Amy delved into the grocery bag he extended toward her. “Yay!” she shouted.
Caitlin reached his side more decorously, though her heart was skipping ahead. He grinned. “For us there’s steak. Do you like steak?” He hesitated, furrowing one eyebrow. “Do you know how to make it?”
She laughed. “Slap it in a pan and turn on the stove. Actually, I have a barbecue out back, if you want to brave the cold.”
“Now that’s something I can do. This coat is impenetrable.”
Amy was already inside the house, still giggling over her treat. Caitlin met Parker’s eyes. “I just came from Dakota’s.”
He held very still, waiting, his eyes intense.
“She wasn’t very happy to see me, but Madeline’s fine.”
“How did Dakota look?”
“Sleepy. I think I woke her up. I don’t know who sleeps at this time of day. Maybe she got a new job we don’t know about.”
He shook his head. “She does that sometimes. Takes something in the morning and sleeps all afternoon.”
“Something as in drugs?”
He nodded.
Caitlin felt his worry; it poured off him as strongly as his desire for her the night before. “Well, Madeline’s okay for now, and we’re working on the rest. Come on. Let’s go fire up the grill.”
• • •
Out on Caitlin’s tiny back deck, Parker stood before the barbecue grill, struggling to recapture the happiness he’d felt at being with Caitlin again. Yet after hearing about Dakota, his thoughts kept going to Madeline. Weekends were the best party times in Dakota’s view. He’d usually taken Madeline during most weekends, though officially the agreement was every other week, so what would Dakota do with Madeline now?
He reached for the spatula and flipped over the steaks. His breath curled white into the cold air. “How’re they coming?” Caitlin asked, slipping through the partially open glass door.
He smiled at her appearance. She’d changed from her customary suit to black pants and a snug cream-colored top. Her hair was down, and she looked so inviting that it was all he could do to remain moping at the grill. “Nearly there. Just a bit more on that first side again.”
She looked out over her small backyard, which was still an expanse of dirt, the moonlight reflecting from her blue eyes. She was beautiful. But he realized he needed to keep his distance. After last night, he couldn’t trust himself not to kiss her and scare her away. Every instinct told him they had something special, but his mind knew that was not the way it worked. If he wanted more with Caitlin, more than a few weeks of casual dating, he had to wait.
Wait until what? He wasn’t exactly sure. Wait until she fell in love with him? Until she was sure? Until the case was over?
Although his decision to wait had seemed so simple—even noble—last night and even this morning when he’d bought the flowers, now he was no longer sure. His hopes of proving to the world that Madeline was in danger were swiftly being shot down, and that brought him closer to acting. He must save Madeline one way or another, and for the moment that meant not letting things go too far with Caitlin. He didn’t want to hurt her. She wasn’t just a beautiful face anymore, but a woman whose every word thrilled him. A woman who tenderly took care of her sister, a woman who ferociously went after what she believed to be right. A woman with dreams that seemed as unattainable as his own. That was why he’d pulled back last night when she’d hesitated, and why he wouldn’t touch her now. She deserved more, but he couldn’t allow his growing feelings for her make him unwilling to do what might be necessary to save his daughter. He knew Dakota, and he knew what had happened in the past.
“Penny for your thoughts.” Caitlin’s arm brushed against him.
That if I kiss you again, I’ll never be able to leave you. He forced a grin. “My thoughts are worth way more than that. Actually, I was thinking about your lawn. I know a guy who delivers sod. Gather a few neighbors and in an afternoon next summer, you’ll have yourself a nice place for Amy to play.”
“I’ll ask you for his name then. Next summer.”
It wasn’t a question, not quite, but he wished more than anything that he could promise to be there to help, to arrange it all. He could lay the sod himself in a few hours. Instead he only said, “I think the meat is ready.”
“Great. Let’s go in.”
