by Eva Delaney
What the fuck was going on? If Antares was on our side, what could he possibly have to say to the prince?
Then they were fighting again, wrestling on the floor, fists cracking on skin and bone. Mr. Pancake followed them, barking with all his little might and biting Castor when he had an opening.
They were moving fast, and I didn’t want to risk shooting and hitting Antares instead. So, I stalked toward them, and when Castor gained the upper hand again, I cracked him over the side of the head with the gun.
It was much more satisfying to hit him than use a stun bolt.
He crumpled to the side. Antares rolled out from under him and leaped to his feet despite the bruises on his face and the lump on the back of his head. He moved like he didn’t even feel them.
I glared at him. He stared back with that maddening calm expression, as though he hadn’t exchanged messages with our mortal enemy.
“You can stay here with your prince,” I said coldly.
He glanced down at Castor as though considering it, and my stomach twisted. At first, I thought it was for being stupid enough to trust Antares, but I realized with a cold horror, that wasn’t it. No, I felt sick because he might pick Castor over me and the crew.
Because I might lose him too soon.
Because I didn’t even know why he might choose Castor over me.
Antares’s dark eyes met mine. A purple bruise was forming under his left one. A part of me wanted to gently stroke that cheek. Even with his perfect face marred, he wore the same hard expression and moved like he didn’t feel the pain at all. He fought well. He knew how to take a punch and keep going.
Just like with the jump and the updraft, nothing slowed him or scared him.
That was what I wanted to be like; never scared and never slowed. I fought hard to be, despite the anxiety and insecurity that gnawed at me. It seemed easy for him.
“I’m no one’s Scorpion and no one’s Hyacinth,” he said. “I’m a motherfucking ship. Flying where I like and doing what I want. Like you, Firebrand.”
My heart fluttered, despite my better judgment. “That doesn’t tell me who you really are,” I said. “Or why you didn’t want to shoot Castor or what he said to you.”
“I have never lied to you,” he said.
“That’s easy when you never tell me anything.”
I gave him one last withering glare before marching past him in search of Polaris and his ship. I didn’t have to go far. A bulky personnel carrier wobbled in the air as though its pilot’s hands were shaking. It clipped a nearby merchant ship, sending up shouts and curses from the crew.
I snorted. Polaris definitely wasn’t a pilot.
The ship hit the floor meters from me, its ramp extending. I ran inside and paused to see if Antares was coming. He and Mr. Pancake were already in the ship next to me. Shit, they were quiet and sneaky. I hit the button to close the door before racing for the cockpit.
“I want answers from you,” I shouted back at Antares. “Once we rescue Winters.”
Chapter 33
“Cal,” Po said. “You did everything you could. You did everything right; we all did. But…Agent Winters…her ship is gone.”
The truth settled into my chest like a ball of ice. We had raced to the jumpgate and searched among the ships queued before it. But there was no sign of the ship Winters was on.
There was only Castor’s fleet. Even the jumpship was gone.
Either her captors had entered the jumpgate or docked with the jumpship which had left. We had no way of knowing where she was.
I had failed.
Winters would die while they extracted secrets from her brain that would bring down The Uprising.
On top of it all, without Agent Winters, we could never go home. Without her, our people would think we were criminals.
If only I hadn’t gone to Vinera. If only I had listened to Antares.
I failed my crew, The Uprising, and my sister who had died at the Supremacy’s hands. I failed Orion, who went to jail because he believed I could save the galaxy.
“Cal?” Polaris said.
I sighed and turned the bulky ship back toward Etrea. I said nothing and neither did Po nor Antares as we landed and slipped out of the ship. I led the way in silence to the rendezvous point Ursa had given us, dodging guards along the way.
We met up with Orion and the others at a pub near a hidden docking bay. It was deep underground where there were fewer cameras.
Back in his usual tight white t-shirt and ripped jeans, Orion looked like comfort. He looked like home. I wanted to wrap my arms around his neck and stroke his perfect tussled hair. But then I remembered that I had ruined his life again.
