by Amber Garza
And I still don’t.
The sound of drawers opening and closing slip under my door. Mom must be up and about. I roll my shoulders a little and prepare to get out of bed. This part of my day is never fun. Mornings are always the worst. My aching and stiff joints make it so difficult to do something as simple as hop out of bed. It’s funny the things most people take for granted in life. Things like moving with ease, things like having no pain, or doing what you want when you want to do it. Not everyone has that same luxury. Some of us have to work hard to do what others do so easily. There are many days where just getting out of my bed seems like an unsurmountable mountain. A mountain so tall and imposing I don’t think I can ever climb it. On those days I find myself hiding back under my covers, pretending it’s completely normal to spend an entire day in bed.
As much as I’d love to do that today, I know I can’t. Mom needs my help and it’s really the least I can do for her. She’s given up so much for me already. I may not have agreed with her idea to move back here, but if it makes her happy then I want to be as supportive as I can.
However, I dread the day I run into Paige or Colt or any of my high school friends for that matter. I know it’s inevitable. This town isn’t that big. When I lived here before I could rarely take a trip to the grocery store without running into dozens of people I knew from school. It’s not that I don’t like Paige and Colt. In fact, Colt and I became pretty good friends before I left. But I don’t want to have to explain myself to them. I’m sure they were just as shocked as Hadley was when I left without a word to anyone. I still have no idea what I’ll say to them when the time comes. The truth isn’t something I’m ready to share. However, any other excuse or made up story seems so far-fetched.
I had a good life here, and Hadley and I had something really special. We hardly ever fought and we weren’t jealous or petty like some other couples. Our love for each other was something neither of us ever questioned.
When I fell for Hadley I fell hard. Harder than I ever imagined I could. She was just so different than any girl I’d ever met. So sweet, kind, talented and beautiful. But the funny thing is that she had no idea how special she was. I had been so used to girls who thought they were God’s gift to the male population. Hadley was humble, shy even. And that made her even sexier.
Not to mention the fact that Hadley saved me. She helped me to have the courage to finally stand up to my dad; to have courage for my family. And she supported me through the months after my father was arrested and my mom and I had to put together the pieces of our broken family.
That was the reason I ultimately had to break things off. I couldn’t ask Hadley to shoulder anything else. When it was clear that something was wrong with me, I had to bow out. I had to go my own way so Hadley could pursue her dream of going to art school and make something of herself. It was time for her to live her life, not be saddled to someone needy like me.
“Tripp?” Mom bangs on my door, interrupting my thoughts.
“Yeah?” I say without lifting my head from the pillow.
“Just wanted to see if you’re up. It’s time to take your medicine.”
I cringe at the words she speaks through the closed door. When she talks to me like this I feel like a baby. Another reminder of why I’m glad I left Hadley out of this. “Yeah. I’ll be out in a minute.”
“I can bring it to you if you want,” she offers.
I want to tell her no, to insist on getting up myself. But the truth is, just the idea of getting out of bed and marching out to the kitchen feels like a difficult feat right now. I groan, realizing it’s going to be one of those days. Some days are better than others, and I never know until morning what kind of day it will be for me. “Yeah, that would be great. Thanks.” I stare up at the ceiling as I listen to Mom’s feet shuffle across the carpet.
When my door pops open a minute later, Mom enters wearing yoga pants and a t-shirt, her hair pulled back in a loose ponytail. A few strands fall and wisp around her cheeks. She carries a cup of water in her hand and one of my pills in the other. Her forehead scrunches up in a look of concern. I hate that look. I hate that she worries about me. All Mom has done her whole life is worry about others. What I need to do is get a job, get a life, and move out on my own. That way Mom can finally be free.
I hold out my palm and Mom drops the pill into it. Then she hands me the water. I mumble a thank you before struggling to sit up. Mom watches me quietly, and her expression cuts to my heart. As I swallow down the pill, I vow to be strong for her. Moving back here may be hard for me, but I need to make the most of it for Mom. It’s time for both of us to get our lives back.