His thoughts were jumbled. This scene—a man, a woman, and Amy acting the child—was so . . . right, and yet wrong because Madeline wasn’t there. He ate quickly, wondering what he could do to get himself away. He’d been wrong to come here, wrong to assume he could pursue a normal relationship with a woman as classy and beautiful as Caitlin. There were too many consequences for both of them. He raked a hand through his hair.
“You’re going to pull all your hair out.” Amy grinned at him, much in the way that Madeline would have. His heart ached.
“Your phone,” Caitlin said. “Isn’t that your phone?”
He grabbed it quickly. “Hello?”
“Daddy?”
“Hi, baby. Are you okay?”
“Reese is crying and crying and Mommy’s in the bedroom. She won’t answer the door.”
“Okay, sweetheart, don’t worry. It’ll be okay. Just stay on the phone.” He covered the receiver. “It’s Madeline. Says her brother’s crying, and she can’t get Dakota to the phone.”
“You can’t go over there. We’ll have to call the police.” Caitlin reached for her phone. “Or at least Sally.”
Madeline was speaking again, and Parker tried to focus on what she was saying, but her words were abruptly cut off. There was a brief flurry of noise, the phone dropping to the floor, and then a terse woman’s voice. “Parker, is that you? I told you not to call here. You have no right!”
Parker thought quickly. He didn’t want to give Madeline away by admitting that she’d been the one to dial his number. “I wanted to talk to you,” he lied. “But Madeline said her brother was crying and that you weren’t around.”
“I was right here,” Dakota snapped. “What did you want?”
“To let you know there’s going to be a hearing tomorrow, about visitation.”
“I know, and I’m going to fight you on it.”
“Please, Dakota. I just want to see her. That’s all.”
“Leave us alone.” She hung up.
Parker stared at the phone a few seconds before shoving it back into his pocket.
“I’m sorry,” Caitlin said.
He shrugged. “It’s okay.” He looked at his nearly empty plate. “Look, Caitlin, thanks for letting me barge in, but I’ve got to go now.” He pushed back his chair and stood up quickly.
“You don’t have to go.” She stood with him, too close, driving his thoughts away from Madeline.
“Yes, I do.” He looked back and forth between Caitlin and Amy, who watched him with her wide green eyes. For a moment he wanted to weep for the woman Amy might have become. Or was it for himself and Caitlin? Definitely for Madeline. She was paying for his poor choices. If only he hadn’t been a rebellious idiot growing up. If only he’d been more like his big brother.
He shut his eyes briefly and then strode toward the door.
Caitlin hurried after him. “Parker, you can’t do anything about this. You can’t go over there. If you’re still worried, I’ll call Sally and have her send someone, but you have to remember the restraining order. If you have any hope of gaining visitation rights tomorrow, you must not violate that. I’m speaking as your attorney, and as your friend.”
“Friend?” He smiled, hoping that would take off some of the mockery he’d injected into the word.
“Yes,” she said softly.
They stood staring at each other for a long moment. Parker wanted to lose himself in her. He wanted a normal life.
He forced himself to look away, to open the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” His voice was gruff. Glancing back, he saw her nod, her lips slightly parted, her tongue wetting her bottom lip. Sh
e didn’t look at all like his lawyer. With a groan, he reversed his step, coming so close to her that they were almost touching. He kissed her, cutting off the kiss before she had time to respond properly. Knowing that if he held the contact a second longer, he wouldn’t be able to remember that he was first and foremost a father. Within seconds he was out the door and jogging to his truck, feeling Caitlin’s gaze following him.
He drove to Salt Lake and parked two blocks south of Dakota’s house, going on foot from yard to yard. The overgrown shrubbery with dead leaves still attached and the many evergreen trees lent themselves to subterfuge. Soon he was in the backyard, careful to keep to the far side and to not make any noise that would alert the dog next door. From his vantage point, he could look into the large kitchen window, glowing with warmth in the dark night. Madeline was at the table eating something. Her brother was in a high chair nearby. Dakota wasn’t in view, but he sensed movement off to the side.