“What happened?” Hamal said. He took one look at us and knew things had not gone well.
“We’ll explain later,” I said, not bothering to put on an act.
Orion nodded and wrapped his arms around me. I let him but didn’t hug him back.
“We have a suite of rooms in the rear,” he said.
I shook my head. “Castor’s people are probably watching us—”
“It went wrong didn’t it, Trix?” Rux said.
I couldn’t stand to face him, so I ignored him. “Po, can you check if there are cameras nearby and wipe us from the feeds?”
He nodded and pulled the tablet from his backpack. It only took him five minutes, the genius, to determine that the bar was camera-free. Ursa had chosen well.
I looked away from my men and marched toward the back of the pub. I didn’t know where I was going, but Orion fell into step next to me, his hand on the small of my back.
“Whatever happened, we’ll fix it together,” he said.
I didn’t answer. His words felt like empty lies, though I knew he was trying to help.
The suite, as Orion had called it, was an antechamber and a single bedroom off the back of the pub. He shrugged one shoulder. “It’s what they had.”
Polaris went to work, searching and scanning the rooms for cameras or microphones. I stood and watched. Orion kept rubbing my back as though that made a difference.
“All clear,” Polaris said with a small, dimpled smile.
I didn’t know how he managed to smile right now. It must have cracked his heart to its foundations to have helped the Supremacy after they drafted his father to die in a war. No wonder he had believed his sister hated him. No wonder he ran.
And because I chose not to trust Antares, he had lost his chance to stop the people who had hurt him.
“Do you want to talk about what’s wrong, cupcake?” Hamal said.
I glowered at him. “Call me cupcake one more time and I’ll twist your balls off like grapes on a stem.”
Hamal, usually calm and kind, looked shocked. His mouth fell open.
Behind him, Rux flinched, lifting a hand toward his groin as though to protect it from me.
“Take a look at Antares’s head, Doctor Sweet Ass,” I ordered him. His eyes went wide. “Yeah, see how you like the nicknames, Muffin Butt.”
I turned my back to them all and fled to the antechamber so I could be as close to private and alone as possible here.
A pathetic choked sob escaped my mouth as I plopped down on a padded bench. I clenched my fists to stop the tears, to stop the sobs.
“Cal?” Polaris said, his voice gentle.
Behind me, the door to the bedroom hissed shut. Polaris settled onto the bench next to me, close enough that my wet face brushed against his shoulder and the soft fabric of his tunic.
He didn’t say anything or hold me. He just sat there, quiet and warm like he had when he found me sobbing in the Firebrand’s cockpit.
He didn’t try to fix anything. He gave me the space to be, to feel, and to cry silently while he provided a steady, warm presence.
I hated that he saw me weak and pathetic. Worst, he acted like it was okay to be like this rather than trying to fix it.
“My, um, tunic is absorbent,” he said finally.
“W
hat?”
“You can cry on me…if you want.”
I snorted in derision, not at him, but at myself. “Like the first time we met, and I was pathetically crying over a man. It seems you’re always here when I’m weak and failing and my life falls apart.”
Po shifted as though uncomfortable. Good. Maybe he’d leave.
“Computers, machines, and logic, I understand. When it comes to feelings, I always seem to mess them up. But…Hamal and Antares and maybe Orion would say not to cry or feel bad…I don’t know. Would they?”
I didn’t answer. I didn’t know where he was going with this rambling and didn’t care.
“Anyway, I don’t think it’s weak. I remember when you arrived at Star Keeper and defeated a dozen Supremacy ships in your Firebrand. It wasn’t even a fighter; it was just a smuggling ship that you had to fly with one hand and work gun controls with the other. But you fought off the attackers anyway and saved us. You marched through the base, grinning ear to ear, and everyone cheered. You were a hero, Cal.”
“Is there a point to this?” I said.
