The Collected Stories of Carol Emshwiller, Vol. 1

by Carol Emshwiller

  “O.K.,” I said. “You do it. Have yourself a real adventure, but you can leave me out. The idea is revolting. That sort of thing is up to the Government Population Service. If I’m called by them, I’m called. I’m ready to do my bit for my country and all that, but that’s all.”

  “All right, if that’s the way you feel about it. Just don’t be mad. Think about it some, though. You’ll see what I mean. You need a new wife, and some gal somewhere needs a new husband. What’s holding you back but a silly social taboo? Call me if you decide anything. I can help you out. My job at the Personal Fire Service comes in handy sometimes. My work day is Thursdays. Think it over and let me know before that if you decide.”

  “You don’t need to worry,” I said. “I won’t be calling you.”

  Only… when Thursday came around, I did call him. I don’t know exactly how I came to decide. I wasn’t even going to think about it at first. That’s what I thought, but my mind evidently had other ideas and this was one of them.

  Maybe it was that touch of immortality. The fact that nice people wouldn’t even consider such things. Maybe it was the risk of social censure. This sort of marriage would certainly be different, risky.

  I fought it, though. I kept telling myself I wasn’t at all the sort to even think about such things. Charley was, not me. Only the more I kept saying, no, no, the more fascinating the idea seemed.

  My one worry was Claire. I still cared quite a bit about her even thought she didn’t actually thrill me any more. Maybe you couldn’t call it love, but there was still an awfully big like. I didn’t know how she would react to this thing, but I knew she wouldn’t like it. I knew she could be hurt even if she was only a synthetic. Robots wouldn’t be very decent wives for husbands if they didn’t have feeling, and I always kind of hate to upset them even if they aren’t real people.

  It probably would be kinder to just send Claire back to the factory, though the re-adjustments they go through there are said to be painful to them. But then I couldn’t ask a real woman to take time off from her hobbies just to look after the house, so I had to keep Claire. I really wanted to, too; I’d miss her if she wasn’t around.

  Anyway, by Thursday this idea of Charley’s had really gotten hold of me till I liked the immorality and I liked the risk of social censure. I liked everything about it in fact. So I picked up the TV-phone and called Charley at his work.

  “Hey, boy, I knew you’d come around,” he said when I told him. “In fact I’ve already looked up some girls for you. There’s a real cute number I found that hasn’t had a husband for two months now. She must be really broke. I’ll contact her for you. She’ll probably be right over as soon as she hears about you, so you’d better get the divorce papers set for Claire. I’ll get some marriage forms from here. You just give them back to me after you fill them out and I’ll file them myself. That way everything will be legal, all right, but nobody will know anything about you both being real people except me.”

  “O.K., Charley, go ahead, but what do you think I ought to do about Claire?”

  “Do about her? Hand her those divorce papers, old boy. As soon as possible.”

  “No, Charley, I mean she’s been so happy these three months. She’s not like the others. I guess she’s overly sentimental; I know she’ll be hurt.”

  “Look, Danny, you’re the sentimental one. Those feelings you’re so afraid to hurt are synthetic, you know; they’re manufactured, built in. There’s nothing real about them. Sure, she feels things; that’s the way she’s made. You got yourself a darn good mode, that’s what. But what she feels isn’t really real; it just seems that way.”

  “I don’t know, Charley. “That’s what everyone says, but sometimes I wonder if it’s true.”

  “Anyway, she’s got no rights in this matter at all. You bought her, didn’t you? She’s supposed to feel and do whatever it is you want her to, and nothing else.”

  “Yes, but… ”

  “Don’t you worry, now. I’ll call this babe, and you hurry up and get your divorce. And forget about Claire. This is going to be a great experience for you, boy. Don’t let any petty little things spoil it.”

  “Say, Charley, I thought you were going to try this thing, too.”