Five
Hadley
“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” Paige links arms with me as we exit the movie theatre.
I raise an eyebrow. “Paige, it was two hours of people getting their heads getting blown off.”
“Awesome, right?” She grins.
I just roll my eyes. “Well, it did beat a sappy romance.”
Paige nudges me in the side. “One of these days you’re going to have to let him go and move on with your life.”
A couple saunters past us, their hands linked as if they are joined together like a puzzle piece. My heart lurches at the sight.
“Who?” I ask, pretending I don’t know.
“Oh, come on, Hads. You know I’m talking about Tripp.”
Just hearing his name causes a visceral reaction in me, and I shiver. “I’m over him. That was like a million years ago.”
“And you haven’t been the same since,” Paige says. “You haven’t been in a serious relationship, and you don’t like the same things you used to like. You’re just not yourself.”
I scoff at her words. A group of rowdy teenagers bursts past us, racing down the sidewalk while noisily talking over one another. After they pass we fall in step again. “Maybe I just haven’t met the right guy, and my tastes are changing because I’m getting older. Ever thought of that?”
“That’s bullshit, and you know it.” Paige pulls me down the busy sidewalk, still holding my arm. “Look, I get it. I know you and Tripp had something special. It’s just that I want you to be happy, and pining for a guy who broke up with you three years ago isn’t the way to do it.”
I press my lips together, mulling over her words. The sky is still bright even though it’s late, and warm air blows over my shoulders and across my cheeks. The scent of asphalt fills my senses. Loud chattering and the sound of tires on the road swirl around us. The town is so familiar and comfortable. But it also brings back so many memories I try to forget. Tripp and I walked down this very sidewalk so many times. And even though that was several years ago, it still feels like yesterday. I understand what Paige is saying. It does seem odd that I can’t get over a boy I dated in high school. Turning my head, I look at Paige. “It’s just that Tripp and I had this amazing connection, and I just don’t feel that way with anyone else.”
“That’s because you’ve never given anyone an opportunity. You can’t expect to have that connection with someone on your first date.”
“But with Tripp it just happened. We became friends, and then we just connected. We didn’t have to work at it or try.”
Paige nods while we continue to walk forward. The sushi restaurant we plan to eat at comes into view.
“I mean, just imagine if you and Colt broke up,” I say, and watch Paige’s face crinkle at the mere thought. “Would you be able to just forget about him and move on?”
“Of course not at first, but eventually I would have to.”
We unhook arms and I reach for the door of the restaurant. My fingers wrap around the gold knob and I yank it open. The scent of fish and spices assault me as we step inside. After putting in our names, we grab a seat on the little bench near the door.
“Really? You’d move on from Colt?” I give her a skeptical look.
She shrugs. “I wouldn’t like it, but I’d have to. If he didn’t want to be with me
what else could I do?”
“But what about the connection the two of you have? How would you ever find that with someone else? I mean, I remember when you and Colt met. You bonded instantly. That’s something that only comes once in a lifetime.”
Paige rests a hand on my arm. “Sometimes that’s true. But other times people experience it many times. You can have that connection again with someone else. I’m sure of it, Hads.”
I shift uncomfortably on the bench, and cross one leg over the other. “I don’t know. I mean, I want to. It’s just so hard. Every time I’m out with someone I just end up comparing them to Tripp.”
“Maybe that’s the problem. Don’t think about Tripp while you’re on a date. Try to just focus on the guy you’re with.” Paige elbows me good-naturedly in the side. “And for God’s sakes, bite your tongue when he’s driving. You’re like the worst back seat driver ever.”
I burst out into laughter. “That’s only with you. Other people don’t almost kill me every time we get in a car together.”
“Whatever,” she replies sarcastically. “Is that the real reason you wanted to walk to the restaurant?”
