the way she responded to me. I gave her the Will that her Dad left for her. After that I just sat with her and I watched her as she went for a walk on the
beach. She was just so lost in her own world that I couldn’t help but just look at her. I looked at her and thought she has a long life ahead of her; she’s just turned 18 and hasn’t got a clue. She now has no one to be her guider. I mean what help am I going to be, I am only 2 years older than her and even then I am still trying to find my way. I no longer want to be a paramedic I want to do something else with my life. That’s another reason why I said yes to helping Cole. I was hoping Sami and I could help one another.
At the time all I could think of was how am I supposed to help her? Cole was there for me when I needed him to be but I kept asking myself how am I going to be there for her. What am I supposed to do that will make her realise I am not going anywhere? It’s difficult to help those who need it when you don’t know what to do. I just kept going over everything Cole did for me and just thought about what I should do to help Sami. By what Cole told me she is a very intelligent girl but he also said she isn’t sure on what she wanted to be yet. I have no idea what I am meant to help her work towards. Maybe that’s it; maybe Cole wanted me to help her find what she wants to do. I also know she likes to sing. Its one of the many things she and Cole did together. I just hope I can be the help she needs like Cole thought I would be.
The last couple of days that I spent with her have shown me how alike she and her father were. I spent the past 3 years with Cole I mean he has helped me get this far. I graduated school early and was able to get my degrees early. You could say I’m a mini genius but I would have never made it this far if it wasn’t for Cole’s help, he steered me in the right direction and made sure there was always a path for me to take. He always told me how his daughter Sami was always very level headed. He said she has confidence to a certain level but gets put down easy. He also said how she cares for people that are less fortunate and will always put others before her. These things helped me as I wanted to be like her, be like the daughter he was describing to me. I wanted to help others so I guess that’s why we pushed towards me being a paramedic; I don’t get shy around blood so this would be a good thing for me. Spending these past few days with her have reminded me of how Cole and I were. The day after Cole died me and Sami sat outside on the decking and she just let it all out. How she was feeling, I sat and listened as her emotions changed with-in seconds and how she was still trying to process what’s just happened. Even though I have only known her a few days it feels like I have known her a lot longer. The way she acts round me feels normal, her little moments where she needs a hug she will just hug me spontaneously and I wouldn’t mind. It’s like I can keep her safe from everything when I hug her and that’s all I seem to want to do, I just want to keep her safe. I don’t want her to feel like this, I don’t want her to act like I did. I had Cole to help me turn my life around. I’m not Cole, I can’t help her the way he helped me. It was just who Cole was he didn’t know me when he tried to help me. I realise that Sami and Cole are one of the same you can tell they are daughter and father just how by they act. They both have the same qualities but yet are so different in many other ways. Seeing Sami these past couple of days have been heartbreaking and I have tried to be there for her in everyway I can. I helped plan the funeral for Cole and I helped sort out all the financial business along with the Will that he left her. I also have been up before her in the mornings and made sure she is okay and always ask her how she sleeps. I mean there has been a few times where she has fallen asleep on me or even on the sofa and on those occasions I took her too bed and made sure she was comfortable for the evening. I just wanna make her feel like she can trust me. I guess it’s all about building that trust.
Just A Daddy's Girl Page 11