  “I am; just give me time. As a matter of fact I was thinking of taking this girl for myself, but since you called me, and you’re in such a desperate situation, not being in love and everything, I thought I’d just let you have her. Anyway, I have a couple of others listed. Not as good as this one, but possibilities. Now don’t you worry, kid; you’ll have a new wife in no time.”

  Well, it didn’t happen that fast. Charley called me three days later. This first choice wasn’t so nice after all, he said; she even threatened to report him to the Government Population Service. Of course that wouldn’t have hurt too much. At least there was nothing actually illegal about what we were doing, not as if we were having babies, or anything. It would have made a stink for a while, though, Charley said, but that was all. Anyway, he called the others on his list, but no luck there either. They were nice, and didn’t threaten to run and tell, but they weren’t going to be a party to any such thing.

  “But don’t you worry,” Charley said. “I’m still sure there are plenty of girls who are willing. Just let me handle everything and don’t give up hope yet.”

  I would have to wait a few days more anyway, till Charley went to work again on Thursday.

  I wouldn’t have had to rush to get my divorce, and then I wouldn’t have had to sit around, with no wife at all, trying not to see the look in Claire’s eyes. She hadn’t been sleeping much, I was sure. There were dark circles under her eyes and she was pale. She still smiled as she served me, but it was such a little, lopsided smile, worse than none at all.

  She has to take it, and take it, and take it, I thought. If she could only get mad. But I knew she wouldn’t get mad at me even if she could.

  Even the next Thursday didn’t bring any luck. This waiting wasn’t doing me any more good than it was Claire. Maybe I’d been restless before, but it was nothing like what I was now. It wasn’t till the next Thursday after that, that we got Lois. Charley sent her over, and she came right away.

  I answered the door myself when she rang. She stood outside a moment and looked up and down the street and then ducked into the vestibule fast. She was out of breath and her cheeks were pink from the run from the auto-cab. A curl was out of place and hung down by her ear.

  I knew she wasn’t perfect; I could see right away her figure was old fashioned. Hips like that went out of date on all robot wives almost two years ago; and blue eyes were the latest thing now.

  But she doesn’t have to be perfect, I thought. That’s the beauty of it. This is real, real and primitive. Suddenly without even thinking about it, I took her in my arms right then. “I love you,” I said, “and it’s real, real love.”

  She smiled and pressed against me. “Isn’t this exciting,” she said. “I’ve never been in love like this before. I think it’s going to be fun.”

  We kissed then. It was a wonderful, human kiss. As Charley said, this was going to be a pretty exciting adventure. You could tell that in a second.

  Then Lois pulled back. “Did Charley say your name was Bob?” she asked. “I wasn’t quite sure.”

  “It’s Dan,” I said, “and you’re Lois. Come on in the house and meet Claire.”

  It was right after that we had our first argument.

  I had argued with Charley, and other fellows often enough, but seldom with a woman before, and especially not with one about to be my wife. It was very unpleasant, thought, of course, our love was so strong it couldn’t really be hurt by it.

  It was over Claire.

  As soon as we were alone again after Lois met her, she said, “I won’t sign the marriage papers until that woman gets out of here.”

  This made me angry, for after all, it was my house, and I was very fond of Claire. But I didn’t show how I felt. “I suppos
e,” I said, “you’re willing to do the housework yourself, then.”

  “I have John for that,” she said, “and I much prefer to have a man working about the house than a woman. You’ll have to get rid of her or deactivate her, and soon.”

  I didn’t much care to have some former, robot husband working about the house either, but I could see this called for diplomacy; so I kept my temper as well as I could. “Where is John now?” I asked.

  “I packed him. He’s de-activated and packed, and he’ll be over with my baggage.”

  Well, I thought, at least he’s out of the way for the time being. As far as I was concerned, John could stay packed, but good.

  “Claire has supper almost ready, and John won’t be here till tomorrow,” I said. “I can’t de-activate her now. Besides, she can show John around the place for a few days till he catches on to where everything is. Then we can do something about Claire, I promise you. Just try to get along for two or three days.”

