A Terrible Love

by Eros, Marata

  A

  TERRIBLE

  LOVE

  A NOVEL

  MARATA EROS

  A TERRIBLE LOVE

  Copyright © 2012-2013 Marata Eros

  All rights reserved

  ISBN: 9781301979097

  This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

  All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system without the prior written permission of the publisher.

  This book is a work of fiction. The names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the writer's imagination or have been used fictitiously and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, actual events, locales or organizations is entirely coincidental.

  Edited by Hazel Novak

  Cover art by Phatpuppyart.com

  You're Mine:

  I took your everything

  took it for myself

  my enjoyment and no one else

  you're mine...

  no point trying to deny

  you're my prisoner for the taking

  you're mine...

  you're my perfect glass for the breaking

  you're mine...

  you should just accept the fact

  there's nowhere to run

  there's nowhere to hide

  I took your everything

  took it for myself

  my enjoyment and no one else

  #

  tell yourself whatever you want to believe

  your fate still lies in me....

  Tragedy Machine

  DEDICATION:

  My steadfast husband,

  you helped me be who I was meant to.

  I love you~

  Table of Contents

  Prologue 6

  1 8

  2 14

  3 22

  4 29

  5 38

  6 46

  7 54

  8 61

  9 69

  10 77

  11 85

  12 92

  13 100

  14 109

  15 117

  16 125

  17 134

  18 142

  19 150

  20 159

  A Word About A TERRIBLE LOVE 163

  A Note of Gratitude to my Readers: 164

  Disclaimer: 165

  Acknowledgments: 166

  Works by Marata Eros 167

  Future Titles 2013: 167

  Connect with Marata Eros: 168

  Prologue

  The solid wooden slats of the closet shake as he pounds them. “I'll hurt her, Jewell,” he says in a voice thickened by his usual rage. Thwack, punch, rattle. “And there's not a fucking thing you can do about it!”

  I clench my eyes, arms wrapped around my knees; if I ignore him he'll go away. He always used to.

  But it's different this time. Faith came. She'd known something was wrong and she'd come.

  I listen to her wail in the background, sweat beading on the tender part of my upper lip as I roll it in my mouth to keep from crying out. I thought I could hide.

  I thought it would end if I ignored it.

  I had kept the secret, but now, as my stepbrother assaults the only friend I've ever had, I squeeze my head between my knees and shake with my silent sobbing.

  It's me he wants to hurt. It's me he'll punish in this horrible moment of suspended time, Faith is merely the vehicle.

  Faith was in the wrong place at exactly the wrong time.

  Her arguing got Thaddeus to notice her. However, Faith will never submit.

  Her pleas go unheeded. I bear witness in a dark locked closet; shamed, terrified and soaking in my own sweat and tears, I hear what he does and I can't stop it.

  Faith saved me, and my apathy murdered her.

  *

  black

  Black is everywhere, it's in the sky, the ground, the pounding rain that pings off the casket.

  It's on my dress.

  My shoes. The umbrellas are a sea of it, rolling endlessly on and on.

  But there is one spot that's red. The flare of my mother's dress I can see from just beyond the polished lip of the wood.

  My stepbrother meets my eyes with the deep gray of his own and I shudder with keen revulsion.

  I count backwards silently, the tears that scald my face chill as the rain meets them, mingling in a dance of sadness that washes my face. Though it doesn't cleanse the guilt. It never will.

  He gives me a little smirk and I cast my eyes down so he can't see the burning hatred of my gaze.

  Thad thinks he's home free. His crime buried beneath the prestige of his standing in the community.

  He hadn't counted on how far I'll go to secure his future destruction. And my own survival. I'd do it all.

  For Faith.

  I sucked in a shuddering breath, my plan firmly in place, my fear as well.

  I drop a single deep cream rose on Faith's casket. It spins in slow motion, making a soft thump as it connects with the deep mirrored finish and I turn to leave, the goodbye caught in my heart for eternity.

  The reporters are already here.

  I flee, my high heels stabbing the sodden earth beneath my feet. When the limousine driver opens the door for me I slide inside, breathing a sigh of relief when I see I share it with no one. My vacant mother and stepfather will dutifully stay and shore up my best friend's parents from the tragic loss of their daughter. For duty's sake, not empathy.

  Thaddeus MacLeod stands watching my limo, the closing glass of my window beginning to shield me from him. As the reporters gather around him he has eyes only for me. I shiver at that quiet look of contained menace, despairing. I gather my resolve like fragile collected blossoms.

  I can do this.

  “Thaddeus!” I hear a woman reporter yell. “What does Senator MacLeod think of your attempted rescue of your dear family friend?” She heaves a microphone above her head and toward Thad's face, skimming the heads of reporters who stand in front of her.