The air was so cold it bit into his lungs, but that wasn’t what brought the tears to his eyes. He slumped against the huge trunk of a bare tree, weak with relief. She’s okay.
The sound of a car interrupted his thoughts. Probably the boyfriend. Sure enough, the new car Caitlin had told him about turned into the driveway, pulling to the side of the house where the garage should have been, if the owner had built one. He watched as the big man walked to the side door that led into the kitchen. It hurt to know that another man could be with his daughter when Parker officially couldn’t even talk to her.
In minutes he was back in his truck, but he didn’t start the engine. Looking out at the dirty remains of the snow, he cried.
Chapter 18
Parker smiled at Caitlin, wondering why he felt so nervous to see his daughter when it was all he’d been fighting for. The judge, after talking to Madeline and the child advocate, Mr. Reeve, had agreed to allow Parker three supervised visits a week with Madeline. “No time like the present,” the judge added at Caitlin’s question about when the visits could begin. Then he’d assigned Caitlin to be the supervisor for the first visit that would take place immediately in a room down the hall, though normal visits would occur at a different location with a regular facilitator, the cost of both to be paid by Parker.
As Madeline entered the room, Parker could hear Dakota shrieking in the hall. “He steals my baby and now he gets to—” The closing door cut off her remaining words.
Madeline ran to him. “Daddy!”
He’d never seen her smile so bright. “Madeline.” He held her close for a long moment, her little arms wrapping tightly around his neck. He drew her back to kiss her cheeks, then held her again more tightly, blinking furiously to stop the tears. He met Caitlin’s gaze over Madeline’s shoulder. She smiled and he nodded gratefully. She was right; this was better than nothing.
Madeline was talking and talking, telling him about her dream last night, about the new car she’d ridden in, and getting pulled over by the policeman for not being in a car seat. “Mommy was so mad,” she confided. “But the policeman was nice to me.” Then there was Reese and how he was finally learning how to hold a cup instead of his bottle. Her voice lowered. “But most of the time, he spills it on the floor.”
Parker let it roll over him, content to hear her voice, and understanding that the meaning wasn’t nearly so important as their being together. At the same time he was aware of Caitlin watching them and the fact that Dakota was outside the door, seething in fury. Well, privacy shouldn’t be as important to him, either. Not now.
He hadn’t counted on Madeline’s boredom. After ten minutes of nonstop talking, she asked, “Can we go see Grandma?”
“No, honey. We have to stay here at the courthouse today. Maybe next time we can work out something better. Maybe we could go sledding.” He shouldn’t have said that because the judge had been clear that he could see her only inside and closely supervised. Today Caitlin was responsible for making sure they didn’t take off, and even if she let them slip away, there was still Dakota standing guard at the door. He could see her angry face periodically in the tiny rectangular window next to the door.
Well, maybe his mother could supervise the next visit. She’d be far more lenient.
Staying in the room was a little like being in prison, and it made him feel guilty, as though he’d done something so terrible that Madeline was forced to pay the price of visiting him. They played with his phone, told stories, and looked out the window. The minutes ticked by slowly, and though Madeline started to cry when it was time to go, Parker could also sense her relief at finally being able to do something. For her, an hour of forced confinement in one small room with few distractions was torture. He’d have to come better prepared the next time he was allowed to see his daughter. If they didn’t put him in a real prison first.
He hugged Madeline close, wiping her tears. “Look, sweetie, don’t be sad. There’s something more. A secret.”
“What?”
Parker looked up to make sure Caitlin was out of earshot. “I might come to see you soon. If I do, I’ll throw a little rock at your window, and you can look out and wave. Okay? Don’t open the window or anything, unless you see it’s really me.”
Madeline’s smile returned. “Okay,” she whispered. “And then we’ll go see Grandma.”
He let her think that. “Don’t tell anyone.”
“I won’t.”
“It’s time to go now.”
“I love you, Daddy.”