  Lois thought this over for a minute or two; then she finally smiled and said that she didn’t want to do anything to spoiled our beautiful love affair—and, though she didn’t care for the idea, she would give in gracefully to show her good will.

  Lois was a real prize; I could see that. But still, I made a promise to myself right then, that no matter what happened, I wasn’t going to de-activate Claire. Lois could say or do anything she wanted to; that I would not do. I know I was judging the robots by myself—but I certainly wouldn’t want to be deactivated or go to the factory to be reconditioned, and I couldn’t do it to Claire. I simply couldn’t and I wouldn’t.

  Real love was wonderful then, exciting, a little wicked. Just the way it should be, as Charley said. And the next day Lois’ baggage came. Lots of it, but then Lois was a real girl. There too, was the long box with John. Just seeing it gave me a funny feeling, jealous and scared—scared not for me, but for Claire.

  Lois insisted that John be activated right then and there, to get the baggage inside and put away. “After all,” she said, “I gave in to you on your plans for Claire yesterday. For the sake of our love, you know. Now I think it’s your turn to do the same and let me have my John.”

  I really couldn’t say no when she put it that way. She had been nice about Claire. So I said, “For the sake of our love, then.” And Lois opened the box and activated John.

  John was just what I was afraid he would be, big, handsome, broad-shouldered. Of course robots were never violent to humans, but he gave me a funny feeling even so. I just hoped he would be slow in learning about my kitchen; that would give me a little more time to plan what to do about Claire.

  Things went along smoothly for the next few days. The honeymoon time is always wonderful. We didn’t even spend much time on our hobbies. And compromising. That was a new experience. I looked at the TV ice show with Lois, though I don’t care for it, and Lois looked at boxing with me. I ate liver with Lois on Monday, and Lois ate lamb with me on Wednesday. It was actually fun.

  One funny thing, though, I was still as restless as ever.

  Then Lois said Claire would have to go soon, whichever way I wanted. She wasn’t particular how. Two robots, she said, would never work out, anyway. But I guess she was judging by human beings. John and Claire had no arguments or disagreements over their work, that we could tell, anyway. The service was better, the food more elaborate. The two robots got along as if they’d originally been built to work together. John did most of the serving and I was glad about that. It was too painful seeing Claire trying to keep smiling; I guess she didn’t want to see me, either.

  It was hard not to like John. He did make me feel a bit inferior, but he was a nice, pleasant fellow, and seemed as attentive to me as he was to Lois. I always found it hard not to like most all of the robots. They were so good-natured, and John seemed especially nice. I liked him better each time I saw him.

  But I liked him best of all when Lois asked him if he felt it was time to get rid of Claire, and didn’t he know all the house yet? John was on my side; he said he knew the house pretty well, but it was a big one and the work was a lot easier with two of them.

  “Why should you care,” Lois asked him. “After all, you haven’t any hobbies to keep you busy; you don’t need Claire.”

  “Even we mechanical men enjoy a bit of leisure now and then, and, well.” John smiled, “you must admit she’s a much better cook than I am. I think it would be to your advantage in many ways to keep us both working here. After all, we’re a big investment. You might as well get your money’s worth in service.”

  Lois frowned. “Well, I don’t know. Too much leisure… ”

  “At any rate I need a few more days with her—especially if you want me to learn to make her special quince tart. The one you enjoyed so much yesterday.”

  “All right,” Lois said, “for that, certainly.”

  But she changed her mind the very next day. We had a terrible fight, and suddenly compromises didn’t seem so much fun any more to either of us.

  Lois came storming into the hobby room where I was working with a kit for assembling a pocket, color, TV projector. It was for Claire. I had started it before our divorce and I was still going to finish it for her.

  “That woman has got to go,” Lois shouted, “or I go.”

  I felt a sudden chill, but I asked her what was wrong as calmly as I could.

  “What’s wrong! Since when does there have to be something wrong in order to de-activate a robot? I want her de-activated, that’s all. I don’t like the look in her great, big, gorgeous, blue eyes, the hussy. She’s till in love with you and I think you’re in love with her; and I won’t believe anything else until you turn her off.”