“I thought you were strong…and then I saw you that night, crying, and you fell asleep on my shoulder.”
“You realized the hero was weak.”
“I realized that under the heroism, you were like me in a little way. I’m not a hero; I never was. I spent my childhood in bed and then I failed my people. I was sad and scared when heroes were strong and fearless. But when I saw you crying, I realized heroes could be strong and sad at the same time. One didn’t cancel out the other. And if heroes could cry, maybe I could be heroic in a little way despite my fear.”
I gave a choked laugh. “All because I’m weak.”
“I thought you were perfect,” Po said softly. “You made me believe I could be better than I was. Now, I’m here trying to be.”
I wasn’t sure how to make sense of what he was saying. Po’s words were so sweet that they hijacked and locked down my brain. So, I was silent with my heart pounding loud in my ears as it raced and my stomach fluttered.
“Sorry…I’ll…I’ll go,” he said shifting away.
My hand flew out of its own accord, my body knowing and acting on the truth before my brain could accept it. I gripped his wrist and Po froze, going tense under my touch.
“When you said you didn’t feel anything from that kiss, were you lying?”
I dreaded his answer. If he said he had told the truth, then these feelings growing inside me were lies. If he said he had lied and the kiss had meant something, then these feelings could destroy Orion and me. I’d break Orion’s heart all over again.
“I don’t know,” Polaris said. “I never know.”
“Po—”
“Hey Cal,” Po said, cutting me off. “Are you a quasar?”
I sighed, annoyed. “Stop trying to sound like Antares or Orion. Sound like yourself. It’s better that way.”
“Because you light up the world,” Po said.
My heart nearly stopped from all the sugary sweetness he was pumping into me.
He leaned in close, so our noses were almost touching. Our gazes locked. My skin felt hot and goosebumped all at once.
“I, umm, I don’t know what to believe, because I always get it wrong, but you know, Cal, I lov—”
The door hissed open. “Cali,” Orion said. He froze, taking in Polaris and me, our hands joined, our faces nearly touching.
I jerked away from Po as though burned.
“The fuck?” Orion said. “You two okay?”
“Sorry,” Polaris said. “I…I know I shouldn’t…there’s no place for this….”
Orion slung an arm around my shoulders, pulling me up from the bench.
I shoved him away. “Don’t you drag me after you.”
Orion blinked. “I’m sorry…just…what’s going on with you and Polaris?”
I couldn’t avoid this any longer. “Ori, we need to talk, alone. Come on.” I gestured for him to follow me back to the bedroom.
“We definitely need to talk,” Orion said, stomping after me.
I paused to look back at Polaris. His head drooped; his hands fidgeted in his lap. He didn’t meet my gaze, and I felt as though a thread between us was stretched taut, near to breaking.
Chapter 34
The sole bedroom was full of the other men, so I led Orion to the bathroom and shut the door. “Do not drag me away like that ever again.”
“Cali, I’m—”
“No excuses, Orion. You don’t own me, and you don’t tell me which members of my crew I can spend time with.”
“I’m sorry. I’m just confused. What was happening with you and Polaris when I walked in?”
“What do you mean what was happening? He’s my friend and we were talking about the mission.”
“That was more than talking about a mission,” Orion said. “And why do you have to talk about a mission alone?”
I rolled my eyes. “You and your jealousy again.”
“I’m not jealous—”
I laughed at him. “Oh, come on, you keep showing off that we’re together, and now you’re getting pissy because I’m talking to someone else.”
Orion frowned. “That wasn’t because of envy—”
“If it’s not jealousy or possessiveness, what is it?”
“I’m not possessive,” he ground out. “You know that. Hell, I grew up with four dads.”
“Then what’s your problem?”
“You tell me what’s happening here, Cali. You and Po were holding hands, he was about to say—”
“Nothing,” I said. “He wasn’t saying anything.” My heart thundered in my ears. Orion was getting dangerously close to something I had been struggling to destroy:
The truth.