“Of course.” I swat her in the arm just as our table is called. While we follow the hostess through the maze of tables filled with people eating, I’m glad the conversation about Tripp is over. I’m hoping we can avoid the subject through the rest of the evening. I know Paige means well but it’s still just too painful to talk about. Maybe if I felt like I had closure I could move on. The way Tripp broke up with me left so many unanswered questions. Perhaps that’s the reason I can’t let go.
Six
Tripp
We’ve been back in Folsom for a week and I haven’t ventured out of the apartment at all. Today I woke up feeling pretty good, and I’m dying to get out of this stuffy place. I roll my shoulders and work out the kinks in my legs and arms when Mom enters the room wearing a smile.
“Someone’s up early.”
I nod. “I was thinking of picking us up some breakfast.”
“Really?” Her surprise makes me feel a little guilty. Has it been that long since I did something nice for her?
“I’m glad you’re feeling up to getting out today,” she says.
I reach for my wallet that sits on the counter. The place is put together now. We had a moving company bring in the big furniture and arrange it, and Mom hung pictures yesterday. As I glance around I see that it really is starting to look like a home. After giving Mom a quick peck on the cheek, I head outside. The fabric of my jeans whisper as I walk down the walkway to the car. The warm sun beats down on my back, and I savor it. I really should’ve gotten out sooner. The vitamin D will do me some good.
In my darkest moments, I can’t bring myself to go anywhere. I end up spending days inside throwing a royal pity party. The longer I do that the more difficult it is to pull myself out of my depression. I’ve found that getting outside in the sunshine and fresh air is sometimes all I need to do to lift myself from that funk. Today is no exception.
Besides, coffee sounds good. And I know just the place.
I slide into the front seat of the car and turn on the engine. When I pull away from the curb I drive toward Bud’s Bean Shop. When Paige used to work there Hadley and I would go visit her all the time. They have the best espresso in town, and my mom loves their white mochas. She’ll be so happy to have one along with one of their famous scones. Plus, I’m positive I won’t run into Paige there now. She didn’t exactly leave on the best terms when she quit her job. I doubt she frequents the place at all anymore. So that makes it perfect. Now I just hope I don’t see anyone else I know. I have no idea who still lives here and who’s moved out of the area.
Nostalgia fills me as I pull into the parking lot. An array of memories assault me all at once. Hadley and I walking through the parking lot hand in hand. Us leaving together, holding paper cups of coffee in our fists. Me pressing her against her car and kissing her passionately. Her stealing another kiss after we get into the car. I take a deep breath and shake my head, willing away the pictures. If only things had turned out differently we might be here together now. We’d be picking up coffee and pastries together. Then maybe we’d go for a walk later or hang out and talk. Just the mere thought of the life I could’ve had makes it difficult to draw breath. I want nothing more than for it to be a reality.
But sometimes life throws us curveballs. Sometimes no matter how much we plan, fate has something else in store. None of us knows what tomorrow holds, and sometimes it can change everything. At least that’s how it happened for me. One moment irrevocably altered my life forever.
With shaky hands, I open the door and step outside. The parking lot is full as always at Bud’s. Quickly I make my way across the parking lot. When I slip inside I inhale the aroma of fresh brewed coffee beans and sugary pastries. Chattering surrounds me. I step into the long line and stare up at the large board where the menu is written in colored chalk.
Crossing my arms over my chest, I scan the board. A giggle sounds in front of me and my ears perk. A familiar voice speaks, and I stiffen. There’s no way. Looking up, my gaze lands on her and my breath catches in my throat. She looks exactly the same. Her long brown hair hangs loosely down her back, and her skin is milky white and pale. Before I can react or run out of the place, she turns from the counter and our eyes lock. Her brown eyes sear into mine and I can’t move. I can’t speak. I’m completely frozen.
“Tripp?” Her eyebrows shoot up, and she purses her glossy lips.