  “Lois, you know I’m in love with you. When have two people made as many sacrifices as we have, just for our love? I admit I’m a bit fond of Claire, but not in that way at all. It’s you I love.”

  I don’t care what you say. Claire has got to go or you can just go down and get a new set of divorce papers. You decide. I’ll be waiting in my room.”

  I was pretty upset. I didn’t want to turn Claire off or send her away, but I didn’t want to have this wonderful, real, marriage spoiled so soon either.

  I decided to call Charley and see what he had to say.

  “Hey boy, how’s it going,” Charley asked as soon as he saw it was me on the TV-phone.

  “Great,” I groaned, “just great.”

  “Don’t let her get the best of you,” Charley said after I told him the situation. “Of course I don’t see why you care so much about what happens to Claire. I turn my Margot off just to shut her up a couple of hours every day. It doesn’t hurt them any; in fact it does Margot a lot of good. She behaves herself, I can tell you, boy. You’re too sentimental, Danny; it’s a bad habit and you ought to try and get over it.”

  “Well, I can’t change just like that now. What do you think I ought to do?”

  “My advice to you is, whatever you do, don’t give in to Lois. After all, you’re not a robot husband; you’ve got pride. You’ve got ideas of your own she ought to respect. Stand up for them. Show her who’s boss, and that’ll straighten everything out. Try it. And call me if you need me again. I’m always ready to help a buddy.”

  I clicked off the phone and thought about Charley’s advice. But I knew it wouldn’t work.

  I pressed a button on the drink mixer and sat down and thought some more. And then it seemed to me that it was John I should be asking for advice. He should have just the sort I needed already built in.

  I switched the TV-phone for local and called the kitchen.

  John was up in a minute, smiling and ready for service even thought it was only me and not Lois.

  “Sit down,” I told him, “and have a drink.”

  “I’m sorry, but mechanical men are not allowed to drink.”

  “Look, John, how can I talk to you man to man if you don’t join me? I’d feel uncomfortable. Let’s just forget the social taboos for once
. I’d like to. Please sit down. I need your advice. You know so much more about this love business than I do; at least this end of it.”

  John stood, not smiling for a moment, thinking hard, and then he smiled again, but just a little one. “I guess it’ll be all right,” he said, and sat down and took the glass I offered him. “I’d like to help you if I can.”

  “Good boy. Let me ask you one thing first, John. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. You don’t seem so concerned about Lois and me, but you’re supposed to be in love with her.”

  “Well,” John said slowly, looking into his drink, “I guess I was made to love all creatures about equally. At least I never loved Lois particularly more than anyone else. I like people, and I did my best to please Lois when I was married to her; but I wasn’t upset at all when she tired of me. I knew a breakup would come sometime, anyway, and when it did, it didn’t bother me.”

  “Yes, but what about Claire? She’s not the same as you are, even though you’re both from the same factory. Why is she so upset?”

  “We mechanical men aren’t all alike, you know, any more than you humans are. Emotions are funny things. They can’t seem to be cut on an assembly-line pattern; even when they use the same chemicals and glandular tissue, they never get exactly the same results. If the right person comes along, we mechanical men are capable of falling actually in love, too. I think Claire is… or was… really in love with you, but I think she’ll be all right now. Give her a little time.”

  “That’s just it. She’s not going to have time for anything. Lois insists I turn her off or send her back to the factory, right now. Tonight.”

  John frowned and then took a long drink.

  “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about,” I went on. “If you were still married to Lois, what would you do? How would you calm her down and make her see reason?”

  John didn’t answer for a long time. He sat and finished his drink and I dialed another for him, and then he said, “I’m afraid we mechanical men don’t think as you people do. We would probably give in; let her have her way. The love relationship, to us, is the most important of all. We sacrifice, even large things, to the ends of a happy marriage. We wouldn’t want to hurt another creature, though, so that makes this problem particularly hard.”