“Why do you have to be suspicious?” I snapped.
“Why do you have to be secretive?” Orion said. “I just want to understand what’s happening. I want the truth.”
I snorted in derision. “I gave you the truth and you didn’t believe it. You’re too busy acting as though you own me and as though I owe you an explanation for why I was talking to an old friend. I don’t and never will.”
“Calpurnia,” Orion said, his voice turning stern as though he were daring to order me around. “Stop lying to me.”
“I’m—”
“No, stop it. The touching during the race, holding hands, and quiet words. You went to Polaris for comfort before you came to me. What is going on?”
I swallowed to try to clear the lump in my throat. This conversation wasn’t going the way I had hoped. I was supposed to be telling him to back the fuck off, but instead he was closing in on my and Po’s growing feelings.
“You hate people, Cali. You don’t have soft words with anyone for just any reason. There’s something else.”
“The mission went wrong, okay? I fucked everything to shit for everyone. Po was helping. Telling me it was okay—no, not that it was okay. He told me that I was okay but not in those words. In words that made sense and that made me see him and myself in a new way. He would know. He fucked up before too, and he’s known me for three years. Since Sule. Since everything changed.”
“Since you changed,” Orion said.
I said nothing. What was he getting at?
“He comforts you in a way I can’t,” Orion said softly.
“So? Hamal helps you and you won’t tell me how to do the same. You have no business being jealous.”
“I’m not jealous, Cali,” Orion said softly. “I’m terrified.”
“What?”
“I’m terrified that you don’t need me anymore. You’re replacing me, and that’s fine if it makes you happy, but…it just hurts.” His voice cracked.
I gaped at him. Orion, my cocky flyboy, never doubted that he was the best at everything and that he was the only one I needed.
But I was wrong about him again. He was as scared and insecure inside as I was, as Polaris was. Scared that his heart led him wrong, scared
that he wasn’t deserving of love.
“Oh, Orion,” I said, stepping forward and wrapping my arms around his neck. He pressed his palms to my lower back.
“I’ve always loved you. I don’t know how not to. A piece of my heart has always beat in your chest.”
He pulled me close against him. I could feel his heartbeat steady against me, echoing the beating of my own heart as it always had.
“I’ll always want you,” I said into his shoulder.
“I know. But you want Polaris too,” he said.
“I—”
“No, don’t deny it. You don’t have to with me. I can see it. He adores you—hell, he has good taste.”
My mouth felt dry. Orion was putting to words the terrible, wonderful, painful truth that I had been trying to kill.
A truth that Polaris wasn’t certain about, either.
“You can love more than one person,” Orion said gently against my hair.
“I don’t think I can,” I whispered. “I’m not like your mother… Ori, you were the love of my life and I wasn’t able to believe that was true. I failed you. I’m trying to be better now, but…I don’t think my stunted heart can hold much love.”
Orion stepped back and took my face in both his hands, peering into my eyes. His were full of devotion and tenderness.
“Love begets love. If there is a place for me in your heart, I will be here. No matter who else is in your life.”
I sniffed back tears. “You are my past, my happier times, the only one who ever broke my heart and healed it. There will always be a place for you in my life.”
Orion’s eyes gleamed as though with unshed tears and he smirked. “I know I’m the best. None of these dudes can outdo me, anyway. Let them try.”
I laughed. He had just said the opposite, but there was my flyboy’s bravado.
“You know, if I have someone else, so should you,” I said to Orion, raising an eyebrow. “If you and Hamal ever want to….”
Orion’s eyes widened.
“I think Hamal likes you instead,” Orion said. “It wouldn’t be the first time we….” he shrugged. “We both have good taste in women.”
I felt the heat rise from my neck to my face. I didn’t know how I’d face Hamal. He made me blush at the best of times. It would be embarrassing how flustered I got after hearing that he and Orion wanted to share me.