I find my gaze lingering on her lips, imagining them on mine. Then I force away the thoughts and nod. “Hey, Hadley.” It’s then that I notice she’s not alone. Paige and Colt stand next to her looking on warily. I smile wanly at Colt. “Hey, Colt. It’s been a long time.”
Colt doesn’t skip a beat. He holds out his tattooed arm and offers me a large smile. “Yeah, man. Too long. How you been?”
“Good,” I lie. “You?”
“Never better.” Colt sidles up to Paige and slips an arm over her shoulders. Jealousy tugs at my heart that he has a life I can only dream of.
“Hi, Paige,” I say.
Paige scowls but offers me a tight hello. I know she’s just being protective of Hadley, but it still sort of stings.
“So, what are you doing back in town?” Hadley asks. “Are you visiting or something?”
Her cheeks are flushed the way they used to when she was anxious. It’s so damn cute I just want to reach out and touch her. I want to run my fingertips over her smooth skin, to curve my palm around her face the way I used to. Clearing my throat, I say, “Actually, we moved back last week. Mom missed Folsom.”
“Oh.” Hadley stares at me with a look of confusion on her face.
“What about you? You home for the summer?”
She nods.
“Sir?” the kid behind the counter calls to me.
“Oops. I guess it’s my turn.”
“Okay. Well, it was good to see you.” Hadley moves away from me.
Desperation chokes me. I’m not ready to say goodbye yet. I just saw her again after all these years. “Um. Are you staying with your mom?”
“Yeah,” she answers with a guarded look in her eyes.
I nod. “It was good to see you too.”
“Bye, man,” Colt calls as I make my way to the counter.
I give him a subtle nod and then order my drink. All the while my heart is hammering in my chest like a million drums are inside. I can’t believe I just saw Hadley. And I can’t believe I let her walk out of my life once again.
Seven
Hadley
“Wow, when we decided to take a little trip down memory lane this morning that was not what I was expecting.” Paige places a pair of sunglasses over her eyes as we leave the coffee shop.
“Me either.” I blow out a shaky breath. It takes all my willpower to hold my cup of coffee steady in my hand. I’m lucky I haven’t dropped it yet.
“You oka
y?” Paige asks as we step down from the curb and start walking toward her car.
“I’m not sure. I think I’m still in shock,” I answer honestly. Then I glance at both Paige and Colt. “Did Tripp seem different to you?”
“Well, yeah, but it’s been three years,” Paige says.
“I’m sure we’ve all changed.” Colt shrugs.
I study him. He still wears the same kind of clothes he always has – torn jeans, black t-shirt. And he still wears his hair disheveled, and still has all his piercings and tattoos. Paige still likes dressing funky and she still dyes her hair a different color every month. Peering down at my jeans and t-shirt, I realize that I haven’t really changed much either. And really Tripp hadn’t traded out his old style for another. That wasn’t what I meant. “The only thing that’s changed is that we’ve gotten older. We all pretty much look the same.” When we reach Paige’s car, I fling open the back door and hop in. Once Paige and Colt join me, I continue, “But with Tripp there was something else. Like he seemed more thin and frail or something.”
“Now that you mention it, I did kind of notice that.” Colt whips his head in my direction. “And when I shook his hand he didn’t have the same firm grip. He seemed almost weak.”
“Maybe that was just his reaction to seeing Hadley again. Made him all weak in the knees,” Paige teases from the front seat. She glances back at me, taking the wheel with her and almost hitting a parked car.
“Whoa there.” Colt holds out a steadying hand and she swivels the wheel until we are at a safe distance from other vehicles.
After exhaling, I reach out and whack her softly in the shoulder. “Shut up. There was more to it than that. I’m sure of it.”
“Well, why don’t we turn around and you can go back inside and ask him?” Paige offers, using a sarcastic tone.
“No. It was hard enough talking to him for the few minutes we were in there.” I run my fingers along the lid of my coffee cup. My stomach sours.