  He turns his face away from mine and even in the dim light of the outside I can see his one hundred watt smile come online, dazzling the reporter who'd posed the question. It makes me want to hurl. There's no food in my stomach but my body goes through the motions nonetheless.

  I let the glass swallow the view, turning away and sinking into the plush leather as I allow my tears to come.

  Our limo driver flicks his eyes to my wet face in the rearview mirror then discreetly away.

  I hit the up button on the divider and the glass partition slides up.

  It is the last moment of grief I'll allow myself. Soon I will run.

  Toward anonymity, freedom. And maybe someday, absolution.

  #

  1

  two years later

  “Jess!” Carlie calls, chasing after me. I listen to the rat-tat-tat of her high-heeled heeled boots stabbing the poor hallway behind me.

  God, if it is another scheme to get me to go along with some crazy-ass plan... I'm going to be pissed.

  “Jess!” she shouts and I turn.

  It's impossible to stay mad at Carlie, she is too over-the-top ridiculous for words. My eyes take in her customary look, the perfectly coiffed hair, the skinny jeans jammed into second-skin boots that somehow housed thinly
knit leg warmers. And don't even get me started on what she rams her boobs into. It was surely a Manacle for Tits.

  How did she get them to look like that? I shake my head and smile despite myself.

  “She smiles! Excellent!” Carlie runs and throws her arms around me, saying in an uncharacteristic whisper, “look what I have girlfriend.” She waves a paper around in my face like a flag.

  I can't make anything out, it's just a grayish blur.. “Stop that, ya tool!” I false-rage.

  Carlie gives me the bird and holds it steady in front of my face. The words come together in a collision of- no.

  “I'm not going,” I say, beginning to walk away.

  “You are so going,” Carlie says. Then softly she calls, “Jess.”

  I stand with my back to her as other students ram through the hall, jostling and loud, maybe a minute left until class.

  “What?” I ask, still not turning.

  “It's ballet,” she says.

  “I know,” I whisper. I break out in a light sweat like an auto response. The passion for dance, my former privileged life's only oasis is now teasing me with its nearness.

  “They're coming here... to our school. You could, like... audition.”

  I could. “No, Carlie.”

  She takes me at my word, throwing the paper in the trash and slinging an arm around my neck. Carlie uses me for balance as she totters around on her stilettos. “You have to admit it was a good idea?”

  I looked up into her face, she's a damn Amazonian. “Yeah,” I admit.

  “You can't run forever, Jess.”

  Her words jolt me, but then I realize Carlie is just using an expression. She isn’t being literal.

  It seemed a little too easy, she was usually a dog with a bone.

  Carlie stops hanging off me like a monkey and we part ways for our respective courses.

  I listen to the sound of her heels as they echo down the nearly empty hall.

  I take a deep breath and pass through the door for English Lit class. Just one of many sophomores in a generic university in the great state of Washington. I like blending in.

  My life depends on it.

  *

  Ballet had been my life- before. I can't give it up, because it won't give me up. The music plays in my head night and day. It's a wonder I ever get anything accomplished. Some of the other students might see a subtle bob of my head and wonder. I smile at the looks and stare off into space during lectures.

  I do a similar internal music routine when I work at the coffee shop like a good drone; my partial scholarship at the University of Washington requires a little sideline income. I’m lucky to have it. I'd had to test out of a bunch of freshman courses, prove proficiency and then cop out as poor. I certainly couldn't use my former grades and prestigious school to get the full ride I'd had. That was from before.

  It had all been worth it. The stress, the work.

  Then Carlie had wormed her way inside my defenses despite every obstacle I'd thrown up in her way. Declared herself my friend when it went against every promise I'd made to myself. I broke them all with our friendship. What she sees in me I'll never know.

  Carlie knows about the ballet barre I'd installed in a dorm room that didn't have space for it, it's pretty tough to hide and it's my only décor. A huge metal bar driven into studs behind drywall. Yeah, so beautiful. I move my bed every day and go to sleep each night looking at it. Trying to forget. Ballet blanked the pain, it's the eraser of my memories.

  Each day I execute my barre exercises, just as I did every day when I was another girl. Now I am a woman, with woman-sized desires and dreams. My traumatic memories haven't robbed me of my humanity. No matter what happens there's a stubborn spark that wants to live.

  Carlie has begun something inside me with the whisper of the ballet company visiting the U Dub campus. I ignore that something, beat at it when it appears, reject it, but it refuses to let go and blooms inside me.

  Hope.

  It's all Carlie's fault. I'd been just fine when I didn't have any.

  Now it was here and there was no hiding from it.

  *

  I open my mouth as I put the blue contact in, blinking once, hoping the damn thing seats correctly. I'll never take having perfect vision my whole life for granted again. At the end of the day I can't wait to tear the suckers out of my eyes, they dried up like popcorn farts and burn like hell.