“I love you, too, Madeline. You’re my best girl. Forever.”
He motioned to Caitlin and she came over. “Go with Ms. McLoughlin, okay?”
“Her name is Caitlin, Daddy.” Madeline looked up at Caitlin. “Am I going to see your sister again?”
“I wish, but we can’t today. I’m sorry. Come on.” Caitlin held out her hand and Madeline took it. Parker watched as they vanished through the door, feeling a sadness that sat in his stomach like a ball of lead.
Caitlin returned within minutes, walking slowly across the room and sat beside him. “She’s so adorable. Gave me a big hug before she left.”
“She likes you.”
“I like her, too.” She placed a hand on his arm, obviously sensing his distress. “It’ll be better somewhere else. They have toys and things. Yards, too. Or so I hear.”
“It’s cold outside. She wouldn’t last long.” He let his head drop to his hands, trying not to feel anything. “I need to have unsupervised visitation.”
There was silence for long seconds and then, “If you were allowed unsupervised visits, can you honestly tell me you wouldn’t disappear?”
“Are you asking for her or because of us?”
She looked away and said quietly, “Does it matter?”
He thought a moment and then shook his head once, sharply. “I guess it doesn’t. But it’s a fair question. She’s still in danger, and leaving might be the only way to save her life. Unless you’ve found something we can use. Have you?” The question was tinged with hope. She’d been talking on the phone for most of this bittersweet hour. Maybe she had good news.
She shook her head. “I’m sorry. The private investigator is still coming up dry. Dakota must have really gone out of her way to clear any tracks. But don’t worry, he’s not giving up. Not yet. Of course this does make our case a lot more difficult. The more time passes, the harder this is going to be to prove—especially if she really is clean.”
A chill crept down his back. “She isn’t. Is there a way to make her take a drug test?”
“I’ll certainly try, but the motion will likely be denied without any other proof factors.”
“Are you telling me I’m going to go to prison?”
“No!” She stood, moving to stand in front of him. “I will find something on Dakota. I believe you.”
The way she said it, he knew she’d begun to have doubts. He wasn’t prepared for how much that hurt him. Why should he care? A week ago, he didn’t even know her name. So what if she felt
right, if they felt right together? So what if she no longer believed? None of it mattered in the face of Madeline’s safety.
He rubbed a hand across his face. “I’d better get to work.” He stood, looking past her, not wanting to see that truth in her eyes.
“Parker.”
He hesitated. “Yes?”
“I’m doing my best.”
He met her gaze directly. “What if your best isn’t good enough?”
She bit her lip, making him vividly recall the softness there. “It will be.”
He nodded and took a step.
“Parker.”
He stopped again.
“When did you change? You rebelled all your teenage years. You were living with Dakota, going along with that sort of life, and then everything changed. You said once before it was because Madeline was born, but that wasn’t all, was it?”
He shook his head. “I had a brother. He was the perfect one. Always compliant, the obedient, favorite son, while I bucked against every rule my father set down. I used to time how fast I could made my father angry. Five seconds was my record.” The thought made him sick now. “I was determined to be everything my brother wasn’t. He earned scholarships, he could fix almost anything, he was brilliant. I was nothing
compared to him. And then one day they were in a car and there was an accident, and they died. Madeline had been born just before that, and I already had regrets, but suddenly all the regrets in the world didn’t matter.” Tears blurred her face and he looked away. “I could never tell my dad I was sorry. I could never tell my brother how proud I was of him. I’d let all the opportunities slide by. There was only my mother, and I was all she had left. I knew it was time to grow up. So I did.”
She took a tentative step toward him. “For the record, I think you turned out great.”
Still, he knew she didn’t trust him. Not yet. Maybe not ever. He’d been a fool to think she could. Nodding in her direction, he started again for the door.
“Call me if you need anything. I’ll be home tonight.” It was an invitation, one he couldn’t afford to accept because he’d already made a choice.
Saving Madeline Page 21