  I stand away from the mirror, applying the barest hint of colored lip-gloss, giving my eyeballs time to rest from the abuse of inserting contacts. I brush my teeth, squirt vanilla body spray on all the high points and cover my deep ginger lashes with chocolate-colored mascara.

  I flutter them and decide they look just right. Next, I plait my hair into two thick braids. Even braided my hair is past my breasts, its former deep auburn is now golden brown. Its length was my only concession to my former life. Despite its length, it is nondescript, nearly invisible.

  Just like I want it.

  I study my hairline for roots. Finding none, I step away from the mirror then turn around and stick my tongue out.

  It's a glaring blue from the Blow Pop I've just ruthlessly sucked on.

  I need to grow up.

  I saunter off just as the knock comes at my door.

  Carlie doesn't wait for an invitation, she just bursts in.

  I put my hands on my hips. “Why bother knocking?” I laugh.

  She flicks her hair over a shoulder and puckers her lips, giving a dismissive shrug.

  I don't see her stuff my ballet slippers in her backpack.

  “Ready?” she asks innocently.

  “Yeah, just...” I collect a few things, ramming them into my oversized Guess purse and swing it over my shoulder.

  It's a rare day off and I am really dragging ass. I'm sore from the barre and twirling in the middle of a dorm room with only the walls watching my perfect performance.

  Pathetic.

  *

  “You wore make-up,” Carlie says, eyeballing my pathetic attempt to look cute.

  “Does mascara and lip-gloss qualify?” I ask.

  “Hell, yeah! Especially for you,” she exclaims vigorously. “Miss au naturale.” She giggles behind her hand.

  “Bitch,” I say.

  “Sticks and stones and all that happy ho-ho-shit,” she replies, completely unperturbed by my shameless name calling.

  “Why did you tell me to wear make-up?” I ask, suspicious as I cross my arms underneath my breasts, my eyes narrowing. I slam my dorm door, rattling the knob to assure the seat and lock. It never closes right.

  We move away from the door and I impatiently wait for her response.

  Carlie's brows arch and she pouts at me. “Because: you will look attractive to the opposite sex. If it's with my last breath, you will look cute even while we sweat.”

  I look down at my yoga pants, the turned band at the top a muted tie-dye pattern with a tight deep blue tee and my braided hair rounding out the hippie chic thing I've got going on.

  “I think you'll have to try harder,” I say.

  “If you were just sluttier,” Carlie says mournfully, hiding behind her dark curly hair.

  I slug her and she yelps, giving me hurt eyes, then she smiles. “I'll wear ya down, you'll see.”

  “Never!” I stab the air with my fist as we turn the corner and a wall of noise hits me. Everywhere I look there are students, older adults and an odd assortment of people I've never seen. It's too much to take in. I turn to Carlie; obviously, we totally can't work out today.

  “Hey,” I say, looking into the deep auditorium that doubles as a gym. “What's going on... what are all these people doing?”

  But Carlie's already moving and doesn't hear my question.

  An older woman is seated behind a folding desk and Carlie speeds to the desk, her flats making no sound as they whisper across the floor.

  She signs into some ledger and I start taking it in.

  A totally hot guy comes to me wi
th a numbered paper and a safety pin. “Hey,” he says and I stare numbly at him. I can't think of a thing to say.

  “Hi!” Carlie blurts from beside me, fluttering her sooty eyelashes at La Hunk. “This is my friend, Jess Mackey.”

  Hunk smiles at me and I sink into his pale gray eyes, drown more like. “I'm Mitch,” he says.

  I stare.

  Carlie elbows me with a traitorous cackle. God, can she be more obvious? “I'm Jess,” I stick out my hand and he swallows it in his own.

  “I know.” He smirks and a dimple flashes into place, disappearing just as quickly. He swings back long dark hair that refuses to stay out of his eyes.

  “Right,” I say, heat flooding my face.

  He steps into my private bubble and my flush deepens, my heart starts to speed when he reaches for my thin tee shirt and I shrink away from him.

  “It's okay,” he murmurs beside my face, his minty breath tickling the sensitive skin there. “I'm attaching your number.”

  What number?

  I look around and see about fifty girls with their hair slicked back in tight buns, some high, some on the nape because they've been zapped with the unlucky thick hair gene like yours truly.

  Realization slams into me.

  The Seattle Pacific Ballet Company has arrived. This is the audition Carlie had tried to bully me into attending a few days ago. Heat suffuses my body in a sickening nauseous wave. I turn to leave and Mitch puts a staying hand gently on my arm. He jerks his jaw toward where a mock stage has been set up. “It's this way, dancing girl.” He smiles, his teeth very white in his face.

  “I can't do it... I'm not signed up,” I say, folding my arms again, the paper with my audition number crinkling underneath the gesture.